Tim Tebow Will Be The Greatest Quarterback Ever!

At least if Lake’s unified theory of Sports Wives and Girlfriends (WAG’s) holds up. If you are new here, Lake has put together evidence that a professional athletes performance directly correlates to the hotness of their Wife and or girlfriend.

Take a look at who Tim Tebow plays two-hand touch with after the games.

Oh my goodness. You know I’m an assologist, so this isn’t usually the pool I swim in, but as Ali G says…respeck.

I gotta catch another angle on this.

Young lady, I think you may be big Ms. Bossy and I don’t think that little drawings hands are supposed to be so far apart. Cute girl though. Interns, can you do any better. Full body shot maybe?

Well wait a got damn minute here. She’s thick in the thigh with dubs on high? Is that back ass cheek trying to explode up out the back? Dammit Tim, you better wife this chick. You will be a lock for the hall of fame. This young lady might make the hall of fame on this ummmm, body of work, alone.

Lake is going to lose his mind when he sees this.

Shout to Will in the comments for putting us up on this one.

-Brock

===============Update==========

Damn, Timmy T has that babe on his team? Wow. I can’t lie, she’s pretty dope. But you know how those healthy types can be. Maybe it’s just me, but I would guess she’s a clean 15 pounds heavier in picture one than she is in picture two and picture three she’s looking like Whitney from the current cycle of America’s Next Top Model.  And while the Hot Wag = Hot Performance on the field principle always holds up, he may want to put ole girl on a program to preempt that natural thickening agent known as TIME before that super thick top game turns into an Omega Moo special.

Now I know Timmy is a “Christian man”, but based on this Heisman, ole girl must be doing something right.

– Lake

Irony Defined: Carmelo Anthony’s new Nike commercial

Have you seen Carmelo’s new Nike Commercial?

Now I like the guy, and he is a beast on the court. But I know good and well Carmelo is not hitting the weight room. He definitely isn’t on some old Rocky type dragging bricks workout.

Look at that dude’s arms. Has he ever seen the weight room? The kid still has the babyface. He’s a great player because he is just better. He’s 6’8″ with speed and hops. The dude barely looks like he’s trying out there, but he’s still killing cats.

Even Allen Iverson is more diesel than that dude and he only weighs a buck sixty-five.

Flex on em AI.

On the upside, Melo did wife up La La. Is she hot?

Iiiiiontknoow homey. I’m gonna need to get a few more angles on that. But it ain’t lookin’ good. She’s no Ananda. She’s also no Free. She’s got Rocsi though.

-Brock

Juanita Jordan: I get money, I get money, I get I get I get…

Wow. Big bad Juanita Jordan just got that divorce check, a reported $168 Million, from here “husband” of 17 years Mike.

(By the way, that look on her face aint that “Nilla please,” but it does correspond with my favorite cereal)

Hmm, I wonder why this happy couple had to split?

And in case you were wondering, no, there was no prenuptial agreement. Damn, I guess sitting back while your husband runs hoes from Tokyo to Tennessee has its advantages after all.

And of course, this just in, Juanita has herself a 29 year old boyfriend. Of course she does. Taking notes from Shaunie O’Neal I see. I wonder if he was her “personal trainer” too? Lol. Hey, look at it this way Mike… It could have been worse. Juanita could have asked for her loot in Euros, like you used to. Overall, this is just embarrassing and really, hard for me to put into words. I’ve found that when I’ve had a rather large sum of my lootchy taken by a scornful woman, I try to express myself through song. So here it is, my ode to Michael and Juanita (Juanita?) Jordan Mixtape:

Side A – Juanita’s muse

1. I Get Money, 50 Cent
2. Wanted: Dead or Alive, Bon Jovi
3. Money in the Bank, Lil Scrappy
4. Gimme That, Chris Brown
5. Must Be The Money, Deion Sanders
6. How to Rob, 50 Cent
7. It’s Beginning to Look a lot like Christmas, Perry Como
8. Love Under New Management, Miki Howard
9. Bitch Better Have My Money, AMG
10. Dick in a Box, Justin Timberlake
11. Hit Em Up, 2Pac
12. The Takeover, Jay Z

Side B – Michael’s side

1. Cheaper to Keep Her, Johnnie Taylor
2. B*tches Aint Shit, Dr. Dre
3. She’s Out of My Life (Happy Techno Mash up), Michael Jackson
4. Since You’ve Been Gone, Kelly Clarkson
5. Don’t Taze Me Bro Interlude, Idiot UF Student
6. I Feel Like Dying, Lil Wayne
7. When a Woman’s Fed up, R. Kelly
8. “Tittay Tittay” Probate Step Out Song, Que Psi Phi Fraternity, Inc.
9. Gold Digger, Kanye West
10. Wasn’t Me, Shaggy
11. Super Ugly, Jay Z
12. What is Love, Baby Don’t hurt me, Haddaway

I’m not satisfied with my tape, but I’ll be changing it as the tunes come to me. One thing is for sure, Mike will be ok. Can somebody tell me why Mike put Juanita down to begin with? I’ve looked all over the web and this is the best picture of the chick I could find.

