Big Brother 10: Ollie is a Son of A…

Preacher man.  What did you think I was going to say?

For those who aren’t up on Big Brother 10 (and why not?  This is solid summer programming)  Let me tell you about Ollie (real name Bryan Ollie).  This brother is the son of a preacher, has never had a sip of the devils nectar (he doesn’t drink), doesn’t curse, doesn’t smoke, played Football on full scholarship at Iowa State.  His father’s church is the real deal.  I’m talking faith healing, speaking in tongues, the whole nine.  I mean he really sounds like a good wholesome dude.

Oh and another thing?  Ollie is banging out April, the blonde haired white girl in the house like the next time might be his last time.

I’m talking about in broad daylight under a blanket.  I’m talking about in night vision.  Not to mention the fact that there is a straight up 24 hour a day live webcam feed going on in the house.  That means that everytime they get busy, that joint is being beamed all over the world live.

Now I haven’t been to church in a long time, but who cares if you don’t drink when you will cut on the internet live?  I doesn’t seem that impressive if you flaunt your principles and you are having sex every which-a-way.  Aren’t we picking our sins here?

I’m sure Ollie has the “I LV GSUS” licence plate.  I’m sure he doesn’t eat pork because he does not “partake in the cloven hoof”.  He is probably firm in his belief that all Jews and Muslims are going straight to hell because they have not accepted Jesus as their lord and savior.  Unprotected, premarital sex?  Hey, everyone needs one vice, right?

Look, normally I wouldn’t point this out, but Ollie ain’t making love here.  Once April won some privacy up in the HOH room, Ollie started fuckin.  I mean gettin it.  Don’t believe me?  Peep this. (NSFW, don’t turn up the volume either)

There hasn’t been night vision action like that since Paris Hilton.  It really starts getting loose at long about the 2:50 mark.  I didn’t watch it, but that is what I hear.  I mean slap it up, flip it, rub it down Ohhnooooooooo!

Look, when I saw that Ollie was that classic, comfortable with everyone football player, but I didn’t know he could run game like that.  I mean is it part of what they cover in practice?

That’s not Ollie, but you can tell they we’re trained in the game at the same school.  Look at this cat.  Got six chicks throwing the shocker.

Ollie.  You have one of the strongest games I’ve ever seen on Big Brother.  In fact, you might be the US Reality pimp of all time.  Sure your lady let an old dude grab her j’s on national tv as soon as she walked into the house, but she’s still a catch.  Oh, and she caught you giving Janelle a little too much love the other night.  Blonde girls are your kryptonite, huh?

Play on Playa.  Us Versus Them salutes you.

-Brock

I Want to Work For Diddy Premiere

So I fired up the tivo and there it was, “I Want to Work For Diddy“.  First impressions, ok, they hype it up with the “this will change your life” rhetoric which is what they always say about these Diddy shows.  But this time, with regard to former assistants, don’t we kind of know better?

I know, I know, he’s an artist.  Let me tell you, I NEVER want to hear this cat on any track, period.  I heard his act on that Andre 3000 interlude, sounded like some bs Man of Morehouse Shakespeare special with extra Ahnt-sauce on top.

Anyway, then they introduce the “celebrity judges” err ex-assistants that ultimately have little to no roll in actually voting these cats on or off.  I guess they rotate show to show:

1.  Derek, Diddy’s Gay stylist?

First of all, why is dude talking like he just caught clean jaw cap from one of those security guards that roll out when you get eliminated?  And is that a southern accent I detect?  Nothing against the south, but somehow that makes it worse.  Jeez.  And just a question about stylists in general, why is their gear always so terrible and how can they help the next man dress if they don’t know enough not to rock the wrinkled sag slim rider pant, with the unintentionally skinny tie piece?  Just asking.

2.  Moderately, but not too overtly attractive Latin Chick

Plain and basic, but just good looking enough to get it from Diddy.  Can you tell that I don’t have a pic of the babe?

