Archive for July, 2008

Who in the hell is Jason Bay?

July 31, 2008

That’s just an open question for any of you sports fans out there.  And yes, this shit is so wild to me that I had to go ahead and post TWICE on it.

And once you answer that question, tell me if you’d rather have him or ME, Lakey the Player, out in left field for the Sawks?  Wait, let me get this straight, the Sox traded arguably the best hitter in the American League for THIS DUDE?

Unless this mufucka can swim with the pigeons or fly with the fishes, I want nothing to do with him.  Seriously, I’m rethinking my affiliation with this team.  Cats win a couple world titles and then start to lose their minds.  Who do they think was swinging that damn bat, THEO?

Somebody get Barry Bonds on the phone.  UNACCEPTABLE!!!!!!

– Pissed

Stupidity Defined: The Boston Red Sox Trade Manny?!?!?!

July 31, 2008

WTF are these assholes in Boston doing?!

How in the hell can you trade the one indispensable piece in the entire organization for (drumroll) JASON BAY?!!!!

Are you fucking kidding me?  Who in the hell is Jason Bay?  I’ll have more on this later, but I do not get this at all.

Theo Epstein aint that smart, but Manny is errr was that good.  Why not go ahead and trade Big Papi, Beckett and Pappelbon for PacMan Jones, a brick of yayo and a bowl of Manhattan Clam Chowder while you’re at it?  I know, why not structure the entire team around “good guys” who give Peter Gammons the most interviews.  Idiots!!!!!

– Lake

From Handchecks to Phone Checks

July 31, 2008

There’s something new in the world of “you can go to jail for that?” news.  Ex-NBA ref Tim Donaghy was just sentenced to 15 months of prison time for giving inside tips on games. At best, that means he was tipping people off when Chauncy Billups needed some extra tape on his ankles, at worst he was calling too many charges and bumps in the lane.  For some reason, that means that Donaghy pled guilty to felony conspiracy charges.  Conspiracy for what?  Conspiring to make some loot on a game.  Altering the outcome of a game?  You go to jail for that?  Look, I get perjury.  You lie under oath and you gotta go.  But making him go to jail?  That ain’t right.  Pete Rose is the most notorious gambler ever and he just can’t get into the hall of fame, he never went to jail.

Anyway, here are a few tips for Tim while he’s in the ol’ hoosegow.

First, prey that no one in jail never sees this picture.

I don’t know what you were doing, but it is going to be interpreted differently on the inside.  Also, you might not want to do this either.

Unless you are huddled out in the yard shooting craps.  Otherwise, you should keep your head well above crotch level at all times.

Finally…

If a bald brother with a handlebar mustache creeps up behind you anytime in the next 15 months, you might want to watch your back.

Phone Check Fool.

-Brock

Busted: Photoshop is Performance Enhancing

July 31, 2008

We’ve had some photoshopping casualties out here. Most notably Usher’s horrible wife Tameka. But I aint ever seen anybody get exposed like this. Dammit.

I guess this babe is some star on Big Brother UK or something. Anyway, she’s got that thunder up top, but it comes at a price. Pretty bold of this babe to do this shoot at all if you ask me.

– Lake

TO Uses Pacman at Cowboys Camp

July 31, 2008

With all the foolishness about Pacman Jones cats really forgot to remember whether or not dude is really that nice at football to begin with. I know he was a big draft pic and all, but TO really got him with this double move, peep it:

A little rusty hey there Pac? Look, it was all good when you were wilin out at the skrip club, whoopin ass, and causing general mayhem back in the day, because we all believed you were good enough to be worth the headache. But don’t let cats realize that you’re just another dude with a bad attitude along with a standard 3.2 year NFL career. Actually, let me get angle two on that joint.

All… Now see, you can’t let TO finesse you like that. The big thing with TO is that he can phys you up and THEN finesse you a little bit too.  Wouldn’t it be terrible if Pacman didn’t get reinstated after all this?  I mean, what is Roger Goodell trying to prove with that anyway?  I guess he’s just giving dude enough rope to hang himself.  Free Pacman I say.

– Lake

Say what you want, but Kardashian pics never get old

July 31, 2008

Bumping around the web today and I’m just doing my thing. Yep, there’s Amy Crackhouse’s pops saying she went to the hospital b/c of a ruffie in her drank. Ok, there’s the one Kardashian sister I don’t care about (the one that looks like Chyna). Yep, Nick Hogan is still an asshole and then it hit me. What do you ask? THIS!

“Get sillaaaaaay.” Dude, you’d think after a while that you’d stop being shocked by that Kardashian tail. But I’m here to tell you, it gets me every time. And by the way, those horizontal stripes don’t do much to tone down the thunderous rage she’s got going on trunk side.

Damn. And while we’re talking about it, why do women have to grab up on the J’s when they’re looking in the mirror at the store? Realistically, what are you figuring out when you grip on up? Is it like a dude when he’s got to reposition his junk? I don’t get it, but in the case of Kimmy K, it can only be a good thing.

