Archive for the ‘hoes’ Category

Guns, Liquor and Unprotected Sex – Sarah Palin is an American Hero!

September 3, 2008

You gotta hand it to those Republicans.  They said they wanted a buzz and dammit, they got their buzz.

This Sarah Palin shit is about as good as it gets.  Her selection by McSame W. Bush was met with confusion.

Hell, most of the Republicans I know thought she didn’t have the qualifications to be a Vice Presidential Candidate.  See, they didn’t have their little sound bytes and talking points ready defend Palin beyond pointing out that she likes guns, moose burgers and Amurica.

So when the revelations of how her ineffective policy positions were biting her own family in the ass, you knew it would take them a day or so to figure out how to spin it.  And just like we all knew they would, the Republicans have used some more of their twisted logic to actually spin this Bristol Palin is Pregnant into a positive pro life position that has turned into “Sarah Palin is a HERO!”  A Hero?  Is that what you call a mother who preaches responsibility to your child, but can’t control her own?  Is that what you call someone who tells us just to tell your kids “just say no to dack and cat” but who can’t stop her daughter from throwing so much tail that her friends thought she was pregnant not once, but TWICE?!  Really, are these the actions of a capable “Pro Life” candidate?  I didn’t know getting your freak on in an Igloo with some Captain Morgan in your cup and weed in your lungs was an expression of “Pro Life” values, but you’ve definitely got my attention now that I’ve heard that it could be.  Peep Bristol’s myspace act.

haaaa, I know, I know, it’s just one picture, right?  Hmmm, let’s see if Bristol gets her drink on as much as she gets her spank on.

Oh yeah, wait, is that Genesse Beer?

LOL.  Let me just say that if you take this many pictures in front of liquor and they’ve found their way onto the internet, you aren’t too worried about Governor Mommy Amurica finding out that you sip the sizzurp.  But that’s family values right?  Of course it is.  And enough about this dude Levi and his plans to marry Bristol just because he put one on goal.  I mean, look at the cat.

He looks like Adam Morrison’s Mini Me.

And yes, that is Bristol Palin strapped up with not one, but two gats.  Trench Coat Mafia move over.  What the fuck?  What, they have sex, get their drink on and then do a drive by?  Oh, I know, this isn’t that kind of gun totting, this is wholesome teenage “extra circular” activity, right?  They’re sportsman enjoying the great outdoors by killing whatever they see.  I get it.  And I’m loving those jeans young Levi has on, too.  Very stylish.  Hey Levi, why not start by getting yourself, well, some Levis!  On Levi Johnston’s myspace page, he described himself as “a fucking redneck” and judging from this pic, I believe him.  I just want to know since when have “fucking rednecks” rocked fat laces and an Adam Morrison wig/hat combo?

I know Levi, I’m just an asshole, believe me, you’ll get used to it.  Hey, I’m starting to like these Republicans and their version of “family values.”  Best I can tell, you can do anything you want as long as you say you’re Anti-Abortion and Anti-Gay marriage and it’s just all good.  But just let me get this Republican values system straight.  When I bang chicks out raw dog, which really is the best way, that’s Pro Life.  But when I responsibly strapped up with a condom thereby avoiding an unwanted preggers, that’s not in accord with “Amurica’s core values”?  Well shit, where do I sign up?  I love the Republicans.  They definitely let me know there’s a place for my philandering ass in that “big tent” they have over there.  I even saw John McSame As Bush getting Republican Jiggy with some Pro Life Honeys.

I’m with it.

– Lake

Cancel the UvT Summer Party…

July 18, 2008

Because we just relocated it to Greece.

I haven’t looked up American law on this topic, but nine British women and twelve men in Athens, Greece were just arrested for participating in an oral sex competition.

I know Shaq.  That’s what I said.

Where do I start?  Okay, let’s start with the fact that when I say nine women and twelve men were arrested for participating in this contest I don’t mean it was men versus women, I mean the women were in the contest, and the men were…how do you say…judging the contest.

Sorry Spitzer, no celebrity judges allowed.