3.  Capricorn – Wait a second.  Baby girl’s name is Capricorn?  Bad enough that she’s named after an astrological sign period, but Capricorn is the most ridiculous of all of them.  It’s the one people always said when they used to introduce themselves in those cheesy movies from back in the 70’s.  “Lawrence T. Chestwood, capricorn.”

Even she can’t quite believe that’s actually her name.  I like her hair though… ha

On to the contestants.  So I’m looking for the contestants, seeing what there is to see.  And let me just say, I’m a champion of diversity.  You just gotta have it, right?  You assume they’ll have plenty of black dudes.  You know, bow tie, probably went to Andover/Exeter (then on to Middlebury) black dude.  Ex Corporate America “now I can rock these fake diamond studs” black dude…transsexual dude.

“Now that’s the creep, I be seeing in my sleep”

Ahem.  SAY Cut tha, what tha, FUCK?!?!!!!!!!!!  Is that what I think it is? Holy lord above, can someone please, for the love of god explain the presence of this….ahem…cat? 

What exactly is a tranny?  First of all, does Tranny stand for transsexual or “trans-gender”?  And does that mean, he/she still has his junk or is already gone?  I can tell you what’s not gone, that uncomfortably skrong jaw piece, them shady sideways eyes that themselves can’t even believe Diddy has a legitimate tranny babe errr dude trying to be his assistant and that extra caked-on-baked-on make-up.  Yep, we’ve got ourselves a full on dude with some wild balloons in his chest with a side of ass gel on layaway.

Dammit, why is it all lacquered up with a top coat of “only could come from a man” sweat to lock that deception in?  And yes, I DO see that extra close cat to her/his direct right in this picture, I’m just ignoring it.  Wait, where was I?  Seriously, I’ve lost my entire train of thought here.  Let me just end that paragraph, maybe that will help.

To quote Diddy, “it’s all fucked up now.”  Seriously, and maybe it was just me, but after I saw that wild tranny cat, to me the whole show started to look gay.

And mind you this is coming from a cat that likes Diddy, but all this openly and subtle gay shit isn’t doing anything for those “Diddy runs his assistants under his desk” rumors that have been flying around for years.

Anyway, after I picked my jaw up off the floor and put an extra layer of clothing on to protect me from what I was seeing, I went back to the show.  Standard Diddy shit.  A bunch of hazing with cats who are way too overbearing.

Enters Kim.  Shit talking, hand clapping, would be decent looking but for those extra 140 pounds she doesn’t need chick who most likely has at least two kids at home that she terrorizes whenever she can.  Definitely interesting for the show, but the kind of person who just can’t get along with anyone.  And don’t we know how this will go?  She’s had a tough life.  She’s always had to fight for what she got.  So there is a hard exterior to hide those deep seeded issues she just can’t seem to shake that Diddy will help her to bring out on that treadmill. Right.  Either that or she’s just an evil “chick” with nary a social grace or a shred of bitniz etiquette.

I do appreciate her “nilla” pleez expressions, aggressive hand gestures and over the top fuckery of all the other contestants. I know Kim “[you] aren’t here to make friends”.  ha    So I’m trying to get back into the show and I see them all running all over the city… And then it happens, I see it and turn directly to the lady on the couch and say, literally, “Why is the tranny running like a bitch?” Haaaaaa

Might have been a silly question, but that’s just how it came out.  Dammit, I thought we were done with Omarosa.  Running around the city, sittin extra high on some wild stilts, all sinched up and shit.  Dammit. How did this happen?  Honestly.  This shit is a serious threat to me watching the show.  Did yall hear that cat during those diary room joints?  Crazy man. Ok, I’m done with the tranny dude.  But just so we’re clear, I could literally go on forever with the gay mess that I saw on that episode.  Seriously, chicks aside, there was more gay than straight (and yes, that’s the FIRST time I’ve had to refer to anything as “straight” in my life).

Hey, at least they put some eye candy up in the house, too.  They’ve got pretty (enough) white girl.

Oh and extra fine latin heat named Georgette.

