Archive for March, 2008

Damn homey, on the Practice you were the Wo-Man homey, WTF happened to you?

March 31, 2008

Lara Flynn Boyle used to be Skeletor’s bride level hot. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t support the human stick figure chick, but she did look pretty fierce in those size double zero suits she used to rock on The Practice with Bobby Donnell. But look at her now.


Man, that aint even right. I always knew that ole girl used to get some work done, but this is when keeping it plastic goes wrong. How did this happen? Damn, I’m a ill dude, but even I want to see her come out of this one. What’s that, a face lift gone horrible wrong? Dammit. And the scary thing is that her body is the same as it’s always been, so it’s just the face piece.


Not only that, but you can rest assured that she would not have come out (with make-up) if she wasn’t resigned to the fact that this is her new daily appearance. Damn, that’s a Joan Rivers special with extra hollandaise and mango salsa. Even this cat doesn’t get that.


– Lake

Leatherface vs. Butterhead

March 31, 2008

What the hell is Aubrey O’Day doing?


What the fuck is this? Didn’t Diddy tell this chick that he was worried about her image after she put her tittays on dubbs and deep fried her grill?


Now Danity Kane is out trying to promote their new album and she’s coming off yet another successful Making the Band series and she tops it all off by hanging out with a washed up porn star hizzoe like Jenna Jamison?


What kind of logic is that? I know, I know, you can’t help it that people take pictures of you and your “friends.” Right, your friends. Let me tell you, Jenna Jamison doesn’t have any friends, just seedy hangers-on and people she hasn’t had sex with yet.


Aubrey, wake up. You’re supposed to be an artist with real talent. At least wait for the end of your career to be seen with washed up has beens from the dregs of the entertainment world. And before one of you come on here talking about how I’m being mean to Aubrey, being mean to Jenna, how they’re both “beautiful,” just cut the shit, ok? I’ve seen Jenna Jamison in person at a restaurant in NY and the name Leatherface is kind! She looked awful. Forget Leatherface, she looked more like Pleatherface and the way Aubrey is going, she aint too far behind.


It’s a bit of a stretch to call Aubrey a Butterhead because her body is fairly unconfirmed (the definition of Butterhead is “everything looks good but her head”), but I kind of like this hoe’d out shot.

Thank goodness Diddy forced her to cut that damn weave off her dome or else she’d be looking even more like some lowly porn extra Jenna took a liking to during some “hot” girl on girl scene than she already does.


Seriously? That’s how you promote your new album? What’s that new single, Damaged? You aint lied yet. Get it together Ma, you’re 15 minutes are almost up. When people said to go out with a bang, this aint what they had in mind.

– Lake

UvT Soundtrack: March Edition

March 31, 2008

One thing I’ve been kicking my web developer in the arse for is this multimedia extravaganza that I want to bring to our readers. Well the shit aint happened yet, so while I ready my Adidas Campos for dat azz, let me give you the next best thing.


Ok, maybe the next next best thing, but I give you the UvT Playlist for March 2008.

Jack errr Tracklist:

1. Lil’ Wayne – Lollipop (Feat. Static Major) 5:06
2. Jay-Z – You’re Welcome (Feat. Mary J. Blige) 5:05
3. Lupe Fiasco – Superstar (Remix) (Feat. Young Jeezy & T.I.) 3:51
4. Mariah Carey – Touch My Body (Remix) (Feat. The-Dream) 3:31
5. Ne-Yo – Closer 3:53
6. Ace Gutta – Cash Flow (Feat. Rick Ross & T-Pain) 4:28
7. Lloyd – Love Spaceship 4:13
8. Day26 – I’m The Reason 3:09
9. Dontae Peeps – My Number One Girl 3:38
10. Young Dro – All That Money 3:53
11. Rocko – Dis Morning 3:45
12. Snoop Dogg – Nobody Better 3:24
13. Keri Hilson – Get It Girl 3:11
14. Plies – Bust It Baby Part 2 (Feat. Ne-Yo) 4:03
15. Casely – Emotional (Remix) (Feat. Flo-Rida) 4:11
16. Kid Sister – Pro Nails (Feat. Kanye West) 3:27
17. Lloyd – Girls All Around The World (Feat. Lil’ Wayne) 3:31
18. Flo-Rida – Freaky Deaky (Feat. Trey Songz) 3:17
19. Johnta Austin – Say So 4:28

Buy it, jack it… hey, do what you like. Just know that this is the hottest shit out, that is, until I unleash April’s list in about three days. Find it and then enjoy it.

