Bill Belichick Sex Tape? Oh Hail No.

I know we have a strict never actually watch the sex tape policy here.  Of course we are obligated to report what’s out there.  But this time I’m not going to need any self restraint to avoid this one.  There is a rumor out there that Bill Belichick, coach of the almost undefeated New England Patriots has a sex tape.  Aw naw.

Look we already know Bill is down with the videotape.  No wonder the spygate tapes got destroyed so damn quickly.  Bill wasn’t just taping the other team’s plays, he was also showing how to control the backfield, go long, run the offense through the tight end, use his ball control technique.  My bad, that last one was too much.

Here’s the wild part.  The sextape is alledgedly with the married woman that he had the affair with.  Okay, let’s go over player rule number one.  If you are going to do the double dirty move, cheating on your wife with a married woman…you don’t even roll out to a place that can be traced back to you, much less videotaping the damn thing. I mean you are supposed to be checking into a hotel with a false name, going through the connecting door, climbing out on the balcony and wearing a mask.

Speaking of what he’s wearing, does he rock the hoodie in the tape?

Now we know why he chops off the sleeves.  Although I now wonder what he keeps in the pocket.

Who is the babe anyway.  I don’t want to see it at all, but I certainly don’t want to see old people hunchin’, just rollin’ and foldin’ and awwwwwww.  Let’s peep Sharon Shenocca.

Well damn Bill…you get a hail yeah on that one right there.  My older babe game ain’t too tight, but if I had to guess, that’s gotta be top shelf.

Touchdown.

-Brock

Perfect: A-Rod v. Madonna Sex Tape

Only something this intriguing could motivate me to actually do my job this morning.  Oh yes, if you believe the reports, that Madonna and A-Rod sex tape (how crazy does that sound) is officially being shopped by some voyeur slug for a cool $2mil as we speak.

What’s crazy is that at this point Madonna really isn’t any better looking than Alex’s old lady C-Rod.  So I can’t quite understand what he’s thinking.

I know, I know, that face is looking a bit battered and beaten.  Why are we so critical of our women, our queens these days?  And before you accuse ole girl of getting her Skeletor meets the Crypt Keeper on, don’t forget that at this point Madonna is literally looking like an extra bright light version of Castle Greyskull:

Jeez!  It’s like old girl is hooking up nuclear cold fusion in her bicep or at least I think that’s a bicep.  lol  Seriously?  Have you EVER seen someone more befitting of the title of Skeletor than this broad?

A major part of skeletor’s power was that you couldn’t tell if he was rocking muscle on top of super skrong skeleton or exoskeleton on top of super krunk muscle.  And now I ask you, can you tell if Madonna is rocking skeleton on top of muscle or muscle on top of skeleton?

It aint right.  And I know you need to eat 5 to 7 meals a day to get those cuts, so might I suggest that Madonna eat 1 very large lard infused meal a day to attempt to return to normalcy?

And make no mistake about it, Madonna was RIGHT back in her NSFW hitchiking days.

Dude, is it just me or is Alex kind of missing the boat here?  I mean, if the old saying is true that when you have sex with someone you’re having sex with ALL their past sexual partners (and their sexual partners, but I won’t go there) then by my count, and this is just a cat sitting at a pc, A-Rod is banging out Dennis Rodman, Sean Penn, Warren Beatty, a wild bisexual porn star named Tony Ward, VANILLA ICE and a list of personal trainers, dancers, rappers, musicians and actors!  Seriously, can you think of any single female celebrity that you’d put more bodies on than Madonna?  And let’s be clear, though it hasn’t been reported, she did have sex with a wild Pauly Shore, Theo Huxtable and a cat like oh I don’t know The Ultimate Warrior, too.

But I guess when you’ve got a babe who is an international superstar and has been for decades (yikes) even a dude like A-Rod can get those groupie love puppy dog beer goggle eyes going and lose his mind for a clean 5 months or so.

True, I don’t get it either.  Honestly, and I haven’t said this about ANY other Sex Tape that’s come across my desk, but I think this is one tape I’ll have to completely sit out.  And why?  This is why:

Does it get any worse?  Sure, I’d like to see if Madonna can back up all her swagger (more likely than not she can), but something about seeing his A-Rod doesn’t sit right with me.  I don’t know, male genitalia is always nasty, but A-Rod with his purple lipstick, frosted hair and Miami perma-tan just weirds me out.  Then you pair that with Madonna’s middle earth, ash rock skin tone, it’s just unseemly.

