Archive for the ‘American Idol’ Category

American Idol Has A New Host. Uh Oh.

August 27, 2008

I have to admit.  I didn’t get with the last season of American Idol.  It is really all beginning to run together to me.  Especially since they don’t seem to be star makers anymore.  There aren’t any Kelly Clarksons or Carrie Underwoods out there.  Daughtry did his thing, but he wasn’t even a finalist.  I’ll say it, you can’t let the American People actually choose a star.  They aren’t smart enough to know what they actually want.  Honestly, the truth of the matter is I don’t actually believe they let the American people choose the winners anyway.  Anyway, they just announced that AI will be rocking a fourth judge this year.  Kara DioGuardi.

So what does everyone think.  Is she going to be niceCool?  Or mean?  Come on, there are only three prototype personalities on these shows.  OK, you can add crazy to the mix.  She’s got to be one.  I just hope she has her own opinion.  Paula doesn’t make up her own mind without Randy, that is why they never let her go first.  I guess this woman has handled the careers of several of the idols, so she knows what she’s looking for.  I’ll tell you this though…just looking at the pictures, she looks like a younger fresher version of Paula to me.

Maybe just younger.  Looks like more of what Paula is serving up here.  I actually can’t wait to see the first, no talent, fame baiting, can’t sing, crazy dressing, loser look Kara dead in the face and say “who the hell are you?”

Well Kara, you better watch your back.  If Paula ever mentions the fact that she couldn’t get her meds refilled while she was on the road…

She’ll cut your ass.  You can’t just jump on the gravy train once it’s rollin.  It sounds like about 33% too much commentary to me.  Let’s have 33% more losers looking for their 15 minutes of fame.  And bring back the real shit talking too, American Idol has gotten too soft.  Oh well, you’ve got to tweak it somehow.  This show jumped the shark when they let this dude win.

That was the beginning of the end right there.


Bulgarian Idol is still better than American Idol

March 21, 2008

These Bulgarian cats are hilarious. Look at this cat getting his MJ on.

I don’t know what’s worse, this dude’s singing, dancing and overall version of MJ inspired English or the fact that the entire audience was clapping off beat.


Unfortunately, Randy didn’t get that at all, it wasn’t really good for him and he wasn’t feeling that outfit either. You know who else didn’t get it, my little brother, Chord.



– Lake

American Idol kinda sucks this year, Bulgarian Idol though?

March 20, 2008

This joint is right.

By the way, did you guys peep that Bulgarian Paula? Dammit, I didn’t know the Eastern Block could bring it like that.

– Lake

American Idol’s Gay Stripper Scandal

March 5, 2008

Here is a real conversation earlier today at Us Versus Them headquarters.

Brock: Did you hear that the Hispanic cat on American Idol was a stripper in a gay male strip club?

Lake: Nooooooo. The little guy with the lipstick?


B: Nah, not him…the other dude. Taller guy.

L: Ohhhhh, true. The crazy flamboyant cat who talks all that shit and gyrates all over the stage?


B: Good guess. But nah, not him either. The other…seemingly gay, Hispanic cat.

L: Who?

B: (*getting my Google search on*) uhhhhhhhhhhh, David Hernandez.


L: Who?

B: You ain’t lied. I didn’t know who the hell he is either.

Shoulda known. Ol’ D. Hernandez is rocking the stripper pose in that damn picture. Hell, all three of them look like they are breaking out the stripper moves.

And no David, we don’t want to hear any parts of your “I worked in a gay club, but I’m not gay” argument. If you get butt naked for men stuffing cash in your g-string that is gay.


That no shirt, bowtie combo you are rocking right now is gay. Sitting next to those two drag queens is gay. The way you’re holding that beer is gay. This picture coming up:


It’s gay. Lord Jesus…We aint seen cuts in a garment like that since, well, Nathaniel Golden, Jr. David, I hate to do this to you, but you knew it was coming:


There, I said it.

I know, I know at first you were just working behind the bar with no shirt on and before you knew it you were ahem “sliding down a pole” while “What is Love” by Haddaway pumped over the sound system.

Don’t hurt me…no mo.




Dude, as if this couldn’t get any worse, I just read that this cat still claims that he’s straight and used to work at this strip club…


It was called ahem “Dick’s Cabaret”.. Haa Lordy! And the owner didn’t let David off easy, he remembered the boy as a good earner (low!).




According to a report by the Associated Press, David Hernandez appeared fully nude and performed lap dances for the club’s “mostly male” clientele, club manager Gordy Bryan told the news wire service. “He had the look and the type that people like, so he made pretty good money here,” Bryan said. Bryan claims Hernandez – who hails from Glendale, Arizona – worked at the strip club, Dick’s Cabaret, for three years until the end of September 2007.

Jeez.. I was much happier and more comfortable when American Idol Scandals looked like this:


What is the world coming to?

