Archive for the ‘We Smoke The Dope’ Category

Matt Jones: “We Snort the Coke, We Drink the Wine!!!!”

July 14, 2008

Matt Jones muthafuckas it’s party time!!!

We missed this from last week, but Matt Jones, Jags Wide Receiver and former “good guy” got busted for Coke by the fuzz.

Damn.  Anyway, the 6 foot 8 inch, former Arkansas Quarterback got picked up with two more of his boys while cutting up coke in a car with a credit card.

Genius!  I mean, what can be said?  If you get busted cutting up some coke in public place, we can rest assured that you have a drug problem.  And this just in, Matt Jones says that “it wasn’t him” or better yet, “it’s wasn’t his”..  Ha.  Right, because that defense works for anybody not named R. Kelly or Shaggy.  Hey Matt, unless you’ve sold 100 Million albums, you can’t use that one player.  Nah, that felony yeyo possession charge is gonna stick something serious my man.

Seriously, how wild do you think this cat is?  I mean, he’s big as all hell, cutting up some wild bolivian marching powder in a parking lot and has enough game to play NFL Wide Out.


– Lake

Amy Winehouse is on that Stuff…

June 24, 2008

And as Lake would say, ones of people are surprised. Look, the chick went from this:

Regular looking babe. To this:

You can tell from the arm shrinkage that she has already signed up for that street pharmaceutical diet. then she hit you with this.

And this is unconfirmed, but apparently they tried to make her go to rehab and she said no, no, no.

Well I guess Amy has taken it all too far because she just got checked into the hospital with emphysema triggered by smoking that crack. 65 year olds who smoke three packs a day get emphysema. How much crack did this chick smoke? Someone should have intervened a little earlier dont’cha think? We’ll see if she wakes up after this incident and lays off the rocks. In the meantime, can someone explain to me why everyone likes her music? Thanks.



I aint right to say, but this babe is officially on death watch. I mean, look at the broad:

I mean, just look at her.  Coked up, dacked down..  All kinds of wild cuts and scars.  Looks like the babe just came out of battle.  Jesus.  You know, I think I’d be at peace with her fate if she’d only kill that bird’s nest that rests atop her dome.  I mean, what the fuck is that and how is it that the rest of her is falling apart, but the lump somehow manages to sit on high, chillin like, “drugs cannot harm me”… I mean, what is that, a wig, toupé?  Like, for real.. what’s going on?

– Lake

Tatum O’Neal Cracks Up

June 3, 2008

Tatum O’Neal was picked up buying crack on Sunday. Yes that is as crazy as it sounds. Sure, it isn’t that interesting that she’s on drugs, but who smokes crack? Also, if you’re famous, can’t you get your crack delivered? Plus, if I had to guess, Tatum would have been a cocaine chick. You know, crackheads are like meth tweakers, they usually end up looking like this:

If you’re on cocaine, you can still look like this:

Seriously, I’m not into drugs, but you gotta go for the clean high right? You don’t go to that crack rock until you hit the bottom. You know, you need to be living in a car and eating crackers and ketchup before you go to the crack rock. Invest in your high. What do rich people get high on these days? Ambien? Oxycontin? Red Bull, Codiene and Viagra? Hell I don’t know. But drop a couple of dollars on the good stuff.

As always, Us Versus Them always tracks down the interviews no one else can get. This time the interns were able to track down Tatum’s ex husband John McEnroe for his exclusive statement on the topic.

You ain’t lied John, you ain’t lied.


BUSTED: Joakim Noah Smokes The Dope

May 28, 2008

This really isn’t news so I’ll give it a few seconds of actual story time until I move on to more worthy pursuits.  But Joakim Noah, the back-to-back NCAA Basketball National Champion and Chicago Bull Forward, just got busted for possession the hippie lettuce and unauthorized public liquor sippin the ‘nother day in Florida.

I know, I know, the next thing I’ll tell you is that water is wet, R. Kelly enjoys pissing on teens and the Yankees Suck this year.  Believe me, Joakim Noah smoking tweed is about as much of a lock as you can possibly get in life. 

And while we’re at it, hell, why not, let’s just go ahead and roll back that ridiculous celebration dance homey pulled last year.

Hard to imagine that dude is on some banned substances, huh?  And even better, his pops doesn’t understand what all the fuss is about, hmmmm, I wonder why?

“In the newspapers, there’s a lot of talk about my son who is 23 and has a drink with his friends and who is caught with a joint in his pocket,” said Noah senior.

“He called me. He said: ‘Dad, I think I’ve blundered’. I said: ‘Yes, it’s a mistake but it’s not serious. Don’t change. Make me happy, don’t let it happen again’.”

Hey, it’s hard to fault pops for taking the smooth and easy approach when he can smoke the finest herbs over in Paris with an assortment of extra light skinned bunnies he seems to hold in his pockets like so many nickels and dimes (Godfather I reference).

Yannick is so pimp.  I’m sure Joakim needs some “home grown” to just get his mind off how much cooler his pops is than him.  Anyway, While I was looking up the particulars on this Joakim “blunder” I noticed something: Joakim’s sister Yelena Noah is pretty decent.