– Lake

OH MY WORD: Ashley Dupre Sex Tape

Dude, usually I’ll tell you that I don’t see these things, but some rat bastard hit me with a “look at this” link and I just went there, foolishly, and this is what I found:

Homey, all I can say is that Eliot Spitzer knew EXACTLY what he was doing when he got a 7 diamond, 8 star, 6 out of 6 turned around baseball cap level whore.

Dog, I feel like I just saw a ghost.  All I can say about this chick is that if you took a vial of pure sex and somehow morphed it into a fleshy form with enough brain to dance around and hit, that’d be THIS chick.  Link is definitely NSFW and it’s definitely right here.

There’s that sideways hat again. lol  Maaaaaaayne, I think Eliot should run for reelection in NY.  After cats see this joint, they won’t be able to fault the man.

I mean, lord help us, what do yall expect the cat to do, NOT hit that?

Wow.

– Lake

VH1’s I Love Money, Season Premiere

Here we go again… From the makers of Flavors of Love 1, 2 and 3, I Love New York 1 and 2, Charm School (clearly we only needed one of those), Rock of Love 1 and 2 (the only show in the bunch I didn’t watch) and A Shot at Love with Tila Tequila 1 and 2 we now have I Love Money.

Look, we all know the deal with these shows. It’s a bunch of Hollywood rejects willing to subject themselves to almost any level of humiliation for a chance at some face time and hopefully their own show. so that they can ultimately get spit out the bottom of the porn industry

errrr flip their newfound success into real showbiz careers.

And we all know that aint gonna happen. So what did they do? Of course, they just kept it real and copied those completely played and similarly sad, though less comical, Real World/Road Rules spin-offs.. You know the Gauntlet, Crucible, Inferno (whatever, though quietly, that new Real World/Road Rules Survivor rip off looks like it has potential) and made the show strictly about money.

Fair enough. So then it’s just a matter of who was on the show. Well you know it wouldn’t be a show without some eye candy. So they brought in Hoopz, which I respect.

And please peep those Hoopz NSFW HERE at your leisure.

And that chick from Beauty and the Geek/Rock of Love Fame:

Don’t know her name and clearly I don’t care. But I’d be lying if I told you she didn’t have that white girl thunder. Incidentally, here are her NSFW (I’m seeing a trend here) Playboy shots. Actually, this chick’s body is what only Brooke Hogan can see when she looks at herself in the mirror. The rest of us see a version of this:

Ha… I know, I know, I just talked Jim Carrey the ‘nother day. Keeping it simple. Sadly, that’s the only real eye candy on the show. And even the skanks lost their limited skank appeal. Sheeeeit, Pumkin looks like she done set out to actually become her namesake.

I mean, homegirl is plump. Anyway, at least they came back with the Stallionaires…which is still one of the worst and best rap group names in all of history. Haaa.

Oh yeah, Chance and Real are back and yes, their album is still “about to come out.”

“Yuckmouth, cuz he don’t brush..” Then you had the usual suspects. Mr. Boston’s unfunny ass. Whiteboy, who should get an Emmy for that ridiculous “based on an untrue story” role he’s playing as a down ass white dude. I know, I know.. ha

Anyway, after that you’ve got an assortment of douchebags (and please don’t take that characterization lightly, I RARELY use that term, but it’s oh so true for this show), trashy hoes and general misfits like that broke ass Bushwick Bill lookin cat Midget Mack, who incidentally got checked the fuck off the show the first night.

Nice. I spoke to Brock about Episode 1 and all in all, it left us a bit underwhelmed. But it’s got potential. I’m just waiting for 12 Pack and his little sidekick there 5 Pack aka Heat (lol) to get up on some gay shit so that we can really set the party off.

I’m also looking for that damn Nibblz to bang some dude out, seeing as she’s a full-time dominatrix (her exact words) and all. Dominatrix? Don’t you mean ho? Oh yes, I’ll be glued to my tv, a least for one more episode.

Oh and it just wouldn’t be right if I didn’t mention all those folks that are missing from the cast. First off, where’s Buckeey.

You gotta have her, especially after that great sex tape I never saw. Also, where is that Gentleman Punk? I thought he was busy trying to show positive images on gutter reality tv….

One spiked strand of moused out hair at a time.

And why couldn’t we get some Buddah back on set. We definitely needed some more of his antics.

Maybe he would have whooped some more ass, something I always appreciate. Oh well, I guess you can’t have it all. Hell, maybe some of these fools actually got their lives together and have moved on to better things….nah. ha

Stallionaires baby…book it.