– Lake


Man Up Monday

March 31, 2008

On the last day of March we have a very special March Madness edition of Man Up Monday. I’ve got to send a big Man Up to all of the cats who didn’t have the balls to pick all four number one seeds to make the Final Four.


Your boy Brock has all four seeds left in the Final Four.  I know, I know all you punks think taking all four Number 1 seeds is actually the b*tch move.  Well how about this, you can talk all the junk you want until I’m right.  Don’t double think yourself here, think about it.  Anyone who makes their choices based on the individual games and sees that they end up with four #1 seeds usually goes back and makes some changes.  I pushed on through and rode that baby to the top of my pool.

Lake was actually at the top of the UvT office rankings until I blazed him up today.  The big money is to win the whole pool, but I won this by picking the Final Four.


Oh yeah, been pimpin’ since pimpn’ been pimpin.

Second place goes to Steph Curry and whoever that cat was who ended up taking that last shot in the Davidson-Kansas game.


By the way, did anyone else see Stephen Curry’s moms?  Damn Dell Curry, way to get all the mileage out of that mediocre career.


Pony Making a Comeback?

March 30, 2008

…and by a comeback I mean coming back onto your television screen. It is actually a shame because they have clever commercials:

…and by clever I mean they jacked some of the hottest commercials of the past few years. Honestly, I don’t care what kind of commercials they have nobody feels tough rocking a shoe called “Pony”. Do you feel tough listening to Ginuwine’s Pony? Playing with My Little Pony? Getting a Pony for your birthday? Do you wear your hair in a ponytail? I’m going to assume that my loyal UvT readers answered “no” to all of those questions. If not, go get some milk and cookies because “him downstairs”.

Ponytail guy, let me introduce you to neck tattoo guy. The same rules apply. I know you might think it is cool to rock the ponytail, but if you have a job, no one there is taking you seriously. Just like neck tattoo guy, you need to be an entertainer, an athlete, or pro skateboarder. Wait…a pro skateboarder is an athlete? Sure thing, my bad. Seriously ponytail guy, are you having trouble trying to figure out how to get to the next level at your job? Get an f’ing haircut. I don’t care how long it took you to grow it out, I don’t care how much of your bald spot it is covering, get rid of it and instantly start making $10,000 more than whatever you are making now.

Correction, there are two other jobs you can have…hairdresser, and IT guy. There, now the list is final.

Here’s the only guy who flipped his ponytail into success. Once again, an entertainer:


You don’t want to be that guy do you?

Back to the subject, the Pony commercial is hot because they jacked one of the hottest Nike commercials ever. Check out the original here.

Since we’re talking about it…here is the hottest song in a commercial.

That joint is a standalone rhyme delivered by Jada. Yes it is on the iPod Touch.


Yousa Fun-Ni Matta Fakka Hideki

March 29, 2008

Hideki Matsui is one funny dude.


See, he even laughs at his own jokes. Here’s how it went down. When playing with the fellas in Spring training, Matsui made a bet with Derek Jeter and Bobby Abreu on who would get married first. He then flew out the next day to get married. Nice, like me, you never make a bet you don’t already know you are going to win. So after he stacks some cash (gotta be long money right? Jeter’s not making any $20 bets like Lake’s cheap ass.)

So the New York media is all over my man to see what wifey looks like. I’m sure Hideki saw what happened to A Rod and Spitzer when you let the NY press get a hold of your personal life. So he hits ’em with this.


Niiiiiice. I wonder if he drew it himself. He took it so seriously too. That is the equivalent of flicking off the media as far as I’m concerned. At least we know he is keeping it real with the Asian babe.

Hey, bad news ladies, I just got married too. Want to meet wifey?


Drew it myself.


Say It Aint So: Did Eliot Hit This?

March 28, 2008

We all know Eliot Spitzer hit a panoply of hoes over the past couple of decades, but now the Feds are linking him to yet another prostitution ring and some are even saying her got personal service from the organization’s ring leader, Kristin “Billie” Davis.


And no, that is not some photoshopped, frosted out picture.  That’s really what this chick looks like.  I don’t get it. How do you go from smooth Ashley Dupre to this plastic looking she-he thing?


Better but still not right. I don’t get the fasination some dudes have with plastic broads. I hate the fake J, hate the bottled blond hair and definitely can’t stand the Mt. Rushmore grill piece with the 4 layers of polyurethane shellacked up on top of a gallon of liquid foundation.