– Lake

American Idol Sex Tape: Jessica Sierra

February 21, 2008

Aaaahhhhh, American Idol Season. Sure, you get the basics, the people who can’t sing, the obligatory swishy black males, and the cut down to the top 24. That isn’t my favorite part. I love the AI scandal. You know, the ex-cons, the crazies, the scandalous my space pages. Well, now an American Idol, Season 4 Alum has taken it to the next level.


Jessica Sierra has a completely NSFW sex tape that has hit the net. You know our policy, we haven’t watched it. We don’t think you should watch it. If you are at work, you shouldn’t even let your mouse hover anywhere near the following link. Seriously, don’t click HERE. I hear the young lady displays a full range of “skills” and may just think she’s an actual pornstar….she certainly “finishes” like one…I hear…I haven’t seen it myself.

– Brock errr Lake

American Idol’s Obsession With the Gay Black Man

January 24, 2008

I was just talking to Lake this morning in our production meeting about last night’s American Idol. His comment was how happy he was that they finally had some comedy. Then I had to bring up something that has been bothering me since Season 1, “boy, American Idol brings out the gay black man like no other.” Too true. What’s with American Idol’s obsession with gay black men? What is the gay black man’s obsession with American Idol? The most recent over the top gay black man that nobody actually says is full on gay, but who clearly is and also, clearly WON’T advance to the next round because of it is this clown, Jeffery Lampkin.


Let’s just set aside that horrible tie that’s on his head, the fact that he looks like a swollen Ruben Studdard and probably has the worst case of hyperpigmentation (real condition) this side of this dude. I mean, check out this cat’s act on last night’s show.

Lord Jesus, and they rewarded that act with a golden ticket? TWO golden tickets?! Nah, they just didn’t know how truly terrible that cat is. I do appreciate the fact that once he figured out he may have a legit chance at Hollywood he actually took that stupid tie off. Look, you don’t roll around looking like that, with that kind of perverse swagger and that ridiculous gear with that California Raisin looking dome piece without being a little crazy, delusional, fucking horrible or all three.


Well it turns out, homey IS all three. Our UvT South Carolina investigative reporting team has just informed me that back in High School, in Manning South Carolina, Jeffrey or as he liked to be called “Black Chauncey” (Lord help) was known for outing supposed straight dudes trying to get a little unsanctioned Larry Craig activity going. He even got EXPELLED from Manning High for making a audio tape of him selling his body to some unsuspecting closeted cat for a fee! I mean, how does that work? Ok, you’re a cool cat in High School, but you’ve got this secret…you’re one of those mens that likes them mens. Fair enough, so what do you do to get that jones taken care of,oh, I know, you go to the ugliest, fattest, most flamboyant and indiscreet cat this side of the cotton gin and try to get him to break you off a little for some loot cakes? And then he turns around and outs you? I think Bart Simpson said it best, Ay Caramba. Anyway, these guys don’t care because the formula works and everybody gets paid.


Whooo weee, Paula don’t hurt ’em. Damn.

Anyway, the closeted love affair American Idol has with making fun of gay black men is no secret to any Idol fan. I mean, just off the top of the dome any one of us can call out like 6 gay cats by name and then visualize another 15 or so sashaying their candy (no homo) arses out in front of the judges. Here’s a little walk down memory lane, Rule No. 1 violator style:

Remember Terrell and Derrell Brittenum aka the Idol twins?




Of course you do. That’s how fucking terrible they were. Thugged out too. Jeez, what a horrible combination. Bad enough that these cats roll like they do, but then they’re criminal in their ahem endeavors too….AND there are TWO of them?! Hell naw.

What about Nathaniel Golden Jr.? I mean, this cat is such a piece of work that we need only roll the muthafuckin tape homies.

The only thing that saves this joint is the hilarious commentary that follows. That Paula “honey you sang off key” is almost my favorite. Clearly that “Listen Nate, it just was terrible dude” still ranks as one of the best lines in all of reality tv history. Next…

What about Tony Braxton’s alleged cousin Derek Braxton. Talk about at ridiculous cat.

LOL, I never even knew that video exist. Crazy. I liked Randy’s line, “Dude, nothing about singing do you have going on.” Look at this fool’s rhetoric at the end. Geez.

And what about some of the cats who were actually decent. They may have been decent, but let’s fact it, they weren’t exactly feeling Paula’s shameless advances toward them after each song:

Anwar Robinson….


Definitely a captain in the AI scribble nation, hence this online dating profile where he asks for his ahem “man” to be slender, athletic and awww hell, I can take it. Next…

Gedeon (note the spelling) McKinney


And no, that ain’t the people’s eyebrow…It’s some combo of mascara, gel and some of that holy healing Ted Haggard used to put on a few sinners he got hold of. Remember when Simon said “I don’t know, I just don’t like your smile”….oh yes, we all knew what he was talking about.