Hey, cats can hate, but this is a really bad chick. I actually like that dress. Look at me getting sucked in.

And yes, that dress does make your ass look big. This chick being featured daily can’t be good for many relationships out here. Kim is really fucking up the game. I can’t even lie.

– Lake

Mr. Belding: He Wasn’t a Principal, He Was A Pimp-cipal

July 30, 2008

It seemed like Saved by the Bell was on TV for long about forever.

It was on so long, I don’t even recognize that dude in the top left.  Who the hell is he?  They really must not have needed his ass because he got clipped and not replaced.  He looks like he’s supposed to be the cool ’80’s music teacher or something.  I also know I’m going to have a Lisa Turtle/Lark Voorhees flashback before this is all said and done.

Here’s the question, if you had to look at all the guys in this picture and predict who is pimpin’…who would it be. (Aside from the aforementioned Beaker looking guy…Seriously, who is that?)  Zack Morris?  Actually, where the hell is that dude and when was the last time her worked?  “Saved By the Bell: They Got Jobs Now“?  Screech?  He does have a sex tape (yes I didn’t look for nor link to it on purpose).  Slater?  Isn’t he dancing with the Stars?  Was that him?  It was right, so he’s got that bad dancing chick.  Well you’re all wrong.  The correct answer is Mr. Muthafackin’ Belding.  Peep this.

Mr. Belding is gettin’ it in Vegas.  Three chicks, trying to grab some high thigh, still dressed like a principal.  Don’t believe it’s him?

That’s him, and that’s not Lisa Turtle…she might be hiding a few turtles though.  So is Mr. Belding really pimping, can he strike a pose?

Nice, Mr. Belding.  Still got that sense of humor.  That pic is hilarious.  The classic “slap that ass” pic must have been right after this one.  What is this guy doing other than enjoying life?  Oh, and this isn’t news by the way, this is apparently what this guy does.  Talk about stretching out your 15 minutes of fame.  These chicks probably think it’s cute to bang Mr. Belding.

And for the record:

Lark Voorhees can still get it.  She looks like a regular chick too.  I might have to holler at her and Betty Okino and have a quick 80’s fantasy flashback.

-Brock

Afroninja: Can’t Be Faded

July 30, 2008

You know we here at Us Versus Them support our heroes.  You’ve got to keep up with where they end up.  So you need to peep out the world famous Afroninja.

I mean you have to assume that the dude had some sort of skills since he came into the video with not one, but two pair of nunchucks.  You gotta love the commentary too.  “Are you okay?  No…he’s not.”

Well, that dedication to trying to still rock his nunchuck routine after he whooped his own ass made him internet famous.

Now he’s got himself a good man haircut and apparently also a legit job.

That cat still looks crazy to me, but he’s flipped it into a real movie script about the Afroninja.  Complete with dual nunchucks.

That still looks ridiculous.  Could be funny though, but how do you stretch a 10 second mistake into a feature film?  Probably going to be a sci-fi channel special.

Man, maybe we could get Star Wars Kid to be in the next star wars movie.  He could be Anaken Skywalker’s secret apprentice, Darth Cheetoe or something.

Maybe not.

-Brock

Great Video: Stuntin is a Habit (Get Like Me)

July 29, 2008

Yo, I know I’m waaaaaaaay late on this song, but I just now put the video in the lab and I must say, it’s some of the finest work I’ve ever seen.

First of all the concept that I stunt, ball or just get mine more than the average cat will never die. NEVER. The theme is iron clad and I enjoy it when it’s perfectly executed. And how do you accomplish this?

1. Have a hot hook – Check

“Stuntin is a Habit, Get Like Me” – I mean, doesn’t that just say it all? It pretty much encapsulates my entire outlook on life.

2. Have that hot bounce on the beat – Check

A cat can’t lose with that beat.

3. Have a hot gimmick – Check

That wild “put it in the air” with the hot point to the heavens is just about right, ESPECIALLY when you couple it with those cameo appearances (more on that later).

4. Hook up the timely verse with a non-gay R&B supernova – Check

Dude, this Chris Breezy is just a certified hit maker. It can’t be denied. Homey is huge and everything I hear I like. You gotta take away a few points for the extra aggressive pop and lock session, but as my girl Jabber Jawz told me, “he’s just 19, he can do that.” Indeed he can!

5. Have Video hoes errr vixens – That’s a given – Chizzeck

6. Have HOT cameos with cats you’d NEVER see on any other rap video – CHECK

I had to hit that rewind button like 10 times and then pause it to ensure it was in fact Barry Bonds with that “Put it in the air” swing piece. Now that was FIRE. Then when he had Gavin and Joe Maloof (Yes, THAT MALOOF as in owns the Sac Town Kings and the Palms hotels in Vegas and lord knows where else) hooking up the “I got paper and you don’t” sign, I just lost it.

