Archive for November, 2007

Christina Aguilera is a classy gal

November 30, 2007

Christina Aquilera has always just struck me as such a waste. She’s got great talent, good looks, I mean, the chick should really have it all. Too bad talent doesn’t come packaged with good sense.


Just why? I know, I know, motherhood is beautiful. Sure it is, but check out that look in her eye. We aren’t talking bonding with your baby beauty, we’re talking, I still like to take it up the arse, I’m looking at the camera man’s package right now beautiful. Personally, I don’t like these, “I’m knocked up, but I’m sexy in a different way” pictorials. Demi was provocative, Britney’s was annoying and this is just f*cking unacceptable!! Jeez. You’d think this would be enough to satisfy her “I’m slutty and empowered” jones.


(See, no difference and you know you can’t play that guitar)


Why would I want to see a pregnant woman, weaved out of her mind with nothing but ice, stripper tanning lotion and some Christian Louboutin (I said it) kicks on? I know, I know, this is a women’s magazine, right, then why is she starring down the camera like she just got her Monica Lewinsky on in her trailer park with a striking stage hand? Nothing this chick does is for women. She may not be a ho, but as Chris Rock says, she wears the hoe’s uniform..namely, NADA and heels.


(You know you hit with heels on, that aint yo’ hair and you’re NOT Spanish!)

Come on. Isn’t anything sacred? Can’t you just not be a Hollyweird freakazoid for 6 months of your life? After the kid comes, then you can just hand it off to the nanny, hit the gym, club, all your background dancers (in that order please) and just go back to your normal life (ie fucking for tracks). But I think the rest of us deserve not to have to see your pregnant ass, enhanced cans, scraggly weave, and soon to be stretched out baby maker (see below) plastered all over our newsstands.


(NSFW joints here.. terrible dude.)

Doesn’t the fact that you’re 7 months pregnant mean anything to you? Doesn’t ANYTHING change about what you do, who you roll with, HOW you roll?

Is it too much to ask for this chick to wear draws?

I just feel like Britney hooked this chick up with the “what not to do” play book, but just like a lemming, she’s doing it all. It’s just terrible. Cover that damn thing up. Prepare for motherhood. Stop saying you’re Latino and stop denying that you’ve been knifed up and mamillarily enhanced and put some damn clothes on.. Literally, FOR THE CHILDREN. Awful.

I can’t lie though, when you hit juuust the right angle, with juuuust the right amount of airbrush, she’s dirty white girl freaky trailer park sexy.


I admit it.


Hmmm, I think she might have Lauren London beat. On second thought, I retract everything I said above. Keep on doing what you do mama.



– Lake the Hate(r)

Akon in trouble with the law again…

November 30, 2007

Akon must have made a deal with the devil or something.


Honestly, back in ’88 if someone told you Alvin would suddenly become thugged out, want to take his art in a new direction and leave the chipmunks and make hit R&B and hip hop smashes would you believe them? Well, that’s all Akon is.. Just a high-pitched, grown ass, 45 year old Alvin, only this cat has done time (for real), reportedly has like 5 wives (no lie) and still manages to get out after these young hoes like it’s game 7 or his life depends on it.


(That Jo Jo is going to grow up to be an attractive young woman)

You always have to be weary of hip hop stars and all their rhetoric about being “thugs” or “from the streets,” because most of them are just sensitive ass artists playing a role, but in this cat’s case, I believe it. Once I saw this fool gorilla slam that kid for throwing a wadded up paper cup at him, I knew this cat had learned a few things when he was fighting off Adebesi and Schillinger in the slam. Peep it.

I liked how the camera man kept the tape rollin even after he caught a lil bit of collateral damage. Pretty crazy. A girl was injured and suffered from a concussion (hmm, wonder if she’ll be looking for some dough), and now Akon must appear in a Fishkill, NY court Monday morning for the arraignment. He’s being charged with a misdemeanor for endangering the welfare of a minor, second-degree harassment, and first-degree misdemeanor shirtless tomfoolery.

Akon, chill out son. You’re too old for this brand of foolishness.


I thought you didn’t wanna be “Locked up, won’t let me out, ohhhhh, won let me out” no more. Stay in your lane, homey.