Here’s my question.  How do you win this contest?  Enthusiasm?  Technique?  First to the finish line?  First to finish line doesn’t seem fair…that depends on the dude as much as the work the ‘contestant’ is putting in.  I think a combination of enthusiasm and technique is the only way to go.  But that is subjective so that means the ladies have to rotate to make sure every judge can make an accurate assessment.  That must have been how it was supposed to go down considering there were 12 guys and only 9 women.  That means the ladies came into the competition knowing they were going to be giving lots of head.

So the ladies got arrested for prostitution.  Which means they have been accused of getting paid for sex.  How exactly did this contest work?  I’m assuming there was no participation prize here, so technically only the winner was a prostitute, right?  She’s the only one who got paid.  It’s just like high school, everyone calls the girl who gives the best head a ho.

To me this isn’t prostitution, it’s more like gambling, a sporting contest.  You could take action from the sidelines.  In fact it would be a hell of a spectator sport.  Or has Superhead already won this competition in order to earn her moniker?

I say you have to earn it.

Hey, I hereby nominate the guys who organized this competition for the UvT awards…as soon as we have some.  Unless these chicks were professional porn stars, they had nine (relatively) regular chicks signing up for a head competition.  I mean girls gone wild gets loose, but this is a whole ‘notha level.


Believe Those Kanye Lyrics

July 17, 2008

Maaan, I love Kanye West’s music.  In fact, I wish he had an album coming out right now.  I think he’s brought a lot to hip hop (still not sure what that term actually means), rap and music generally.  And while he’s probably opened up the door for the scriblet nation to step out into the limelight on some “this is who I am,” I can live with it.  Let’s face it, probably 52% of these cats in the hip hop music industry are gay anyway.

*vinyl scratch*  Anyway:

Everyone knows that if you look at any artistic endeavor, be it interior design, music, painting & drawing or the WNBA, gay cats are going to be waaaaay overrepresented, if not comprise ALL of the participants.  I mean, have you seen that show Project Runway?

My sentiments exactly. Anyway, Kanye puts it all out there:

Sorry, I can’t support the man purse though.

It started with him as the ultimate backpacker rapper.

And his lyrics pretty much fit that persona.  A cat on the outside who should have gotten a deal 4 deals ago.  And hey, dude was right.  More of America, white and black, was like him than those clowns in the music industry wanted to admit.  But who could blame them given the success of 50 and all the Fif act-a-likes at the time.

But what happens when a cat like Kanye actually gets real dough?  You get:

“How am I suppose to stand out when everybody is dressed up”


“So we gon’ do everything that kan like
Heard they’d do anything for a klondike
Well i’d do anything for a blonde-dyke”

“And she’ll do ANYTHING when the time’s right”

Haaa, Baby you’re making it…”hard, bigger, faster, strongrrrrrr.”

Lol.  I can’t hate, because the dude is obviously living good.  Just believe those lyrics ala “Model chicks was bending ova”…

Dude, just how much adrenaline do you think is rushing through this cat in this pic?  It’s all in the eyes.  I like it.

– Lake

Oh and shouts to Fannie Mae/Freddie Mac BA for that hot “scriblet” rhetoric.  Permanently in that UvT lexicon because it’s too fitting.

VH1’s I Love Money, Season Premiere

July 10, 2008

Here we go again… From the makers of Flavors of Love 1, 2 and 3, I Love New York 1 and 2, Charm School (clearly we only needed one of those), Rock of Love 1 and 2 (the only show in the bunch I didn’t watch) and A Shot at Love with Tila Tequila 1 and 2 we now have I Love Money.

Look, we all know the deal with these shows. It’s a bunch of Hollywood rejects willing to subject themselves to almost any level of humiliation for a chance at some face time and hopefully their own show. so that they can ultimately get spit out the bottom of the porn industry

errrr flip their newfound success into real showbiz careers.

And we all know that aint gonna happen. So what did they do? Of course, they just kept it real and copied those completely played and similarly sad, though less comical, Real World/Road Rules spin-offs.. You know the Gauntlet, Crucible, Inferno (whatever, though quietly, that new Real World/Road Rules Survivor rip off looks like it has potential) and made the show strictly about money.

Fair enough. So then it’s just a matter of who was on the show. Well you know it wouldn’t be a show without some eye candy. So they brought in Hoopz, which I respect.

And please peep those Hoopz NSFW HERE at your leisure.

