Jennifer Hudson Gets Punk’d?

This story is just too weird.  Haaavard Law Grad, Tiffany “New York” Pollard reject and former UvT punching bag David “Punk” Otunga allegedly got engaged to Jennifer Hudson yesterday.

Dude, this is just too weird.  LOL.  I mean, Punk?  First of all, dude’s name is Punk.  Second, he went on I LOVE NEW YORK.  Didn’t that raise somewhat of a red flag for Ms. Hudson?  Hey Huddy, you may want to check in with Star Jones and Terry McMillan before you’re out here getting your groove back with a cat who uses more hair product than you.

And then there’s Punk.  How does a cat go from talking to zero black cats at HLS, to going onto I Love New York (which according to you was to promote your Hollywood carer errrr show positive images of black men in the media) to marry certified real deal sister Jennifer Hudson?

I already know the answer which is YES, but I still have to ask:  Is this cat serious? Ha, what a cornball.  LOL.  JHud, when it all goes wrong, don’t say Lake didn’t warn ya.  And just so we’re clear, you should be looking for a cornball dude, especially when you’re in entertainment.  But you’ve got things a bit mixed up.  When looking for the proper corn, you want something that looks more like this:

And run away from a dude who would ever pose like this:

I know, I know, he’s Abs-solutely fit.  Sure, but you have to understand the mentality of a black cat who spikes his hair, rolls around shirtless or dares put himself in a frosted pic.  Believe me, it aint right and somehow the fact that he went to HLS makes it that much worse.

– Lake

Dear Hip Hop, Please, No More Bitchassness…

Man, maybe I’m just getting too old for the game.  Maybe I’ve just lost touch.  Maybe I should just accept that a life of family, low salt foods and Jesus fishes needs to replace Vegas, Grecian Goose and verified ignorance.  I don’t know, I suddenly feel like the hip hop curmudgeon and I don’t like it.  Sure, I can deal with violence:

Hypocrisy:

Sexploitation:

and utter tomfoolery:

because those are the reasons I listen to hip hop to begin with.  But let’s be frank here.  There is an epidemic of cat shit that’s attacking the bedrock principles of the art form I know and love.  I mean, it was ok when the cat ass shit was truly artistic, like, if a dude was literally blasting off to planet 3000, I was ok as long as the rhymes stayed funky.

But see Andre 3000 can get away with that shit because he was doing it when cats were literally like, “what the fuk is wrong with this dude”?

I mean, a cat who comes out on the Chris Rock show with some snow boots, shoulder pads and blue wig right in the middle of the Jay Z “Hard Rock Life” and DMX “Get At Me Dog” era, really believes.  But this cat… I mean, goodness, didn’t Puff just recently ask for no bitchassness?

I mean, what the fuck is going on?  And please stop striking that pose like you reeaaally just nailed that outfit too.  haaa, this shit is awful.  Kanye, I really like your music and I do believe that you’re generally a sincere cat.  But on the rizzeal, you’re not that fashion forward dude you think you are.  Sure you have some cats following your steez, but they’re all fucking terrible and wack or quite literally on some other, high-lo, ignorant-intelligent, deep-shallow thespian bullshit.

Man, I’m telling you. These damn weirdos (I said it) have finally gotten under my skin.  All these dudes out here trying to be soooo different.  What ever happened to conformity?  I mean, I used to laugh when I heard those terrible ass NYC bouncers warn us “we can get gully in here sun, I told you, clear this area”  Ahhhhnnt Hell, I’m longing for those days now.  What ever happened to “punching a nilla in the face just for living” (Mobb Deep)?  I mean, I thought those days were the low point.  I thought DMX was taking shit too far.  Then I saw this.

And no I don’t care that those shoes are the hottest thing in Milan, that your extra medium tuxedo shirt is made of finely spun Mongolian cotton or that you had the vision to match it all with a suit from Men’s Warehouse just to keep it “organic” or whatever silly explanation you have for this ‘fit.  And no, I don’t give a hot damn about the strappy juxtaposition between the braces and the backpack or that fucked up green floor and your fucked up lack of a haircut.  I don’t know and I don’t wanna know, ok?