– Lake

Assology 101

November 30, 2007

I mentioned a few posts ago that I have a masters in Assology. It allows me to identify a tight booty from 20 paces. I can see it coming, identify it from any angle. Hell, tell me where a girl was born, her favorite food, and two hobbies and I can take a pretty good guess. I love ass. I look at every ass I see. You’ve gotta hone your skills in the field. With Lauren London and Beyonce causing a bit of controversy here at UvT, I decided to let you know how to analyze that ass on your own. Pay attention kids, Professor Hardon is about to lay it down for you.

We’re gonna keep it simple. Let’s just talk about how to identify the various types of ass:

Negative arse:

We’ve covered the negative arse here at UvT plenty of times. It is the easiest to spot, but here’s how to identify the details.


Okay, here’s the back view. I mean this chick goes shoulders to knee with no interruption whatsoever. There is no tuck on the top, no tuck on the bottom.  Damn, this babe looks like she might not even have an ass crack.  What does that look like from the side, you ask?


Yeah, as I said…you could run your hand down her back trying to cup an ass cheek run right past it. You probably wouldn’t know you made a wrong turn until you feel the back of her heel.

The negative arse babe is really limited to skinny chicks. When a babe with no ass packs on too much weight, you end up with the dreaded muffin top.


Whew. Muffin tops are a real debacle, and that babe has been baking all day. I mean the only reason you even think there is an ass under there is the fact that the waistband of the jeans cuts that back fat off at an arbitrary point. Terrible, these muffin top chicks have to know this isn’t acceptable, right?

Here’s where it gets fun.

Athletic ass:

Let’s start here with Jessica Alba in jeans.


You know the body is tight up under there. She gives you a little hook in the booty, legs stay tight (always key for the ass, thighs and calves play an important role in evaluation. What you see is what you get here.


Clothes on, or clothes off…this is the sweet spot. This is the best a white babe can work toward, it means she was a dancer or athlete at some point. As I said, you can see it all the way through the thigh. That is how you get built up like Biel.


As I said, you can’t trust a White chick with more body than this. You start venturing into Brooke Hogan, Coco T territory after this point. Unfortunately some of the brothers who like the crossover game don’t heed the warnings of Professor Brock and think they’ve found the “thick white girl”, built just like a sister.

In reality you just get “in them jeans” girl who is packed in too tight. An example you say?

Packed and Stacked in those pants ass:


I know, I know, she’s thick right? Naaaaaaah meng. That calf lets you know you are in trouble from the start, by time you get to that thigh with narum a definition you know that those khaki shorts are hiding a dirty secret. I get it, you watch chicks walking down the street and see this:


But you get em butt naked and you get this:


These babes have all kinds of tricks, you gotta know when it is too good to be true! Turn back before you get caught up.

Now there is a level beyond this. The holy grail if you will. As I said, it is a level of ass unachievable by the white woman, the in them jeans babe is a dirty doppelganger of the real deal.

Thick ass:

This is only achievable by black chicks. Sorry, it’s genetics. No fat, just pure muscle covered in silky smooth perfection. Check this:


I mean look how strong she is through the calves and knees, how the back tightens right back up at the top. Pure perfection here fellas.

The lesson should end here today, but there is yet another level. I don’t advocate it but some cats love it.

The Superthick:


Now you know that isn’t right. If you ever need to identify what you’re working with the key is in those knees. You see that extra layer of love on the inside. Stay back. That extra booty fat also shuts down the crease. If you can’t see the back dimples, put down the butt cheek. It isn’t going to turn out well.

Back later with more advanced lessons.


Lil Weezy off the market?

November 29, 2007

I read this mess on a gossip blog so you know it’s gotta be true (or completely fabricated, oh well). But according to Bossip, Lil Wayne has purchased an engagement ring for Lauren London.


(Crickets) Yeah, right, I don’t know who the hell that is either. She’s the babe who played Turtle’s girlfriend for like 1.6 episodes on The Entourage.


Riiight, thaat chick. Anyway, I’m not so sure I believe this. First, we aint never seen Bird Man Jr. with this chick, I mean, not never. Second, she’s cute and attractive and all, but, Lil Weezy is from New Orleans. That means, he’s used to chicks with that thunder. I mean, homey keeps a thick chick in his video, he was smashing Trina (after Baby was though..yuck) and I don’t know, I just feel like Weezy and I have the same taste in women. So of course that brings us to the ultimate question:

Is Lauren London a UvT Quality babe? Because lord knows Lil Weazy shouldn’t be messing with ole girl if she isn’t.


