CBS to Billy Packer: Beat It Old Man

YES!!!!  The sports curmudgeon is finally DEAD.  Well, at least his career at CBS is.  I didn’t think that old man would ever go.

I know, I know, he’s a legend in the business.  Yeah, so was Jesse Helms, but the angels above sang the sweet notes of jubillee when his punk ass kicked a few weeks back and then got checked direc-it-tally into the the shittiest room in hell’s smackdown motel.

Bottom line, Billy Packer’s commentary skills weren’t worth all the bs that came along with them.  Besides, did we really need to be calling a grown ass man “Billy” anyway?  In my estimation, there are two kinds of grown ass Billys in the world.  Country hicks who think Barack Obama is a Muslim that’s trying to covertly take over the United States gobment and punk ass dudes in pink polo’s with popped collars who rock that Billy because it fits nicely with that sailing, “I’m going down to the lake,” prep boy angle they’re working.

Note that Billy Packer is neither.  He’s just an old man named Billy who got canned about 15 years too late. I mean, I’m not sure McCain errr Billy even knows who he is at this point.

The old cat just looks confused.

But back to this Billy thing. Rule of thumb, once you hit 6th grade, it’s time to cash that “Billy” moniker in for either “Will” or “Bill” and definitely steer clear of that “Willy.”  Just like all you Suzys need to become Suzanne, Timmys need to become Tim and so on.  But don’t take that shit too far either.  Don’t you hate it when you reunite with one of your high school friends named, oh I don’t know, “Andy” and all of a sudden, they demand that you call them “Andrew”?

Lake:  Heeey, Andy Jamison, how the hell are you?  What, it’s been like 8 years, right?  How are your parents and that sister… 😉

Andy:  Everyone’s good, but hey, it’s Andrew now.

Lake:  What’d you say?

Andy:  Andrew.  Nobody’s called me Andy since I left home.

Lake: Fuck you… Yo’ mama call you Andy, I’mma call you Andy, punk.  And watch that lip too.  Don’t get fresh with me, Andy.  Lest I bring you allll the way back to middle school and the true genesis of Andy as in “Andy’s a mufucka” Andy, bitch.  (And if you don’t believe conversations with me can escalate like this, ask Brock, he’s seen it..ha)

Ok, so I exaggerated a little bit at the end.  I didn’t call him a bitch…per say.  Ha.  But rest assured, I had that conversation with a slug named “Andrew” long about 6 months ago and still don’t like his tone, even as I write it now.  What was I talking about?  Oh yeah, Billy Packer’s a mufucka and I’m glad he’s gone.  Now all we need to do is get rid of that annoying ass Dack Vitale and all his “awesome baby” and “diaper dandy dunk-a-roo” step-n-fetch show and college basketball will be good again.

Cats gotta realize, if I’m aware of you as an announcer, you’re not doing your job.  I don’t want to know who is announcing the game when JJ Redick pulls up for three or when Dahntay Jones puts

on someone’s face, ok?  A good announcer blends into the game like the goal, court and refs.  Bad announcers have “signature lines” like that awful “Ohhhhh, it’s an A Bomb from A-Rod”…..AHNT  In fact, let’s just purge all these self important jackasses who make themselves bigger than the games they cover and start fresh.  Here’s my short list of jerks who need to get to steppin’ off my tv screen:

1.  Dick Vitale

2.  Joe “Fuck” Buck (arrogant prick who showed his true colors with that Randy Moss “disgrace” nonsense)

3.  Mike Patrick (complete idiot and always over calling games with reference to some senior ACC guard “How about that, he’s some kinda player”)  AHNNNNNTTTT

4.  John Madden (Don’t hate John, but his time has come)

5.  Bryant Gumbel (I know he’s like a giant in the biz and one of the early hot play callers, but he’s fucking terrible at this point.  His NFL Network games are BRUTAL to listen to.  I’m tired of hearing his bullshit, pedestrian (that was for slick jefferson) ass voice coupled with those entirely ahnt observations that the color guy should be making.  All in all, just a horrible cat in the booth.)

And I’m not all negative, here are some guys I love:

1.  Jeff Van Gundy (this cat is quietly hilarious, but definitely knows the game.  He also calls out the bullshit and boneheaded calls, plays and adjustments by coaches, a real pro)

2.  Gus Johnson (His rhetoric is top notch and he can really hype up a college football game)

3.  Bill Rafferty – (“With the kiss” is still a hot line and that “send it in Jerome” is still one of my favorite calls in all of sports).

Anyway, I guess you can tell I’m happy that Billy is gone.  With my luck, dude will end up doing MORE Duke games on Espn or something, but until then, I’m a happy camper.

