Top Ten Hollywood Breasts List…YES!

Hey, I didn’t come up with this list but I’m happy to discuss it. You know, as I look down at this InTouch Weekly “Best Hollywood Tits” list, I’m actually kind of embarrassed that I know all these broads. Ahh, who am I kidding, let’s get going on this here list. Now remember, this is the list according to InTouch Weekly.. Not us. But we have plenty to say.

1. Jessica Simpson

Yep, the top titty goes to Jessica Simpson. Wouldn’t have been my choice, but I can live with it.

After all, even her pops said that her ridiculous J’s were top notch.

Now you know you’ve got some serious tittay when pops is peeping them on the slide.

2. Tyra Banks

Say what? Now I know Tyra’s got giant J’s, but does she really belong inside the top three of ALL the breast tah sis in Hollywood?

Sure, her fundamentals are sound and she used to have the rest of the body to go with it. But this is a current J list, not a historical retrospective. The classic Janet song “What Have You Done For Me Lately” seems to come to mind. Answer?

Not enough. Not even close.

3. Scarlett Johansson

Ummmm, HELL YES!!! I’m not sure how it’s possible, but I think this chick is underrated across the board. Maybe it’s the lack of a nude photo shoot and sex tape. Hopefully someone can remedy that. But on the boobs front, she’s LOVELY.

Gotta run that one more gin.

4. Carmen Electra

Huh? Is she even in show business anymore? Why not Pamela Anderson? Hell, Loni Anderson.

And maybe it’s just me, but shouldn’t there be a reasonable expectation that the boobs are actually real if you’re going to call them the 4th best set in all of Hollywood? At least pic a chick with a debate, like Kimmy K…. With Carmen, she’ll tell you her joints are fake. Nah, I can’t support that.

5. Lindsay Lohan

Again, anyone who knows this blog understands my affection for Lindsay Lohan.

She’s one of my favorite celebs and yes, those ridiculous J’s have something to do with it.

On the J front, Lindsay has it all and we’ve seen it all.

You can’t hate, not on this discussion. Definitely underrated and waaaaay under appreciated. Her breasts I mean…lol.

6. Katherine Heigl

I recognize that this near no talent chick would be nothing without the superior boobs, but I just don’t like this broad.

That’s right, I don’t like her, can’t stand that character “Izzy” or whatever it is on Grey’s Anatomy and just can’t get past all the bullshit, yes, even for a pair of advanced J’s like those.

She doesn’t even make my list. Terrible. Though she does look reaaaaaally good in this next pic.

Mercy!

7. Audrina Patridge

Whaaat? You don’t mean to tell me we all feel for that completely transparent “I did some nudes back in the day and now they will be released the day before my show so please make me a star” treatment?

You bet we did. And please note how much she has truly stepped up that belly game. Wow. This babe is everywhere right now. If she had a shred of talent she’d really have something too. Though, I must say, having the nude pictures of her to refer back to whenever I see her looking right in a magazine or online is a nice luxury.

8. Jennifer Aniston

Come on now. Jennifer aint been hot since Ross was hittin’. Again, just too old, too romantic comedy. It’s just not right. Sure she’s got some J’s (NSFW), she wouldn’t be in the business if she didn’t.

But come on. She does not have some of the best tits in all of Hollywood. But these NSFW of Aniston are worth a peep. Half the time she doesn’t even have the best tits in her own relationship. She’s literally not in the same conversation with these other babes. Horrible.

9. Megan Fox

Ah, I don’t buy it. This seems very political. I do like that she stands for the fact that a chick doesn’t have to have monster boobs for them to be sexy, but this chick is not a top flight titty talent.

I mean, come on. She doesn’t have the chops and never will until she orders that full upgrade. Right? She’s got average J’s just for a regular girl, but in Hollywood, she’s squarely below average. Hell, most of the regular women walk around with better ones than that. Not even close.

10. Beyonce

Huh? Did I miss something? I don’t know, maybe B’s tittays wrote the lyrics to “Upgrade”…wait no, that was Jay Z. Curses. I hate to do this because I like Beyonce a lot. But she has no damn business on this list.

I think she’s beautiful, but if you forced me to diss her, right after I spoke on that assortment of unacceptable weaves, I’d go right to the breasts. I mean, she’s keeping it real and natural as she should and she looks damn good chest and all.

So there you have it. Are you satisfied? I’m not. I mean, where was Kim Kardashian, Halle Berry, JESSICA BIEL, hell, Mel B., Gisele….I mean, the list goes on and on. Sorry, I can’t endorse this list period. Let me give you my list.

