Archive for the ‘Technology’ Category

New Apple iPhone: Your Status Is Gonna Cost You an Extra $300 real soon

June 10, 2008

Apple revealed the new 3G Apple iPhone today.

It is faster, cheaper, actually works with your email at work, and lets you download applications like every other smartphone you can buy…in other words it is the phone that should have come out last year.

The best part?  All those unlock sliding, taking your phone out and putting it on the table, try to pull up video clips, “sent from an iphone” assholes just went from having the hottest phone on the market to completely obsolete in just one day.  Their also trapped into those two year AT&T contracts for another 365 days.  Sure, you can drop your old iPhone and re-up for an extra $199 for the 8 gig and $299 for the 16 gig, but if not, you will be paying iphone child support for another year.

What happens to the old phone once it is pulled off the contract?  It sure would be nice to have a spare iPod laying around the house wouldn’t it.  Well, if deactivation is anything like activation, you can’t use the phone unless it is connected to the network.  I was pissed then because you couldn’t even play with your brand new gadget until you go through the activation process.  Apple should at least make sure the old school iPhones don’t brick when you upgrade.

One thing is for sure though.  They will be lining up for them.


Somebody’s Gonna Catch an Ass Whoopin!

May 8, 2008

Damn. Have you ever been whooping somebody’s ass, and thought…”I could really be whooping so much more ass right now?” Well, we’ve got the product for you.

Pepper Knuckles?!?!?!? With the tagline, “To Protect and Hurt”? Daaaaaaaaaaamn. Let’s see. Pepper spray is designed to immobilize your attacker so you can get away. A little element of surprise, a little searing pain and you can go on your merry little way. I’ve even seen pepper spray with dye in it so the green faced asshole can be found later.

But with Pepper Knuckles, after your assailant is rolling on the ground clutching his eyes you can administer a vicious beatdown so that they never do that shit again. If you are being attacked and are safe to get away, but go back to whoop some ass…is that still assault? I’m thinking probably.

What’s next? The Chainsaw gun from Gears of War?

So you can shoot a cat then saw off their leg?

How about a Taser baseball bat combo?

Don’t tase me bro! bzzzzzt…ieeeeeeeeeaaaah, aaaaaaaaaahhhh Now, don’t beat me bro!

Damn, I don’t want to run into one of these in a dark alley.


Street Fighter 4: The Fighters Quit Their Day Jobs

March 25, 2008

Street Fighter 4 is about to come out so the World Fighters are going to have to come back together to do epic battle. What have then been doing all this time?

Dhalsim apparently took his long legged skills to the soccer field.


Let me tell you, that damn Dhalsim was a motherfuck*r to fight. My man K Reem used to dominate with that damn dude, couldn’t even get near him. I know sounds crazy, but that long leg, long punch combo was impossible to break down.

The UvT interns actually tracked down Guile too…


I guess he’s been working in a Karaoke bar with the son of E. Honda? Damn, he’s gonna need to do some push ups before he gets his ass whooped.


Let me know if anyone finds Chun-Li with those thick ass thighs. She might be the first virtual UvT girl. You know I’m right!

iPod Touch: This is What We’ve All Been Waiting For

October 4, 2007

So the “official” launch date for the iPod touch was this past Friday, but they actually hit the streets a few weeks ago. I had to fire Fitzy the intern because that little bastard didn’t get me one as soon as it hit the streets, but I stopped letting Lake run the internship program, and the new interns seem to be a little more on it.


I’ve been waiting for the touch screen iPod for almost two years, right after they started going to video and color and the rumors started flying. This is what the iPod always should have been, and really the first generation of a machine that really brings together music, video, and pictures the right way.

I know what you’re all thinking. What about the iPhone? Isn’t the Touch just a gimped version of the Jesus phone? Hell, as far as I’m concerned the iPhone is a gimped version of the iPod Touch. First of all, it has a bigger hard drive so you can fit more content on it. Second, you buy it and the damn thing is yours. No BS $75 a month service plan. No terrible service everywhere except downtown Atlanta (seriously, I was sitting with an iPhone in Midtown Manhattan and it didn’t have any damn service.) It would be nice to have some of the email functions and the navi searches, but otherwise it has everything you need.


Someone asked if I just wanted to get the new iPod just because I wanted to go *flicking motion*. And I said hell yeah. Then I got the damn thing. Let me tell you, the first time I hit a free wifi spot in a hotel room the damn thing was pure magic. Full surfing, and fast. Handheld Porn. YouTube access. iTunes downloads and purchases. You can hit your webmail. This thing is great. Hopefully they will keep unlocking things with the firmware upgrades (there already seems to be a hidden bluetooth radio in there). This is the first step toward a true handheld Mac…maybe a precursor to a Newton that will actually work. Not to mention watching video and TV on the thing. It was great. I need to figure out how to rip shows off my Tivo and I’ll be golden. Sure, I know they will probably have big bad ass 40Gig versions by next year this time…but for right now? Just go get it.


Halo 3 Midnight Madness: You’re Still Dorks

September 26, 2007

Halo 3 dropped for the XBox 360 last night. I saw yellow Best Buy bag packing fan boys strolling through the streets of New York city last night to rush home and fire up their XBox Live accounts and start slinging anonymous racist insults at each other. Grown men, teenagers, and college students shut it down today to run through solo mode and start the competition to become the biggest badass in multiplayer.


(Is it really that serious bruh?)

Let’s see, we are at 24 hours after launch, so there are a few hundred thousand stinking, non-shower taking Spartans learning how to pwnzor ur n00b a55. I’ll admit, after 24 hours there are people playing this game right now who are already better than I would ever be even if I took are year to practice. I’d whoop that ass in Mortal Kombat II though. I was unconscious in 1998. Plus, Halo inspires people to do this, so it can’t be all bad.