Damn, I know casts used to really did that Appolonia/Sheila E tip, but damn… Seems like ole boy could have done a bit better, no? Damn, what’s going on in the NBA wives club? First Shaunie is living la vida loca, then Jason Kidd’s wife gets him for his loot cakes, now this.. AI, watch your back son, you’re next!

“Did Tawanna tell you that?”

– Lake

Are you ready for some Football? Wives and Girlfriends that is…

In honor of the first games of the 2007 NFL season, please take a moment to peep the NFL wives and girlfriends in anticipation of how these dudes will perform in the coming season. As always it is our position at the UvT Sports that you can positively predict how an athlete will perform based solely on the quality of his choice in lady. There are some glaring exceptions of course, Kobe comes to mind, but overall, it pretty much holds true.

1. Thomas Jones – Meagan Good

Let me just start by saying good guy Thomas Jones got a new start in NY with the Jets which is a good thing for his career since he doesn’t have to worry about Cedric Benson taking his shine. You know what else is a good thing, his lady Meagan Good in this see through black top:

(she knew what she was doing when she pulled that shirt down tight for the camera man)

Thomas, you gotta smile more for me bro. You are the man and I’m looking for BIG things from you based on Meg’s picture alone. Hot Dammit!

2. Ronde Barber

Ronde is a solid vet on a decent team in Tampa Bay. He’s got a Superbowl ring on his finger and regularly makes the pro-bowl. So why exactly is he married to Claudia Barber again?

Hey, I aint saying she’s not attractive, she is.. it’s just, Tiki went with the Asian invasion and so too did ole Ronde? What’s wrong fellas, sistahs just don’t do it for ya? Again, why do the “speak so well” brothas always have to go this way? Bryant Gumbel, Tiger Woods, that damn scarecrow brained prenup sucker Michael Strahan (hey Mike, the Prenup is supposed to be for your benefit, not HERS!!!!).. But all I’m saying to these cats is hey enjoy your life and do what you want, but try not to be so damn stereotypical. Ok? Moving on…

3. Jeff Garcia

Jeff “Garcier” joins Ronde Barber’s Tampa Bay Bucs team hopefully as an upgrade over that bum Chris Simms. Jeff proved that “Garcia” isn’t just a name for him with his caliente choice of a wife, Carmella DeCesare, the 2004 Playboy Playmate of the Year (take a bow…Jeff).

Now I know what you haters are thinking. You’re gonna hit me with that Randy Jackson luke warm love, “Lakey, she’s just ok for me dog. But I’m not all that impressed.” Oh really, peep these shots of ole girl sans Jeffery.

Yo, she’s got that Noelia look in her eye and you know what, I believe her.

Wow. There were rumors back in the day, thanks to TO, that Jeff was gay.. Um, if this is how gay cats rock it then maybe that hypocrite Larry Craig is really onto something. I mean, my word, what a hell of a cover-up for his supposed gay lifestyle. Arriba!

And of course there are more. For those of you who enjoy more ahem candid portraits there are a bevy of nude shots of Jeff Garcia’s wife, Carmelia DeCesare, that can be found HERE that I won’t post directly to our site. Of course, I haven’t looked at them either…I’m too classy for that.

4. Kurt Warner

Ummm, I don’t really know what to say about Kurt. His wife, well. She’s.. Seasoned is the word that comes to mind. Let me just show her to you:

Awwwww, come on homey. I mean, look. I’m not here to hate (well, just a little) but you just gotta come with something more than this with your wife piece. I’m sorry. This makes Brady Quinn’s lady look like Giselle or something. My word, at least Kurt’s lady lost some weight since her days on the Brady Bunch.

Kurt, for real. Look at Jeff Garcia’s lady and then look at yours. And you wonder why he’s starting in Tampa while you’re backing up Matt Leinart? UGLY!!!

I can’t do this no mo… I really just wanted to post that pic of Meagan Good and got carried away.. Oh well, I’m verbose, what can I say.

– Lake

Cat fight: Tiki Barber v. Eli Manning and the impact of their ladies

And you wonder why the Giants have underachieved in the past years.