– Lake

WTF? Now Taylor King is transferring?

Not that it’s a huge deal on the court, but why in the hell is Taylor King leaving Duke?

What, he’s too tall for our system or something? This makes no sense at all. What the fuck is going on in Durham? It seems like every single year a high profile player leaves. I know, I know, he must be too soft for this spotlight. Or here’s another, he’s too much of a prima donna. Seriously? If all these cats are bums with no work ethic and no heart who don’t fit into the Duke system, then why are we recruiting them in the first place?

Forget starting to be embarrassing, the state of Duke Basketball right now is NOT good and yes, some elements of it are downright terrible. Why can’t we land someone above 6-8? Why are players leaving the program every single year? Why are we losing in the first and second rounds of the NCAAs with a squad that features 8 McDonald’s All-Americans? Why do we recruit Jon Scheyer (and I’m not saying there’s anything wrong with Jon Scheyer) every single year. Honestly, there were 5 Jon Scheyer like players on our team to start this season, I’d prefer just one or maybe two. Not 5. Jesus.

(remember these guys?)

Fellas, PLEASE!  I implore you to add Grant Hill, Jason Williams or somebody with a fresh perspective to that coaching staff who can land competitive recruits that fit our system and want to be there competing at the highest level.  Things haven’t been right with our team since JJ and Shelden bounced. Things haven’t been dominant since Jason Williams, Duhon, Boozer, Battier and Dunleavy were balling. Let’s not kid ourselves, things are NOT ok with Duke Basketball right now.

Let’s stop fooling ourselves with talk about it just being a down time.  Look at our recruits and then look at Carolina’s recruits.  I feel like the USSR right before the fall of communism.  The handwriting is on the wall and it aint pretty.  Worst of all, a big part of the problem is that people don’t want admit that we do in fact have a problem.  It’s time to retool, change our ways and right the ship. This aint George W. Bush in Iraq, it’s Duke Basketball. We’re better than this.

New blood, fresh ideas and a new approach must be sought to make the necessary improvements. Coach K’s image is in the shatter. Homey, start doing national interviews. Start doing sideline interviews. This corporate model aint getting it done. We should be IN the final four THIS year with a freshly loaded handgun waiting at home. Elliot Williams is nice, but you can’t stop there. It should be a class full of players including Greg Monroe, Elliot and a pure point guard. Finally, isn’t it time for those assistants to get out there and make it on their own anyway. I can answer that. YES IT IS. Help. (Rant over)

– Lake

Man Up Monday: Duke Blue Devils

Oh hell no. You all know I didn’t want to do this, but this weeks man up Monday goes out to the Duke Blue Devils. I was watching the game on Saturday as our lead slipped away, then I looked up with about 4 minutes to go and we had 49 points…49 POINTS. I guess the three ball wasn’t falling huh fellas?

I know, I know I feel the same way. Hey Coach K, this summer I’m gonna need you to work on something. I want you to hit the recruiting trail, I need you to take a tape measure with you. When you walk into a young man’s home, I want you to extend the tape measure out to 6 feet 10 inches. Hold it up, if the young man is not taller than that tape measure, turn around, and walk out of that house. Repeat until you have success at least two times.

What happened to this dude?

Well, another Duke season over. I feel bad because I actually had Duke losing to West Virginia in my bracket (you gotta clip ’em early before the emotion runs away from you). At least Georgetown lost too to soften the blow and avoid making us the only top team to get clipped. Here’s the real problem, with all the basketball I watched, no one rolls with a more melanin deficient squad than the Duke Blue Devils. I hear playing old school basketball, but not that old school. In fact, in a UvT exclusive, I’ve got a picture of our 2008 recruiting class.

Terrible.

Duke Blue Devils. Get a big man. Recruit some brothers. Get in the weight room this summer and…Man UP!

-Brock

Terrible: Duke Goes Out The Back Door Like Some Punks

Dude, that game was painful to watch. 

 

All I can say is whatever criticism all you “Dook Fans” (and by that I mean yall haters who know more about Duke than your own teams) have for us, I won’t quarrell with you.  That loss was unacceptable and embarrassing.  I can’t believe that we went out like that.  We’re in mourning over here at UvT.  Not sure about Brock, but as of now, I’m calling in sick tomorrow in protest.  Out of respek for West Virginia, I’ll play the John Denver classic, Take Me Home Country Roads…. he sings so fine don’t you agree?

Told yall I was a white dude. 