Yessir.

Oh yes indeedy.  But sadly, that hater Kim chick conspired, along with extra swole, Harve Pierre looking Phil (Da Band?) to get the fine babes out the house.  I guess they’ve got to completely kill all heterosexual energy in that camp.

I think they should have consulted with the big man before making that move.  Damn shame too.  Even this probably gay faced cat Rob didn’t quite get that elimination.

I know, I know…If you can’t say anything nice, just stop writing.  Peace.

– Lake

Mr. Belding: He Wasn’t a Principal, He Was A Pimp-cipal

It seemed like Saved by the Bell was on TV for long about forever.

It was on so long, I don’t even recognize that dude in the top left.  Who the hell is he?  They really must not have needed his ass because he got clipped and not replaced.  He looks like he’s supposed to be the cool ’80’s music teacher or something.  I also know I’m going to have a Lisa Turtle/Lark Voorhees flashback before this is all said and done.

Here’s the question, if you had to look at all the guys in this picture and predict who is pimpin’…who would it be. (Aside from the aforementioned Beaker looking guy…Seriously, who is that?)  Zack Morris?  Actually, where the hell is that dude and when was the last time her worked?  “Saved By the Bell: They Got Jobs Now“?  Screech?  He does have a sex tape (yes I didn’t look for nor link to it on purpose).  Slater?  Isn’t he dancing with the Stars?  Was that him?  It was right, so he’s got that bad dancing chick.  Well you’re all wrong.  The correct answer is Mr. Muthafackin’ Belding.  Peep this.

Mr. Belding is gettin’ it in Vegas.  Three chicks, trying to grab some high thigh, still dressed like a principal.  Don’t believe it’s him?

That’s him, and that’s not Lisa Turtle…she might be hiding a few turtles though.  So is Mr. Belding really pimping, can he strike a pose?

Nice, Mr. Belding.  Still got that sense of humor.  That pic is hilarious.  The classic “slap that ass” pic must have been right after this one.  What is this guy doing other than enjoying life?  Oh, and this isn’t news by the way, this is apparently what this guy does.  Talk about stretching out your 15 minutes of fame.  These chicks probably think it’s cute to bang Mr. Belding.

And for the record:

Lark Voorhees can still get it.  She looks like a regular chick too.  I might have to holler at her and Betty Okino and have a quick 80’s fantasy flashback.

-Brock

The Most Dangerous Blog Post In the World

In a world where men huddle over computers, digging through blog after blog to provide the world with only the best news in the world, the men of Us Versus Them race against time to deliver comedy to the masses…before it’s too late.  Coming this Fall…Us Versus Them: Taking on the World…From the Edge…of Decency.

Sounds hot right?  Well that is what I thought when I first saw the commercial for Deadliest Catch.  Two story waves.  Icy cold water throwing men around on the deck.  Gigantic hooks and equipment swinging around the deck threatening to slice a man in half and throw him into the icy waters of the Arctic ocean.

When you string the twenty hottest moments of the season together into a thirty second commercial it is great.  So I watched the first episode…guys catching crabs.  Sometimes during the day.  Sometimes in the middle of the night.  Sometimes there are lots of crabs, sometimes there aren’t any crabs at all.  Then they have to rush back to get paid for the crabs.  Every.  Single.  Episode.  I keep waiting for a guy to get swept off the deck, waiting for some of the promised danger.  It never happens.  Don’t sell the show with all this danger if nothing dangerous ever happens.   Script it if you have to.  Make them do challenges like they’re on Survivor.  Stage a equipment breakdown.  Do something to make it more exciting.  One other ridiculous thing?

Have you ever seen the size of these damn crabs?  Sure, that looks okay on the plate if you’ve got a side of butter and a piece of lemon, but if one of these bastards was chilling in your family room when you walked in one day, you’d be calling animal control before you tried to mess with it.  You can grab a lobster and drop it in a vat of boiling water…but if you had to take one of these boys home to cook it yourself, the king crab industry would rapidly go to zero.  Seriously, you can’t tell me with a straight face that you wouldn’t put that crab in the trunk instead of the backseat if you had to take it home from the grocery store live.

