Palin and the Bush Doctrine…Wait. What is the Bush Doctrine?

I guess Charlie Gibson agreed to treat Sarah Palin with deference and respect prior to the interview because Palin finally agreed to come off script and tell us what she really thinks as opposed to what the scriptwriters think.

Man.  Charlie knew he had her immediately too.  When she says “In what respect Charlie” she really means, “What the hell are you talking about Charlie?”.  You can literally see the moment when she hears that voice inside that all of us hear sometimes saying “fuuuuuuuuuck”.

I half expected her to say “Charlie…I personally believe that US Americans believe that…such as…in the Iraq and the President Bush and the, Bush Doctrine and everything such as”.  In fact she might want to get in touch with Miss Teen South Carolina for some tips on how to work the interview answers off the cuff.

Oh man.  That never gets old.

Seriously though.  This is literally why politicians work the national stage for a little while.  That is why the 18 months on the campaign trail matter.  It’s okay if some reporter in Nebraska asks you about your views on the Bush Doctrine with a little tape recorder in his hand in March of 2007 when no one is paying attention.  You can say, “What is the Bush Doctrine?” and it is all good.  You can’t do it when you are 55 days away from the general election and locked in to be a 50/50 chance and a heartbeat away from the most powerful job in the world.

Like Matt Damon said, “she’s gonna have the nuclear codes”.

-Brock

Matt Damon Drops a Little Knowledge

Finally, someone, ANYONE, just comes out and says straight:

Come on, who among us doesn’t realize:

1. Palin is a joke candidate for Vice President of the United States of America

2. John McCain has a 1 in 3 chance of dying in office, leaving us with hockey mom Palin as our VP, a concept that literally is about as ridiculous as ME bring President two years from now.

5 years ago, Paliln was selling camping equipment.  CAMPING EQUIPMENT!!!!  Two years ago she was running a “city” that’s literally smaller than my neighborhood.  In all seriousness, exactly 20 months ago, I HAD A SUPERIOR RESUME TO SARAH PALIN and I wouldn’t let her run the comments section on this website without a proper UvT vetting and some advanced schooling.  If Sarah Palin, due to her academic and professional substance, isn’t qualified to write for this blog, and believe me, she isn’t, then how in the hell is she qualified to even be a candidate for Vice President?

Hey, this is the Presidency of the United States, it’s not “Brownie, doin’ a heck of a job” running FEMA or Harriet Myers getting appointed to the Supreme Court.  I mean, this is literally a Wu Tang Financial moment, “Protect Your Fucking Neck!”  Enough with the moose hunting and ice fishing jokes, this woman is not ready to be President of a goddamn thing and sure as hell aint ready to be VP of the US of A.  Thx.

– Lake

————–UPDATE—————–

The best quote is “I really need to know if she thinks dinosaurs were here 4000 years ago.  That’s an important…I want to know that.  I really do.  Because she’s gonna have the nuclear codes.”

I don’t think there is a better summary of the situation than that quote.

-Brock

I Can’t Take It

I’m watching the RNC and John McCain right now because I really want to hear and see all sides and all opinions heading into the Presidential Elections this year.  So I’m watching as they scan the crowd and see this sign describing McCain.

“The Mavrick”

See, how am I supposed to trust that guy?  Honestly.  I don’t want to be stereotypical, I know that there is a core to the Republican set of values that has a real basis of support, but I can’t deny the plain fact that they also leverage appeal to the simple and uneducated to give their party more power.  Between that and “drill baby drill” this thing has looked like the damn WWE as much as anything.

That kinda scares me.

-Brock

Bristol to Sarah Palin: “I Learned It By Watching YOU Mom”?

Who knows if Mrs. Palin is slaying more than “the good ole boys” (did anybody bother to tell her what party she’s in?) up in her little store front “City Hall” in Wasilla.

Look, my high school principal’s office looks more official than this shit.

