Keeping it Simple: UvT Loves Lohan’s….Eyes

After that heart breaking post about those God awful VMAs, it touches my heart to show you all something I do like.  Lindsay Lohan.

The all natural woman is unbeatable.  And the best thing about the natural woman, you can dress her up in a bunch of different outfits and it’s like Christmas morning errytime.

Lindsay is great.

– Lake

—————–UPDATE——————-

The interns have been working all morning to bring the “hard evidence” the people demand on Lindsay.  Lindsay has tried a lot of things, posing nude, allegedly appearing in a sex tape, rehab, and now she’s one of them girls who likes them girls.

Here’s my question.  When you cross it over, why do you go for the chick who looks like a dude?  I never understand that.  You know my position on vegetarians eating soy hot dogs, this seems like the same thing.  And by the same thing I mean it ain’t right.  Look, I’m all for it, in fact the Lindsay Lohan lesbian sex tape might be an all time best seller.  I thing her lady is down for it.  She even checks her out like a dude.

First she checks the thickness…

Then she peeps the J game…

At least Samantha Ronson appreciates the same things we appreciate and isn’t talking about Lindsay’s “inner spirit” and “willingness to share herself”.  I don’t need that.

You know what?  I’m glad.  I don’t care what Lindsay’s motivation is, as long as she never goes back to looking like this:

That wasn’t good for anyone.  Oh, and as far as that hard evidence is concerned, Lake doesn’t have the sex tape (yet).  But here is the best we can do.

I have to be honest though.  That is not going to stop Lake.  In fact, I think we just made him worse.  Now instead of just thinking he can pull Lindsay, he now thinks the threesome is a full on possibility.

Top Ten Hollywood Breasts List…YES!

Hey, I didn’t come up with this list but I’m happy to discuss it. You know, as I look down at this InTouch Weekly “Best Hollywood Tits” list, I’m actually kind of embarrassed that I know all these broads. Ahh, who am I kidding, let’s get going on this here list. Now remember, this is the list according to InTouch Weekly.. Not us. But we have plenty to say.

1. Jessica Simpson

Yep, the top titty goes to Jessica Simpson. Wouldn’t have been my choice, but I can live with it.

After all, even her pops said that her ridiculous J’s were top notch.

Now you know you’ve got some serious tittay when pops is peeping them on the slide.

2. Tyra Banks

Say what? Now I know Tyra’s got giant J’s, but does she really belong inside the top three of ALL the breast tah sis in Hollywood?

Sure, her fundamentals are sound and she used to have the rest of the body to go with it. But this is a current J list, not a historical retrospective. The classic Janet song “What Have You Done For Me Lately” seems to come to mind. Answer?

Not enough. Not even close.

3. Scarlett Johansson

Ummmm, HELL YES!!! I’m not sure how it’s possible, but I think this chick is underrated across the board. Maybe it’s the lack of a nude photo shoot and sex tape. Hopefully someone can remedy that. But on the boobs front, she’s LOVELY.

Gotta run that one more gin.

4. Carmen Electra

Huh? Is she even in show business anymore? Why not Pamela Anderson? Hell, Loni Anderson.

And maybe it’s just me, but shouldn’t there be a reasonable expectation that the boobs are actually real if you’re going to call them the 4th best set in all of Hollywood? At least pic a chick with a debate, like Kimmy K…. With Carmen, she’ll tell you her joints are fake. Nah, I can’t support that.

5. Lindsay Lohan

Again, anyone who knows this blog understands my affection for Lindsay Lohan.

She’s one of my favorite celebs and yes, those ridiculous J’s have something to do with it.

On the J front, Lindsay has it all and we’ve seen it all.

You can’t hate, not on this discussion. Definitely underrated and waaaaay under appreciated. Her breasts I mean…lol.

6. Katherine Heigl

I recognize that this near no talent chick would be nothing without the superior boobs, but I just don’t like this broad.

That’s right, I don’t like her, can’t stand that character “Izzy” or whatever it is on Grey’s Anatomy and just can’t get past all the bullshit, yes, even for a pair of advanced J’s like those.