– Lake

Mini Me Sex Tape Partner Exposed!

I promised more on the Mini Me Sex Tape starring Verne “Mini Me” Troyer and Ho trying to get on in Hollywood by any means necessary.

Well, that ho has finally been identified. Meet Mini Me’s ex, 22-year-old aspiring model/actress Ranae Shrider.

LOL. Alright now Mini Me. I can’t hate on that….not at all. I mean, while that face “reminds me of my jeep” and not in a good way, that stomach is screaming “honey love”. I like it. Let me get angle two please:

Errr, my bad. The REAL angle two, dammit. I hate when that happens.

Haaa… Dude, is everyone else tickled pink like I am with this broad? I mean, MINI ME?! I know it’s hard for women to get that come up in the world today, but this babe had to resort to fucking Verne Troyer aka Mini Me? What, Emanuel Lewis wasn’t available?

I mean, what, Gary Coleman can’t have some?

I mean, dude… I gotta get out to LA. For real. If this is what it’s like and the dating scene, I should be wrapping up Halle Berry by mid July . I mean, sure, Ranae isn’t a hot babe, but it’s not like she aint hittable either. Come on now…. Cats have hit faaaaar worse. ha And even if you accept that she’s a low level, let’s say, D- chick in the land of plenty that is LA, imagine the kind of arse that’s available at higher levels. SHE’S FUCKING A NOTORIOUS MIDGET with a built in punchline for a name.

LOL. Apparently she finds it hilarious too. And she still “lives” with the cat. I guess “work” is real hard to come by out there. And now we can all just sit back and wait for the release of the tape, followed by her new reality show with Mini Me. I mean why not, right? Who knows what kind of freaky shit goes on in that household.

I mean, even the dog can’t believe this shit. Dogs, midgets, low budget hoes err models fucking Z list “stars” for rental space. I gotta get out to LA and fast.

Definitely my kind of place. Was it just me or did this chick get progressively worse looking as this post went on. Ha.

– Lake

Not the Sex Tape I Was Hoping For

I’ve been out of pocket and completely off key as I’ve been preparing to leave Boston. Yep, I know, I know, I’m getting tired of all those Championships. Don’t get too cute with it, I’m really only partial to the Red Sox at this point. Anyway, I’ve been knee deep in movers, cleaners, rental agreements, management contracts and of course, going away partying so I’ve been a bit MIA on the UvT front. It’s all good though, Brock has been holding it down. And yes, I can work a middle tier sammich, some creamed spinach, a coke and a fine German automobile all at once, even with a hungry bulldog riding shotgun 8 inches away. Come on now. I’m 1/4 German on my sister’s side.

I can drive the whip with my mind at this point, so you know when I roll out with my knee at the controls it’s all good. But anyway, I just haven’t really been in a position to write, in fact, I’m really bullshitting right now and shouldn’t even be doing this, but I just had to send a shout out in the negative to the Sex Tape gods. I mean, I asked for that good Jessica Biel Sex Tape, hell, even that R. Kelly, “I guess she wasn’t underage remix” Sex Tape. Or how about that Pre and Post “Gelly Butt” Lola Luv Sex Tape double play joint? But the gods didn’t give me that did they, no, they offer Lakey the Mini Me Sex Tape instead. Curses! Lol.

Holy shit! Haaaaaaaa. Come on man. I mean, first off, what is ole Verne Troyer trying to prove in this shot with that tongue extension? Head looking like an oil well pump. I’ll just leave it at that. And we all know that I’m the King of Reality TV, so you know I watched the Surreal Life with Verne aka Mini me. Dude couldn’t even walk on the show, so how in the hell is he going to knock down a full sized woman?

And let’s focus on that woman for a second.

I can see banging out a cat because he’s a gimmicky “movie star”. I mean, let’s face it, some of yall let dudes hit for far less. I knew a cat who faithfully tagged based on an employer issued unlimited subway pass. I don’t know, maybe she’s money hungry or maybe she’s a fame seeker. Who knows, maybe she’s just a freak. But you cannot let Mini Me break out his Mini He and lay the lumber to you on tape!!! You just can’t do it. I think I mean, that was one of those lost commandments within the original ten. “Thou Shalt Not Ever…Neva, eva, eva, evaaaaaaaah, have sexeth with a Minus Me and let thine freak nastiness see the light of day I so graciously provided unto you”.. Right? I mean, you can’t do it. I literally can’t be done. Terrible. And by terrible, I mean I’ll have the link for you as soon as I get it. More later.