Exactly.

So, based on the success of Deadliest Catch where no one ever dies.  There are a bunch of spin offs.  “Ax Men”.  Where loggers cut down trees in the forests of Oregon.

The most dangerous frontier in history, huh?  A poster with a tree falling on someone, dashing for safety.  Yeah, that never happens either.  At least there’s a guy with one hand that now cuts down trees using one good hand and a hook.  That’s got to count for something, but still nothing wild ever happens on the show.  They got cats that are too good at their jobs.  They need to follow people around that aren’t that good at their jobs, you know cutting the tree wrong so it will fall towards them…make it exciting. There is also “Ice Road Truckers”.

Where truck drivers…drive on ice.  Occasionally they slide just like I do when it is icy outside.  Sure, I’m not carrying 10 tons of material behind me so I guess that is supposed to be the dangerous part.  Who cares?  They’re trained to do it.  Either the truck breaks through the ice every other episode or I don’t want to see it.

You know what will never be a show?  Coal Mine…uhhhhh…Miners.  Because that shit is actually dangerous.

See, that looks fucked up already.

You are a 3 miles below the surface and 8 miles away from the entrance and there is a threat of explosion or collapse every single moment.  You know why Coal Mine Miners isn’t scheduled for the Fall?  Because if something goes wrong you are never getting any footage.  Everyone is dead.  The electronics in the camera alone might trigger an explosion.  No camera crew is going to stay down in a coal mine for an entire mining season…because there is no season they will be down there all the time until all the coal is gone, which takes a few decades.  Nothing glamorous there.

So Discovery Channel, step yo game up or stop selling danger when you ain’t got none.  Before long they’ll be showing “Lunch Ladies: Food with Attitude” and the constant threat of creamed corn burns.  Or “Crossing Guards: The Streets ain’t Safe No Mo”  You just can’t sell me anymore, you’ve already gone too far.  I’m going to go watch New York’s new show.  It is the real most dangerous show on television.  It is a major threat to my genius level IQ.  I’ve got lots of room to spare, but still.

-Brock

How Do You Guarantee Your Video Goes Viral?

You take all the most popular viral videos ever and put them all in one place.  That is exactly what Weezer did with “Pork and Beans”.

They’ve got UvT fave Tay Zonday, that “leave Britney Alone” dude, knock yourself out nunchuck brother, dancing white boy, numa numa kid, Ms. South Carolina, Mentos and Diet Coke, those hands from Kanye’s “stronger”, will it blend, even peanut butter jelly time.

750,000 hits and counting.

Brilliant.

-Brock

Making the Band 4 Update: June & Robert Make It Official!

Mayne, I haven’t been this excited since I heard Duke landed Mason Plumlee. Since my little hiatus, I’ve had a number of readers hollering at me: “Lake, you a mufucka, where are the posts?” pretty much sums them up. But then my girl Jabz in DC hit me with this, “Did you hear about Rob and Junebug?” Junebug? My first thought was, “who in the hell–”

Ohhh, that June-bug! Wow, so it was true all along, “The Real Mrs. Curry” was fixing to be the real Mrs. Curry… Makes sense. Looks like a lovely affair too, Miami perhaps?

What do yall think Robert said at this very moment? Nobody can be sure, but I bet you it bore an eerie resemblance to this:

See first of all
I know these so-called playas wouldn’t tell you this
But I’m gonna be real and say what’s heart
Let’s take this chance and make this love feel relevant
Didn’t you know I loved you from the start, yeah

When I think about all these years we put in this relationship
Who knew we’d make it this far?
When I think about where we would be if we were to just fall apart
And I just can’t stand the thought of leaving you

Meet me at the altar in your white dress
We ain’t getting no younger, we might as well do it
Been feeling all the while girl I must confess
Girl let’s just get marriieeeeeeed

Ohhh weee. Dude, that is one of those classic ‘Good n Terrible’ moments in R&B history. I mean, “Let’s Get Married” is so good. Soo soo good. Isn’t that what a young lady wants to hear during the best moment of her life? “We aint git’n no younga, we might ass well do dis…let’s get murried.” Kind of reminds me of that classic Kanye line “and I don’t want a girl that will answer to ‘a-yo'”. I mean, if a chick accepts that marriage proposal, she deserves whatever she gets in that 4 year stint errr life long commitment.