1. Lindsay Lohan

2. Scarlett Johansson

3. Jessica Simpson

4. Kim Kardashian

5. Salma Hayek

6. Jessica Biel

7. Katherine Heigl (what can I say, that pic is still in my head)

8. Halle Berry

9. Mel B.

10. Audrina Patridge (hey, she’s already been mentioned, what could I do?)

Honorable mention: Serena Williams (don’t sleep)

Then I have to add a section for best fake boobs in the business. Christina Aguilera, Britney Spears, Tila Tequila, Pam Anderson and Heidi Montage.

Damn, after all that, even I’ve grown tired of tittays. I must be getting really old.

– Lake

Are You Gellin’? The Kardashian Arse Debate Rages On

If you’re a loyal reader of UvT you know there has been a crazy debate about Kim K’s ass in the comments section.

A self described and admitted ass geller (lol) “Zsa Zsa Cookie” told us that she knows Kardashian’s ass is not real. She further alleges that Kardashian’s dumper is filled up with the same substance, ass-a-licious love gel, that she put into her very own ass to give herself that synthetic thunder.

I shit you not. And then, she commanded me to google that “Hydrogel Butt Injections” to prove her point. Well, sheeeit, as a committed life long learner, you know her will I did obey and what I learnt astonished me. WOW.. There really is some wild chick flying around the country, selling bagged up ass to the highest bidder! What is this, some kind of bastardized Robin Hood, rob from the lab, give to the needy stripper? And it appears that dat ass is selling like HOE CAKES!!! Dude, I’m like my boy Will from the comments, if the ass gel is so good and so effective in the fight against negative arse-ness, why doesn’t everyone have it? Or do they?

Right and that’s when you start to feel those walls closing in on you. I mean, could you have been hittin gel for all these years and not even know it? If you were running your hands through Barbaro Mane for the better part of your adult life, why not?

Just as an aside, don’t you love how they make the broad so miserable in the “before” pic? I mean, she aint got no lip chap, is in desperate need of Proactiv and from the looks of it just got popped for trying to lift condoms from her local 7-11. I mean, basically they give you a mug shot, right? Then it’s weave time and everything changes. Suddenly our convicted felon has the custom fit and feel of Aubrey from Making the Band. And yes, I’ll resist expounding on Aubrey….this time.

Yo, I’m here to say that I can’t tell you if Kimmy K’s ass is gellin’ like magellean, ok? Lola Luv’s neither.

What I can tell you is that they’re both banging like a benzy and just like Mario Winans, I don’t wanna know. I mean, if you’re gellin, keep it on the lo.

Dude, let’s just try to put that crazy Angel Lola Luv arse into perspective.

I mean, it’s just hilarious to actually think for a microsecond that such an ass could even possibly be “real”. I mean, come on. Has ANYONE seen a body like that? Fine, I’ve seen asses that big, but they’re attached to a regulation sized lower back, a skrong thigh and study calf. I mean, could her shit be any more out of proportion?

I just don’t have that kind of expertise, but the ladies in the comments sections, some that have first ass errr hand knowledge of today’s technology, swear up and down that her ass (and Kimmy K’s) is as phony as a $3 bill.

Man, I hate this shit. It’s like when I first learned that chicks had weaves. Dude, literally, I really didn’t know and I aint been right since! I mean, you can’t trust anything these days. Double D breass-tah-sis have to be looked upon with suspicion, sub prime mortgage backed securities got my 401k actin’ a bitch, Jello allegedly has swine hoof in it (that’s why it’s so good?), and Petro costs $5 a gallon!!! I can’t trust long silky hair without a background check and two witnesses from the hairdressers. 1 in 4 mufuckas in NYC have herpes and now ass aint even ass! Seriously, this is what you call Lake Arlington hell. Forget the culture wars, can a nilla get a honest and wholesome table dance?

Oh yes, it’s all fucked up.

– Lake

Lake’s Perfunctory Chicks Post

Now I know there are all kinds of worthy topics out there.  You’ve got Hillary’s bullshit win in West Vir-tucky last night, the fact that Jeter, Johnny Damon and the human sweat gland, Jason “the Juice” Giambi share a gold thong and hell, I don’t know, those two gay facers squaring off in the increasingly irrelevant American Idol final.  But I don’t want to talk about that.  In fact, I won’t talk about that.  Do you know why?  Because I come out here and blog semi everyday for “us” but still I get criticized by these half haters for everything I’m NOT doing.  Like my boy, “Freddie Beef” graduating from Harvard right about now, this cat had the audacity to roll on me the other day talking about how I’m “getting soft on that ho game.” 