Lo Duke

– Lake

Belmont Fans & Duke Haters Almost Had One

Oh yeah, all those cats I like to call “Dook Fans,” meaning people who claim to “hate Dook” but actually know more about Duke Basketball than they do their own teams, really thought they had something. Can’t you just imagine watching them as Belmont took the lead? I mean, pure joy and ecstasy had to be coursing through their veins.

Then reality set in and G did that damn thing.

Which left yall realizing that just like so many times before:

Look, the almost Duke loss is all I’m hearing all over sports talk radio and all over ESPN. Yes, if Duke had lost, that would have been the biggest debacle in the Program’s history. But yall gotta understand one thing: Duke didn’t lose. It was in fact “the other way” as Marlo learned that clown security guard that dared test him.

Now to be fair, Duke has played lackluster ball since the first Carolina game. Why I don’t know. But let’s just understand one thing, our lackluster ball is still better than yall haters’ best 95% of the time. Go ask the Murrland Terps whether it was a down year for “Dook”… Yeah, I quickly tuned in to see if what’s there name and them got at Maryland’s Basketball team tonight too… Since NOBODY gives a rat’s ass about the NIT or Terps Hoops, you might ax “who”…

Dasrite (Shouts to Larry Dutchinson), while Duke struggled to WIN in the NCAA Tournament, those oh so talented Maryland Terps LOST to hapless Syracuse in the NIT. Very nice. Now, what hurt more, Maryland losing to SU and the taste of those salty nizzuts or Duke winning at the end?

Don’t lie. Yall know you HATED to see Duke pull that out. In fact, you hate Duke more than you like Murrland, UNC, UK, and all the rest of those other “Dook” schools. Hilarious.

Go Duke…no seriously, Duke, go and do something about this terrible play.

There, at least I did my part.

– Lake

This Just In: NIT Bound Terps Still Suck

To all my loyal Terp fan readers, I’m sorry this post took me four days to complete.

It’s not that I wanted to neglect you, it’s just that every time I tried to write it, I ended up laughing so hysterically that I couldn’t complete it.

Now, unlike others, I love to be the one to say, “I told you so.” So let me go ahead and say it, I TOLD YOU SO! LOL. Contrary to the rhetoric so many of you hit me with this entire season, clearly your team wasn’t all that good and obviously you were a completely inferior squad when compared to those Duke Blue Devils.

Just look at you, you’ve got ONE win against a top 50 team when you stole that game from UNC. Otherwise, you haven’t done shit to deserve an at large bid. I know, I know, you guys can still win the ACC Tournament. Sure and I can still play striker for AC Milan. You guys are lucky ESPN is still calling you a bubble team. In all truth, you cats aren’t on the bubble, you’re under the bubble only that bubble is deez nuts!

Anyway, I’ll certainly be tuned in Thursday night when Boston College puts that final bullet in your coffin. And it don’t look much better for next year either. How are you guys going to have any better chance of making the Tournament in 2009? You’ll lose Osby and Gist and replace them with two Junior College players, a post grad guy and one decent 4 star recruit. Sure, Vasquez is solid, but he’s just that, solid. He’s not a guy who can kill anyone by himself and Hayes is barely an ACC level talent. Just face it Maryland fans, your coach can’t and doesn’t want to recruit.

I enjoyed watching you guys blow a 20 point second half lead to Clemson the other day, the looks on the faces of your fans were priceless.

“To riot or not to riot, that is the question.”

And then that swift and stiff ass kicking you took from bottom feeding UVa on the road, how very Terp of you to not show up when you needed to most. Anyway, enjoy that first round tap out in the NIT. It’s not like I didn’t tell you fools that you’d be there. Now if I can only get you clowns to discontinue any and all discussion about the “competitive academics” at Murrland. Maryland is a fine school, but when I was applying to Colleges, my list included Stanford, Brown, Princeton and Penn, not Virginia Tech, Florida State and Murrland, ya dig? There is no comparison, kind of like basketball this year. Now you guys just sit there and deal with it. LOL Oh and get ready to hear me run my mouth allllll summer and allllll next year too. Haaaaaa Terps suck.

– Lake

Moonshine & Muskrat Soup All Around: UNC beats Duke

Not enough sack at the end of the game and poor execution sent the Blue Devils packing against the boyz in Baby Blue from down the road in NC. You best believe those hicks on Franklin street were having a humdinger good hootin’ time once that final buzzer sounded.

Oh yes, it was moonshine, tabaccy chew and musrat soup for erryone over there at Safety School University and I must admit, it was well earned. Now on to the ACC Tourney were hopefully the Good Guys can right the ship and take the tie-breaker en route to an ACC Championship. But before we move on to that, I must ax this one question again:

What exactly do you think this chick “wants” from Gerald Henderson again?