All I know is that when someone holds themselves out as a “Champion of Moral Values” they’re usually not. I know, I know, she’s only mortal…right.  Of course, the moralizers always want to take that uppity high road (until people fuck up and then it’s all about “errybody makes mistakes” and “we’re all sinners”), talk all their shit about family values and the “good ole days of yore” when grandpappy and grandmama worked the land, said their prayers, refused to sit next to blacks errrr helped their neighbors and loved Amurica.   Sure.  Only, back in those days, grandpappy often had a family the next town over and grandmama was getting more than milk for the milkman, which is why your Uncle Jr. is the only one in the family to have red hair.  But that was the “greatest generation.”  Sure.  And it’s the same with this tabaccy spittin’, moose killin’, gun tottin’, unrecognizable accent havin’, Obama disparagin’, Tina Fey lookin’, ‘bridge to nowhere’ financial facts misrepresentin’, hair placed in several up positions rockin’, plane ebay sellin’, 4 errr 5 kids havin’, shotgun wedding endorsin’, Nature’s Valley Granola Bar kid namin’, running the point b-ballin’, not to mention yes yallin’ chick right here.

Awwww, who woulda thunk it.  A country girl, with a bad attitude, decent proportions (for 44) and kick ass reputation is under investigation for living out a real life “Somebody’s Sleeping In My Bed” scenario behind the back of her woefully less impressive Hubby.

And my man on the left doesn’t look too confident either. ha

Shoot, now I see how she got so cross-eyed, she’s over here trying to check out every Tom, Brick and Berry in town.  And I hate to say it, but it’s really freak 101 and anyone who has dealt with a freak and somehow gotten the history knows this to be true, but freak nasty runs in the family yall.  And if you don’t know, you better ax somebody.

Now we’re hearing that the fam was all up in arms when Bristol finally told them she was preggers.  I can imagine how that conversation went.

A true classic.  Not saying she banged out ole Not Mr. Palin either….I’m just saying, this is how she rolled in the 80’s.

And, no, I don’t think this is a photoshop.  ha

– Lake

For Some Reason There is More Than One Republican Analyst Named Tucker

So I’m flipping through the channels last night and hit CNN for a quick update on the RNC.  I see Campbell Brown going at it with a McCain spokesman.  I don’t really recognize the dude, but he is the typical talking head.  Campbell caught him with a wild question on Sarah Palin’s big executive decisions as President of the PTA, Scout Leader of Brownie Troop 523, Mayor of Saytheweezybaybee, Alaska or whatever she’s been doing when Campbell says, “Tucker, answer the question”.  That gets my interest, so I look up.

Daaaaaaamn.  When did Tucker Carlson become a McCain spokesperson?  I knew Tucker Carlson lost the bow tie a while ago, but the haircut really tightened him up.  He actually looks like a respectable human being now.  He lost the shaggy, high school haircut and actually looks like a grown ass man.

Then I went looking for him today, and that’s not Tucker Carlson.  It’s some dude named Tucker Bounds.  Unfortunately, Tucker Carlson still looks like this.

Damn, I guess I gave you too much credit Tuck.  Here is a free piece of advice though.  Take the picture above, print it out, take it to your barber and say “give me this”.  You are 39 years old, and it is time to start looking like it.  You still look like a real life Richie Rich to me.

The Tuckers really do look alike though don’t they?  That dude is like Tucker 2.0.  Either that or all white dudes look alike to me.  One or the other, I can’t tell which one it is yet.

-Brock

Can You Find The “Family Values Hero”?

Here’s a little game we played today at UvT headquarters.