But did she say yes?

Hell, yes she did! I don’t care how much you’ve been through with a dude, you aint going to put your hand up in the jheri curl juiceunless you’ve got real love for ’em… And not that bullshit, “I got love for you so come git your clock, it the club with 20 broads like Flaaaavor” kind of love neither. I’m talking real good lovin.

Awww, that’s sweet. And I see my man kept that engagement ring ahem “artistic” on this first go round. See, when you’re an artist, it’s about doing something original, you know? Then once that tour pops off and my man is getting one-fifth of the adjusted gross proceeds from those concert tours, then it’ll be like mo money, mo money, new ringy, new ringy.

That’s cool. I guess we know the deal on that “ice” Robert’s got on that wrist though. Actually, what’s really going on with this picture?

Now I done told yall about tattos outside where a golf shirt would cover. Now I did make an excpetion for entertainers, athletes and thugs, but what happens when Rob’s voice gets tight like K-Ci from Jodeci, but he’s sittin on Fred from Da Band money instead of that Jo Jo and K-Ci money? I mean, an inkless hand might be what the doctor ordered in this recession people. And did Rob and June just go ahead and get married right on the spot? I mean, is this that super speedy, “will you marry me, no I mean, RIGHT NOW, MARRY ME!!!” type deal because homey has a wedding band on that finger already, right? Oh well. We can’t speculate about too many things.

Except that see-through dress and them non-matching drawls up underneath. June, you my girl, but WTF? And don’t tell me you didn’t know. You knew you had on a see-through dress when you saw that thing hanging next to the beach towels in that post card shop you purchased it from. Come on now. And what’s with that wild booted shoe just hanging out to the left of the shot? Maybe it’s just me, but that joint looks like the shoe Dave Chappelle put on Mos Def during that first drug warskit on the Chappelle show. Haa Just laid them joints up under his feet.. Too funny. Just damn. June is an attractive enough young lady, but I can’t support the crazy attire on one of the most memorable days on your life. Keep it classy.

Like this little set up my man Rob has. That’s classy. Homey’s got all the necessities.

1. Smoove Detroit playa, mustard yeller might-be-gators

2. Lobster for two, Steak N Eggs to share in the middle

3. Solid A1 – now see, that’s why I like my man Rob. Say what you want, but EVERYTHING tastes better with some A1 sprankled on top. A1 is like the crack of condiments. Once you go there, nothing else really compares. Ok, worcestershire sauce has it’s place too. I won’t lie. Lakey done gotten some work done with those two.

4. Some bubbly, can’t argue with that

5. Fresh fruit…. nice touch.

6. Perfunctory rose pedals under their feet

Anyway, I’m happy for the couple. Just one thing. What’s the liklihood that Rob sang to June when they got engaged, like, 75%? Who knows, maybe June will hit us with that information. Remember, she’s the only person, aside from Brock and me, to have posted something on this blog. Remember how she was writing that book?

Anyway, congrats to the couple. Yellow is the color of love. I also appreciate Rob’s hand placement there. Definitely “you are my lady” style there. Dammit, I just can’t shake those pink draws though. Normally, I wouldn’t go there, but it’s just wild to me. First off, ladies, you can’t ever have more than one inch of material on the side band of your drawls. I don’t care, that’s a Lake rule starting now. Nobody wants extra thickness up around the hip, this aint huggies. Ok, Ok… no more suspect commentary. Congrats to the “Exclusive” couple. I’ll be waiting for my Evite with baited breath.