Jesus, Buddah, Allah, someone, please help us.  Obviously we’re not figuring this thing out down here.  Stop dressing like a gay euro.  Stop rocking shit you know looks wack, juuust becuase you think you’ll be seen as different.  Stop singing songs that truly require actual vocal ability and most of all, just stop being a bitch.

Put down that purse and pick up a ball, remote, a beer..dammit, something, anything.  I’m with Sarah Palin on this one, go shoot some Moose mufuckers, leave the cat shit be.

There, I said it.

– Lake

Tranny TV Theme Continues: America’s Next Top Model

Awww hell.  Look, I’m not going to spend too much time on this one.  But this dude right here:

…is trying to pass himself off as a woman in the fashion industry.  And no, sticking your damn leg in an awkward position, like half the chicks now do on facebook (also veeeery annoying) is not going to make this any better.  YOU ARE A MAN!!!!  They have shows for mens like you.  It’s called, “Who Wants To Be Tyson Beckford’s Next Jump Off.”  Seriously, I’m probably the most liberal cat you’ll find anywhere, but this Tranny being tranny shit is not sitting well with me.  And I know Tyra likes to “shock” and “confront” issues, but we already live a whole rack of gay shit on ANTM as is.

I mean, you have that wilderbeast looking, no talent “runway coach” Miss Jay and then that so called Mr. Jay cat.

Gay and Gayer.  So now you want to add gayest?  For what?  So some glorified drag queen can get eliminated for not bringing out her eeer his “inner chi?”  WTF?!!  Even Diddy can’t believe yall mufuckers put this “man” on your show.

Yuck, I just don’t even want to talk about this shit anymore.  The show is already a stretch and Tyra is unbearable enough, now THIS?!?!  Horrible, terrible, awful.

– Lake

I Want To Work For Diddy: Episode 2

We started where we left off, with some gay shit.  First, the tranny is explaining what it means to be a tranny.  The thing is, it’s not that we don’t know what a tranny is or isn’t, it’s that we don’t want to know.

Then Rob comes out as full-on gay.  Wonderful, I’d say I was shocked, but I already saw this pic, so I knew the dude was a don’t ax, don’t tell special with extra glitter on top.

So then they go into some terrible, has absolutely nothing to do with the job, mission in the woods.  Mike was playing the role of the pushy NYC native:

Plenty of NY talk, all kinds of half aggression to essentially no end.  The only thing that was missing was the obligatory, “Yo, I’m from New Yawk, so we need to go this way…..IN THE WOODS.”  It’s either that or “Yo, I’m from New York, we don’t get down in no woods” as if it’s someone else’s fault that this cat has never seen grass.

Ahhh, this is starting to have that real Apprentice feel to it, only without the boardroom antics and Kwame’s predictable reference to Harvard.  I think they’ll be needing Diddy to step in with some star power or something before this format gets stale.  I do appreciate the occasional Diddy sidebar with the expansion of the Bitchassness Doctrine.

Wait a second.  Is that June, Rob’s ex lady, rocking the No Bitchassness shirt?  That’s ill.

Any way, by my count, bitchassness now includes wanting to go to sleep, hatin’ on someone, handling a situation or confrontation like a beeyatch and an inability to find some bullshit in the woods.  Then that Elmer Fudd dude got up there with that same bullshit tie on.

I can’t tell if dude has a lisp, comes from some wild Eastern Block nation or if he had to go on a 5 year mission to study and perfect the art of bitchassness in order to teach others to avoid it.  Basically dude is the personification of Mike Tyson’s voice, only without Mike Tyson.

Just consider, the Mike Tyson voice was always terrible, but the only thing worse than Mike with that voice is that voice without Mike!  That’s this dude.  And he had the ahem “toughness” to work for Diddy?

Finally, I would be remiss if I didn’t give a shout out to crazy ass Kim/Poprah or whatever her name is for comparing herself to Jesus and MLK.  LOL.. I love crazy people (from a distance).

– Lake

————UPDATE—————

Honestly, the best part of the entire episode was the beginning when bowtie brother was talking to Bruno, or Rocky or whatever the big white dude is named about (La)Vernon.