Exactly.

– Lake (Still givin’ em what they want from Hinton James to BW3 stockrooms)

Hoops: Blue Devils Flatten UVa, 86-70

Dude, I haven’t seen an ass whoopin like that since the JJ Redick era.

Before the game UVa’s players looked like this.

Then the fellas stepped forward with some of this:

A little bit of that:

Which ultimately lead to this:

Did Duke have to do it to those Wahoos like that? I mean, get off the canvas UVa.. Get up! Jeez. Player of the game for Duke had to be my main man (finger snap) Greg Paulus, but it was really a complete team win.

Duke Blue Devils
STARTERS	MIN	FGM-A	FTM-A	OFF	REB	AST	PF	PTS
K. Singler, F	32	8-21	0-0	3	8	0	3	18
L. Thomas, F	16	0-1	1-2	0	2	1	1	1
G. Paulus, G	33	5-10	0-0	0	2	3	3	14
G. Henderson, G-F	28	8-13	2-2	3	7	4	1	19
D. Nelson, G	29	6-10	2-5	1	4	4	2	16
BENCH	MIN	FGM-A	FTM-A	OFF	REB	AST	PF	PTS
N. Smith, G	11	2-2	0-0	0	1	0	1	6
D. McClure, F	5	0-0	0-0	0	1	0	1	0
T. King, F	4	0-1	0-0	0	0	0	0	0
J. Scheyer, G	29	3-6	3-3	2	2	4	0	10
B. Zoubek, C	13	1-1	0-2	1	4	1	3	2
TOTALS		FGM-A	FTM-A	OFF	REB	AST	PF	PTS
		33-65	8-14	10	31	17	15	86
		50.8%	57.1%

Still, Greg was just throwing it in the ocean from three. I really think that broke their spirit early and then Duke never looked back thanks to Greg’s play. And there’s nothing worse for an opponent than a confident, shat talking Paulie.

Anyway, bottom line, I like the level of play and overall determination going into this UNC game on Saturday and post season play in general. I also liked how K got minutes in for Big Zoub. It’s an understatement, but the boys in Blue need to sack up and run those hicks from UNC back to Chapel Hill on Saturday.

No mercy.

Go Duke.

– Lake

Mason “Ma$e” Plumlee commits to Duke

Everybody knows that Duke has the horses on the perimeter to challenge any team in the nation.

But to be honest, Duke fans were more than a little concerned when two years in a row our prime Big Man targets, Patrick Patterson and Greg Monroe, decided to play ball elsewhere.

It didn’t help either that our rival, Chapel Hill State School of North Cakalina, made a big splash when they landed 5 big man prospects in the span of like 2 weeks.

Anyway, with the cupboard bare for the class of 2008, Duke is looking to the class of 2009 to right the ship in the post. And I guess that project starts with Mason Plumlee.

Huh?

Better….

Ah Ha! There’s our guy (far right). There’s the Duke swagger and feel you need. At least, it’s much closer than that first picture. Maybe Ma$e just needs to be around the fellas to look right…

Hey, I’m not hating on Mason. After all, the very second anyone becomes a Duke player, they immediately go into the “Us” category while everybody else is relegated to “Them” status. So really, I’m not anti Ma$e. But when you look at the scouting report on the dude he’s more of a Mike Dunleavy, Christian Laetner or Danny Ferry type of cat who prefers to float around the perimeter more than bang in the post. So really, he’s not a big man at all, just a tall guard. Now when you’re 6-11 and don’t really like to take it into the paint, people are bound to make comparison’s to Josh McBoberts errrr call you soft.

I’m not saying he’s soft, I’m just saying homey needs to weigh more than 210 once he actually gets on campus. I don’t know. I just spoke to some stone cold Dukie bamas about Plumlee’s commitment and this was their reaction.

Just kidding, no this was really their reaction:

They didn’t quite get it. In response to criticism from the Duke faithful and haterz alike, Ma$on released this official statement early today:

Yo, check this out right
Plumlee on da rise
And you don’t want no problem with us guys, uh huh
M-A-dollar sign-E
And if you ever out tryin’ to find me
I think I should warn you
I get hard when I want to

Damn, let’s hope so..

– Lake

DeMarcus Speaks on the Two Game Slide

Somebody has to do something here. Hopefully this public statement from the captain will bear fruit.

“Whatever it is that’s going on that’s keeping us from playing at the level we need to play at, we have to address it and take ownership of what’s going on. We have to hate this. We have to hate this so much that we’ll play to exhaustion, until our hearts pop out of our chests before we lose another game.”

Amen brother.

Amen.  Go Duke.

– Lake