– Lake

————UPDATE—————

This is high quality right here. I’ve always wondered why people garnish up a plate with random pieces of lettuce, parsley, a lemon slice…now I know. Those lobsters up there look lonely as hell. I mean they went from the water to the plate. Not a pat of butter was melted, no shell crackers, no little ass fork, no bib, nada.

Who brought the film crew by the way?

I also disagree on the lyrics Robert dropped. It had to be:

Baby girl I want you excluuuuusive, baby we should just doooooo this, cause the feeling’s so strong, how can we go on? Which lyrically is exactly the same as “Let’s get married”. Hopefully he rocked the real version instead of that off-key slow version.

By the way, I’m going to agree with Be On It from the comment board. There are some wide-side draws that get the job done. A sister in some boy shorts gets it done. If I’m not mistaken, Lady June may also be rocking the hanky pankys in which case she is fully thonged out in the back. In which case she’s really giving it to cats on the lo back there.

I told you fools that Diddy made June and Robert deny that relationship on national TV. Junebug, where you at?

-Brock

—————UPDATE 2—————–

Oh shit.  I missed the plastic on the chairs.  They must have gotten engaged at grandma’s house.  Great.

A&E loves racists, welcomes Dog back to work

Ones of people were shocked when Duane “Dog” Chapman and his skank wife were re-upped for their show Dog the Bounty Hunter after a three month vacation.

A&E said they were “pleased with Dog’s progress” after Dog used the N word several times in reference to his son’s black girlfriend.  Pleased with his progress? Doing what? I mean, how does someone become un-racist anyway? It kind of reminds me of Ted Haggard who first told us he wasn’t a Rule No. 1 violator until he finally admitted it.. Then homey comes back from anti-gay camp free and clear of sin?

Is that what Dog did? Suddenly, he’s going to be ok with one of his trailer trash daughters going out with black dudes? Come on. The show is trash and A&E clearly had this planned all along.  And isn’t it hilarious how the most uneducated, bullshit and poorest of white folks are the ones who are most racist?

I mean, where do these people get off talking shit about anyone, let alone some chick who happens to give Dog’s musty rag rat son a sniff.  I understand that A&E feels a need to appeal to that highly lucrative “hillbilly” market, but just tell me that, don’t come with this nonsense about his alleged progress.  Going on Larry King and some sold civil rights activist’s radio program is not progress, it’s following a script.

Fuck A&E and definitely fuck Dog, his wife, son and his bullshit ass show.

– Lake

LOST is back

And no, I’m not talking about Rudy Giuliani’s campaign strategy… The show.

Last season started with the huge reveal of the “Others” chilling in a manicured neighborhood while Jack and Crew lived in tents on the beach. What will happen tonight? Flashback? Flash-forward? I know, I know, I’m the only guy who watches…bring on Flavor of Love. Damn that, I’m hype.

-Brock

=============UPDATE=============

Nah homes, I went ahead and peeped that run-back of the two hour Finale from last year with that crazy fake beard they had Jack up in.

I couldn’t tell if the Jack character was really that fucked up on the Purple Drank or if the actor was just really pissed off that they had him in that same beard that I rocked in my 7th grade production of Man of La Mancha. At any rate, smoothed out Kate was a nice site and hopefully we’ll hear from Walt, his low ass pops and smooth Asian chick Sun Kwon who was as quietly decent as she was quietly banging out multiple dudes who weren’t her husband.

Oh, and I know the “hater in the Bean” will say that she only cheated once.  Well, I happen to think that the baby in her belly might be Michael’s anyway… Jin knew what was up (that’s why he tried to kill him at first) and recall, that cat couldn’t make no babies.

And now so do the rest of us. Wow.. didn’t know she could bring that kind of heat, but I definitely have to give her a solid 大声で選手のときに私が、路上のひよこを参照してください。which loosely translates to “holla at a playa when you see me on the streets ‘chick’, yeeeeaah” <—– thank you google language options.

– 湖/Lake