The best Bachelor ever: Brad Womack is ICY…

Aside from the fact that he’s got a brother named Chad (I never did understand that corny rhyming named twins thing) this cat Brad Womack, the Bachelor, has to go up there as one of the best reality stars ever.

For real dough, you just gotta etch his name in that Reality TV Stanley Cup right behind Flavor Flav, Dr. Will Kirby/Mike Boogie, William Hung, Chance, Nathaniel Golden, and Hoopz (of course)…in fact, let’s go ahead and run a picture of Hoopz..

More Hoopz is always good for this and any other site. And yes, I will hit you with that reverse angle.

(with no airbrush in sight or site. What, she’s got a g-string on)

Ahem, back to where I was. This cat Brad is an awesome dude. I mean, he reminds me of an older and less pimperish version of myself because homey has dry ice running through those veins. Listen, I’ve always loved the Bachelor. It’s just a good concept. One dude gets to romp with 25 women, then see about half of them in bikinis, only to kiss about 8 or so of them. Ok, so that’s cool and I always enjoyed those kind of odds in my younger years. But the greatest innovation by far has to be those “Fantasy Suite” dates where the Bachelor basically leverages sex for a rose. I mean, really making those chicas put their money maker and their mouths were that dude is.

Classic. What’s so great about it is that each one of them really go into that suite as if ole boy isn’t doing the exact same thing with 2 other chicks. I know, I know, he — no, they just have to connect on a “higher level” do figure out if it’s true love. I’m quite sure “true love” is something like what Andre 3000 described in his song A Life in the Day of Benjamin Undre:

15 love, fit like glove

description was like

15 doves in a jacuzzi catching the holy ghost

making one woozy in the head and comatose

So he hits all three chicks of course and then eliminates one. This year that decision was easy. The one chick was ridiculous and her family was even worse. She just had to go. Hit her and quit her was actually quite fitting for her punk ass.

But this cat, he hits the other two and then goes to that final rose ceremony, ring in hand, after they both tell him they love him and disses BOTH finalists.

I like how he set it up too. Insert country drawl which was half Dubyah Bush half Forrest Gump, “I jus- said goodbye to Jen-nee“. Then ole girl smiles (not too fast now). And then he just acts like he needs a shot of Dasani, followed by that “excuse me” where he jumps off the throne. Oh man..

“Eye jus caint tell you that I’m in luv wit you..and it’s the hardest thing I’ve ever had to dew”. Sure it is. Yes, ole boy ices out both chicks, a Bachelor first!!! Oh man, now if ABC will only have the vision to go with The Bachelor, this is the Remix Part Deux, Brad does it again. I know I’d be watching. And how ballsy was it for him to come with that “you know, I wouldn’t change a thing and I have no regrets” with regard to how things turned out. He knew that he iced all 25 babes out, he just didn’t care. Love it. Thanks Brad.

– Lake Womack

===========Update=============

Wow, so they have this After the Final Rose show. Boy, Brad is on the spot. Dude actually caught some boos when he came out. Ugly. Then the show’s host, Chris, reveals that he asked the show to send DeAnna’s dad out there because he was going to propose to her. So homey asks him, “why did you do that?”, answer, “Obviously I have some problems”….lol Homey, you aint got no problems. You’ve got all the right answers and all the right moves. And by the way, Jenni, the Phoenix Suns dancer is a solid thick white woman. Did I ever say that? Let’s see what the interns have for us in the way of evidence of thickness.

Hmmm, not really good enough, but I’ll take it. Again, this show should be run by UvT entertainment, then all the angles, hell, all their measurements and vital statistics would be up on screen at all times like the NFL combine or something.

Boy, this cat is just the best. He reapplied that ice to DeAnna on the wrap up show. “I’m confident in my decision from that day..” Let me translate that for you baby.. “Hit the bricks baby, I got bars to run and chicks to get at…this is what I do.”

Respek.

No, Maas: Bill gets popped with a trunk fulla sh*t!