And that chick from Beauty and the Geek/Rock of Love Fame:

Don’t know her name and clearly I don’t care. But I’d be lying if I told you she didn’t have that white girl thunder. Incidentally, here are her NSFW (I’m seeing a trend here) Playboy shots. Actually, this chick’s body is what only Brooke Hogan can see when she looks at herself in the mirror. The rest of us see a version of this:

Ha… I know, I know, I just talked Jim Carrey the ‘nother day. Keeping it simple. Sadly, that’s the only real eye candy on the show. And even the skanks lost their limited skank appeal. Sheeeeit, Pumkin looks like she done set out to actually become her namesake.

I mean, homegirl is plump. Anyway, at least they came back with the Stallionaires…which is still one of the worst and best rap group names in all of history. Haaa.

Oh yeah, Chance and Real are back and yes, their album is still “about to come out.”

“Yuckmouth, cuz he don’t brush..” Then you had the usual suspects. Mr. Boston’s unfunny ass. Whiteboy, who should get an Emmy for that ridiculous “based on an untrue story” role he’s playing as a down ass white dude. I know, I know.. ha

Anyway, after that you’ve got an assortment of douchebags (and please don’t take that characterization lightly, I RARELY use that term, but it’s oh so true for this show), trashy hoes and general misfits like that broke ass Bushwick Bill lookin cat Midget Mack, who incidentally got checked the fuck off the show the first night.

Nice. I spoke to Brock about Episode 1 and all in all, it left us a bit underwhelmed. But it’s got potential. I’m just waiting for 12 Pack and his little sidekick there 5 Pack aka Heat (lol) to get up on some gay shit so that we can really set the party off.

I’m also looking for that damn Nibblz to bang some dude out, seeing as she’s a full-time dominatrix (her exact words) and all. Dominatrix? Don’t you mean ho? Oh yes, I’ll be glued to my tv, a least for one more episode.

Oh and it just wouldn’t be right if I didn’t mention all those folks that are missing from the cast. First off, where’s Buckeey.

You gotta have her, especially after that great sex tape I never saw. Also, where is that Gentleman Punk? I thought he was busy trying to show positive images on gutter reality tv….

One spiked strand of moused out hair at a time.

And why couldn’t we get some Buddah back on set. We definitely needed some more of his antics.

Maybe he would have whooped some more ass, something I always appreciate. Oh well, I guess you can’t have it all. Hell, maybe some of these fools actually got their lives together and have moved on to better things….nah. ha

Stallionaires baby…book it.

– Lake

Are You Gellin’? The Kardashian Arse Debate Rages On

June 12, 2008

If you’re a loyal reader of UvT you know there has been a crazy debate about Kim K’s ass in the comments section.

A self described and admitted ass geller (lol) “Zsa Zsa Cookie” told us that she knows Kardashian’s ass is not real. She further alleges that Kardashian’s dumper is filled up with the same substance, ass-a-licious love gel, that she put into her very own ass to give herself that synthetic thunder.

I shit you not. And then, she commanded me to google that “Hydrogel Butt Injections” to prove her point. Well, sheeeit, as a committed life long learner, you know her will I did obey and what I learnt astonished me. WOW.. There really is some wild chick flying around the country, selling bagged up ass to the highest bidder! What is this, some kind of bastardized Robin Hood, rob from the lab, give to the needy stripper? And it appears that dat ass is selling like HOE CAKES!!! Dude, I’m like my boy Will from the comments, if the ass gel is so good and so effective in the fight against negative arse-ness, why doesn’t everyone have it? Or do they?

Right and that’s when you start to feel those walls closing in on you. I mean, could you have been hittin gel for all these years and not even know it? If you were running your hands through Barbaro Mane for the better part of your adult life, why not?

Just as an aside, don’t you love how they make the broad so miserable in the “before” pic? I mean, she aint got no lip chap, is in desperate need of Proactiv and from the looks of it just got popped for trying to lift condoms from her local 7-11. I mean, basically they give you a mug shot, right? Then it’s weave time and everything changes. Suddenly our convicted felon has the custom fit and feel of Aubrey from Making the Band. And yes, I’ll resist expounding on Aubrey….this time.

