Archive for the ‘Jessica Simpson’ Category

The Ladies of Summer

July 22, 2008

I’m not feeling very creative, funny or inspired, so I figured I’d hook up a post for the fellas and by fellas I mean for MYSELF. Anyway, our first lady of summer is Jessica Simpson. You how people say someone walks like they’re “butt driven” or “hips driven”? Well, until now I’ve never seen someone who looks “Tits Driven” (incidentally, when you’re talking about an old school chick like Jess, you definitely say “Tits”, ya know. You keep it old school, “I Love the 80s” real… it’s only right):

Lol. That’s a pretty crazy forward lean, right? It seriously looks like the Js are pulling her (and me) forward. Who knows. Apparently she got boo’d at some country concert.

Jeez, her without those boobs out is like me without my money. It just aint right on any level.

Who would have thought, oh 5 years ago, that her sister would be married to a legitimate rock star and on her way to having a baby while Jess and those great breasts would be single, taken for all her damn loot cakes by her no talent ex and getting boo’d at concerts? Tough. She does look good in that dress though, I’ll give her that. Speaking of a chick that looks good who I’m not usually all that excited about, check out Anna Kournikova at fashion week.

“Hello, hello, Dey know, dey know!”

Oh and I remember Will from “The” Ohio State talking about Rosario Dawson’s breasts back in the day. I’m sure you all already peeped it, but oh well, here we go:

Best cat in the entire pic, that little kid who can’t believe Rosario is working that hose so right. Damn, I didn’t know babygirl was packing like that. But what happened to the rest of her? I guess we’re all getting older. NEXT.

Oh, it’s our favorite Governator Ashley Dupre in a Bikini.

Boy that midsection is slick, but with that mini bottom she can’t be packing too much in the back. Anyway, I’m feeling the wild accessories and tat, so I’m going to give her a thumbs up for this pic. I’m also somehow comforted to know that I’m only looking at a 3 diamond level ho on the 7 diamond must scale. I mean, it’s good to know that in this economy, at least something is holding value out here.

And what would a summer post be without UvT fav Christina Millian?

Huh? I like the enthusiasm but something aint right here. Maybe I need a new t shirt printed up with the phrase “No Reduced Ass Ness” etched on the front. Come on now, I can only hope that angle two is better.

Better, yes, but only slightly. I may require a sex tape to clear this one up. Yikes. I hope she doesn’t have Amy Winehouse disease. Babygirl aint looking right at all. I don’t want to have to downgrade her, but this is NOT what I wanted to see for my Summer bunnies post. Terrible.

– Lake

Top Ten Hollywood Breasts List…YES!

July 3, 2008

Hey, I didn’t come up with this list but I’m happy to discuss it. You know, as I look down at this InTouch Weekly “Best Hollywood Tits” list, I’m actually kind of embarrassed that I know all these broads. Ahh, who am I kidding, let’s get going on this here list. Now remember, this is the list according to InTouch Weekly.. Not us. But we have plenty to say.

1. Jessica Simpson

Yep, the top titty goes to Jessica Simpson. Wouldn’t have been my choice, but I can live with it.

After all, even her pops said that her ridiculous J’s were top notch.

Now you know you’ve got some serious tittay when pops is peeping them on the slide.

2. Tyra Banks

Say what? Now I know Tyra’s got giant J’s, but does she really belong inside the top three of ALL the breast tah sis in Hollywood?

Sure, her fundamentals are sound and she used to have the rest of the body to go with it. But this is a current J list, not a historical retrospective. The classic Janet song “What Have You Done For Me Lately” seems to come to mind. Answer?

Not enough. Not even close.

3. Scarlett Johansson

Ummmm, HELL YES!!! I’m not sure how it’s possible, but I think this chick is underrated across the board. Maybe it’s the lack of a nude photo shoot and sex tape. Hopefully someone can remedy that. But on the boobs front, she’s LOVELY.

Gotta run that one more gin.

4. Carmen Electra

Huh? Is she even in show business anymore? Why not Pamela Anderson? Hell, Loni Anderson.

And maybe it’s just me, but shouldn’t there be a reasonable expectation that the boobs are actually real if you’re going to call them the 4th best set in all of Hollywood? At least pic a chick with a debate, like Kimmy K…. With Carmen, she’ll tell you her joints are fake. Nah, I can’t support that.

5. Lindsay Lohan

Again, anyone who knows this blog understands my affection for Lindsay Lohan.

She’s one of my favorite celebs and yes, those ridiculous J’s have something to do with it.

On the J front, Lindsay has it all and we’ve seen it all.