She doesn’t even make my list. Terrible. Though she does look reaaaaaally good in this next pic.

Mercy!

7. Audrina Patridge

Whaaat? You don’t mean to tell me we all feel for that completely transparent “I did some nudes back in the day and now they will be released the day before my show so please make me a star” treatment?

You bet we did. And please note how much she has truly stepped up that belly game. Wow. This babe is everywhere right now. If she had a shred of talent she’d really have something too. Though, I must say, having the nude pictures of her to refer back to whenever I see her looking right in a magazine or online is a nice luxury.

8. Jennifer Aniston

Come on now. Jennifer aint been hot since Ross was hittin’. Again, just too old, too romantic comedy. It’s just not right. Sure she’s got some J’s (NSFW), she wouldn’t be in the business if she didn’t.

But come on. She does not have some of the best tits in all of Hollywood. But these NSFW of Aniston are worth a peep. Half the time she doesn’t even have the best tits in her own relationship. She’s literally not in the same conversation with these other babes. Horrible.

9. Megan Fox

Ah, I don’t buy it. This seems very political. I do like that she stands for the fact that a chick doesn’t have to have monster boobs for them to be sexy, but this chick is not a top flight titty talent.

I mean, come on. She doesn’t have the chops and never will until she orders that full upgrade. Right? She’s got average J’s just for a regular girl, but in Hollywood, she’s squarely below average. Hell, most of the regular women walk around with better ones than that. Not even close.

10. Beyonce

Huh? Did I miss something? I don’t know, maybe B’s tittays wrote the lyrics to “Upgrade”…wait no, that was Jay Z. Curses. I hate to do this because I like Beyonce a lot. But she has no damn business on this list.

I think she’s beautiful, but if you forced me to diss her, right after I spoke on that assortment of unacceptable weaves, I’d go right to the breasts. I mean, she’s keeping it real and natural as she should and she looks damn good chest and all.

So there you have it. Are you satisfied? I’m not. I mean, where was Kim Kardashian, Halle Berry, JESSICA BIEL, hell, Mel B., Gisele….I mean, the list goes on and on. Sorry, I can’t endorse this list period. Let me give you my list.

1. Lindsay Lohan

2. Scarlett Johansson

3. Jessica Simpson

4. Kim Kardashian

5. Salma Hayek

6. Jessica Biel

7. Katherine Heigl (what can I say, that pic is still in my head)

8. Halle Berry

9. Mel B.

10. Audrina Patridge (hey, she’s already been mentioned, what could I do?)

Honorable mention: Serena Williams (don’t sleep)

Then I have to add a section for best fake boobs in the business. Christina Aguilera, Britney Spears, Tila Tequila, Pam Anderson and Heidi Montage.

Damn, after all that, even I’ve grown tired of tittays. I must be getting really old.

– Lake

Is Lindsay Lohan thick or not?

You probably remember that I referred to Lindsay Lohan as a “Thick White Woman” oh about three weeks back and immediately the boo birds came out complaining. Well, we huddled up in here at Castle Greyskull aka UvT headquarters, put it in the lab and came up with this finding:

After further review of dat azz and dem thighs, the call on the blog has been REVERSED as Ms. Lohan does NOT, I repeat, does NOT have the requisite thickness to be deemed a ‘Thick White Woman’ .

It’s ok Linds, I was shocked too. Here’s why you got dinged though:

Damn, now I know how Randy Jackson really feels when he gets that bad song choice or maybe just ok for him kind of effort.

Quite frankly, I expected better. But unfortunately, this type of side angle with the black tights never lies. For all the kids at home, drugs lie, this angle doesn’t. It simply tells the entire tragic story. See, with a standard issue thick, semi thick or even surprisingly strong chick, these wild leggings would truly set the party off with a bang and you’d see it starting at the middle calf. This shot just leaves us wondering “where the fuck it baybay and why didn’t she take her kids with her,” ya know? Intern, give me a blow up on Camera 2.