Whoops, that’s “Black” from Flavor of Love 3.. not sure how she got in there… Yelana?

Very nice.. now lean with it…

Ahhh, interesting, but only average.  Maybe she needs to be glammed up a bit:

Better, but still unimpressive.  Hey, mid post, I’ve reversed myself.  Not only is this babe not UvT quality, but now I finally know how Pac felt on “Hit Em Up” when he pronounced, “I don’t even know why I’m on this mufuckin track,” because this chick is scarcely post worthy.  To cleanse my palate let me lace up one of Yannick Noah’s ladies of yore, Heather Stewart Whyte, his second wife.

Now she was/is Euro-flow, Bolivian Marching Powder, celery for breakfast, lunch and dinner hot.  Sheeeeiit, she was even Maxim ugly American hot…

Hell, she’s even got some Not Safe For Work street cred right here.  I like it.  Sheeeeit, Heather saved my post.  Can’t have the “you’re ho game is weak” boo birds blowing up my celly like last week. 

– Lake

Bow Wow Wow Yippie Yo Yippie Yeeeeee-haw

April 17, 2008

I love Snoop.  He’s been in the game for 15 years and is still so legit that he can get away with this.

Where do I start?  The Cowboy hat?  The belt buckle?  The leather vest?  That shirt?  That chain?  The jheri curl?  Man, if he had cut the sides of the curl in a full on mullet he really would have stuck the landing on this one.  Pedro knew how to lock it in.

Damn, that curl is shiny as hell.  I know the back of his neck is so slick that he’d probably get suspended for throwing a curve ball after he touched it.  Baseball really needs to look into this.

Seriously though, Snoop is rolling cowboy style when he started looking like this:

Really real, really gangster.  To this:

I had to get the full length joint so I can peep the cowboy boots.  He still looks like he’s wearing Stacy Adams.  I knew that damn belt had a metal tip too.  Haaaa!


Vanilla Ice take the wheel…

April 10, 2008

Now see, this is what gives us cool white dudes a bad name. Cats just have to learn to stay in their lane, play it cool and you’ll get the best of both worlds as a down ass white dude. This cat, I mean, WOW, this is just fucking deplorable, but HILARIOUS. If you can stand it to wait for that second verse, please do. I mean, it took me that long to begin to actually laugh. I think prior to that I was just in shock. Haa, wow.

Wow. Somebody call child protection, the bloods, crips and the aryan brotherhood. All four entities need to give this fool a good once over. Awful.

– Lake


All I want to know is, where the hell did this kid get the “Let it Burn” instrumental from?  I’m sure he did Usher proud with that one.  And what was that date he kept dropping?  The first time he hunched this chick out in front of his white fence?

Running in the Cuffs: Stupid Criminal Watch

April 9, 2008

This is a great one. Apparently Cleveland Browns player Kenny Wright was arrested a few days ago for marijuana possession.

He had 1.875 ounces on him. The UvT weed heads can let me know whether that counts as personal possession or possession with intent to distribute. Back in the day Nate Newton made it clear, he had a van full of bricks, 213 pounds worth, Kenny just wanted to get his smoke on.

So here is where the story gets good. The cops arrest him, he’s heading to the station, for some inexplicable reason he is in freaking Pearland, Texas. Standard stuff, right. He’ll get booked, may spend a night in the drunk tank, people will see the story and think he’s a Bengal instead of a Brown, then he will end up back in Pearland about three months from now and made to do some community service and pay a fine. Case closed right? Naaaaaaah. So here’s what Kenny decides to do. He decides to break out his defensive back skeeeels and MAKE A RUN FOR IT AT THE POLICE STATION.

Well, I guess you should throw deep on the Browns next season because old Kenny got run down by Pearland’s finest within a quarter mile. That means that he also gets to add unlawful restraint and evading arrest to the rapsheet. Look, one of my boys tried to run in the cuffs a few years ago. That raises all kinds of other questions, like:

1: Where the hell do you think you’re going?

2: How were you going to get the handcuffs off?

3: Do you really think you can outrun trained cops with your hands bound behind your back?

4: You are an NFL player…they already have your name and information…you think they don’t know where to find you? I think Ohio’s extradition laws to Texas are pretty sound. See question #1.

I’ve already covered enough to make this a Us Versus Them classic. But that’s not all. Check my mans mugshot.

Well damn, I guess he did get picked up for weed charges. Let’s go ahead and excuse that turrible ass damn low cut, cleavage errr clavicle bearing G-G-G-G-G-Unit grey beater this dude is has on. Let’s also excuse the fact that his tattoo makes him look like he got a chest hair shape up with a high left, low right. This dude is tweeeeeded out. I thought the herb was supposed to calm you down? Why is this dude running for the hills like he’s hopped up on Red Bull, speed, caffeine, and Mountain Dew?

Great job Kenny.


Euros get krunk with Olympic Torch

April 7, 2008

This isn’t your standard UvT post, but I just kind of thought it was a bit interesting and kind of funny, really. I don’t know. I guess I’m just a weird cat who can find humor in anything, but this whole extinguish the Olympic flame thing is kind of funny to me.

