Archive for the ‘Drugs’ Category

Shocker: Jamaican Track Stars Are Beginning to Get Busted For Drugs

September 3, 2008

Wait, you can’t smash world records while jogging the last 15 meters in a 100 meter race, as you run sideways and order up some delicious ox tails?

Come on now.  I’m not saying all the Jamaicans were on performance enhancers, but didn’t it seem a bit odd to see so many of those cats getting their effortless Gold Medal trot on?  If it looks too good to be true, it probably is.  Today it’s some hurdlers getting busted, in 6 months it will be someone else and finally, Usain’s presently undetectable Rum Runner-HGH-Red Stripe elixir of speed will be exposed.  Ha  Dude clearly didn’t want to break that record too much, which is why he jogged the last 15 meters!!!!

I know, I know, he just works harder, plus he’s 6, 4.  Believe me, I know.  Just wait and though you heard it here first, believe me, if you paid any attention, you’ve already told yourself that something wasn’t right.  ha

– Lake

Matt Jones: “We Snort the Coke, We Drink the Wine!!!!”

July 14, 2008

Matt Jones muthafuckas it’s party time!!!

We missed this from last week, but Matt Jones, Jags Wide Receiver and former “good guy” got busted for Coke by the fuzz.

Damn.  Anyway, the 6 foot 8 inch, former Arkansas Quarterback got picked up with two more of his boys while cutting up coke in a car with a credit card.

Genius!  I mean, what can be said?  If you get busted cutting up some coke in public place, we can rest assured that you have a drug problem.  And this just in, Matt Jones says that “it wasn’t him” or better yet, “it’s wasn’t his”..  Ha.  Right, because that defense works for anybody not named R. Kelly or Shaggy.  Hey Matt, unless you’ve sold 100 Million albums, you can’t use that one player.  Nah, that felony yeyo possession charge is gonna stick something serious my man.

Seriously, how wild do you think this cat is?  I mean, he’s big as all hell, cutting up some wild bolivian marching powder in a parking lot and has enough game to play NFL Wide Out.

Scary.

– Lake

Tatum O’Neal Cracks Up

June 3, 2008

Tatum O’Neal was picked up buying crack on Sunday. Yes that is as crazy as it sounds. Sure, it isn’t that interesting that she’s on drugs, but who smokes crack? Also, if you’re famous, can’t you get your crack delivered? Plus, if I had to guess, Tatum would have been a cocaine chick. You know, crackheads are like meth tweakers, they usually end up looking like this:

If you’re on cocaine, you can still look like this:

Seriously, I’m not into drugs, but you gotta go for the clean high right? You don’t go to that crack rock until you hit the bottom. You know, you need to be living in a car and eating crackers and ketchup before you go to the crack rock. Invest in your high. What do rich people get high on these days? Ambien? Oxycontin? Red Bull, Codiene and Viagra? Hell I don’t know. But drop a couple of dollars on the good stuff.

As always, Us Versus Them always tracks down the interviews no one else can get. This time the interns were able to track down Tatum’s ex husband John McEnroe for his exclusive statement on the topic.

You ain’t lied John, you ain’t lied.

-Brock

BUSTED: Joakim Noah Smokes The Dope

May 28, 2008

This really isn’t news so I’ll give it a few seconds of actual story time until I move on to more worthy pursuits.  But Joakim Noah, the back-to-back NCAA Basketball National Champion and Chicago Bull Forward, just got busted for possession the hippie lettuce and unauthorized public liquor sippin the ‘nother day in Florida.

I know, I know, the next thing I’ll tell you is that water is wet, R. Kelly enjoys pissing on teens and the Yankees Suck this year.  Believe me, Joakim Noah smoking tweed is about as much of a lock as you can possibly get in life. 

And while we’re at it, hell, why not, let’s just go ahead and roll back that ridiculous celebration dance homey pulled last year.

Hard to imagine that dude is on some banned substances, huh?  And even better, his pops doesn’t understand what all the fuss is about, hmmmm, I wonder why?