Yeah, oh, well, see that’s what I’m talking about. Sure, there’s a little punchiness there on the backflex, but that’s not enough thunder to get you to that next level. In fact, she’s not even making it precipitate here, while I’m looking for her to make it thunderstorm. And while the world needs sun, Lake needs fun, so this just aint gonna cut it. So it’s official, I renounce dat ass and relegate it to the land of pancakes, flapjacks and Rihanna on most days and nights.

Hard for me to admit it, but I still have high hopes for her better half. Oh yes, that’s right, on the same investigative inquiry, her breasts were found to be everything we and Dennis Green thought they were: Stupendous.

Thus, they’ll keep their rating of “Utterly Stupid” until she has to get them recertified in 12 weeks time.

Anyway, it’s settled now. You haters errr keen observers win this one. Lindsay’s arse does not warrant the “thick” moniker and will not be referred to as such no mo’. And just so we all understand, THIS is a thick white woman.

No need to lay it on too strong, but I just had to quickly illustrate the point. I’m still a Lindsay fan, but it’s getting harder and harder to call her UvT quality. I don’t know. She’s going to have to work hard for me in the balance of 2008. Summer is coming so I’m confident that she’ll lace me with some new top down chrome spinning joints or maybe a sex tape for my birthday? We’ll see.

-Lake

Now See This Is Why I Love Lindsay Lohan

Because even when she’s terrible (even I can admit that her face looks like a mask below), you can still find what you want.

Lordy… Those sunglasses may be smart but those breasts are stupid.  I know some of yall told me she wasn’t thick the last time I talked about it and maybe that’s true. But isn’t only partially true? I’m seeing plenty of thickness right chere.

I don’t k now about yall, well maybe it’s just me, but I start at the hip where that shirt ends and the tights start. Then I take it to the waist piece, then, well, that’s when that stellar waist to J ratio kicks in. I know, I know, her face looks about as off key as a Bulgarian Idol first rounder, believe me, I know.

Linds without “the look” in her eye.. I like it.

– Lake

Lindsay Lohan’s Sex Tape Sucks

Yeah yeah, I know I didn’t post the still shot of the alleged Lindsay Lohan sex tape when it first came out.

I took one look at that cell phone generated picture and just knew it was pretty much garbage.

Oddly enough, I also took one look at the picture and instantly knew it was authentically Lindsay. I’m not sure why. Perhaps it’s the way her weave is cascading off her head… Maybe it was the fact that this shot requires a third person in the room with a cheap ass, bootleg Razor “filming” the action, another hallmark, in my experience, of Ms. Lo-han. Anyway, it just looks like her. Concavely bent over, getting after it… We all know Lindsay’s a freak. And while I’ll admit that she isn’t think, she’s still pretty classy…..if you compare her to Ashley Alexandra Dupre.

Sex tape gods, bring me something better… I don’t work like this. Oh and here’s the NSFW barely visible real deal shot of Lindsay’s alleged mic check. Next.

– Lake

Thick white woman alert: Lindsay Lohan!!!!

If there was any question whether Lindsay Lohan was UvT quality, there isn’t anymore. Look at her homage to Marilyn Monroe in Playboy errrr the New York Magazine.

“Click, click, HELLOOOOOOOO!!!!” (shameless, They Know reference)

Dude, this babe is really killing me right about now. Brock and I debated long and hard about the NSFW pictures in this group. While I want to post them dead up because I really don’t give a f*ck, I must show respeck to our readers at work who don’t want their boss rolling up on them with Lindsay Lohan’s J game suddenly overpowering whatever inane request they have of you. So we’ll link the more aggressive ones below, with the see through joints retained for their ahem artistic integrity. You know Lake loves art.

Ummmm, since when did Lindsay roll down to her local KFC and order up all that thigh?!?! Jesus! She looks thick as shit in this fucking shot. Yo, I’m losing it over here… It’s like Mike Tyson said, “she’s just ferocious, she wants your heart, she wants to eat your children, praise be to Allah!!!!”