I mean, this cat was literally like, “yeah Lake, the blog is cool and all.  I feel you on that Republican bullshit and those religious right cats are completely ridiculous, but what about these chicks son?  I mean, quit that chit chat ‘for that blog is flat on it’s bizzack…fool.” 

Mutha-fucka!  Now I know how Allen Iverson felt with that whole “Practice” and “why do I have to” rants.  I don’t give you enough lows, pink tizzoes and hizzoes?  Me?!  Are you farging kidding me? (and yes that was a hot Johnny Dangerously reference).  Yall want the ladies?  I’mma give you some ladies. 

Let’s start off with a newly married Mariah Carey Cannon.  Dude, remember when I praised her long about two weeks ago for her Hollywood smooth body piece?  Well, I guess it’s like my girl Jabz B from DC says, “Everything is fake,” because Mimi is beginning to look exactly like who we thought she was.

Say what?  Yo, is it just me or is everybody just going dead up tits out, I’m free and buck-ed naked?  I mean, that’s not the outfit I think it is, is it?  Angle two please…

Damn, it’s like Kanye said in Diamonds, no not “how could you falter when you’ve got rocks of Gibralter“… it’s that “How could something so wrong, make me feel so right…Right?”  Now I’m not sure how that applies, but it’s exactly what I feel when I peep this picture.  I mean, nipples fully exposed.  Breasts just all the way out and stomach not quite looking right.  Yep, one week post wedding and Mariah’s already falling into utter disrepair with a plethora of code violations to boot. 

Damn…  I mean, it aint negative ass, but it sure as hell aint positive either.  I mean, what are we really looking at here?  An evening dress?  An all hallows outfit?  Yeah, I see the red carpet, but for all of our sake, I’m just going to assume she’s at Target shopping for some more appropriate drawls for that “dress.”  Yikes. 

Damn, I need to cleanse my palate after that.  Hmmmm, how would I do that?  Ah yes, with some country fried, Jessica Biel goodness…

Wow, do I hear birds chirping?  And why is there a subtle but steady crescendo in my ear to the beat of that Genuwine (that spelling, while accurate, is crazy by the way) classic “So Anxious“?  Maybe it’s the bronzer she’s got going on that upper thigh, just talking to a nilla.

“It’s ten-ten….where you been?  Did you get my message?”  Timberlake has to be the eternal UvT man of the year for this babe. 

Anyway, let’s keep this thang rolling.  We’ve pitted good against terrible and then terrible against good.  I mean, it’s like a Chick Picture version of the Paul Pierce v. LeBron battle in game 7.  So after that lovely specimen known as Biel, you know I gotta hit ya with a force for not good.  Yep, you guessed it, Rihanna making it drought on these bros. 

 

Say WHAT?  I can’t lie, this is the best I’ve EVER seen this babe.  I mean, she’s looking downright tasty right chere in what I can only describe as a “light in the thigh, look in the eye” special.  And while he told me she’s far too geriatric for his purposes, even a soon to be jailed aRa “He a damn Lie” Kelly had to come out of hiding to take in that silky wholesome goodness. 

Can she do it again? 

Awwww…..no.  Ok, I just gotta stay positive.  How can I turn this around, oh I know, let me crack open my Smooth Girl and see what they — oh yes, my girl Buckeey… right on time.

Hey, aint no doubting that.  That’s why I like Buckeey, because even though that window dressing might be fake, those Dow Jones like fundamentals are rock solid…literally.  

Smooth girl indeed.  Ok, now knowing the ladies who read this blog like I do, I’m pretty sure that a clean 54% of you are feeling just about like this right now:

But that’s ok becuase like Shaunie O’neal, you pretty much knew what you were buying when you decided to F with Lake and Brock to begin with.

 

See?

– Lake

Top Hispanics Who We Forget Are Hispanic

I love America.  You ask people how they feel about immigration and they are willing to build a wall across the entire Mexican border.  Not the Canadian border mind you, those are nothing more than French speaking white people up there, they must be cool, just the Mexicans…and Haitians…and Cubans who don’t look like Elian Gonzalez.

The same people who are ready to send any actual Spanish speaking person to make a run for the freaking border also think Jessica Alba is freaking hot.

And they would be 100% right, she is hot.  But that got me thinking, there are a lot of Hispanic Celebrities that America just starts treating like they are white people.  I know, Alba just looks like a hot white babe with a tan.  No, she’s Latina.  This never happens to Black people by the way, no matter how many white people like you, you’re still Black.  So let’s explore this phenomenon, here is a list:

First, the aforementioned Jessica Alba.  The only time she even remotely claimed her Hispanic heritage was when she paid “hip hop chick” in Honey.

