Shocker: Jamaican Track Stars Are Beginning to Get Busted For Drugs

Wait, you can’t smash world records while jogging the last 15 meters in a 100 meter race, as you run sideways and order up some delicious ox tails?

Come on now.  I’m not saying all the Jamaicans were on performance enhancers, but didn’t it seem a bit odd to see so many of those cats getting their effortless Gold Medal trot on?  If it looks too good to be true, it probably is.  Today it’s some hurdlers getting busted, in 6 months it will be someone else and finally, Usain’s presently undetectable Rum Runner-HGH-Red Stripe elixir of speed will be exposed.  Ha  Dude clearly didn’t want to break that record too much, which is why he jogged the last 15 meters!!!!

I know, I know, he just works harder, plus he’s 6, 4.  Believe me, I know.  Just wait and though you heard it here first, believe me, if you paid any attention, you’ve already told yourself that something wasn’t right.  ha

– Lake

Coach K did the damn thing

I don’t have much to say about this.  All I can express is that if K had not gotten the gold, it would have been a debacle.  But guess what?

It’s lovely and I love it.  Now it’s time for those recruits to come on in so the rest of the basketball world can come and get some. Oh and by the way, what do yall think Gary Williams and those Murrland terps were doing while Kobe, LeBron and Coach K were getting that gold?

Zactly…

– Lake

Sexy Olympian of the Day: Lolo Jones

That’s right, it is time for another post with theme music.  Feel free to watch the video, but this isn’t all about the music.

This is about Lolo Jones.  First of all, I just love the name.

She also runs the hurdles. So she’s unusually in shape and flexible.  Sure, she had to gold wrapped up until the 90m when she clipped that hurdle, but Lolo, I want to know you are still all good with me.  Once you’ve recovered, call your boy Brock and I’ll help you work on through the pain.  Of course we’ll keep it on the lo lo.

Anyone not down with Lolo Jones?  Check this out.

Yeah.  Let me tell you, I don’t need anymore than that right there.  Angle 2?

Like Rick James said in my all time favorite song, Fire and Desire it was paaaaaaain be. fore. pleasuuuuuuuuuurrrrrrrrrre.  She’s giving the eyes right there.

You can’t complete the analysis without street clothes.  Now this looks like the kind of girl who makes all gear look like athletic gear.  But that thigh work is impressive.  I’d like to see some jeans here, but I’ll take it.  I don’t know why she’s getting her Beastmaster on with that squirrel, but I’ll let it slide.

As a parting shot, just to go with the theme music.

Next thing you know, shawty got lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo.

Shout to H8torade…I’d hit it.

-Brock.

Man Up Monday: Olympic Recap

While I didn’t stay up until 2:30am EST (although I guess the start time of that game could have made some sense on the west coast) when Espana had it at four at the two and a half minute mark, I thought Man Up Monday was about to be for the “Redeem Team” and all of USA Basketball.

Then the Black Mamba took over.  (Did he give himself that nickname?  Seriously, where did that come from?)  It does answer my question of whether Kobe can switch on him dominance like a switch  The answer is apparently yes.  That three at the three minute mark with nothing but a jab step from twenty something feet was craaaaazy.  I do like how they just call him “Mamba” now.  Which is not only a deadly snake, but also a delicious candy.  Chew, Chew, Chew chew Mamba!

This time I’ve got a whole bunch of man up moments.  The first goes to German Sprinter Tobais Unger.  Check out this bitchin’ and moanin’.

Unger voiced his complaints about the Jamaican sprinter to BILD sport, saying: “Bolt didn’t even warm up for the semi final. He showed up in shorts and jogging shoes, did his pickups and practice starts, put on his spikes and then ran the 100m in 9.92 seconds.

“Bolt ran a time of 9.8 seconds in May and again at the end of September. He showed no tiredness during training,” an annoyed Unger added.