They talking about the fact that ol girl boy was a tranny for a good five minutes before he just broke it down and said.  “Wait.  What do you see that makes you think that’s not a man?”  I mean completely disturbed at this point that anyone could take the 6’3″ Laverne for anything but a man with J implants and a weave.  Bruno replied. “I know a lot of big women”.   Really?

I Want to Work For Diddy: Just Tranny Being Tranny

Come on man.  I feel like this whole Tranny babe on Diddy’s new show thing has hijacked my entire reality tv experience.  This week was suppose to be great for me.  Big Brother 10 was rocking and rolling, Making the Band 4, Season 3 was about to kick off (what’s up Junebug) and yep, the new show I Want to Work For Diddy was officially up and running.  And then it happened:

Come on maaaaayne.  I mean, on this promotional joint they led with that “dude.”  I mean, am I the only one who sees this?

How could this be?  Seriously, what kind of criteria could produce this “all gay” line-up we’ve got here?  Hello, just because a mufucker rolls up on you and says, “Hey, I wanna work fo’ Diddy,” doesn’t mean you actually have to give that mofo a chance.  And it’s hard to assume the show producers don’t know exactly what they’re doing.  I mean, who’s doing casting over there, Raz B?

And when you play with fire, you’re gonna get burned.  Check out these shots of Larry eeeer Laverne Cox (and that’s really her/his last name, HA!) from I Want To Work For Diddy fame.

Saaay, whut?  Dude, there is so much wrong with this picture.  First off, I can’t tell if ole boy is loving it or hating it.

Arrrrrrrrrrgggggghhhhhh!!!!!!

Looooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooow!

Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!!!

Noooooooooooooooooooooo!

Dude, I’m just speechless.  I don’t even know what to say, what to do…  I mean, what happened?  I think Nicole Scherzinger said it best at the beginning of Come To Me:

“IT’S BAD BOY BITCH”

Start acting like it!

– Lake

Aubrey O’Day Pulls Yet Another Publicity Stunt

Didn’t Diddy tell this chick to mind her image that night in the office?

Now she’s out in the public streets swapping spit with a “I want to work for diddy” contestant errr fake lesbian, what gives?

Ohhhhh, that fully closed lipped kiss?  Veeeeery passionate, sooooo sexy.  I almost makes me want to jack errrr go on iTunes and buy that Danity Kane album.  AHNT

Look, I get it.  Aubrey sees literal no talents like Audrina from the Hills making dough off nonsense like this, plus Making the Band 4, Season 3 is about to start.

Nice try.  Dude, with all this Bad Boy wildness running around, I think it’s safe to assume that Biggie’s death is just about catching up with Diddy right about now. They did have a good run though.

– Lake

I Want to Work For Diddy Premiere

So I fired up the tivo and there it was, “I Want to Work For Diddy“.  First impressions, ok, they hype it up with the “this will change your life” rhetoric which is what they always say about these Diddy shows.  But this time, with regard to former assistants, don’t we kind of know better?

I know, I know, he’s an artist.  Let me tell you, I NEVER want to hear this cat on any track, period.  I heard his act on that Andre 3000 interlude, sounded like some bs Man of Morehouse Shakespeare special with extra Ahnt-sauce on top.

Anyway, then they introduce the “celebrity judges” err ex-assistants that ultimately have little to no roll in actually voting these cats on or off.  I guess they rotate show to show:

1.  Derek, Diddy’s Gay stylist?

First of all, why is dude talking like he just caught clean jaw cap from one of those security guards that roll out when you get eliminated?  And is that a southern accent I detect?  Nothing against the south, but somehow that makes it worse.  Jeez.  And just a question about stylists in general, why is their gear always so terrible and how can they help the next man dress if they don’t know enough not to rock the wrinkled sag slim rider pant, with the unintentionally skinny tie piece?  Just asking.

2.  Moderately, but not too overtly attractive Latin Chick

Plain and basic, but just good looking enough to get it from Diddy.  Can you tell that I don’t have a pic of the babe?