Can you find the Sarah Palin?  Hey, looking at the pic for the first time, I could only positively tell you that she wasn’t the black lady watching the action, otherwise, I was stumped.  But then I looked really hard, decided who looked most moral and it was easy as Amurican pie.  So tell me, is it:

1.  The Adam Morrison/Levi Johnston look-a-like?

2.  The semi thick thighed shorty rock with the spoon administered Peter Brady haircut?

3.  The chick delivering that forearm shiver across ole girl’s bosom, or

4.  The crotch shot babe getting her win on after an apparent loose ball scrum.

You tell me, which is my Conservative Hero and yours, Sarah Palin?

– Lake

Palin is a Pitbull in a Skirt

Hey, I pretty much dislike most everything she stands for and she’s lied about Barack Obama thoroughly throughout the entire speech, but I must admit, Sarah Palin is hard and somehow still likable.

I thought John McCain was going away from attacks, jabs, ridicule and overall negativity.  Surprise, surprise, the Republicans are up to their old tricks.

Game on muthafuckers….GAME ON!

Guns, Liquor and Unprotected Sex – Sarah Palin is an American Hero!

You gotta hand it to those Republicans.  They said they wanted a buzz and dammit, they got their buzz.

This Sarah Palin shit is about as good as it gets.  Her selection by McSame W. Bush was met with confusion.

Hell, most of the Republicans I know thought she didn’t have the qualifications to be a Vice Presidential Candidate.  See, they didn’t have their little sound bytes and talking points ready defend Palin beyond pointing out that she likes guns, moose burgers and Amurica.

So when the revelations of how her ineffective policy positions were biting her own family in the ass, you knew it would take them a day or so to figure out how to spin it.  And just like we all knew they would, the Republicans have used some more of their twisted logic to actually spin this Bristol Palin is Pregnant into a positive pro life position that has turned into “Sarah Palin is a HERO!”  A Hero?  Is that what you call a mother who preaches responsibility to your child, but can’t control her own?  Is that what you call someone who tells us just to tell your kids “just say no to dack and cat” but who can’t stop her daughter from throwing so much tail that her friends thought she was pregnant not once, but TWICE?!  Really, are these the actions of a capable “Pro Life” candidate?  I didn’t know getting your freak on in an Igloo with some Captain Morgan in your cup and weed in your lungs was an expression of “Pro Life” values, but you’ve definitely got my attention now that I’ve heard that it could be.  Peep Bristol’s myspace act.

haaaa, I know, I know, it’s just one picture, right?  Hmmm, let’s see if Bristol gets her drink on as much as she gets her spank on.

Oh yeah, wait, is that Genesse Beer?

LOL.  Let me just say that if you take this many pictures in front of liquor and they’ve found their way onto the internet, you aren’t too worried about Governor Mommy Amurica finding out that you sip the sizzurp.  But that’s family values right?  Of course it is.  And enough about this dude Levi and his plans to marry Bristol just because he put one on goal.  I mean, look at the cat.

He looks like Adam Morrison’s Mini Me.

And yes, that is Bristol Palin strapped up with not one, but two gats.  Trench Coat Mafia move over.  What the fuck?  What, they have sex, get their drink on and then do a drive by?  Oh, I know, this isn’t that kind of gun totting, this is wholesome teenage “extra circular” activity, right?  They’re sportsman enjoying the great outdoors by killing whatever they see.  I get it.  And I’m loving those jeans young Levi has on, too.  Very stylish.  Hey Levi, why not start by getting yourself, well, some Levis!  On Levi Johnston’s myspace page, he described himself as “a fucking redneck” and judging from this pic, I believe him.  I just want to know since when have “fucking rednecks” rocked fat laces and an Adam Morrison wig/hat combo?

I know Levi, I’m just an asshole, believe me, you’ll get used to it.  Hey, I’m starting to like these Republicans and their version of “family values.”  Best I can tell, you can do anything you want as long as you say you’re Anti-Abortion and Anti-Gay marriage and it’s just all good.  But just let me get this Republican values system straight.  When I bang chicks out raw dog, which really is the best way, that’s Pro Life.  But when I responsibly strapped up with a condom thereby avoiding an unwanted preggers, that’s not in accord with “Amurica’s core values”?  Well shit, where do I sign up?  I love the Republicans.  They definitely let me know there’s a place for my philandering ass in that “big tent” they have over there.  I even saw John McSame As Bush getting Republican Jiggy with some Pro Life Honeys.