“They do whatever they want on their island. Nothing happens to them. I’m the only one here at the Olympics who is registering with the doping controllers.”

Bolt apparently didn’t even know how to fill out the doping forms. The American sprinters’ coaches actually laughed when they heard about German doping controls.

Unger, who was cut in the semi-finals, threatened to quit: “I just don’t have the desire anymore.”

And by, “I don’t have the desire anymore”, he means, “I can’t beat any of these people and get into the finals”.  Come on Tobias, we’ve already established that the melanin challenged can’t make the finals of the 100m dash.  Give it up.

Oh, and Usain Bolt just called Us Versus Them HQ with a message for you.  Here’s where you can take that shit.

I also need whoever decides which sports make the Olympic games to man up.  After swimming ended it all went downhill from there.  I was looking for Olympic Hoops and ended up catching…uhhhh Mountain Biking.  This shit was crazy.  It looked like someone ran some tape around some trees and had cats just ride around in the woods.  Up a hill, down a hill around a corner, not enough room to pass each other.  Stupid.  Not to mention the fact that X Games BMX biking in a half pipe makes the cut now too.  How about Badminton?  Why?  Handball?  Seriously, where is that popular?  If you going to do that, why can’t Jai Alai get in there?

That guy wants a gold medal too.  He’s got a helmet and a hook thingy attached on his arm.  He’s a badass.  What about football?  (and the first asshole that points out that the Olympics has “Futbol” gets kicked in the teeth)  Let’s get Ultimate Fighting in there too.  They’ve already got wrestling, boxing, and tae kwon do in there, why not kick it up and drop em in the Octagon?  Anderson Silva needs a gold medal too.  Oh and China, I don’t want to hear about how you “won” the Olympics either.  You won on table tennis, air rifle and the aforementioned badminton.  Just stop.

Oh and a final man up to this dude.

Yes I’m talking about the guy on the right.  My man Matos did not like that disqualification, ok?

So all of the above.  MAN UP!

-Brock

UvT Olympics Update

I don’t know if my Tivo ain’t hittin’ right, or if there really isn’t anything on anywhere else in the world other than these Olympics on NBC, but ever since Michael Phelps and gymnastics ended, the Olympics aren’t giving me much anymore.  Honestly, I was in a sports bar this weekend getting my fantasy football on, and we ended up with Olympic trampoline (why is that a sport?) and rowing (ditto).  So here’s a quick recap.

First of all it did me proud to see Cullen Jones in the water in the swimming competition.  Sure, the kid almost drowned when he was 5, but he fought against nature to become a gold medal winning swimmer.  It meant a lot to me, especially since the last time I saw a brother in an Olympic pool, this is how it went down.

Now see, that is why brothers don’t swim right there.  Sure, he was representing Equatorial Guinea but somehow that still ain’t right.  He must be the only brother who can swim at all in E.G.  I need to get my Equatorial Guinea citizenship tight so I can go on ahead and get into those 2012 London games.

Next, you all know Brock loves the gymnasties.  She may have busted her ass and lost the gold, but she wins the UvT gold medal for actually looking like a grown woman during the gymnastics competition.

Holla if you hear me girl.  I know, I know, Be On It, she’s not that good looking.  At least she’s not a Blonde, right?  She’s just the best available.  Her body is just in shape.

You gotta love a chick who goes for the reverse crease.  She doesn’t even go with the traditional ass crease, she goes ahead and drops it in the front.  Hilarious.  Look, the lady even looks reasonable in street clothes.

You know what though.  None of that makes her UvT quality.  Okay, some of that does.  But here is what really tipped the scales.

Daaaaamn.  I know old boy didn’t want to go out like that.  But that is what you get for letting a girl, hell letting anyone, who can probably do handstand pushups hit you square in the jaw.  My man dropped like a pile of bricks.  He can’t be that tall if Alicia was looking him dead in the eye.  That is that big, small man problem there.  Trying to be tough.  Now 788,000 people saw him get knocked out cold.  Great.