3.  Capricorn – Wait a second.  Baby girl’s name is Capricorn?  Bad enough that she’s named after an astrological sign period, but Capricorn is the most ridiculous of all of them.  It’s the one people always said when they used to introduce themselves in those cheesy movies from back in the 70’s.  “Lawrence T. Chestwood, capricorn.”

Even she can’t quite believe that’s actually her name.  I like her hair though… ha

On to the contestants.  So I’m looking for the contestants, seeing what there is to see.  And let me just say, I’m a champion of diversity.  You just gotta have it, right?  You assume they’ll have plenty of black dudes.  You know, bow tie, probably went to Andover/Exeter (then on to Middlebury) black dude.  Ex Corporate America “now I can rock these fake diamond studs” black dude…transsexual dude.

“Now that’s the creep, I be seeing in my sleep”

Ahem.  SAY Cut tha, what tha, FUCK?!?!!!!!!!!!  Is that what I think it is? Holy lord above, can someone please, for the love of god explain the presence of this….ahem…cat? 

What exactly is a tranny?  First of all, does Tranny stand for transsexual or “trans-gender”?  And does that mean, he/she still has his junk or is already gone?  I can tell you what’s not gone, that uncomfortably skrong jaw piece, them shady sideways eyes that themselves can’t even believe Diddy has a legitimate tranny babe errr dude trying to be his assistant and that extra caked-on-baked-on make-up.  Yep, we’ve got ourselves a full on dude with some wild balloons in his chest with a side of ass gel on layaway.

Dammit, why is it all lacquered up with a top coat of “only could come from a man” sweat to lock that deception in?  And yes, I DO see that extra close cat to her/his direct right in this picture, I’m just ignoring it.  Wait, where was I?  Seriously, I’ve lost my entire train of thought here.  Let me just end that paragraph, maybe that will help.

To quote Diddy, “it’s all fucked up now.”  Seriously, and maybe it was just me, but after I saw that wild tranny cat, to me the whole show started to look gay.

And mind you this is coming from a cat that likes Diddy, but all this openly and subtle gay shit isn’t doing anything for those “Diddy runs his assistants under his desk” rumors that have been flying around for years.

Anyway, after I picked my jaw up off the floor and put an extra layer of clothing on to protect me from what I was seeing, I went back to the show.  Standard Diddy shit.  A bunch of hazing with cats who are way too overbearing.

Enters Kim.  Shit talking, hand clapping, would be decent looking but for those extra 140 pounds she doesn’t need chick who most likely has at least two kids at home that she terrorizes whenever she can.  Definitely interesting for the show, but the kind of person who just can’t get along with anyone.  And don’t we know how this will go?  She’s had a tough life.  She’s always had to fight for what she got.  So there is a hard exterior to hide those deep seeded issues she just can’t seem to shake that Diddy will help her to bring out on that treadmill. Right.  Either that or she’s just an evil “chick” with nary a social grace or a shred of bitniz etiquette.

I do appreciate her “nilla” pleez expressions, aggressive hand gestures and over the top fuckery of all the other contestants. I know Kim “[you] aren’t here to make friends”.  ha    So I’m trying to get back into the show and I see them all running all over the city… And then it happens, I see it and turn directly to the lady on the couch and say, literally, “Why is the tranny running like a bitch?” Haaaaaa

Might have been a silly question, but that’s just how it came out.  Dammit, I thought we were done with Omarosa.  Running around the city, sittin extra high on some wild stilts, all sinched up and shit.  Dammit. How did this happen?  Honestly.  This shit is a serious threat to me watching the show.  Did yall hear that cat during those diary room joints?  Crazy man. Ok, I’m done with the tranny dude.  But just so we’re clear, I could literally go on forever with the gay mess that I saw on that episode.  Seriously, chicks aside, there was more gay than straight (and yes, that’s the FIRST time I’ve had to refer to anything as “straight” in my life).

Hey, at least they put some eye candy up in the house, too.  They’ve got pretty (enough) white girl.

Oh and extra fine latin heat named Georgette.

Yessir.

Oh yes indeedy.  But sadly, that hater Kim chick conspired, along with extra swole, Harve Pierre looking Phil (Da Band?) to get the fine babes out the house.  I guess they’ve got to completely kill all heterosexual energy in that camp.