Yo, I’m here to say that I can’t tell you if Kimmy K’s ass is gellin’ like magellean, ok? Lola Luv’s neither.

What I can tell you is that they’re both banging like a benzy and just like Mario Winans, I don’t wanna know. I mean, if you’re gellin, keep it on the lo.

Dude, let’s just try to put that crazy Angel Lola Luv arse into perspective.

I mean, it’s just hilarious to actually think for a microsecond that such an ass could even possibly be “real”. I mean, come on. Has ANYONE seen a body like that? Fine, I’ve seen asses that big, but they’re attached to a regulation sized lower back, a skrong thigh and study calf. I mean, could her shit be any more out of proportion?

I just don’t have that kind of expertise, but the ladies in the comments sections, some that have first ass errr hand knowledge of today’s technology, swear up and down that her ass (and Kimmy K’s) is as phony as a $3 bill.

Man, I hate this shit. It’s like when I first learned that chicks had weaves. Dude, literally, I really didn’t know and I aint been right since! I mean, you can’t trust anything these days. Double D breass-tah-sis have to be looked upon with suspicion, sub prime mortgage backed securities got my 401k actin’ a bitch, Jello allegedly has swine hoof in it (that’s why it’s so good?), and Petro costs $5 a gallon!!! I can’t trust long silky hair without a background check and two witnesses from the hairdressers. 1 in 4 mufuckas in NYC have herpes and now ass aint even ass! Seriously, this is what you call Lake Arlington hell. Forget the culture wars, can a nilla get a honest and wholesome table dance?

Oh yes, it’s all fucked up.

– Lake

Spitzer’s Hizzie on the Beach

June 10, 2008

I guess you can’t expect this babe to keep her clothes on, right? Ashley Alexandra Dupree was sunning it up over the weekend on the prestigious Jersey Shore.

Damn, I wonder what that tattoo says, “I fucked a Gobner and the entire State of New York!!”?

Now I’m not sure what a “Buss it Baby” is, but she’s got to be one, right? I can’t lie though, nobody ever called this chick ugly.

I wonder who “Unidentified Hoe Numba two” is there with her? I know, I know, she’s not necessarily a hoe, she could just be a friend. Right, she could be a friend…a friend who is a hoe. Let me tell you something. In my experience, hoes tend to run together. That’s why dudes often say, “look at them hoes over there.” And when was the last time you had a really good girl who ran with some straight hoes? Nah, heos are like mice. If you see one, there are far more where that came from and if you see two, they’re definitely part of the same crew. They’re hard as hell to get rid of and even when you kill a couple, they’ve just got about 4 or 5 more stepping up to take their place.

Hmmm, let’s see. Relatively thin, Amy Winehouse beak and hollywood cocaine skinny…Sure, I’d bet she’s about a 6 diamond level hoe and definitely hittable by Eliot’s standards.

Of course, Ashley is a full on 7 diamond, but we can’t all be a high priced hooker, ya dig? I’ll take my Ashley Alexandra Dupree sex tape any time now, thanks.

– Lake


Raafman in the comments says that the second chick on the grassy knoll is none other than Ashley Dupree’s moms!  That changes the standard altogether.  She is a 4 Diamond jump off if she is 21, but at an age of at least 45 (okay, let’s be real…Ashley is 23, Mom’s with a body like that is potentially 38 ) Mom’s has to be running through the “mature escort” game.  I mean she stays in the gym, and the gene pool is strong.  I mean talk about born and bred for the streets…


Silda Spitzer knew about the hoes

April 11, 2008

Of course she did.

It doesn’t excuse it, but clearly Silda knew 1. That Easy E liked to get his freak on and 2. That he was knocking down something other than her for years.

That’s the new word according to sources close to Eliot and Silda Spitzer. I’m not shocked at all. I know that for some of your naive folks out there, it’s as shocking as seeing Kaiser Sose walk straight. Wake up folks. This is what people do…Luke from Accounting is banging out Suzy from Human Resources, who is smoking tweeds on her lunch break with Zach from IT. Just because you can’t see people getting their Client 9 on, riding the white horse or f*cking for snacks, doesn’t mean it doesn’t go on. Always has, always will. But Eliot embarrassed Silda, so even must agree that it’s off with his head.