You know, now Olympic recap is complete without the men of the Olympics.  The ladies of UvT, have been clamoring for it.  Threatening a boycott.  Invoking Title IX.  Hating on Amanda Cicchini.  So we did the right thing.  We took a closer look at the Olympics, trying to find out what the ladies like.  What is that?  I mean I know I like tight tails and thick thighs.  Do the ladies like skrong arms?  Broad shoulders?  Hey, I don’t want to get too deep into our research techniques.  So here’s a little something for the ladies.  These guys are strong, dressed in tight gear.  Willing to show it all off.  Some of the greatest Olympians ever.

Olympic Super heavyweight wrestlers.  Enjoy ladies.  Don’t say I never did anything for you.

Ha!

-Brock

Man Up Monday: Tyson Gay

The Olympics are more than halfway over.  USA is still up in the medal count(although the Chinese would probably like to point out the fact they have more Gold medals – ignoring the fact that 16 of their total medals are in Badminton and Shooting).  You know America has been pushing their Olympic heroes in advertising for months now.  Michael Phelps certainly worked out, but several Olympic athletes did not.  Starting with the Hamm brothers in Gymnastics, both went down with injury at the last second.  The US Gymnastics team got the Silver in the team competition (due to the still mysteriously sexy Alicia Sacramone.  More on her tomorrow.)  But not since the Dan and Dave debacle of 1992 has an Olympic athlete flamed out like this.

Tyson Gay was America’s best hope for capturing the title of “World’s Fastest Man”.  He was even on the cover of the Olympic Games video game.  (Madden Curse, getting stronger?  Brett, watch your back!)  Let’s ignore the fact that every other meet he has to walk around with the word “gay” pinned to his unitard…not the most intimidating presence on the track I’d say, but hey what can he do?

Anyway, Tyson Gay pulled up at the Olympic trials a few months ago with a bad hammy.  Luckily he had already qualified for the 100 meter dash so he still got to go to the Olympics.

See, this is for all of the people who believe we should send our “stars” no matter what happens to them in the trials.  I say if they are supposed to win, they are supposed to win the trials too.  So Tyson shows up and makes it through the prelims, but doesn’t even get to the finals.  He didn’t even make the finals.  Daaaaamn Homey.  You used to be the Maaaaaan Homey!  I knew it too.

Look at my man’s face.  All my track people out there know his face is too tight.  I mean he looks like he is trying to get rid of Michael Phelps’ daily diet.  He’s making that face Mike Epps made in “All about the Benjamins” when he was making fun of the old dude.  Seben-fittay.  You cna’t win when you are straining it out like that.  How does one of our national heroes get beat before he even gets to the finals.  You know America, we’d rather not show up than get beat on the track.

The real problem…it wouldn’t have mattered anyway.  Usain Bolt DESTROYED the field.  Can you find Usain Bolt in this picture?

Don’t look over by the runners in the picture.  Look waaaaaay over there to the right after the finish line.  I had to go wide screen on it he won by so much.  I mean Bolt is damn near putting his warmups back on and eating his post race snack before the rest of the “greatest athletes in the world” even cross the finish line.  And he ran a 9.69.  And he started clowing and high-stepping like Deion Sanders at the 80 meter mark.  And he rocked the carzy point it out pose before the race.

These pics are so crazy.

Is this guy playing a video game?  I guess that 6’5″ really matters in this sport.  I hope the dude doesn’t go all Ben Johnson on us because this is amazing.  By the way, two quick questions.  Are genetics really so strong that there isn’t a single individual of Nordic and/or European, Eastern Bloc descent that can even get near the semi-finals of this race?  I mean there are no melanin challenged individuals in the arena when this race goes down.  Do the brothers have it on lock like this?  I don’t like to perpetuate stereotypes, (yeah, right) but damn.  Also, when did the Jamaican’s corner the market on fast?  Three Jamacians in the mens and the womens finals in the 100.  That is crazy for such a small country.  Tell the bobsled team to step their game up.

