American Gladiator

What do you get when you cross this:

With this?

You get this:

American Gladiators is back?  The Hulkster is the host?  Are they breaking out the Joust?  What about that joint where they shoot tennis balls out of an air cannon at people?  Or the one where you have to dunk the soccer balls in the little trash cans?

First of all you’ve gotta brink back Nitro, right?

Actually, that dude is probably fifty something by now.  Still you can’t have American Gladiators without Nitro.

By the way, where do they find those mannish women to compete as Gladiators on the show?

I mean these chicks have got to be on the Balco cocktail.  Hell, maybe Marion Jones can find a new job. The new show debuts on January 6th.  I guess the writers strike is cutting the options more quickly than I thought.  We will all be watching eating competitions and freaking You Tube clip shows before we know it.

Damn, I just remembered the contest where they put you in the little hamster ball and you had to roll around scoring points!  This is going to be great!

-Brock

Wrestlemania 25: Hulk Hogan Vs. The Million Dollar Woman

Daaaaaamn. Now this just ain’t right. Hulk Hogan’s wife rolled out to California a few weeks ago and drops divorce papers on the Hulkster from afar.

Is that like a steel chair attack? What else can Hogan take right now? He son is looking to be heading to jail for street racing that ended up in a manslaughter charge. His daughter dresses like this:

I don’t even need to put her in the UvT lab to analyze whether she is tight or not. That is just a big chick right there, no two ways about that. Unless they airbrush her up.

How is this divorce going to work out? She wants a share of their millions of dollars worth of property and child support for their son. Does Hulk get to have those terrible obviously fake J’s back?

I already know what’s going to happen at the trial. I’ve seen it a million times.

Hulkster walks into the court with his yellow tank top on. When the judge asks him for his opening statement, he just stands up and does this:

Hogan starts off strong. Throwing lefts and rights. Body slam here, atomic drop there. But Linda rallys back. Child support, the house in Miami, the car collection, the master tapes of Thunder in Paradise. Hogan looks like he’s done for. He snaps back up shakes his head and gives her the point.

That is when Linda is in trouble. We all know what comes next.

Big boot:

Leg drop:

Cue up “I am a real American”

Linda doesn’t have a chance.

-Brock

Evander Holyfield: The Real Deal Grill

We’ve all known for a long time that Evander Holyfield has taken waaaaaaay to many punches in his career, but this is the last straw. 

 

(I give you “Thoughtful Holyfield”.  He’s holding a red ball to symbolize…what the hell are you doing in this picture Holy?)

Today, Holy announced that he is bringing the “Real Deal Grill” to the people. (By the way, for that product name to work, don’t you have to pronounce “Grill” as “greel”…which rhymes with how Tim Hardaway pronounces “skills” in one of my favorite commercials.)  It is just like the Foreman grill, but better.  When Evander was asked why it was better, he simply said because it is new.  And as we all know, grill technology improves exponentially, like other high technology products at the same rate as hard drives and processors.

Look, I can’t fault the man for looking for a career after boxing.  Especially since he sincerely believes that God has told him that he is destined to reunite the heavyweight belts at age 45.  But you know this wasn’t Evander’s idea.  Some grill guy was like, we need to sell countertop grills, like that George Foreman guy.  He’s Rich!  What do we need?  Grill…check!  Okay that is a good start, what else does the George Foreman grill have that we don’t?  A boxer!  Tyson?  No too controversial.  Leon Spinks?  Not enough teeth to eat during the infomercial.  I got it! Evander Holyfield.  He’s retired, right?  No?  He fought three weeks ago?  Really?  Call him anyway.

Our crack team of interns did some research and found out that this was just the latest of a long line of failed grill products.

Well ya know Mean Gene, all the little Hulkamaniacs out there gotta train, say your prayers, eat your vitamins, and eat some waffles on my Ultimate grill! (rips shirt, walks off).  And apparently so popular, it’s out of stock.

Then there is the mother of them all:

The Deion Sanders Prime Time Ultimate Hot Dog Express.  Because…hot dogs are really hard to cook and it takes a really long time?  Prime, what were you thinking?  This product is expressly designed to make hot dogs taste like they came off of those rollers in gas stations.  Thanks, but no thanks.  Plus, the Foreman Grill is a diverse piece of machinery.  You can grill steaks and chicken, sandwiches, vegetables.  One the Hot Dog express, you get hot dogs and sausage and kielbasa and uhhhhhhh bratwurst!  Thanks Deion…That’s helpful.  Must be the money that makes you have these great ideas.

So Holyfield, already confident in the success of the Real Deal Greel is already thinking about his next invention:

From the look on his face, he might be thinking for a long time.  I wonder how long it took him to come up with the “Evan Fields” alias to avoid all of that steroid scrutiny.

I didn’t want to just give my opinion on the matter, so I asked around. 

Will Smith, What do you think about the Real Deal Grill?

Ooh, not so good?  Fine, Maurice Clarrett?  Does this thing look like something you could use?

Bruce Bowen?  You’re a champ, you want one?

Well, with all those opinions…Mike Hart.  How do you think the Real Deal Grill will sell?

Yeah…me too.

-Brock