To put that eternal Olympic flame out is great. Still, even if those tree huggers got their snuff out on, they’ve got to know that they’ll just break out some reserve flame they keep in some barometric chamber in Helsinki errr the damn van riding along side the motorcade.

Eternal Olympic Flame, please, they light the mofo with a Zippo every morning. As if anyone would know the difference if they did just spark it up… As if anyone even cares how or when it got lit.

See, that’s funny. Anyway, here’s what I saw that gave me a little chuckle about the video:

1. The Concept – There was something about seeing that Olympic torch in London, fighting for it’s “life like a candle in the wind… never knowing… who to cling to, when the hippies run in” that just makes me laugh. I mean, what a perfect prank for those hippies to pull. Can’t you just hear them during that 10 minute smoke session errrr 12 minute “activist rally” before they roll on the flame?

Thugged Hippie: You know what we should doooooo maaaaan?

(Soft hippies looking at the speaker like, “nah nilla, what?”)

Thugged Hippie: *Puff Puff, hiccup* We should put out the Olympic flame, dude. That would be narly…fucking awesome. It will make big headlines and what are they going to do? Arrest us?

(Now I must state that Thugged Hippies always talk about arrest fondly. It’s not that they’re particularly brave, it’s just that they’ve got so many drug arrests, child support orders and petty assault charges that for them, a “righteous arrest” for chicks errr Tibet is the least of their worries)

Thugged: Besides, it’s only a B Major Assault anyway (Activist Thugs always know the laws they’re about break, it’s part of their charm. They want to mouth it off to the coppers as they get dragged away)

2. The Arse Whuppin’ – Not as good as in the USA because the cops over in Euro don’t carry gats and don’t get W Bush level ignorant like ours, but is there anything funnier than some dirty, off-balanced, malnourished hippie getting stomped out by some clean, off-balanced, malnourished Euro Po Po?

I love that moment and CNN won’t run the footage without the arse kicking… As soon as they hit that pavement, I just die laughing, hit pause on my tivo and run it back.

3. The Torch Carrier Gets More Than They Bargained For – Nothing better than seeing that little girl with the torch in hand two seconds before those filthy bandits try to wrestle it away. I mean, it’s kind of fucked up actually. They don’t just let anyone roll with the torch.

Invariably that person is a cancer survivor, town spelling bee champ, past Olympian or someone’s rich kid. Anyway, I’m a low cat, so watching their piece of Olympic history, when joy and pride meet “what the fuck” and “Ohhhh, noooo” just cracks me up.

4. Unexpected Humor – There’s always something about the video that’s funny. In this particular video it’s the UK brother doing his best Kansas Jayhawk box out of the crowd/media. I don’t know, it was just comical to me. Also, seeing the less brave and committed hippies up top yelling “free Tibet,” only to start laughing after the crowd moved on. That was classic. Those Hippies don’t give a damn about Tibet. You know someone gave them those flags… it’s classic. Pretty hilarious actually. Your country is in Iraq on a bullshit war, your nation (the UK) has been responsible for chaos and despair around the globe for centuries, but YOU’RE out here protesting China’s treatment of Tibet?

I think I feel you hip.. Spark up the sweet grass and let me know when you get that good shit in from Vancover and I’m all in with whatever cause you’re taking up this week.

– Lake

Hey Ladies! Party at Our House…

March 26, 2008

We’ve got a new toy in the UvT office. We already throw the wild parties, and someone finally invented something to make it official.


Oh yeah, we’ve got that Chandelier trapeze. Keep em swinging from the rafters.


Okay, so it is more swing than lamp. The execution isn’t too elegant. Still, it’s hot though. You know the sexy ladies are invited. Big girls, it will hold you too. Hell, you can even bring your moms.


Tell her to upgrade that gear though.


Mary Ann Loves That Mary Jane

March 11, 2008

 This post is going to need a theme song.  Click this before reading on:

Awwww, come here girl…

Now where was I?  Oh yeah, Mary Ann from Gilligan’s Island got arrested for marijuana possession.


You know Mary Ann..always the “smart girl” to Ginger’s “pretty girl”, part of the eternal debate of “who’s hotter, Ginger or Mary Ann?”.  For anyone who doesn’t know, here’s Ginger.


She definitely was keeping it 60’s sexy right there.  Anyway, now we’ve got lots of answers.  If we never found out how they got off the island, we definitely know how they got off on the island.  Mary Ann was packing that cheeba in coconuts and blazing between takes.  Hell, as far as I’m concerned we know who is hotter now too.  Who do you want, the chick that looks good, or the babe bringing a few dime bags to the party?

Hell, you know if ole girl is still blazing at 69 years old, she was a straight freak back when she was 26 and every white boy with a TV’s dream.

Hey Eliot…uhhhhh, Client 9, Mary Ann is about 5″5′, 105, brunette…just like you like ’em.  You tryin’ to holla?


Gotta think about it?  I feel you.