Now, you knee jerk cats will immediately say, YES!!! I mean look at her. The babe is in fact tight. Pretty face, purty hair and it’s something about that wide “Bad Newz Kennels” inspired pitbull in a skirt stance she rocks with the extra wide hip that just be talking to a nilla…


Let’s stop for a second, she looks DOPE in this shot. We need to file this joint under when hood goes good..WOW.

But the rest of her… I’m just not sure. Like this picture for instance.


Oh, no no no.. see something here just aint right. It’s like when you bite into the Sweet Potato Pie and suddenly realize, oh no.. it’s Pumpkin!!! You try to make it taste right, feel right.. but it just aint the same. And no, it’s not just one bad angle.


(Better, but still no)

Hmm, just reminds me of that famous line by Jigga Man aka Jay Z in battle anthem The Takeover against Nas.. “One was naaah the other was illmatic, that one hot album every ten years average”. Her tail is just uhh, nahh, eeeeh for me. I have a hard time rejecting her from the UvT quality crew, but right now, it’s just a no. Sorry, it’s just not good enough at this point. For real, it’s like the Hall of Fame, if you have to make an argument for a chick, she aint good enough. Like for instance, I’m going to show you two pictures. First think Lauren London, then:


Bang, now you understand what we’re talking about here. Jessica Biel leaves no question. Oh, that backside pic is too easy you say? Keep it rollin intern.


Boom..Meagan Good.. I mean, if all you ever saw of this babe was this picture, she’d still be on your top 5 baddest babes ever list.

Maybe next time Lauren. Damn, I feel bad, but only because we’re talking about Lil Wayne and his potential wifey. Tell you what, I’ll go ahead and throw out the challenge flag on myself and let Brock review it up in the booth, see if the call on the field stands or not.


More later….



Lake, my nilla.  You have really put up a tough one here.  At first I thought we had missed one, but the third eye of UvT never lies.  I know I didn’t let one slip past me.  In order to overturn the call on the field, I’m going to need indisputable evidence otherwise.  I ran back the footage a few times and there’s not much there.  (evidence or tail)


I don’t have the perfect angle, but the call on the field stands.  She’s out.  I tell you what isn’t up for debate.  The fact that Cassie has some big ass hands.    You see those things?


Supporting the Stereotype: Brawling in a Wisconsin K-Mart

November 29, 2007

Oh this is nice. Apparently KMart was giving away a free $10 gift certificate to anyone who got approved for a KMart credit card on Black Friday. Well, their computers glitched and was giving everyone who applied a $4000 credit limit instantly. In Wisconsin this passes for “free money” and people jumped on the phones to let everyone know. Before you knew it, housewives were scrapping out front and jumping over cash registers to get their shot at the “free” cash.


I guess a riot broke out.

A few things. First of all, anyone who thinks a credit card is “free” money need to check their credit report. See that number in the 500’s over there? That means a few things. It means that you get killed for having KMart Cards, Sears Cards, Best Buy Mastercards, Gap cards all that bullshit. It means that I pay the same amount to lease my Mercedes Benz GL 450 that you pay for your Honda Civic. It means that if you want to buy a house like mine I pay 15% less than you would.


Oh yeah, and the big thing? They are going to want that money back. If you don’t pay it back in the first month…and let me got out on a limb here…people who get on the horn to tell people that KMart is giving out free money as $4,000 credit cards probably aren’t great candidates for paying all of that off come January 1, you will probably get hit with that good 18-25% interest rate. Turning that $4,000 into $10,000 quicker than you think.

Is Kmart even still a legitimate store? Let’s look at the landscape here. Target is the upscale store, Wal-Mart is the store with the best prices…that leaves K-Mart as the big room of cheap shit store. Blue Light specials? What the hell is that? I know people don’t like it when you stereotype their state. But honestly, do you think this same thing happens in a major metropolitan area? A riot over K-Mart cards? Hell no.

How about this as a consolation prize. Your hoops squad just got drug by Duke on National TV. How did you like that?


Classic material: Gangsta Lean by D.R.S.

November 28, 2007

If you’re a true fan of R&B like I am, then you’ll know what I’m about to post. This right here is just a classic R&B video and an all-time favorite for Lakey the sensitive thug.