I’m with it.

– Lake

Sellout: Joe Lieberman is a clown

I’m sitting here listening to turncoat Lieberman at the Republican National Convention as he gets this two clap “sexual chocolate” level applause.

What an idiot.  This dude came onto the stage and immediately started to talk about how political parties are hurtful to the democratic process.  Did anybody tell this dude that he was at a political convention?! Now he’s talking about how good Bill Clinton was…haaaaa this is like bizzaro world.  Republicans clapping for Bill Clinton, ones of convention participants clapping for Joe Lieberman…grandma hitting the heavy bag.  The dog taking the cat out for a walk.  This shit is just weird.  What a joke.  I mean, seriously, I’m looking at this dude’s face and even he knows he’s bullshit. He’s got that “why am I here again?” expression too.  I know, I know, John McCain is an independent man, a maverick.

That’s why he picked a “radical right hero” as his running mate, something that was clearly a purely political move?  Hey JOE!  Why are you throwing your support behind Palin, a person you disagree with on abortion rights, gay rights and pretty much every other social issue.  You don’t even know her and she has no experience of your oh so important “war on terror.”  You’re a phony and a piece of shit!  Hopefully you get what you deserve when your punk ass gets back to Washington or Connecticut, or wherever you go.

Fucker, beat it.

– Lake

Man Up Monday (Tuesday Edition): The Republican Party

My man Lake is the political one, so I’m sure he’s going to be working over Governor Palin any moment now.  So the Dems just came off of a successful convention, Hillary finally gave a speech where she she actually acknowledged that she is not longer going to be President of the United States, Bill Clinton did his thing, and Joe Biden was put through his paces.

It went well, and this week was supposed to show the Republican party right after so the American people can really see the differences between the parties.  Wellllllll.  Things aren’t exactly going as planned.  First, McCain cut the analysis of Barack Obama’s speech short by announcing his VP Candidate.  Now I had been working on my Mormon jokes all week and I know CNN had their debate clip package spliced up just right, but the ol maverick hit everyone with a curveball.

Sarah Palin?  Really?  Who is she?  No really, who is she?  Because of this wild choice, the word of the week in now “vetting”.  First, the Republicans asked George Bush what it meant, and he said “Vettin?  Ain’t that where you poke on them animals, and fix em up?”

Good one chief.  You’re an idiot.

I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to hurt your feelings.

Anyway, the Republicans must think vetting is derived from the military policy of “don’t ask, don’t tell” because they apparently didn’t run this decision by any damn body.  OK?  I mean I vet my appitezer and dinner order with the table harder than they worked this decision around the circuit.  I mean damn, can it get worse?

Yes, Yes it can.

Not that underage sex and teen pregnancy.  Nice.  Those are family values at work.

Then they get to deal with this during their party convention.

Talk about raiiiieeeeaaaaiin on your wedding day.  Isn’t it ironic?  Don’t ya think?

That just sucks right there.  Especially since Bush and Brownie realllllly got that one wrong last time.

Even George Bush, sole possessor of the title of worst approval ratings ever can’t take it.

So Republicans.  You’re starting to look desperate.  Sarah Palin is not Hillary Clinton, ok?  Repeating things over and over does not make them true or any more convincing.  Also, until you solve the circular argument of: Barack Obama is not experienced enough to be President; Sarah Palin has the same qualifications as Barack Obama; Sarah Palin is ready to be Commander in Chief, I don’t want to hear anything else from you.

I’m sure you have something in the ol Republican handbook that still holds water.  Roll that puppy out and ride it into Friday.  Just believe in yourself.  Man Up!

-Brock