This is the game Microsoft is banking on to push those XBox 360’s over the edge. They are already running into problems with scratched disks, as well as the dreaded recall-worthy red ring of death (the XBox 360 version of the Windows Blue Screen of Death). If you don’t know, it means that every early XBox 360 will break eventually. Not some, not most, ALL OF THEM. That’s crazy. But Microsoft is manning up and paying for all of them to be fixed.

Bottom line, Halo is a billion dollar franchise. Prepare to see all the articles about how video games are where all the the movie and music dollars are going and how this would be the biggest movie launch ever…if…it…were…a…movie. At $60 a pop, that probably isn’t a fair comparison. That is a 6 to 1 advantage.


Yeah, Master Chief makes that LOOT. But ringing the bell at the Nasdaq, that’s a little ridiculous.

Have fun fellas, this is the best game you’ll see for a loooong time. The well is a little dry after Gears, Bioshock and Halo.

Keep stacking that cash and keep your pimp game tight Bill Gates. Strike that pose.



New iPod Touch to hit the streets

September 4, 2007

You know I’m a sucker for new technology, and I usually ride the sideline until the second generation release, but this is a no-brainer.  Apple is releasing the sixth generation iPod with iPhone-like screen and touch interface!


That’s right, all the good stuff about the iPhone: cool interface, slick design, envy of strangers…with none of the downside: shitty AT&T service, small storage size, ridiculous price for more than you really want.  Hopefully they keep in the wi-fi access and a web browser.  Just strip out the phone functions, the camera, email capability and all that other crap and give me the iPod I wanted before the iPhone came out.

They are also supposedly updating the iPod mini, to a small and square version already dubbed the iPod phat. 


Nike is probably pissed at all the money that they will have to spend to revamp that shoe thing they’ve got going, but it probably just means more money for them too.

I will be the first on the block to grab one.  I’ll let you know how it is.


And a few hundred thousand iPhone early adopters simultaneously shed a tear

iPhone Launch!: The UvT review

July 2, 2007

June 29, 2007. 6:00 pm. Hundreds of thousands of copies of Adobe Photoshop sat idle, Dungeons & Dragons games were halted, Hipsters slunk from their coffee shops to pretend they didn’t give a damn, but were still willing to go wait in a line to worship at the house of Jobs.

The iPhone launched Friday to much fanfare, and yo boy Brock was there to take in the action.


Outside of the store, security was tight. You see they got brothers out there to control the crowd. They really didn’t want any trouble.


At 6:00 the black curtains in front of the store were ripped down and dozens of Black clad Mac Dorks…uhhhh…geniuses came out. They were actually more hype than the crowd. There was only one cat who seemed really excited, he actually screamed “Show Me the Money!” when they opened the door. Ebay speculator, yeah, seems like it. I think this cat may have actually camped out from the night before too. Brock, yeah I pulled up at 6.


Security still flexin. Making sure nobody breaks out with the product.


You know your boy Brock got his though.

Five things Apple did right:

1) The phone looks good as hell. The touch screen is great and this thing would make one bad ass iPod. 2008 is going to be crazy when they drop an 80 gig touchscreen video iPod.

2) Hey Sony, Apple figured out how to have a launch event and make sure everyone that wanted to buy one, got one.  That means that there isn’t anyone making more money per unit on ebay than you are.

3) They figured out how to get AT&T to pay them for the privilege of selling their phone.

4) They created their own hype.  Apple shut down every Apple store in the nation at 2pm just to open it back up again at 6:00pm.  They were selling their phones at 6 on a Friday, after work, during the summer, when grown folks with money might actually show up to buy what they are selling.  Not at midnight, during the middle of winter, where anyone who waited in line for your stuff looked like smelly hobbits waiting to get into a Duke Basketball game.  Yeah, I’m looking at you again Sony.

5) The iPhone actually delivers on its lofty promises.  Go touch one, play with it.  Remember when you were a kid and you imagined things from the future?  When you hold one of these phones, you feel like you are in the damn future.

5 things Apple got wrong:

1) When you drop your $600 for your shiny new toy, you can’t even use the damn thing.  You can’t do anything until you activate service, not even listen to music.  I guarantee Apple would have sold a bunch of 8 gig, $600 iPods on Friday if this wasn’t the case.  People are even figuring out how to fail the credit check to get a “pay as you go” phone to avoid the contract.

2) AT&T apparently has shitty data service.  The phone works best if you are on wifi.  Great if you are standing in Bryant Park in NYC, or sitting in a Starbucks.  Terrible if you are anywhere else.

3) You can’t separate your business from your pleasure.  Hey Apple, I use my cell phone for legitimate work…you know writing email to people other than my homies, actually showing up for appointments on time, you know keeping the bills paid.  In case you haven’t noticed, I’m probably not keeping my 10,000 song iTunes Library on my work computer.  First of all, I don’t think having “Bitches Ain’t Shit” on The Man’s computer is going to go over well come review time.  Second, I don’t think IT is going to think it is a legitimate work use.  Yeah, I’ve seen the commercials, I know I’m getting all “PC” on you.  Apple is supposed to be cool and different.  But a brother’s gotta keep the lights on.

4)  I know AT&T offered up that long jack for exclusivity, but you gotta open up the product for other carriers.  You have the hot shit, not them.

5)  You let this guy come out of the house in the same damn outfit everyday.


I’d say the guy has 200 of those damn mock turtlenecks in his closet, but the one he has on in this pic looks like it has been through the wash more than a few times.  Steve Jobs, welcome to the Turrible Gear Hall of Fame.  Say hello to Stray Rod and Coz for me.