How did we get to this you ask? Just think back, it’s 1993 and Gangster Rap is just killing it on the charts. You’ve got Dre, Snoop, hell, even Ice Cube has a few wild hits, but you just can’t rap. Oh, but you can sang!!! So what do you do? Fashion yourself as a Gangsta R&B group. And why not? Jodeci was getting a little gangsta with their joint.


I think they killed someone in an interlude and still sold millions, so it’s possible right? Well, not really (remember that rumor about how Devante got pistol whipped and then ended up on the run?). As I’ve always said, R&B is inherently soft, corny and somewhat gay…


I mean, let’s face it. Some dude with more product on his lips than he’s got on his hair, shirtless and making all kinds of weird sexual faces as he croons his way to economic bliss.


That’s just a recipe for bitchiness. And what’s so hilarious is that they know they’re perceived as bitches, so they over compensate by getting extra gangsta with it, which of course always backfires. Fair enough, but Gangsta Lean was the one exception to that rule and I guess the other exception would be Nate Dogg who somehow has seemed to find that perfect balance.

At any rate, Gangsta R&B was short lived and generally awful because if there is one thing gayer than an R&B cat, it’s a studio gangsta, wanna-be-hard, looking more like an Oz prison beeyatch R&B cat who is fronting like he’s something he’s not.


(and yes I have heard the rumors that Jaheim is gay, who knows?)

Either way, I’m glad the genre is gone (sort of), but I’m equally glad that we still have this jewel, Gangsta Lean, to stash in our collective gangsta memory banks.

– Lake

Wisconsin travels to Duke for a slaughter

November 28, 2007

So I waited for that meaningless game between Tech and IU to end. Clearly that joint was all over except for the crying with 5 minutes to go. Predictably, ESPN still didn’t switch to the Duke game. So they tune in and immediately I feel that old school Duke energy coming through the television. It’s kind of indescribable. It’s a carnal, want to destroy the enemy kind of mentality. I guess that’s what 4 years of Wojo starting at PG will do to a man. Anyway, the crowd had it, the players had it and well, I had it. After Paulus’ second three in that little mini run we had early, I was literally standing in front of my 62 inch screen looking like this.


Wow, it’s just great to see Duke really dig into Wisconsin’s collective cheese loving arses. The first half was a ho-asis of scoring and did I or did I not tell you people about my boy from Cali Taylor “I’m the” Kang?


King was unconscious from three. I mean homey went out onto the floor with a set of brass balls, shooting when he pleased and literally making it rain on them hoes. It was JJ Redick-esque son and I loved it.


He J’d the Badgers with the set shot 3. He J’d them with the fall away. He picked two balls up off the ground and immediately deposited them in the mouth of the damn thing. I mean, have you ever seen a ball leave a player’s hand and reach the basket so quickly? His joint takes like .5 seconds to get up there. You just can’t keep that kind of scoring production on the bench. Coach K obviously read this blog and now King is getting more minutes. That’s cool, let’s just keep it up, but hey, don’t take away Henderson’s minutes either.


We need that cat for his assortment of blocks, dunks, timely 3 balls, mean mugs and rebounds.. Ha.. Now I see why he made Hansbrough red all over. By the way, is Balco T off the canvas yet? Carolina fans acted like Hendo shot the man or something. Stop being a bunch of crying bitches, it’s college basketball, it’s the ACC, it aint intramurals. If yall don’t like it, go play intramurals brother….go play intramurals. Stop all your crying, pull you skirt up and just play ball. Bunch of hicks.. LOL. At any rate, at times during the game G had me on the edge of my seat silently yelling “FINISH HIM” like the Cobra Kai sensai.

End of the day, Duke whooped up on the Badgers.  Per usual, the Big 10 sucks and this ACC – Big 10 Challenge, at 10-0, is getting comical.