They’ve got no stones!!! Former New York Giants teammates Tiki Barber and Eli Manning exchanged “barbs” over the past few days over comments Tiki Barber, a current NBC football analyst, made which criticized Eli’s leadership and assertiveness. He further described Eli’s ability to run team meetings as “comical at times”. Well, well, well. Eli didn’t like that and he blasted back with this:

“It’s just one of those deals. I’m not going to lose any sleep about what Tiki has to say, I guess I could have questioned his leadership skills last year with calling out the coach and having articles about him retiring in the middle of the season [because] he lost the heart [to play].”

Huh? That’s the smack yall? Um, can someone please call up my boy Ocho Cinco in Cincy or maybe Terrell Owens in Dallas.. hell, I’d even take a Donovan McNabb, “keep my name out yo’ mouth, keep my family’s name out your mouth” blast right about now. These cats are pathetic and I think I know why. Yep, it’s weak chick karma. I mean, look at Tiki’s selection in lady:

(awww, why does the “articulate” brother often have to go this way? Dammit Tiki!!! No disrespect homey, I’m sure your wife, Ginny Cha (seriously), is a sweet lady)

And then let’s contrast that against Eli’s woman:

(Hey, nothing against her, but this is just boring man! I much prefer this blond and Eli together)

This is what I’m saying, now look at their selection in lady and then look at the results they got. Then contrast that against proven winners in the NFL. I give you Jerome Bettis an his lovely wife, Trameka (yes, really):

(One for the thumb homey.. good work)

And of course, the gold standard in NFL chick karma turning into production on the field, my main mahn (Ali G finger snap) Tom Brady and his plethora of solid bangers:

(Love ya T and yes, Bridget is looking right in this picture..nice)

Bottom line, Eli and the Giants are doomed. They need to get their chick game up and then maybe they can get those wins up. You just wait and see, this will be another sub par year for young Not Peyton Manning. I mean, even their receivers are chick stricken, peep Amani Toomer:

(awww, homey… If you’re gonna go that way, you gotta go strong like Paul Pierce.

We all know what he’s about and really can’t hate)

Awwwwww, need I say more? Out.

-Low Lake and loving it.

==============UPDATE=====================

All you semi hatin, fully hatin and just started to talk some shit as soon as your team won Giants fans out there, peep Lake’s take on your Superbowl victory. Hey, we can’t see Eli’s lady from the neck down, so that would explain how he was able to man up and get it done. Make no mistake though, the theory is fool proof. Hot chick, great performance. So either she’s sittin on dubbs with the Kim Kardashian ass with the hollywood blondie rack or Eli is banging out a stripper from Scores or both.  I can’t find all of them, but I’m assuming Plaxico’s hoes are A+, thereby outsetting Amani Toomer and Michael Stray’s missteps and I heard Tom Coflin has a direct line to Puerto Rico’s….Hoez, so you know that man was doing his part as well.

One thing is for sure, yall needed to get Tiki’s lady off your squad. She wasn’t built for victory.

Baby mama drama: Tom Brady headed that way?

Young Tom Brady, don’t think we forgot about ya. You know your day is coming. Indeed, your ex-lady, Bridget Moynahan is finally back in public juuuust in time to give you a little negative press before the season opener.  What a coincidence.

Daaayum Tom, you really put it on her. Looks like she’s got Warren Sapp up in there or something. Now I see why you got those three Superbowl rings — you clearly have a commitment to excellence in all that you do. Now that’s a baby bump! It just aint fair man. You’ve got ole Bridge sitting up there housing this monster child, meanwhile, you’re laid up in something as fine as Gisele, looking smoothed out and extra chill and loving your life.

Damn, she’s fine.

Tom, you really are a smooth mufucka, I can’t lie! Now that you’ve got the kid, marriage makes no sense though, so don’t do it. Whatever you do, don’t let Bridge (who must hate you because she already claimed you dumped her once you found out about the baby) diss you in the press like Brynn Cameron did Matt Leinart. That was ugly. Get in front of the story son. I certainly don’t want to have to continue to call you out on this blog…but I will if you can’t manage your ex and this baby situation like you manage that game clock.

Go Bills.

No seriously, Tony Parker thinks he can rap!!!

Look, when I introduced you guys to that Tony Parker (yes THAT Tony Parker) hip hop song Premier Love, I don’t know. I mean, I knew it was real and all, but I still couldn’t quite bring myself to understand how much this cat really believed he could rap. This joint with Fabolous (yes that Fabolous, the previously respected hip hop artist) is evidence that I was just naive and again, call me ignant, but there is just something about the French language and rap that just don’t quite sit well with me.

Sorry, but even those kids in that video look soft and corny as hell. And Tony’s square jaw and soap star looks just don’t work with the genre. I mean, on the real, I hoped my man Tony was just going through a phase, you know, trading off of his American stardom to a bunch of people who didn’t really know better. After all, if Yannick Noah is a big pop star over there, the bar can’t be set that high, right?