Yeah, yeah, if you catch those breasts at the right angle you might think they’re tight. I get that but that face is just terrible at any angle. Her nose is Hungry Man skrong and that extra edged and etched Jaw piece is a Rumer Willis special.


Hey, I know Eliot has shown some horrible judgement, but you don’t go from hitting this:


Damn, let’s get another Ashley Dupre shot in there.


Last one:


Damn.. I can’t lie, this chick is fine. Ok, now I’ve sufficiently cleansed my palate for that horrible tranny (sorry Roxy Rose) looking babe.

– Lake

Guilty: Remy Is Going to Jail

March 27, 2008

SURPRISE!! Nobody’s favorite rapper Remy Mom is on her way to the big house.


What, you can’t just shoot your friend in front of one of the busiest nightlife sections of NYC and get away with it? What is this world coming to? Again, here is a picture of wild Remy and her ex lady friend, the one she busted a cap in over 3 stacks.


Damn these broads are rough. I hate to say it, but I’d be willing to be that Don Imus was looking at these babes before he threw dirt on the Rutgers Hoops squad for no reason.


And how do you go from “let’s go out to Pop Burger Tonight” to “where da bitch at?” followed by rapid gunfire to the stomach piece inside of one evening? I mean, if I was going to shoot Brock’s punk ass over some low shit, the least I’d do is wait for the argument to marinate a little bit and I sure as hell wouldn’t be rolling with the cool steel talkin about “That’s my word, if this fool says one more thing to me about dat Allison Stokke post, he’s a goner. ” I mean, damn. Let the murderous rage marinate ladies.. Let it simmer, see?


Anyway, I wonder if Remy will be going to Rikers to meet up with Foxy Brown?


Help….Ok, that wasn’t fair. We’ll show a flattering pic of Fox Boogie.


Happy? You know ole girl hasn’t been doing well with her bid. She’s been all wild in the news, asking for medical discharge and the like. I mean, come on babe, all this bitching and crying is fucking up your studio gangster ghost writer credibility.

I think Ms. Ma is a bit different though. Don’t get me wrong, she’s just as crazy as Foxy, only I think Remy really is thugged the fuck out on the rizzeal.


Shoot, I’d be willing to be almost anything that in a matter of weeks she’ll be trading cigarette packs for young nubile hoe meat on the open pokey market.


On thing I do appreicate, at least the fashion police can close their Federal Inquiry into that horrible fashion sense and correspondingly turrible ass gear.


Goodness! See ya in 5 to 25 years errr 36 months, Ma.

– Lake

Hilarious: This Is Why Men Hate Women

March 27, 2008

Dude, I can’t imagine anything worse than proposing to a chick in public. Well, yes I can, proposing in public and then getting iced the fuck out. Well, that’s what these two losers got and boy is it funny.

Yo, on the real tip. This cat probably wasn’t even dating this chick. She’s got that Lindsay Lohan thing going on and in more ways than one. You just can’t go there unless you’ve got a strong indication of YES. This cat got what he deserved. Nothing worse than that “ummm, get up, this is embarrassing, uh, I’m leaving (bitch).” Here’s another:

Now see, that chick was just a yatch about it. You can’t just high tail it out of there, leaving that cat to look into the crowd. The best part was that “honey, honey, honey” followed by “ohhhh” after he got stoned. Perfect. Yall women aint right. These babes couldn’t fake the funk for 30 seconds? Damn… Silda (Spitzer) take the wheel.


I need a ride or die chick.

– Lake

Classic Material: Doc Holliday in Tombstone

March 27, 2008

Val Kilmer is basically a garbage actor. Well, I’m kind of a bullshit movie goer to so we’re even. But I aint never seen the dude in a movie I was all that impressed it. Well, with one HUGE exception: Tombstone. It was just a great movie. My favorite line is the one about the “music lover.” Doc learns that full a good lesson.

That “I have two guns….one for each of ya” is just brilliant. It really doesn’t get any better. But Val was hot throughout the movie. Here’s a montage of other scenes. If you’ve watched the movie, then you’ll feel me.

I love Doc. Dude was just better and was a complete dick to boot. Reminds me of someone I know. Pretty sure I’m related to Holliday on my mama side or was that Rick Flair? I can’t keep up. Anyway, Doc had what all the good ones have: a ride or die woman at his side. Good stuff. I love the ladies.

– Lake