VISITORS: Wisconsin 5-1
                          TOT-FG  3-PT         REBOUNDS
## Player Name            FG-FGA FG-FGA FT-FTA OF DE TOT PF  TP  A TO BLK S MIN
01 Marcus Landry        f  3-9    1-1    0-1    3  3  6   0   7  2  3  0  1  25
32 Brian Butch          f  5-12   0-4    1-2    1  4  5   4  11  0  2  0  0  20
34 Greg Stiemsma        c  0-1    0-0    0-0    0  2  2   2   0  0  1  0  0   8
03 Trevon Hughes        g  4-13   1-4    3-6    1  3  4   2  12  3  3  0  2  26
45 Joe Krabbenhoft      g  2-7    0-2    0-0    1  4  5   2   4  0  1  1  2  36
12 Jason Bohannon          2-2    0-0    0-0    0  1  1   1   4  1  1  0  0  19
14 Tanner Bronson          0-0    0-0    0-0    0  0  0   0   0  0  1  0  0   1
15 Brett Valentyn          0-0    0-0    0-0    0  0  0   0   0  0  0  0  0   1
22 Michael Flowers         3-9    0-2    2-2    3  2  5   4   8  3  2  0  0  32
24 Tim Jarmusz             0-1    0-0    0-0    1  0  1   0   0  0  0  0  0   1
30 Jon Leuer               5-11   1-1    1-2    2  4  6   0  12  1  1  0  1  19
43 Kevin Gullikson         0-0    0-0    0-0    1  1  2   2   0  1  2  0  0  11
52 Keaton Nankivil         0-0    0-0    0-0    0  0  0   0   0  0  1  0  0   1
   TEAM                                         4  1  5
   Totals                 24-65   3-14   7-13  17 25 42  17  58 11 18  1  6 200

TOTAL FG% 1st Half: 10-33 30.3%   2nd Half: 14-32 43.8%   Game: 36.9%  DEADB
3-Pt. FG% 1st Half:  2-9  22.2%   2nd Half:  1-5  20.0%   Game: 21.4%   REBS
F Throw % 1st Half:  3-6  50.0%   2nd Half:  4-7  57.1%   Game: 53.8%    1

HOME TEAM: Duke 7-0
                          TOT-FG  3-PT         REBOUNDS
## Player Name            FG-FGA FG-FGA FT-FTA OF DE TOT PF  TP  A TO BLK S MIN
12 Kyle Singler         f  4-7    2-4    3-4    3  3  6   4  13  1  3  0  1  31
42 Lance Thomas         f  0-1    0-0    0-0    1  0  1   4   0  0  2  0  1  13
03 Greg Paulus          g  6-13   4-7    2-2    1  1  2   3  18  1  1  0  2  28
15 Gerald Henderson     g  3-8    0-0    5-6    2  4  6   0  11  1  1  1  0  22
21 DeMarcus Nelson      g  3-11   0-2    3-4    1  6  7   1   9  7  2  2  3  34
02 Nolan Smith             3-4    0-0    0-0    0  0  0   3   6  1  3  0  1  15
14 David McClure           0-0    0-0    0-0    0  0  0   0   0  0  0  0  0   1
20 Taylor King             5-10   5-9    0-1    0  5  5   2  15  0  0  1  2  20
30 Jon Scheyer             2-7    0-2    6-6    3  6  9   0  10  2  1  0  0  28
41 Jordan Davidson         0-0    0-0    0-0    0  0  0   0   0  0  0  0  0   1
55 Brian Zoubek            0-0    0-0    0-0    0  0  0   1   0  1  1  1  0   7
   TEAM                                         1  3  4
   Totals                 26-61  11-24  19-23  12 28 40  18  82 14 14  5 10 200

TOTAL FG% 1st Half: 14-33 42.4%   2nd Half: 12-28 42.9%   Game: 42.6%  DEADB
3-Pt. FG% 1st Half:  9-16 56.3%   2nd Half:  2-8  25.0%   Game: 45.8%   REBS
F Throw % 1st Half: 11-13 84.6%   2nd Half:  8-10 80.0%   Game: 82.6%   2,1

Anyway, Duke and Wisconsin had never met before and now the cheese heads know what Duke Basketball is all about. And don’t think I didn’t take note the presence of former Duke recruit Brian Butch. You diss Duke for Wisconsin? I don’t get it player.. Oh well.

Go Duke.

– Lake

Wrestlemania 25: Hulk Hogan Vs. The Million Dollar Woman

November 28, 2007

Daaaaaamn. Now this just ain’t right. Hulk Hogan’s wife rolled out to California a few weeks ago and drops divorce papers on the Hulkster from afar.