I think they should have consulted with the big man before making that move.  Damn shame too.  Even this probably gay faced cat Rob didn’t quite get that elimination.

I know, I know…If you can’t say anything nice, just stop writing.  Peace.

– Lake

Believe Those Kanye Lyrics

Maaan, I love Kanye West’s music.  In fact, I wish he had an album coming out right now.  I think he’s brought a lot to hip hop (still not sure what that term actually means), rap and music generally.  And while he’s probably opened up the door for the scriblet nation to step out into the limelight on some “this is who I am,” I can live with it.  Let’s face it, probably 52% of these cats in the hip hop music industry are gay anyway.

*vinyl scratch*  Anyway:

Everyone knows that if you look at any artistic endeavor, be it interior design, music, painting & drawing or the WNBA, gay cats are going to be waaaaay overrepresented, if not comprise ALL of the participants.  I mean, have you seen that show Project Runway?

My sentiments exactly. Anyway, Kanye puts it all out there:

Sorry, I can’t support the man purse though.

It started with him as the ultimate backpacker rapper.

And his lyrics pretty much fit that persona.  A cat on the outside who should have gotten a deal 4 deals ago.  And hey, dude was right.  More of America, white and black, was like him than those clowns in the music industry wanted to admit.  But who could blame them given the success of 50 and all the Fif act-a-likes at the time.

But what happens when a cat like Kanye actually gets real dough?  You get:

“How am I suppose to stand out when everybody is dressed up”

To:

“So we gon’ do everything that kan like
Heard they’d do anything for a klondike
Well i’d do anything for a blonde-dyke”

“And she’ll do ANYTHING when the time’s right”

Haaa, Baby you’re making it…”hard, bigger, faster, strongrrrrrr.”

Lol.  I can’t hate, because the dude is obviously living good.  Just believe those lyrics ala “Model chicks was bending ova”…

Dude, just how much adrenaline do you think is rushing through this cat in this pic?  It’s all in the eyes.  I like it.

– Lake

Oh and shouts to Fannie Mae/Freddie Mac BA for that hot “scriblet” rhetoric.  Permanently in that UvT lexicon because it’s too fitting.

I Hate To Do It, But It’s Prom Season In The Hood

I’ve already been told by my people in the office that this will not be a topic that I should elaborate on too much. So I’ll just go with the “a picture is worth a thousand words” flow. But sadly, it’s Prom season in the hood yall, here we go:

Now see this I don’t get. I mean, how does a man get coaxed into rocking a Winnie the Pooh get up? And no I don’t care that your nickname has been “Pooh” since you grand mommie, who is now 43 by the way, named you that because you looked just like a pooh bear when you were born, ok? I don’t care. It’s fucking awful and so is that fake Miami Vice beach background you’re standing in front of…alright? Now, I will admit that my man’s swagger game is completely intact and at least his date is fully covered (for now), but whoever told you that shit was cool lied to you. Damn.

*Blink Blink* Help.

While I do appreciate the double up on the women Lakey style, I just can’t quite comprehend how this cat is rocking a Confederate Rebel inspired tux….I mean, baby girl’s expression on the right just about says it all. And by the way, I don’t like the look in my man’s eye. I’m really not comfortable with it. If I had to guess, I’d say he’s dreaming of a prom like this:

But who knows… Goodness.

She got me speedin in the fast lane,
Pedal to the flo’ mayne, tryna get back to her love…
Best believe she got that good thang,
She my lil hood thang, ask around they know us…
They know that’s minnee (BUSS IT) Baybaaay…
Erybody know that’s mine (BUSS IT) Baybaay…
Erybody know that’s minnee…

Ole girl on the right needs a bit of an adjustment….a lift if you will. I mean, if you had to guess how much dough these babes paid for these dresses what would you say? $180 total? And those shoes? I mean, why pay more when you can pay less? AHNT… Why am I even posting on this? This is awful and now I feel dirty. Oh, I know why, because there really aint shit going on in the news and Brock’s a mufucka! Next.