Shouts to Kir, second nominee for UvT Woman of the Year.

– Lake

New Kind of “Flavor” of Love: Buckeey Sex Tape

Wow, new evidence that the Sex Tape Gods are good.

Remember a few weeks ago when I asked for the gods to bring me a new sex tape? Then remember how I professed my guilty admiration for Shay “Buckeey” Johnson, not once, but twice? Sure you do.

Well, once I came back from my crawfish extravaganza over Memorial Day Weekend I woke up to glorious tales of Buckeey Sex Tapes. I did a quick search and *bang* there it was! And oh yes, IT WAS the Buck-meister herself, showing some skills that certainly can pay her billz. And even better, the dirty deeds all went down to some hilarious and appropriate “Jaws” inspired music. I mean, on the rizzeal, peep that NSFW video right HERE or check out the far less inspiring but completely NSFW still shots right here.

Daaaamn. Can I ask, what’s up with women and that “I just got F’d” look yall get. I mean, if I showed you the above pic and you were mildly familiar with getting some arse, you’d know for certain that someone was just getting deep on this broad. Anyway, I appreciate the effort Shay put into this venture, in fact, I think she should quite whatever career she now proclaims to have and just concentrate on big belly dude sex tapes. And don’t get me wrong, I know mostchicks can handle their basic biz in the bedroom, but it’s just nice to get some confirmation that they definitely can (or in Kim Kardashian’s case, can’t) too. I also appreciated the full on post mic check and back-shot “press conference” where she hooked up the completely gratuitous: “Yes, he just nutted all over me” commentary.

Damn, the blog readers may want to rethink their position on chicken headz, baby mamas, video hoes and gold diggers. Now I see why cats kick it with these broads. I mean, that was like watching Miss New Booty, only better.

Now I’ll need to ax the sex tape gods for that Flavor of Love 3 chick “Black’s” sex tape.

Wow, do yall see that hook on picture two? Jeez, she’s got some thangs going on! I mean, baby girl has a body that won’t quit and anyone that dated TO is alright with me as long as she’s a woman (am I the only one who thinks TO might be a bit suspect?).

Also, I mean, come on. A white girl named “Black;” it just doesn’t get any better than that. Sex Tape Gods, I beseech you, bring me more video and reality hizzies unto me: ooooooooohhhhmmmmm…..

– Lake

————UPDATE——————-

Damn Lake. I thought you never watched. All the previous joints were tapes “you heard about from a guy, to said he might have seen it, and said that if you click here you might be able to go see what I’m talking about.” But I guess Buckeey brought you straight to the raw uncut, huh? Hey, I understand. Aside from Hoopz and the new Ms. Black she’s definitely one of the baddest Flavor of Love chicks out there.

Now wasn’t there a rumor that UvT favorite Andre 3000 was hitting that back in the day? I’m sure he knew nothing about this tape. Andre, did you hit it?

You damn right he hit it…and he’d do it again. Don’t let the gear and interpretational singing fool you. Andre is still straight ATL when he needs to be. The best thing about this tape? All the other tapes are always some dumb shit the chick did years ago before they knew they were going to blow up, or from when “they were in love”…this joint looks like it could have been recorded last week. Great.

-Brock

New Sex Tape: Marilyn Monroe?

Lake is the resident expert on sex tapes here at UvT, but I couldn’t let this one go. First there was the Gene Simmons, then there was Jimi Hendrix, then there was the hope that Barbara Walters didn’t have a sex tape…now this. Some big time hardcore freak memorabilia collector named Keya Morgan just bought the only copy of a Marilyn Monroe sextape for $1.5 Million dollars.

Damn. Marilyn might have been working with something there. You can tell by that tippy toe shes rocking over there on the left. So the tape shows Marilyn with some unknown man busting out 15 minutes of old school 1950’s head.

Known freak and psycho J. Edgar Hoover supposedly “reviewed” the tape for two weeks straight trying to discover who the man in the tape was. Hoover wanted to prove that JFK got down with the original version of Bill Clinton’s banana..uhhhhh…cigar in the tailpipe.

Come on now. You know President JFK was too smooth to get head on camera. Billy Clint didn’t even go that far. Supposedly, Joe Dimaggio tried to buy the tape back in the day for $25,000 just to destroy it.

You know Joe got him some too though…

Here’s my question. Who was making sex tapes back in the 1950’s. Do you know how hard it must have been to get that thing set up so it could be taped? Seriously, look at this thing.