Is that like a steel chair attack? What else can Hogan take right now? He son is looking to be heading to jail for street racing that ended up in a manslaughter charge. His daughter dresses like this:


I don’t even need to put her in the UvT lab to analyze whether she is tight or not. That is just a big chick right there, no two ways about that. Unless they airbrush her up.

How is this divorce going to work out? She wants a share of their millions of dollars worth of property and child support for their son. Does Hulk get to have those terrible obviously fake J’s back?


I already know what’s going to happen at the trial. I’ve seen it a million times.

Hulkster walks into the court with his yellow tank top on. When the judge asks him for his opening statement, he just stands up and does this:


Hogan starts off strong. Throwing lefts and rights. Body slam here, atomic drop there. But Linda rallys back. Child support, the house in Miami, the car collection, the master tapes of Thunder in Paradise. Hogan looks like he’s done for. He snaps back up shakes his head and gives her the point.


That is when Linda is in trouble. We all know what comes next.

Big boot:


Leg drop:


Cue up “I am a real American”


Linda doesn’t have a chance.


Usher Has a Boy

November 28, 2007


Usher just had a baby in the ATL.  Little Usher Raymond V.  (Is Usher a IV?  Who knew?)  I guess this cat is locked in now.  Married in September, kid in November.  That’s hardly ever cool.  I hope Usher has a prenup, but with that kid it almost doesn’t matter now.  Like Kanye said, 18 years, 18 years, and on the 18th birthday found out it wasn’t his?

This dude was messing with fine ass Chilli before he sold 10 million albums.  All it reminds me of is the fact that Chilli was sexy as hell in that red light special video. I’ma get my flashback on right quick.

Damn Chilli. What the hell was Usher thinking? When you are the best selling R&B star since MJ, you’re supposed to re-up. Not re-down. Seriously, he traded Chilli for this babe?


I know some cats base their wife on their momma, but that doesn’t mean that she should really look like your momma. Like born the same year as your momma. And he gave up this:


Man, that stomach has always been tight.

Hell let’s do it like the Black Sheep. You can get with this:


Or you can get with that:


Damn, that terrible ass pic messed up my moment.  I don’t care what they tell you they are going to do in retouching, you can’t play yourself like that.

So whats up with this kid?  Hopefully he doesn’t have the conehead like his pops.



What’s the over under on Usher and Tameka?  Three years? How long before the chick that shoots crazy ass looks like this goes fully crazy?


I’m thinking long about halfway through Usher’s next European tour.


The War on Terror-ible: Rule No. 1 Violation

November 27, 2007

Look, if there is one group of cats I don’t fuck with, it’s terrorists/insurgents (yes, I acknowledge they aren’t the same, but just let me be simplistic here) . I mean, let’s face it, pound for pound, those cats are the hardest, wildest and scariest dudes on the planet. Politics aside, I don’t want any trouble with those cats and generally, I just assume that they’re macho cats with an appetite for a little celestially mandated blood letting. So I say this with the utmost um respect, I guess (better put, I don’t want no trouble), but what in the hell is going on with this cat?!


On Monday, the Department of Defense released a story and pictures about a disguised group of insurgents. Soldiers manning a checkpoint near Baghdad stopped a wedding convoy to find that the purported bride and groom were wanted terror suspects, an Iraqi Defense Ministry official said Monday. As soldiers searched the wedding cars, they found the veiled bride was actually a stubbly-faced man.


(The flowers were a nice touch though)

Damn. I thought these radical Jihadists didn’t go for that funny shit. I mean, they don’t have a don’t ask don’t tell over there. It’s a don’t ask or I’ll kill. Don’t tell or you’re dead.


(Even their nerds get gangsta with it)

Still, you just know they got some gay radical cats over there. What can you do? Let’s face it, there are gays in every walk of life.  So you gotta wonder which dude volunteers to rock the dress in a super conservative culture. Hmmm. Maybe Rudy Giuliani can answer that one.


At any rate, this is pretty terrible and a clear violation of Rule No. 1.


Damn son, get up off the ground and stop looking at me like that. Terrible.

Upon hearing the news of the man dressed as a woman, Senator Larry Craig, Republican from Idaho, immediately boarded a plane to Iraq to “investigate” the situation.


Word on the street is that he wants to “liberate” this young “bride” with a one-on-one interrogation, preferably next to a urinal.

– Lake