“In the newspapers, there’s a lot of talk about my son who is 23 and has a drink with his friends and who is caught with a joint in his pocket,” said Noah senior.

“He called me. He said: ‘Dad, I think I’ve blundered’. I said: ‘Yes, it’s a mistake but it’s not serious. Don’t change. Make me happy, don’t let it happen again’.”

Hey, it’s hard to fault pops for taking the smooth and easy approach when he can smoke the finest herbs over in Paris with an assortment of extra light skinned bunnies he seems to hold in his pockets like so many nickels and dimes (Godfather I reference).

Yannick is so pimp.  I’m sure Joakim needs some “home grown” to just get his mind off how much cooler his pops is than him.  Anyway, While I was looking up the particulars on this Joakim “blunder” I noticed something: Joakim’s sister Yelena Noah is pretty decent.

Whoops, that’s “Black” from Flavor of Love 3.. not sure how she got in there… Yelana?

Very nice.. now lean with it…

Ahhh, interesting, but only average.  Maybe she needs to be glammed up a bit:

Better, but still unimpressive.  Hey, mid post, I’ve reversed myself.  Not only is this babe not UvT quality, but now I finally know how Pac felt on “Hit Em Up” when he pronounced, “I don’t even know why I’m on this mufuckin track,” because this chick is scarcely post worthy.  To cleanse my palate let me lace up one of Yannick Noah’s ladies of yore, Heather Stewart Whyte, his second wife.

Now she was/is Euro-flow, Bolivian Marching Powder, celery for breakfast, lunch and dinner hot.  Sheeeeiit, she was even Maxim ugly American hot…

Hell, she’s even got some Not Safe For Work street cred right here.  I like it.  Sheeeeit, Heather saved my post.  Can’t have the “you’re ho game is weak” boo birds blowing up my celly like last week. 

– Lake

Jenna Bush Tied that Knot

May 13, 2008

I know I’m crazy late but I would be completely remiss if I didn’t comment on Jenna Bush’s wedding (shouts to Will) over the weekend. Now I can’t lie, typically my reaction to those aesthetically unappealing Bush babes looks something like this:

Though I do find that look in Babs’ eye somewhat appealing in this pic. But even I must say, after that wedding day diet plan, Jenna looked her best on Saturday.

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So lovely. And look, she even took a picture in front of the tree her ancestors hung their naughty slaves from. How quaint. I don’t know, just seeing my little Jenna like this almost brings a tear to my eye. I remember her back in such a more simpler time.

Nah, I’m not talking about that. I’m was thinking of this:

“Babs, I think I just pissed myself, again….Haaaaa”

Ah yes, All American gals. It kind of makes you wonder, what with those TWO CRIMINAL MISDEMEANORS Jenna has on her record and all, whether she didn’t get caught snorting cocaine just like her dad back in the day.

Oh well. We’ll put that all behind us, right? I mean, how bad can a coke head President be for the country anyhow? Anyway, none of that matters now because we can all take heart in the fact that Jenna and Henry Hagar love each other for all the right reasons.

I’ll give them 9 years (and two kids) until it goes bad. After all, you’ve got to keep up appearances.

– Lake

Mary Ann Loves That Mary Jane

March 11, 2008

 This post is going to need a theme song.  Click this before reading on:

Awwww, come here girl…

Now where was I?  Oh yeah, Mary Ann from Gilligan’s Island got arrested for marijuana possession.

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You know Mary Ann..always the “smart girl” to Ginger’s “pretty girl”, part of the eternal debate of “who’s hotter, Ginger or Mary Ann?”.  For anyone who doesn’t know, here’s Ginger.

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She definitely was keeping it 60’s sexy right there.  Anyway, now we’ve got lots of answers.  If we never found out how they got off the island, we definitely know how they got off on the island.  Mary Ann was packing that cheeba in coconuts and blazing between takes.  Hell, as far as I’m concerned we know who is hotter now too.  Who do you want, the chick that looks good, or the babe bringing a few dime bags to the party?