Where do you set this thing up? I thought the cameras of the mid 90’s were tough to set up for the secret video tapes, and that was with a pretty small handheld camera and mini tapes. You have to set up a reel of film and plug this thing in with that brrrrrrrbbbbbbbbbbb-fap-fap-fap sound slapping around in the background. Then where do you watch it?

Well whoever it was, they got one of the biggest bombshells in American History giving a 15 minute bj on video tape? That’s pimpin’ right there. Doesn’t this just guarantee that there is a Lindsay Lohan, a Britney Spears, Alyssa Milano, and every body damn else sex tape out there? Will it still be interesting in 2048?

-Brock

Lindsay Lohan’s Sex Tape Sucks

Yeah yeah, I know I didn’t post the still shot of the alleged Lindsay Lohan sex tape when it first came out.

I took one look at that cell phone generated picture and just knew it was pretty much garbage.

Oddly enough, I also took one look at the picture and instantly knew it was authentically Lindsay. I’m not sure why. Perhaps it’s the way her weave is cascading off her head… Maybe it was the fact that this shot requires a third person in the room with a cheap ass, bootleg Razor “filming” the action, another hallmark, in my experience, of Ms. Lo-han. Anyway, it just looks like her. Concavely bent over, getting after it… We all know Lindsay’s a freak. And while I’ll admit that she isn’t think, she’s still pretty classy…..if you compare her to Ashley Alexandra Dupre.

Sex tape gods, bring me something better… I don’t work like this. Oh and here’s the NSFW barely visible real deal shot of Lindsay’s alleged mic check. Next.

– Lake

Sex Tape and the City

UPDATE:  Check out what Kristin’s camp has to say about the alleged sex tape and get the link for the new pictures right HERE.

Anyone who watched “Sex and The City” knows that at times, Charlotte was pretty much a hizzoe.

She’s working that dress though.

Remember during the first episode when she was propositioned about whether she’d give up the back door with her only reasonable objection coming in the form of “I’m not a hole, what is this, I went to Smith!”…. Exactly. Smith indeed, which is why ole boy was trying to go back door because he knows how wild those all girls school chicks can be (Wellesley, we see ya)! What about the time she was that terrible rock star’s groupie? I think he hit in the limo or something, right?

Damn, I guess Kristin Davis isn’t Charlotte, because C would have never given up the see-through J with the spread leg to boot. Wow, I really liked that more than I thought I would.

Anyway, Charlotte was the most prim and proper babe within the crew, but on the low, she was also the biggest freak. Who could forget, after all, that true-to-life and painted to scale cavernous vagina artwork ole boy hooked up in honor of her. Anyway, Kristin Davis always said that she was much wilder and free-spirited than Charlotte. Well, clearly she wasn’t lying because just in time for the pub surrounding the Sex and The City Movie is the pub around this Kristin Davis aka Charlotte York sex tape! And from the looks of if, Schooner (also known as the world’s worst phallic symbol) isn’t even bothering to worry about Rebecca (shouts to Be On It). Check out this alleged screen cap from the tape that’s supposedly being shopped around right now:

Daaaaayum homey. And yes, you’re seeing precisely what you think you’re seeing. And if you want to get real deal uncensored, NSFW joint, you know Lake n Bake has it. Aint peeped it myself of course, don’t recommend you do, but it’s right HERE in case you feel like you just gotta get that real deal peep for yourself. And supposedly there are more screencaps coming right HERE.

I know, I know, it’s not Kristin, just a babe who looks EXACTLY like her. Hey, in my estimation, at least 50% of these Hollywood stars have a sex tape out there somewhere, why not Charlotte?

Damn, didn’t know Ms. McDougal could bring it like that. Now see, this is a perfect example of why women don’t need to upgrade that J into a higher cup. Just work what you got and everything will blend in perfectly. Kristin looks great by the way and Trey couldn’t hit…terrible.

Besides, on account that she was by far the most hittable chick within the group, I choose to believe this tape is authentic until I learn otherwise. I can only assume that the hottness disparity is even more stark now that the Golden Girls have been on the shelf for a clean 5 or so years. Let’s face it, they were getting a bit long in the tooth even back when…

I know, I know, what kind of man watches Sex and The City, but talks tough on all these other topics? I’ll tell you who, the kind of dude who has range and thus, has consistently been able to target and slay assorted tail since cats referred to it as “hittin skins” back in the days of yore…that’s who.

– Lake