Tyson Gay…Man Up!

-Brock

———–UPDATE—————

Tyson.  Carl Lewis called.  Even he said you need to man up.  That’s.  Not.  Good.

I’m just sayin’.

Michael Phelps is great, but he aint the best ever

Michael Phelps has definitely earned all the accolades he’s received.  Sure, you can say he’s the best swimmer of all time and I’ll even hear arguments that he’s the best Olympian, but the best athlete?  Hells no.  Look, if I’m not mistaken, Phelps is from Baltimore, which means dude probably isn’t even the best athlete in his own area code.  First off, I will admit, homey is sittin on more gold than Chad Johnson’s dentist.

And he certainly eats like the best ever.  But let’s not trick ourselves.  The reason why Phelps has gold medals in his pockets like so many nickles and dimes is because 1.  they have so many swimming events to begin with and 2. a very small sample size of the world’s athletes actually get a chance to compete in organized swimming to begin with.

It’s not quite the same as in track and field where you just know there aren’t that many cats who can step into the blocks and run a sub 10 second 100 meters.  No, when those dudes step up, we KNOW they’re the world’s best because everybody has been racing since they were 6 years old on a playground.

So when Jesse Owens or Carl Lewis win 4 gold medals in a single games, that’s real.  When Phelps does it, if you’re like me, you just sit back and wonder what these events would be like if Deion Sanders, Randy Moss, Michael Vick or Allen Iverson knew how to swim.

I mean, come on, does ANYBODY actually think that Phelps is a better athlete than A-Rod, Jordan or Kobe?  Come on now.  If you gave Randy Moss 24 months, a West Virginia inspired above ground pool (keep it classy), some more weave (sad) and a Bally’s Total Health & Fitness membership, he’d turn half of Phelps gold medals into Bronze.   Best ever?  Right.  And next you’ll be saying Lance Armstrong is the best ever.  Oh, I forgot, fools ALREADY say that.  AHNT.  Pleaz.

By the way, is it just me or is something not quite right with my man’s mouth piece?  Anyway, Phelps is good, but compared to Jesse Owens, Jim Thorpe, and hell, I don’t know, Vince Young, Phelps aint shit.

I said it!  So until they start having the following list of Basketball derivative Olympic events:

1.  Olympic 5 on 5 Men’s Basketball

2.  Olympic Street Basketball

3.  Olympic Horse

4.  Olympic Freestyle Slam Dunk Medley

5.  Olympic 1 on 1 Come Git Some Especial-lay

6.  Olympic Two Handed Dribbling

7.  Olympic Three- Point Shooting

8.  Olympic 3 v 3 Ass-tappitties Floor Exercise, and

9.  Olymypic Synchronized, ball in hand jumping

I don’t want to hear about how Miguelito Phelps is a better athlete than LeBronze James.

– Lake

Michael Phelps is one Hungry MF’er

MIchael Phelps is dominating in Beijing, and is now one of the most dominant Olympic athletes ever.  That would be great if anyone still cared about the Olympics.

I won’t lie, they guy is entertaining to watch.  It is fun to see someone dominate every single event he’s in.  Can you really be the best at everything?  This is like someone on the track winning the 100, the hurdles, the 200, the 400, and the long jump.  Carl Lewis came close, but not quite.

So Phelps just let people know what he eats in a single day in order to keep enough fuel in his body through all these races.  Here’s the list of what he throws down to hit his target 12,000 calories a day.

Breakfast

• three fried-egg sandwiches, with cheese, lettuce, tomatoes, fried onions and mayonnaise.
• two cups of coffee and a five egg omelet
• a bowl of grits
• three slices of French toast with powdered sugar on top
• three chocolate chip pancakes.