Now see, Lake likes to keep it classy and if nothing else, this little Kappa curtain she’s got going is classy.. ha At any rate, there is a fine line to walk between white girl thick and doughy fat, but baby girl is nailing the thickness. More art!!!!

Oh yessss. Now this piece truly inspired me and lord knows it’s one of my favorites in this collections. I’m not one for the whole concept of a chick being “sexy” but this babe just is. I mean, for real, she looks fantastic in these shots. I call this one:

“Useless Shower Curtain with Ridiculously enticing Breast Plate ‘pon Freckled and Speckled Thigh Piece.”

I want royalties. Look at the position of her hands. Look at the passion in her face, oh she knows her angles… I mean, the way she opens up and gives us this dead center and shows us the breasts Aubrey O’Day asked for when she got her cans enhanced, it’s just masterful. Brings a tear to my eye… or is that the weed smoke from my intern’s office? I can’t tell. Next.

Ohh yeesssss. This one is indeed a doozy. the slight shoulder lean to the right gives us perspective on that J to stomach ratio we all love so much. Hey, this just in, she’s stacked!!! Looks like Grey Goose and a splash of Cranberry with two perfect tittays floating inside (the perfect drank actually). The mini boy shorts smack of a cheap times of yore, with draped fabric reminiscent of my Valentines Day packages I sent out to the millions and millions of Lake ladies out there.

I love it, all of it. And though I lacked the requisite heart to post up the fully nude joints. They are linked her for your attention and consumption. I love Lindsay Lohan. Clearly rehab does a body good.

Lindsay Lohan Nude Shots Not Safe For Work (Click HERE).

Enjoy,

Lake

It’s official: Lindsay Lohan loves sex

UPDATE:  Check out the Nude shot of Lindsay right HERE!!! 

And sex loves her…

Like an ungrateful boyfriend who doesn’t tell his lady how much he cares for her, doesn’t open the door or even comment on how good that Christmas goose tasted, I must apologize to a lady that means a lot to me….Lindsay Lohan. I freaking love this chick! End of the day, she’s just a hype babe visually.

Yeah, I know, she’s not that hot, right? Think again. You need only look at Lindsay next to a regular chick, like say, Rumer Willis below and then you see that she’s got special talent in the looks area.

Then you just gotta ask yourself, who did more for Cocaine in 2007 than Linds?

I mean babe checked into rehab about four times, she had that hot mug shot where she’s clearly blasted out of her fucking mind, and she’s even got those bathroom pics where she’s tooting the Bolivian Marching Powder with a fellow space cadet.

Hey, anyone who has spent as much time in nightclubs as I have understands the integral place scandalous hoes like Lindsay play in that scene. I think we should salute her and the White Horse all together for their many contributions to the party scene both personally and with the example they set for our young, supple over 21 years of age youth about America at large.

Anyway, now comes word that Lindsay not only looks the part, oh and thank you for the nipple slips (NSFW) and baby maker (NSFW) exposure, but she’s the real article. Indeed, when she’s not nipple slipping HERE or word is out that Linds is a certified FREAK!!! I guess she had some 2 week long “boyfriend” in rehab named Riley Giles and homey gave the goods on Lin-Lo:

“Lindsay’s definitely a nymphomaniac. She’s wild in bed. We’d have sex a couple of times in the day and then go to it through the night. We once did it four times in a row straight. That was crazy. Lindsay was insatiable. She’d demand sex again and again. We’d go at it for hours. She’d have worn out most guys.

The first time we had sex I couldn’t believe I was looking down at Lindsay Lohan naked. We’d barely gotten through the door when we just ripped each other’s clothes off. Lindsay is so hot. She has a great body. Her backside is fantastic, perfect, all plump and round. She has great curves but her belly is nice and flat and toned.

When you orgasm, your endorphins shoot up and it becomes a massive natural high. If you have an addictive personality like Lindsay you need that to replace the highs you got from taking drugs all the time. Sex became a key part of her recovery.”