Is it just me or are all these dudes extra soft? Maybe this is just how dudes are built these days. Meaning, if you aren’t a complete thug, you’re just a yatch. I mean, what would possess a man to think he can rock a sheer hooded curtain with some strips of yella, pank and green? Fucking awful.

Ahh, finally a man who has some decent gear on. I can live with this. But wait, who is that he’s with? His MOMS!!!!? Dammit, why do cats take their mother to the prom? I never got that. I know your mom is your “best friend” but trust me, nobody wants her old ass at the prom getting hype when the Cha Cha Slide comes on. Horrible, awful. And no Bill Cosby didn’t get it.

None of it.

– Lake

Ashlee Simpson’s “Fairy Tale” Wedding?

I would love to ignore this Ashlee Simpson-Pete Wentz marriage deal, but when you walk by a news stand or look on the internet, it’s like all you see, right? 

I mean, even the dog has that “mufucka PLEEZ” look on his face.  Lol.  He knows shit aint right.  Anyway, why is it that you just can’t get away from these two?  Now I’m not going to say Pete is a worthless artist because I really don’t know the cat and I must admit, I did love that “Arms Race Remix” with Lil Wayneand the fellas, so he gets a few cool points on that front, but let’s not forget that his lady is a certified fraudulent, no talent, platinum selling “singer.”  Remember that SNL debacle?

Lol.. Boy oh boy was that ever great.  And I just happened to be watching that night.  Perfection!  And just in case you believed her story about “losing her voice,” peep her act when she was at full strength and got boo’d the fcuk off the stage:

Holy smokes was that awful.  Ha.. And the best thing about it is how she really believed she nailed it.  I mean, before that chorus of boo’s kicked her in that candy ass, she had this self-assured “I’mma rock star” look on her face.  Jeez.  I need to look at that again. 

Anyway…all that being said, it’s not like the girl doesn’t deserve to find “true love” ala The Bachelor.  But somehow, I’m just not buying her and young Peter Wentz.  First off, you can just look at the boy and see that something aint right with him, even beyond the “look at me, I’m different” bullshit.  Rule of thumb, if your man rocks more eye liner than you and really believes in that zoolander, half puckered, half parted, gay face lip, run for the farging hills! 

I mean, look at this cat.  Stevie Wonder can see that this cat is sweeter than grandmama’s fruit salad with extra honey.  Then if you don’t want to accept inuendo or judgment based on appearance, just know that this cat SAID HE LIKED DUDES.  I mean, ADMITTED IT! 

“Anybody above the waist is totally fair game, but I’m not a fan of penises.”

Ahem, say what? 

Are you kidding me?  Homey even admitted that he’s kissed men! 

WTF?  Now, let’s go back to that “Fairy Tale Wedding”… Listen, the wedding can’t be Fairy Tale if your groom is looking sideways at the damn groomsmen and quite literally dreaming about some wild Fairy Tail!  I mean, not liking dack is a good start for any modern man, but that just means he’s giving and not receiving.  And I aint talking Idol Gives Back neither.  Jeez.  I mean, I can see getting tricked by a dude who is on the Down Low plan, but how can you marry a dude that YOU KNOW is willing to take swings from the other side of the plate?   

And let’s be clear, there will be no shortage of semi gay, try-sexual, drugged-out space cadets ready to get their “I just kissed Pete Wentz” on from now until eternity during those suspect ass concert tours.  Jeez, just like Hilly C., Ashley just shows a talent for humiliation and pure stupidity.  I mean, honestly, how long do you guys give this couple?  18 months?  24 Months maybe?  And what does Ashley do when Pete tries to get freaky and hit the backdoor? 

Yikes.  I mean, this cat might hit the ball, skip second third and home plate and just slide right into 5th base.  And when he does hit that 5th base, as a wife, you can’t really ask why.  I mean, you should have known that any dude who needs to tell you he’s not “into penis,” has issues that might adversely impact your “fairy tale” marriage.  Hey Pete, this is probably the first time I happily told a cat this and here goes:

And Ash, not that you didn’t already know this, but:

Enjoy each other.  I just hope both the pre-nup and condoms are trapped in very tight because both are sure to be tested….soon.  Yikes.

– Lake