Hell, you know if ole girl is still blazing at 69 years old, she was a straight freak back when she was 26 and every white boy with a TV’s dream.

Hey Eliot…uhhhhh, Client 9, Mary Ann is about 5″5′, 105, brunette…just like you like ’em.  You tryin’ to holla?

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Gotta think about it?  I feel you.

-Brock

Andy Pettitte is a stankin’ cheater

February 21, 2008

Hey, what’s up with these idiots in the NY media acting like Andy Pettitte was courageous for admitting to his HGH use?

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First off, in the past he always lied about his illegal HGH use. Then he lied about how many times he used it. The only reason why he copped to what he did was because McNamme fingered him. And how do we know that he didn’t use other drugs? He lied before, why not lie again? Come on.

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This idiot Tom Friend buried Barry Bonds, but now he’s saying he doesn’t consider Pettitte a cheater? Oh, I get it.

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I can’t tell what’s wilder about this pic, the fact that Mrs. C. HGH’d up and got rock hard or the way she’s griping up on that ‘Roided up dack.  lol.

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Now I get how these media types work, if you like the guy and can identify with him, he’s not a cheater, even when he admitted to illegal drug use. If you think the dude isn’t a nice guy and you can’t identify with him, then he’s a liar and a cheater. I love the Sports Media. A bunch of hypocritical hacks who couldn’t make it in the legitimate news biz but now allow their own personal biases and prejudices completely taint all semblance of integrity in their reporting.

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I know, I know, you’re paid to have an opinion and just are doing your job. I know. Ridiculous.

– Lake

Mac says Clemens’ wife was on the juice too!

February 11, 2008

Now see, Roger Clemens probably should have slowed his roll when he tricked Brian MacNamee with that tape recording, only to play it at a press conference. You might not want to fuck with a cat like that when he’s got dirt on you AND your wife, Debbie Clemens, who MacNamee claims he shot up in the ass with HGH before this Sports Illustrated photoshoot.

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Come on. I mean, is anyone shocked that the Rocket and his wife are both juicers? Hey, at least now we understand what that dropped call was really about.

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“Hey honey, pick me up a loaf of Sourdough, some feminine wash and a couple cc’s of Brian’s best HGH, I’ve got a butt naked Sports Illustrated shoot and I must look my best.”

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Look, I don’t care what anybody says, a grown ass woman of 42 with 4 monster sons ranging in age from 13 to 20 should not have abs like Chyna from the WWE.

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Hell, even Chyna shouldn’t have abs like Chyna. WTF? Does anyone have a doubt that this is all true? It’s not like this guy is telling this stuff to a few or the fellas over some hippie lettuce in a back room, he’s telling this to United State Congressmen!!!!

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Hmm, fake hair color, check, fake tan, check, fake boobs, chizzeck, fake ass husband, check, hey, why not just fake it all. FAKE BODY DUE TO MASSIVE AMOUNTS OF ROIDS AND HGH….CHECK! Like Chris Rock said, everything about you is a lie. Hilarious stuff, I can’t wait for Wednesday for that public hearing….talk about Tivo worthy…Jeez.

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Damn, now see, this is getting ugly. Forget the gloves coming off, these cats are at each other with knives and we aren’t even close to a conclusion. What more could go wrong for ole Rocket? Nobody believes him as is.. I mean, what’s next? Is Andy Pettitte going to produce that Rocket and Debbie Clemens sex tape with Mariano Rivera ahem, coming in for relief? Argh.. sordid man. I feel dirty.

Go Sox

– Lake

She finally took dat azz to rehab..yes, yes, yes

January 24, 2008

After being recorded lighting up the glass dizzick and tooting the boogar sugar Amy Winehouse has finally checked her skinny ass into rehab.

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Hopefully they’ll have burgers up in there. Forget methodone, get that chick a Royal with Cheese.

– Lake