(Ok, I gotta kind of admit that Joakim’s pops is kind of pimp)

But dude, Tony, just because you CAN do something that does not mean it is to be done! Please, stop this nonsense now. Go home and work with all of this:

(oh yes, Eva Longoria is indeed fine, especially for a chick in her mid-30’s)

And when you’re done with her, go holler at that standard issue mistress you and every other powerful or looted man in France has and when you’re done with her, take up bass fishing or something, ANYTHING, but please STOP RAPPING. It’s embarrassing man, truly and we all know these rowdy cats out in the Paris suburbs (huh?) don’t need any more reason to start lighting Peugeots on fire. Rap is not something that yall need to add.

In short, keep your mind on your game and your eye on your lady.. I aint gone tell you again, ya hear?

– Les Lake

Strahan getting played…AGAIN!?

Big ole Michael Strahan!!!! Isn’t it hilarious that ole Mike Stray is complaining about the Giant’s unwillingness to renegotiate his deal? He’s even threatened to retire now that he’s going into his sixth day of a holdout. But I mean, what does this dude expect? He’s got antlers for teeth, homey is old, was hurt all last year, and besides all that, he’s got horrible chick karma!

(I guess the devil wears Burberry, Lake used to, too, until yall played it out)

Yeah, I mean how are the Giants supposed to respect Michael’s negotiation skills when he got murdered by his ex-wife Jean Strahan in the divorce proceedings. Peep what she got in the deal.

Daaaayum, add to that ole girl held a yard sale, yes, a yard sale and sold off Mike’s shit in front of his mansion and you can see why the Giants would choose to hold out on this fool rather than give him what he wants.

Oh yes, it’s a loooong way from this happy picture. Add to that that ole girl claimed Mike was gay and it’s just crazy how ugly this babe got over on Mike. Maybe Mike should have gone with a Badu look-a-like rather than Buffie, the brother slayer… Damn. Even Matt Leinart didn’t go out like this much of a sucker…

Mike, let’s stop the frontin’ and get into training camp. First off, everyone knows you need all the money you can get now that your wife blazed you for your loot cakes and is sticking you for child support at that. You can’t retire homey. You know it and the Giants know it. See ya in training camp, bluff called.

Tony Parker rapping…’homme noir’ please!!!

Check out our update to this topic HERE!

Tony Parker has bagged one of the most sought after babes in Hollywood in Eva Longoria. He’s won two NBA titles and even a Finals MVP, so why in the hell is he doing this?

Tony, you’ve got a crazy first step, great handles and a killer chick, hell, even your jumper has improved. But the only thing gayer (if you will) than slow, love story rap (no thanks Bow Wow, LL), is slow, lovey dovey FRENCH rap. Ok? Leave the rapping to TI (Big thangs poppin is really hot by the way), the thug passion to R. Kelly and the soft talk, love making in the shadow of the Eiffel Tower to Pepe Le Pew.. Thanks.

…and Au revoir bitches

– Monsieur Lake

No, Maas: Bill gets popped with a trunk fulla sh*t!

ATTENTION:  Peep our updated post on Bill Maas’ legal trouble HERE

Former NFL player and the no nonsense Fox Sports broadcaster Bill Maas got charged with drug possession and weapons charges following a roadside safety check on Sunday in Peoria, Illinois.

(quietly, his lady looks pretty good in this mug shot, so she must be a solid looker)

The 45-year-old Maas and a passenger in his Hummer H2, Sarah Murphy, 27 (this is why I’m hot), were arrested late Friday by Illinois State Po Po’s. During the stop, police said they noticed Maas seemed nervous, but still agreed to a search of his vehicle.

“See, you know you dun fu*cked up right?” (Sorry, I gotta lace in a Menace II Society quote every now and again, keeps me regular)

Police found a .22-caliber revolver (Tank thinks you’re a beeyotch), 5 grams of the hippie lettuce, 6 grams of the white horse and 28 pills of Ecstasy.

Havin’ a partay!!!!

Maas and Murphy were charged with possession of a controlled substance and possession of marijuana. Maas was also booked on a charge of unlawful use of a weapon. Daaaaayum, very simple question to Fox, What would Roger Do (WWRD)?

If NFL teams are releasing players for bogus traffic stops by the fuzz when they’re NOT actually under the influence of drugs or alcohol (Tank, Kelly, not guil-tee), what does Fox do to a cat who is going Scarface with a young tender thing like Ms. Murphy?! I say let the turk, Roger Goodell come in and cut homey off at the knees… After all, we must have accountability, right?