Yeah, that was about as convincing as Mariah Carey playing a hard on her luck Black chick in “Glitter“.

Second there’s Cameron Diaz:

Somehow she just became everyone ‘s favorite skinny white chick.  Her last name is Diaz people, and her hair is not naturally blonde.

Alex Rodriguez:

Ok fine.  I don’t really think that people forget that A Rod is Hispanic.  Although his white wife and “biggest contract in all of sports ever” seems to point to the fact that most people don’t associate Alex Rodriguez with these dudes.

That picture has nothing to do with anything.  It is just fully ridiculous.

Next, there is Eva Longoria:

I guess she gets a pass because she’s hot?  Don’t get me wrong, she’s got a pretty face.  I know Lake and the interns like her, but I really can’t pinpoint why.  Her body is only decent, nothing really stands out about it.  Biel’s got the tail, Britney had the legs, and Paris had the sex tape.  I just don’t know why I care about this chick yet.

Jennifer Lopez probably doesn’t belong on this list.  She played Selena, so she doesn’t exactly shy away from Hispanic Roles.  Here’s the deal, she was definitely drifting somewhere around the Diddy/Ben Affleck years.

The key difference here?  That ass always let you know you were dealing with something special.

Damn, she really lets that thang hang.  Yeah, no one thought they were dealing with a white girl here.

Here’s the real killer.  Charlie and Martin Sheen:

Charlie, do you think we really forgot you have a brother named Emilio Estevez?  Hell, Martin Sheen’s real name is Mondergard Ramón Gerardo Antonio Estévez.    Mondergard?  Doesn’t get more authentic than that. That sounds like a name you choose when you start playing World of Warcraft.  I think Mondergard is a level 37 Dwarf Shaman.  Even Charlie’s real name is Carlos Estevez.

I know the Sheen family meeting where Emilio decided he wasn’t “selling out” the family name and staying a Estevez had to be heated.  The messed up thing?  Emilio hasn’t had a hot movie since “Young Guns“.  I guess becoming “Eddie Sheen” wouldn’t have been such a bad idea after all.

-Brock

Assology 101

I mentioned a few posts ago that I have a masters in Assology. It allows me to identify a tight booty from 20 paces. I can see it coming, identify it from any angle. Hell, tell me where a girl was born, her favorite food, and two hobbies and I can take a pretty good guess. I love ass. I look at every ass I see. You’ve gotta hone your skills in the field. With Lauren London and Beyonce causing a bit of controversy here at UvT, I decided to let you know how to analyze that ass on your own. Pay attention kids, Professor Hardon is about to lay it down for you.

We’re gonna keep it simple. Let’s just talk about how to identify the various types of ass:

Negative arse:

We’ve covered the negative arse here at UvT plenty of times. It is the easiest to spot, but here’s how to identify the details.

Okay, here’s the back view. I mean this chick goes shoulders to knee with no interruption whatsoever. There is no tuck on the top, no tuck on the bottom.  Damn, this babe looks like she might not even have an ass crack.  What does that look like from the side, you ask?

Yeah, as I said…you could run your hand down her back trying to cup an ass cheek run right past it. You probably wouldn’t know you made a wrong turn until you feel the back of her heel.

The negative arse babe is really limited to skinny chicks. When a babe with no ass packs on too much weight, you end up with the dreaded muffin top.

Whew. Muffin tops are a real debacle, and that babe has been baking all day. I mean the only reason you even think there is an ass under there is the fact that the waistband of the jeans cuts that back fat off at an arbitrary point. Terrible, these muffin top chicks have to know this isn’t acceptable, right?

Here’s where it gets fun.

Athletic ass:

Let’s start here with Jessica Alba in jeans.

You know the body is tight up under there. She gives you a little hook in the booty, legs stay tight (always key for the ass, thighs and calves play an important role in evaluation. What you see is what you get here.

Clothes on, or clothes off…this is the sweet spot. This is the best a white babe can work toward, it means she was a dancer or athlete at some point. As I said, you can see it all the way through the thigh. That is how you get built up like Biel.

As I said, you can’t trust a White chick with more body than this. You start venturing into Brooke Hogan, Coco T territory after this point. Unfortunately some of the brothers who like the crossover game don’t heed the warnings of Professor Brock and think they’ve found the “thick white girl”, built just like a sister.

In reality you just get “in them jeans” girl who is packed in too tight. An example you say?