What a great read. I could have done without that absurd, fanciful and shameless personal “dack” riding he tried to pull off with that “any other man couldn’t have satisfied”—-AHHHHNT, Nilla Pleez. You aren’t hype. If you were, you wouldn’t be giving the goods on ole girl right before you slithered your punk ass back into whatever sewer you came out of. Oh and nice mug shot.

And in case you didn’t take that story as true or if you didn’t necessarily believe that story constituted certified Noelia “that’s the way I like it” status, then peep this new report that Linds banged out 3 Italian dudes in under 24 hours. Haa haaa, reminds me of a female version of Lake from back in my younger years… Only, look at the mugs on the slugs she allegedly got cut up by, slump busting Linds?

Yeah meng, I own know about Lindsay’s choice in dudes. Then again, that’s even better for the rest of the men out there who haven’t hit Lindsay off yet. Now basically any cat who isn’t terrible has a chance to meet this chick in Vegas one weekend, hook up the booger sugar and then rock out with his cock out in the hotel suite with a certified B-Lister. Hmmmm JFK to Vegas for this weekend on JetBlue is a clean $438. I could do it.

– Lake

You ready B?

I’m not much of a crotch shot guy. You won’t see the south of Paris or Britney’s open-faced roast beef sandwhich or even Lindsay’s fire starter on this blog. It’s just not where it’s at. It’s not who we are. With that said, if she wants to keep her naked ass off this blog, Beyonce is going to have to learn to keep her damn clothes on (not that I’m complaining).

Big girls gone good. This is an aside, but we all know that big chick with the cute face and the solid core body frame that just needs to lose a clean 25-38 pounds to live gloriously. Well, B is that chick. She’s done it. Look at that perfect melding of the strong, fit core with the thick laid over the top perfectly. Pretty impressive. Back to what I was saying, young B has had a rash of illicit body part sightings. First it was the NSFW, ‘ready when you are B’, dip it low, pick it up slow, baby maker faux pas. Now this:

My bad, I meant, this:

Hey, you gotta respect the au natural J game, but why can’t we apply those same principles to that wig piece? She’s gotta have enough under there to just kick it on vacay, no? What about this joint?

I own, know, whoever that little rug rat is Jay seems to be enjoying his company thoroughly (more even than the company of that exposed nipple-breast combo he’s got to his immediate right), but B doesn’t seem to share his enthusiasm. If I had to put my money down, I’d say we’re looking at the back of Joseph Camel Jr. Jr.?

Probably. Much respect to the first family of hip hop though. Now hurry up and get that marriage done so my man Brock can run the over-under numbers on the divorce date.

– Hatin’ Lake (why must I hate on these two?)

Lindsay been hanging with Al Gore III?

Dude, usually we leave the Lindsay thing to Perezhilton.com and such, but I just had to comment on this. Not so much because Lindsay is again drinking, chasing middle aged women in parking lots on a suspended license and tooting the white horse like her name was Mrs. Al Gore III. I mean, all that is great but what’s being lost here is that Lohan actually looks pretty good often times. Maybe that’s obvious to some of you, but something about this coked out mug shot just got me excited. What do you think, Lake n Lindsay? We both love to party. We both want her to drink, stay snortin’ that coca and stay sittin ’round with her breasts and arse exposed. Peep some of these shots we ran across this morning in our production meeting. Gotta like it.

Indeed, very attractive. Just what you want to see. Vacant eyes, Js sittin on dubbs, lips… ok, I’ll just stop there. Next.

(that slim white woman tail is tucked in just right)

Now see, this isn’t something I’d usually do, namely jack a pick from this site,but it illustrates that slim white woman arse. Something we haven’t talked about much here at UvT. It’s not my cup of tea generally, but I must admit that it looks pretty decent in this pick. Man, it brings a tear to my eye.. I was raised on this tail and many like it. A vanilla brother is getting nostalgic.

Sorry Brock.. If this is out of line, just go ahead and suspend me ala Michael Vick/Roger Goodell.

———————————————-

Damn Lake! You trying to get me caught riding dirty? You know the man don’t like a brother like me looking at one of his main ladies. Yeah man, I’m going to have to shut you down for the night.

-Brock