Shiiiieet, David Banner is a high level cat. It’s not wonder that he’s got all the necessary elements to get a spot on this blog. The cat is a holder of a college degree and I’m told was one dissertation defense shy of his PhD, but yet he keeps that requisite ignance you need and want from the genre.

Nuff said. Dude understands the ingredients to cook up some marvelous shit to get your mouth watering (Wu Tang reference for the informed). And now for my only criticism. They ask a basic question, “have you ever seen a Chevy with the butterfly doors?” My answer, “No” and since I watched the video, I still haven’t. Terrible, but overall I like it, A LOT. And old or not as soon as I get a little cold weather I’ll be taking that other German out of the garage, dropping the top and pulling out this new joint with this song blaring.

Chinchilla. Love it or leave it.

– Lake

Thick White Woman Alert: USC Soccer Star Megan Ohai

July 29, 2008

All I know is that somebody needs to check the post count ‘for he be talking about Lake falling down on the job. Hey, Lake don’t blog unless it’s for a worthy cause. I aint been inspired, so like Oran Juice Jones, “Instead I chilled“. Ya dig? But bumping around the net today, I saw something that did catch my eye. Dats right, another thick white woman gone public. Meet Megan Ohai, an All-American soccer star from Utah (they got thickness in Utah?) who now makes her home at USC:

Pedestrian you say? “Yeah, so what” you quip? Sure, but have you familiarized yourself with angle 2?

And in case you’re wondering, I’m not talking about the emaciated zebra on the left. Nah, we’re hunting big game at usversusthem. And what I love about this chick is that she reminds me so much of babes I grew up with. You know the ones. Back in the day they were dissed for being “boxy” or “bulky”. Basically they were dissed for being that softball girl we all knew.

That’s right, I don’t buy that the new white girl ass is really all that new. Nah, it’s just out, exposed and celebrated now for all to see. Remember our Cheerleader friend from Indiana University (NSFW and ALL)?

One version of the previously underground thick white chick was this same highly coordinated and athletic type who had to do everything she could to keep that fat and unappreciated ass out of harms way lest she be tormented and persecuted for her beneath(s). Consequently, dat ass had to go stealth with a series of button ups, long tees and sweaters. It was hidden, along with the advanced thigh, so that the closest you ever got to seeing the goods was this:

Uh huh. See the KFC thigh? See the arched up back piece and the nebulous wonder twins activating up under the hook? See, if you can’t see it, it’s because you just don’t have an eye for it. I know, I was once like you. I couldn’t appreciate it. I had to have it spelled out for me. But now I see a pic like the one above, engage my Lake-Ray vision and see all the possibilities, namely:

Hello! Hot dammit and yes you do have to take away a quarter point for the excessive lean, but hey, it’s all good. And you know what really hilarious about this pic? Look at ole zebra trying to pull her ass out like she’s sittin on them thangs, poor thing. I think Weezy said it best in A Milli:

You’re like a (chick) with no ass, you aint got shit!

And that bemused look on her face, that’s what happens when you realize that a revolution has started up, but you’re not on board. It’s the same face Ole Mayne McCain had when President Obama was rocking the house in Berlin (incidentally, if cats in Germany have Obama-mania, given their wild history, don’t you pretty much think it’s a wrap for John Boy?).

It’s the look of defeat. She knows she can’t compete. Oh and I know what the true connoisseurs of the lady are thinking, “Ok, she’s got the arse, but what about the rest of her, I mean, I can live with a semi butterface, after all we all have at one point or another, but what about the front Lake, wuz up with THAT?”… I got you homies. But I must say, my findings are mixed. Here we have skrong athletic belly.

Which is very cool, by the way, ole Petra Cotton tail over there looks kinda cute, but that outfit looks like a Spencer’s gifts special, ok? Just terrible dude. But then once you go to that angle 1.5, it starts to get a lil dicey for young Meg.

I know, I know, I just don’t know women’s bodies and every woman has that little pooch. Maybe, but how can I discern the pooch from the suck in?

I own know. I suspect we just caught her in the off season, because this shot right ‘chere is juuust about right if you account for thick white woman arse credentials and a KFC bloodline on them legs:

And I do repeat, if you’re not working but with one thang below the waist, you’re just not living your life right guys. Trust me, you gotta learn to work a chick like this. Now see, I bet some dude named ‘Kirk’ is bullshittin on this babe right now. Cat aint touched a thigh, has yet to tenderize that rump…I mean, just has no clue.

How do I know that, because I was once that way. Us white dudes, we keep it old school until someone shows us the light. It’s pretty basic. You start at the J, then you let her focus on you, then you just go straight in for the smash.

It’s a damn shame too. Now that I’m an old school player, I’d be firing up the Kingsford on some slow roast with this babe. You can’t let that fire burn too hot, gotta let it marinate my nillaz. Don’t worry, stick with me, I’ll learn ya.

– Lake