Packed and Stacked in those pants ass:

I know, I know, she’s thick right? Naaaaaaah meng. That calf lets you know you are in trouble from the start, by time you get to that thigh with narum a definition you know that those khaki shorts are hiding a dirty secret. I get it, you watch chicks walking down the street and see this:

But you get em butt naked and you get this:

These babes have all kinds of tricks, you gotta know when it is too good to be true! Turn back before you get caught up.

Now there is a level beyond this. The holy grail if you will. As I said, it is a level of ass unachievable by the white woman, the in them jeans babe is a dirty doppelganger of the real deal.

Thick ass:

This is only achievable by black chicks. Sorry, it’s genetics. No fat, just pure muscle covered in silky smooth perfection. Check this:

I mean look how strong she is through the calves and knees, how the back tightens right back up at the top. Pure perfection here fellas.

The lesson should end here today, but there is yet another level. I don’t advocate it but some cats love it.

The Superthick:

Now you know that isn’t right. If you ever need to identify what you’re working with the key is in those knees. You see that extra layer of love on the inside. Stay back. That extra booty fat also shuts down the crease. If you can’t see the back dimples, put down the butt cheek. It isn’t going to turn out well.

Back later with more advanced lessons.

-Brock

The Ladies: Since we’ve been gone

Look, Lake the Don has been busy handling a lil bitniz, but I figured I’d let yall understand a few things about the world we live in because the more things change, the more they stay the same. First off, Kim Kardashian is still smoking hot and she still has plenty of ass for the rest of black Hollywood and NYC to get at.

Enjoy fellas . Beyonce continues to impress.

“Damn, rest in peace Apollo Creed, she’s a monster, everyday is Halloween.”

Wow, if she could just get a believable and consistent wig game, I’d be really ready to certify her as a UvT level babe. I mean, I know most of the star’s hair is fake, but B just takes it all to a whole different level. Speaking of different level, I just never get tired of posting up these Jessica Biel pictures.

(does it get any better?)

Nice. Oh and we found out Britney was f*cking when she was 14… I know ones of people are shocked at that. Come on now, she was cutting in the trailer of her first video shoot. She’s a freak and though yall may not like to admit it, freak doesn’t know any age.. Come on, the first single was called “Hit me baby one more time.” That was no accident. Hell, even her promotional “innocent” shots were freakum joints.

Clearly Brit was ahem “all in” during this era. What are you going to tell me next, that she got breast implants?

Remember that first video, she just came in kicking and wilin out in that little school girl outfit?

I know, I know, she was empowering young women. It was just an extension of girl power… It was a statement. Right. Well, yall are kinda right, she was powerful.

Finally, I’ll post this up because I know plenty of you degenerates out there don’t care if a babe is virtual or in you warm embrace. Lake, he likes the real thing. That’s why I don’t get with these digitized hotties, but I know plenty of you have a jones for this Naked E-Angelina Jolie, so here you go.

I hope you enjoy. That aint here though. Uncensored joints which I can’t really say are NSFW are HERE.

– Lake

And They Say Dreams Don’t Come True…

So I’m coasting through the news yesterday and this hits the wire, courtesy of the NY Post: Jessica Biel to appear nude in her new movie.  If you aren’t yet familiar with what that young lady is packing, here is some video evidence.

Did you see the way the booty had that extra little bounce in it?  I did.

I guess Powder Blue is about some stripper on Christmas Eve, Forrest Whittaker and Patrick Swayze are also in it…I’m sure redemption is involved at some point…whatever.  They’ve got my $10.50.  Hell, it could be the damn plot of No Holds Barred with Hulk Hogan and Tiny “Zeus” Lister (the worst movie I’ve ever seen) and I’d still go.

Jessica, you know what the people want.  UvT thanks you.  Alba…are you paying attention?

Thick Britney on her way back!

Look, a lot of cats out there have been taking shots at Brit.. Well, we, here at Us v. Them, we just won’t take it lying down. Britney is a trailblazer like no other. To us, she’s like Susan B. Anthony, Rosa Parks, Coretta Scott King, Stokely Carmichael, I mean, she’s really made a difference in the lives of millions. Yes, Brit paved the way like no other. Indeed, she was the first public, thick Whiiiiite woman and she ushered in the Era of Thick White Women. As proud Caucasian Americans ourselves we’d like to salute her. This picture taken late last week finally is showing us signs of a comeBACK.. so good.

Dayum, more thigh than KFC. Brit brought that sexy back before Coco, Electra and Biel:

Love ya Brit.. Ladies, proof positive that if you build it, they will come.