Never go against the family…Tough.

– Lake

Nascar Loves The Hoes

April 3, 2008

Dude, Max Mosley, the head of the FIA, which is the governing body of Formula One racing, got busted and exposed banging out 5 hookers while they all role played a Nazi concentration camp S&M sex fantasy game. Freaking crazy, peep it.

Yooo, this is so crazy that I don’t even know what to say. It’s one thing to actually get off on some Nazi hoes (which is completely wild), no check that FIVE Nazi hoes, but it’s quite another to actually video tape it! I mean, Eliot Spitzer wants to know what this cat was smoking when he put someone behind that camera.


I know, banging out Nazi hoes is not against the law in Britain, fair enough. Great country. But this cat runs a major international outfit. Just like Jimmy said in Goodfellas, there are appearances that have to be kept up. Homey is supposed to be running cars, not hoes. And yes I know that there’s a difference between Nascar, Formula One Racing, Open Wheel and all the rest, I simply don’t care. The second they stop taping Nazi hoes and whoopin ass with that leather paddle on camera (you really should watch the video), I lose interest. Besides, those “sports” are all the same.

Apparently, all this shit is racist, but down south with Nascar, they’ve got tractors, rakes and hoes.


Over there in Europe with Formula One, they just got the hoes (ok, I lifted that from Black Sheep circa ’91).

Racism, nostalgic references to genocide, paddling, hoes, cars and video tape. Yep, I think it’s officially time to book that trip to Europe. Them UK ladies have been good to a nilla.

– Lake

Matt Leinart is Hilarious

April 3, 2008

There aint much to say about Matt Leinart. I really shouldn’t even post this mess because it’s already all over the internet, but I just have to.


What the hell is wrong with this cat? Is he serious? Matt really is THAT cat who will just never grow up, never get it. Dude gets dissed for not being committed, not being in shape (which is a complete FACT) and just being irresponsible.

So how does he answer to those charges? Riiight, by kicking it with some young chicks from Arizona State?


This cat is playing drinking games with little girls? Matt, you’re in the NFL, you should be getting your swerve on with Client 9 level hoes. Not only that, but it’s not like you don’t already have a kid.


Remember when your old chick tried to take you to the cleaners in court AND ruined your name talking about how you’re a horrible father?


But you’re out here rolling with Nick Lachey and some college babes? Dude, you better have a hot year on the field this year, because your act got old the last time we had some drunken pics of you.


Smarten up homey and strap up with some jim hats.


Leatherface vs. Butterhead

March 31, 2008

What the hell is Aubrey O’Day doing?


What the fuck is this? Didn’t Diddy tell this chick that he was worried about her image after she put her tittays on dubbs and deep fried her grill?


Now Danity Kane is out trying to promote their new album and she’s coming off yet another successful Making the Band series and she tops it all off by hanging out with a washed up porn star hizzoe like Jenna Jamison?


What kind of logic is that? I know, I know, you can’t help it that people take pictures of you and your “friends.” Right, your friends. Let me tell you, Jenna Jamison doesn’t have any friends, just seedy hangers-on and people she hasn’t had sex with yet.


Aubrey, wake up. You’re supposed to be an artist with real talent. At least wait for the end of your career to be seen with washed up has beens from the dregs of the entertainment world. And before one of you come on here talking about how I’m being mean to Aubrey, being mean to Jenna, how they’re both “beautiful,” just cut the shit, ok? I’ve seen Jenna Jamison in person at a restaurant in NY and the name Leatherface is kind! She looked awful. Forget Leatherface, she looked more like Pleatherface and the way Aubrey is going, she aint too far behind.


It’s a bit of a stretch to call Aubrey a Butterhead because her body is fairly unconfirmed (the definition of Butterhead is “everything looks good but her head”), but I kind of like this hoe’d out shot.

Thank goodness Diddy forced her to cut that damn weave off her dome or else she’d be looking even more like some lowly porn extra Jenna took a liking to during some “hot” girl on girl scene than she already does.


Seriously? That’s how you promote your new album? What’s that new single, Damaged? You aint lied yet. Get it together Ma, you’re 15 minutes are almost up. When people said to go out with a bang, this aint what they had in mind.

– Lake