Look, I know the performance arts have been attracting the gay black man since Leroy on Fame, but don’t let yourself get played on national TV. Oh and American Idol, I don’t appreciate the fact that you are going soft on cats this year by removing the full frontal attacks on looks, weight, and mental capacity yet you still allow the truly flamboyant to fully play themselves on national TV. The judges shit talking is actually the best part of the show. The “real competition” doesn’t get interesting until 8 weeks left which it probably sometime in mid-April. Don’t lose interest early Idol, you’re already falling out of the star making business.


American Idol: My specialty is anything that’s low

January 18, 2008

And Low this cat is. Hey, this dude is pretty indicative of the terrible talent we’ve seen on American Idol this year. And by terrible talent I mean cats who can’t sing, but also aren’t really funny.

I mean, homey started laughing in the middle. I can’t lie though, it was funny when he broke into that “I’ll Be Missing You” by Faith and P Diddy.. HAAAAA Horrible, awful. American Idol.

– Lake

Are you ready for some American Idol?

January 15, 2008

I know I am. And for all you true fans of the show, I know you’re amped that the season starts tonight:


errrrrrrrrrrrrrrr I meant:


Hey, I know the show is a little bit cat and the concept is completely played, but American Idol is my Reality TV crack and I’m ready to smoke it up most righteously in front of all you mufuckas this season!!!

Honestly, what’s not to love about American Idol? It’s reality tv at it’s finest. You get it all. Horrible cats who can’t sing, but truly believe they can like Mary Roach aka Mary Gilbeaux:

Then you have the ass clown who can’t sing at all, knows it, but just plays the game properly, gets on tv and milks the entire system for their loot cakes. Oh yes, young William Hung was laughing all the way to the bank on this one:

Hard to hate on this cat. I mean, he did have a record deal and he did get paid. Better than we can say for this clown.


Anyway, what I really love about American Idol is how they shamelessly play off stereotypes. I mean, look, the anti gay defamation league, if such an organization exists, should be all over this show. I’m not sure why, but every gay cat in every city without a shred of common sense or dignity seems to feel obligated to come on that show and act like a complete nut. My favorite example of that, of course, is my boy (not really) Nathaniel Golden of “Listen Nate, it was just terrible dude” fame. Peep his act.

How hilarious is it that this cat choose to sing “My Girl” for his song and further, that it was so fucking horrible? Perfect.

Come on now, this show is just great. Simon is great for obvious reasons, Randy is surprisingly ill and Paula is nutty as a Christmas fruit cake. Anyway, there’s just too much to talk about here. All I know is that I’ll be looking for that next American Idol internet scandal to pop off right around week 4.




Hey, it’s all the same. And yes, I still think those leaked pictures of that chick were in fact Antonella Barbara hooking up that microphone checka….hey, you decide, Not Safe For Work but found HERE. OUT.

– Lake


Damn, I forgot how bad that Antonella Barba was.   Yeah, we need more of that.  Don’t forget my favorite American Idol mugshot…Corey “Sideshow Bob” Clark.



The Return of Tay Zonday: The Get Paid Edition

December 6, 2007

Remember Tay Zonday, the Chocolate Rain guy? Well, he’s back and trying to get paid.

Shilling Chocolate Cherry Dr. Pepper, getting covered in Chocolate? That’s crazy.  At least they didn’t hit him with the chocolate 2 Girls 1 Cup style.  Whoever was behind this was tight enough to preserve the joke, unlike all those terrible tv performances that happened after the video blew up the first time.  You gotta move away from the mic to breathe!  That is the best part.  Otherwise this is just a weird dude singing with a deep voice.

Where’s that chick who posted about how deep Tay Z’s lyrics were?  About how Big Brock was just a hater and needed to see how reflective and thought provoking Tay could be.  Was that Hugh Hefner jacket Tay is rocking thought provoking enough for you?  How about all those videhos he’s surrounded by?  Tay to the Z indeed.

In reality, all this is a low budget William Hung to me.

She bangs!

You know I have no professional training…in singing.


Oh Hail Naw!

May 23, 2007

I’m not that rock n’ roll dude. I leave that to my man Lake, but I….errrrr…my lady was watching American Idol last night and I saw last seasons favorite (and best seller) Chris Daughtry hit the stage. I mean this man almost (but not quite) made me buy a rock CD and listen to some good old fashioned geee-tar. I expected this:


Reasonable cat, right? Semi-forced baldy (when you have to shave your head because the hair is leaving anyway), kept tight with his musical style, and should have beat this clown. But last night, I get this…


Is that eye shadow with eye liner? Is this cat dead inside? Did he sell his soul to go triple platinum? I mean damn homey…Last year you was the man homey…What the F*ck happened to you?