ATTENTION:  Peep our updated post on Bill Maas’ legal trouble HERE

Former NFL player and the no nonsense Fox Sports broadcaster Bill Maas got charged with drug possession and weapons charges following a roadside safety check on Sunday in Peoria, Illinois.

(quietly, his lady looks pretty good in this mug shot, so she must be a solid looker)

The 45-year-old Maas and a passenger in his Hummer H2, Sarah Murphy, 27 (this is why I’m hot), were arrested late Friday by Illinois State Po Po’s. During the stop, police said they noticed Maas seemed nervous, but still agreed to a search of his vehicle.

“See, you know you dun fu*cked up right?” (Sorry, I gotta lace in a Menace II Society quote every now and again, keeps me regular)

Police found a .22-caliber revolver (Tank thinks you’re a beeyotch), 5 grams of the hippie lettuce, 6 grams of the white horse and 28 pills of Ecstasy.

Havin’ a partay!!!!

Maas and Murphy were charged with possession of a controlled substance and possession of marijuana. Maas was also booked on a charge of unlawful use of a weapon. Daaaaayum, very simple question to Fox, What would Roger Do (WWRD)?

If NFL teams are releasing players for bogus traffic stops by the fuzz when they’re NOT actually under the influence of drugs or alcohol (Tank, Kelly, not guil-tee), what does Fox do to a cat who is going Scarface with a young tender thing like Ms. Murphy?! I say let the turk, Roger Goodell come in and cut homey off at the knees… After all, we must have accountability, right?

It’s funny how money change a situ-a-STOP IT’S THE MUTHAF#CKIN’ REMIX!!!

Paris back to the clink! Wow.

Our exclusive U v. T reporters on the scene said they heard Paree screaming, “whyyyy, it’s not faaaaaaair” and several expletives not suitable for a high minded news organization like ours to repeat. Let’s just say that it was ugly.. Lauryn Hill said it best:

“You might win some, but you really lost one!!! What a dumb dumb”

———————-

***UPDATE***

Paris is being ordered to serve the FULL 45 day sentence, not the reduced twenty something that she was supposed to serve as of last week. I guess she will be missing Diddy’s White Party on the Hamptons as well as Brock’s 4th of July Barbeque out on my back porch. Why can’t these rich people hire drivers? Lohan gets busted for DUI and Paris violates probation with the same. Paree…you cut with a little more enthusiasm than Kimmy K, so I will offer my expert driving services once you get out.

Watch out for that phone check!

-Brock

The NBA Finals are OVER!

I didn’t see too much of the game, but I caught enough. I saw one moment in the third quarter that let me know the game, the series, and the Championship were over.

Tim Duncan smiled. And he didit more than once.

For reference, here is exhibit #1:

This dude has a Championship in one had and the MVP award in the other, and he looks like Will Smith trying to figure out which was better: “Wild Wild West” or his “Code Red” album.

My bad Will, I know this isn’t about you. Collateral damage, what can I say?

Back to Timmy Time, I mean this cat has one of the icyest grills in history. Here is the exclusive Us Versus Them Sports Interview with Bruce Bowen:

Brock: “Bruce, The Spurs have had incredible success over the last few years. Tim is on the verge of his fourth title in eight seasons. What is wrong with that cat?”

Bruce: “F#*k if I know dog.”

I didn’t want to jump to any conclusions so I went to the UvT archives so I could see the “Nastiest Ice Grills” in recent history. Here is a brief retrospective:

Mo Clarrett: That is one icey grill, but to be fair, he was on his way to jail instead of on his way to NFL practice after blowing his talent and career. So he was probably actually mad.

Condi Rice: She looks pretty mad too. But I expect her to have a Marion Barry “Bitch set me up” moment long ’bout February 2009.

So Timmy D, cheer up. The Spurs will do a better job than the Pistons of keeping “Boobie” in check and you will get your fourth championship in five games on Father’s Day.

-Brock