Quote of the Day

“I don’t write shit ’cause I ain’t got time”

-Lil Wayne…and Lake’s bullshittin’ ass

Lake Just Got a New Car

HAAAAAAAAAA.

-Brock

That’s Just Nasty

Lake just hit me up from the road and here is an exact transcript of our conversation.

Lake: Hold on man, let me order this food.

Me: Where are you?

L: Boston market.

Me: Drive thru?

L: Yup.

(pause)

Me: Yo, aren’t you driving?  How the hell are you going to eat Boston Market in the car?  That is a two handed meal right there.

Lake: I got a system.

(pause…longer this time)

Me: What kind of system can you possibly have? (I’m imagining this cat using the fork and knife like chopsticks, or cutting all the food up in the parking lot so he can eat it as he rolled, or worst case scenario just going one handed barbarian style.)

L: I get the carver (the sandwich) and a side of creamed spinach.  Between the dip and the scoop, I make it happen.

Come on meng.  That’s some white boy shit right there.  You still my nilla though.

-Brock

Ok, enough with the preggers pictures already!

I find myself posting on the most random topics lately, but I guess I’m the only cat out here who is shocked and appalled by all these Z-list star and their pregnant pictures.

Ok, I can see why the public would want to see JLo and Rico Suave loving the idea of their new babies, I’m with that. As long as the stomach piece is draped, I mean I’m not all for it, but it’s ok for me. I can accept it. What I cannot accept are these bare stomached pictures of these women, particularly when they’re untouched by the airbrush gods:

Arrrrgh! Is there anybody in this world, besides those sexually defiant freaks, who finds that even mildly attractive? It’s not a celebration of spawning motherhood, it’s a chick with an exposed gut!

You don’t see dudes posing with the gut exposed, all doughy and veined-up, so why should these women? It’s not a celebration of new life/motherhood, it’s a reason to hurl. And wipe that satisfied look off your face.

I don’t want to hear about how much you’re loving your “new body”… I mean, come on. Even if that were true, and it’s not, I truly could not care less. Who eats this shit up aside from crazed, first-time preggerz women that are trying to calm their nerves?

I can’t take it. And the shots are always accompanied with some bullshit statement too. Tori Spelling mused:

“So far I’ve gained 25 pounds and am loving my body! I’m eating whatever my body tells me it needs and wants. And now I know that it is possible to get back your body with diet and dedication.”

Doesn’t everybody eat what their body tells them? And while we’re at it, stop pulling those J’s out to bare-breast feed in public, too.

Look, if you can do it discretely, it’s all good.

And why is it that there are some women who can seamlessly pull off the discrete feeding, while others gotta let everybody know that the restaurant is suddenly serving Titay with that Egg Beater Omelet at Brunch?

When I said I wanted to see tits on toast, that’s not what I was talking about, ok? If I’m getting my delicious Brioche French Toast on, the last thing I want to see in my field of vision is a set of titties that I can’t look at (and isn’t that really the problem?). Now all of a sudden, I’m looking away, fucking up my morning. Nah, take your candy ass out of here or leave that kid at home. It’s very simple. Your kid, that belly, those exposed J’s, all of it is about you and NOT me. I don’t care about you, that kid or your joy in motherhood. In fact, I’m becoming increasingly hostile to it.

Friends?

– Lake

This dude is the Anti-Lake

There aint much about me and this dude that’s similar. Though I must admit that this is mildly entertaining. Peep it:

And here’s the sequel.

Oh well, we can’t all dominate and be great and you can’t all rock this coat like me neither.

Aint nothing normal everyday or regular about that.

– Lake

——————-UPDATE——————

I know you like your full length fur coats.  I just want to see how long you wear them now that it is starting to get warm outside here at UvT HQ.  How will you keep it pimpin this summer?

Forget Jazz Hands, I present: Lake’s Hands

Oh yeah, just one of my many talents. What can I say. I feel it’s just the responsibility of the cool white dude to set things out like this. Enjoy.

And den what?

– Lake

News Flash: Don’t Try To Scare Black People

I was talking to my nilla Lake, and you know that dude thinks he’s funny.  He always wants to talk some shit, run some pranks on the interns, you know hot sauce here, cup of water to the dome there.  I just let him know not to mess with me.  Black people are predisposed to not get down with that BS.  I believe the condition is called “Osomebody Duntoldjawrong”.  Anyway he didn’t know what I was talking about so I had the new intern Paul Hussien Feinberg pull a few clips for me.

The first one is a Halloween clip.  Let’s call it “Whoop That Trick…or treat”:

You can see the direct comparison.  The white people are scared out of their mind.  The brother straight drops that fool.

Here’s another one.  Let’s call it “Naaaaaaaah Mang”

I love the way that dude in the trash can just gets mushed and that trashcan lid just drops right back down on his ass.

In other news, never throw a black woman in a pool.  She will get her hair wet and whoop your ass.  That is some white people shit for real.

-Brock

Can Someone Come Get Lake’s Little Sister?

Lake,

We need to talk.  I know you like kicking it with the brothers.  I know you’ve grown to like fat asses, appreciate the thick white woman, and enjoy the hip-hop music.  This is important.  We’ve got more than 2.5 Million hits, you are a role model now.  But I’m not talking about the loyal UvT readers.  I’m talking about your little sister…Jane Arlington.

When was the last time you saw Jane?  Have you ever met ‘yo girl’ Lil’ J?  I didn’t think so.  Here was her message to a schoolyard rival:

Lake, I’ve got something to share with you.  You’re cool, it’s all good with me.  But putting on her ‘black’ voice and talking all this shit is bound to get your little sister’s ass whooped!  It is time for an intervention.  Take her webcam, shut down her myspace page, and turn on some Friends reruns, or Seinfeld, something…damn.  Thanks.

Your Boy,

-Brock

UvT Bowl 2: Lake n Bake

And the winner is Lake…my man. SPEECH

First of all I want to thank Brock,

he’s got a good squad

still Lake got it locked…Yeeeeeaaaah

LOL

Hey, my main man Brock put up a good fight, but Lake’s boys went ahead and put him away after the Eagles gave Tom Brady (Brock’s QB) and the Pats all they wanted and more Sunday night.

We came out with a good game plan, executed our plays and came away with the victory. Now, I can’t talk too much shat, because Brock has a better record than me and he’s scored more overall points than me in our Fantasy League. With that being said, it’s a boarder skirmish I’m quite sure Mr. Hardon would have liked to have won. And let’s not forget, that’s the second time Lake’s boys put that thang on Brock’s team in one year. 😉

Alas, he could not pull it out and Lake takes home the UvT trophy which is a bronzed, life sized cast of Kim Kardashian’s ass piece for my mantle.

I’ll take it.

– Lake

Where the Hell is Lake?

Damn, they don’t make White boys like they used to.

If you see him, can you send his ass back to work?

Thanks,

-Brock