You can’t hate, not on this discussion. Definitely underrated and waaaaay under appreciated. Her breasts I mean…lol.

6. Katherine Heigl

I recognize that this near no talent chick would be nothing without the superior boobs, but I just don’t like this broad.

That’s right, I don’t like her, can’t stand that character “Izzy” or whatever it is on Grey’s Anatomy and just can’t get past all the bullshit, yes, even for a pair of advanced J’s like those.

She doesn’t even make my list. Terrible. Though she does look reaaaaaally good in this next pic.

Mercy!

7. Audrina Patridge

Whaaat? You don’t mean to tell me we all feel for that completely transparent “I did some nudes back in the day and now they will be released the day before my show so please make me a star” treatment?

You bet we did. And please note how much she has truly stepped up that belly game. Wow. This babe is everywhere right now. If she had a shred of talent she’d really have something too. Though, I must say, having the nude pictures of her to refer back to whenever I see her looking right in a magazine or online is a nice luxury.

8. Jennifer Aniston

Come on now. Jennifer aint been hot since Ross was hittin’. Again, just too old, too romantic comedy. It’s just not right. Sure she’s got some J’s (NSFW), she wouldn’t be in the business if she didn’t.

But come on. She does not have some of the best tits in all of Hollywood. But these NSFW of Aniston are worth a peep. Half the time she doesn’t even have the best tits in her own relationship. She’s literally not in the same conversation with these other babes. Horrible.

9. Megan Fox

Ah, I don’t buy it. This seems very political. I do like that she stands for the fact that a chick doesn’t have to have monster boobs for them to be sexy, but this chick is not a top flight titty talent.

I mean, come on. She doesn’t have the chops and never will until she orders that full upgrade. Right? She’s got average J’s just for a regular girl, but in Hollywood, she’s squarely below average. Hell, most of the regular women walk around with better ones than that. Not even close.

10. Beyonce

Huh? Did I miss something? I don’t know, maybe B’s tittays wrote the lyrics to “Upgrade”…wait no, that was Jay Z. Curses. I hate to do this because I like Beyonce a lot. But she has no damn business on this list.

I think she’s beautiful, but if you forced me to diss her, right after I spoke on that assortment of unacceptable weaves, I’d go right to the breasts. I mean, she’s keeping it real and natural as she should and she looks damn good chest and all.

So there you have it. Are you satisfied? I’m not. I mean, where was Kim Kardashian, Halle Berry, JESSICA BIEL, hell, Mel B., Gisele….I mean, the list goes on and on. Sorry, I can’t endorse this list period. Let me give you my list.

1. Lindsay Lohan

2. Scarlett Johansson

3. Jessica Simpson

4. Kim Kardashian

5. Salma Hayek

6. Jessica Biel

7. Katherine Heigl (what can I say, that pic is still in my head)

8. Halle Berry

9. Mel B.

10. Audrina Patridge (hey, she’s already been mentioned, what could I do?)

Honorable mention: Serena Williams (don’t sleep)

Then I have to add a section for best fake boobs in the business. Christina Aguilera, Britney Spears, Tila Tequila, Pam Anderson and Heidi Montage.

Damn, after all that, even I’ve grown tired of tittays. I must be getting really old.

– Lake

Love Letter to Jessica Simpson

April 4, 2008

Jess-Jess,

I know you just got out of the hospital with that “kidney infection“, and I just want to say I’m sorry baby. You told me. You told me you’d never been with a black man before. You told me that Tony Romo only goes deep on the football field. I should have paid attention. You are a lot shorter than you look on TV, I didn’t know I’d rearrange your internal organs.

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This is how I’ll always remember you sugarbear.

You came by the crib, I threw on the Jodeci, lit the finest candles, lit my old school incense, broke out the essential oils that I bought from the brother next to the train station…I think it was “Black Love”, and went to work. Hey, I don’t know what was going on with Nick Lachey but brothers don’t get into all that wild stuff. Look, I’ve kept the ladies in my life happy with three positions: Hit it. Hit it from the back. And hit it hard from the back. Haaaaa. My bad, I didn’t mean to laugh Jessie, I know you’re still in pain. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying it’s your fault baby, but I’d never done a reverse cowgirl Abraham Lincoln double blumpkin donkey punch wheelbarrow before.  But that’s what you like…so I was down.

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Now I know, the knees stay below the hips. My bad.

The whole kidney infection was a great cover up. It will be our little secret.

Love,

– Brock

P.S. Tell T.O. to stop calling me. I know it’s unfurr. I know Romo is his teammate. That Romo is his quarterback. Just stop.