Lunch

• entire box of pasta
• two large ham and cheese sandwiches on white bread with lots of mayo.
• 1,000 calories of protein shake

Dinner

• another entire box of pasta
• entire pizza
• another protein shake

How do you even sit down to eat all that?  He told NBC that all he does is eat, swim and sleep.  After looking at that list, there must be a lot of deuce dropping involved as well.  You just can’t burn off that much pure volume.

He better watch out for all of that mayonaise though.  Otherwise he might have a different profile once he retires from swimming.

-Brock

Bush is an International Playa

Is George Bush every going to leave the Olympics?  I know he’s basically a lame duck going into the November elections, but didn’t Russia just invade Georgia this week?  Even Condi Rice came off of vacay to try to help out.  Is anyone still putting $4 gas into their car?  Is he just hanging out with the people who lent us all the money to fund our war?  Anyway, Bush is still kicking it at the Olympics which means…more photo ops.  This guy is priceless.

First up.  Everyone is pissed that Oliver Stone’s new movie portray’s Bush as a wild frat boy.  He really does not deserve that reputation.

Way to throw em up George.  You’re like a rock and roll Uncle Sam.  Nice belt with the metal tips too.

I call this the “Holla at cha boy” picture.  Ol Gee Dub either is looking for a hug, or just scored a touchdown. By the way, this shot of Misty May just gave her 2 extra points in the Assology log.  She might end up as official UvT quality yet.  Her crease work is skrong.

Here’s the second pic in the “holla” series.  This one is more up close and personal.  He’s like “you know I’m a cowboy, Right?  Frum Texyus and ev-verythang.  I’d ride you like a little buckin’ bronco young lady.

Finally, I call this the “my Dad is an idiot” picture.

I don’t know what Dubya is doing, but it is clear Barbara is not feeling it.  She looks like she would rather be drinking with Jenna than sitting in the Olympics.

-Brock

Olympic Babes: Quest for Olympic Thickness Part 1

Yeah, I know, I know, the 4 x 100 MEN’S swimming race was the best win thus far in the Olympics, no this year, no wait, EVER IN THE HISTORY OF SPORTS.

Yeah… that was pretty good, I mean dude did walk that cat down in the final leg.  But at UvT, we care about something more important than that: The Hotter Babes of the XXIX Olympiad.  So I’m going to go on a quest that’s two fold.

1.  I’m looking for some Olympic thickness

Dasrite, I’m looking far and wide, close and near, high and low.  I just gotta have it.   But along the way, I’m willing to find a couple morsels I can keep.  Which leads me to my next endeavor..

2.  Hot babes found while searching for Olympic thickness or HBFWSOTs.

Somehow that acronym doesn’t seem to be working.  Oh but this is:

Oh indeed.  I’m at my best when I cater to my most base instincts, so this Bia & Branca Feres are more important to me than Michael Phelps shit is gonna get good!

Awww and they kept it All Brazilian wholesome too.  We all know how Brazilian chicks like to keep it clean.

Bang….  I know, I know, “they don’t have enough arse”…..or do they?

I know, I know Bia err Branca is propped up at the right angle, maybe with a lil help from her friend uncle photoshop.  Sure and that R. Kelly piss was just digital.

Well, sheeeeeit, that’s a lie a nilla can live with, ya dig?

I can’t tell you for sure if we’ve found our Olympic thickness, but we definitely found some Olympic badness.  These chicks are extremely bad.  And even if they’re not “thick” by definition, they’re Brazilian, so they appreciate and embrace the thick lifestyle.  Oh, and I forgot to say, they do synchronized swimming.  As if that matters, right?  LOL.  Right, clearly nobody is checking for their wonderful routine.  I know, that synchnon swimming is veeeery athletic.  A sport completely befitting an Olympic crown.

Ahhh, yes synchronicity.  It’s a beautiful thing.

Hey, I’m trying to stop posting pics, but it’s reaaally hard with these two.  I like it.

– Lake