Archive for the ‘Steroids’ Category

It’s Little Thick Chick Season…I Mean Time For Women’s Gymnastics!

July 29, 2008

The Olympics are coming.  I’ve already covered the soon to be big story on doping. In fact we should start a UvT pool to lay money down on which sport will see the first illegal substance abuser.  Track & Field and Cycling are even money.  Weightlifting?  Boxing?  Wrestling?  Archery?  We’re not here to talk about that though.  We’re here to talk about the one sport where this is reasonable.

What is a sport really about when whatever that chick is doing scores you points?  I’ll tell you what though, that calf and thigh are right.  On the list of “porn before the internet”, Womens gymnastics is right between the aforementioned “Kiana Tom Flex Appeal” and trying to make heads or tails (literally) out of the scrambled porn channel.  So ladies, if you are ready to show em what cha working wit…raise your hands.

Well then lets carry on…and I see you on the far right.

Gymnasts let you know the ass piece is just another muscle.  It can be developed.  Sure, these little ladies look a little skrong in competition…no hips, shoulders a bit too wide for comfort, but their are just laying the foundation down for the future.  Don’t believe me?

Fine, let’s go old school.  Dominique Dawes.  Here’s Atlanta 1996.

A little on the slim side, but I appreciate the flexibility.  Here she is now.

See?  She filled out nicely.

Fine, another example.  Betty Okino.  I mean she was in the olympics in what? 88 and 92?

Sure, her abs are about as diesel as the j’s here…but once again, you gotta project the future…you gotta have that eye.

Bam.  She’s bad.  Still not convinced?  Angle 2?

She’s still got the abs.  You feeling me now?  Oh and as an added bonus?  She can stil do this.

That might be the first upside down triple tuck™.

Betty, holla at your boy Brock if you’re out there.



When I was writing this last night, something wasn’t right.  When I was driving into Us Versus Them HQ, something wasn’t right.  Then Will pinpointed it for me in the comments…


These chicks are too young.  Look, my boys know, I like a fresh faced pretty young thang, but they gotta be legal.  I’m from the ATL, but I’m not cool with statutory being set at 16 years old in that state…I’m not a “old enough to bleed, old enough for me dude” (worst phrase ever), I’m no Humbert Humbert, no Mark Chmura, you feel me?

Then I realized, the Olympics are like leap year.  There is a four year gap, and a lot of things change in four years.  I’m talking about 1988, 1992, and 1996 where checking the tail piece of a 16 to 18 year old chick was cool.  It’s 2008.  My perspective is all off.  I’m much younger in leap years than I am in real years…does that make it cool?  Nah, it doesn’t.  I guess it is Beach Volleyball and swimming for me in 2008.

There.  I feel better.  Betty Okino is still bad though.


Jose Canseco Got Knocked the Fuck Out!!!

July 16, 2008

First of all who knew Jose Canseco was about to get into a boxing match?  Second of all, why didn’t he get trained to keep his hands up?

He caught that left like he thought it was a fly ball.  He went on ahead and went to sleep on that one.  There is only one thing to say about that…

I guess karma is real.  Usually you just catch a symbolic ass whoopin.  You know, people find out that you’re guilty of the thing you rail against, or you end up broke.  This time Canseco caught an actual ass whoopin.  I guess he should have juiced before the fight.


Doping Watch: 2008 China Olympics

June 5, 2008

The Olympic games start on 08/08/08 (marketing genius…that’s sarcasm) and that means it is time for people to pretend to care about national pride as a bunch of “amateurs” get to represent the country in international competition.

Now with the games taking place halfway around the world, that means that we will all know the results long before NBC elects to televise anything…but the summer Olympics also mean it’s doping time!  You know there are athletes “cycling down” from the roids right now.  If the Balco boys were still around there would be some clear, some cream, and by now they’d probably have some the rub, the balm, the paste and the salve getting people cranked up for competition.

So let’s crank up the Us Versus Them odds machine to predict which sport is going to produce the first dopes up athlete.

Weightlifting:  The guys are just too obvious, right?  But what about the chicks?  Have you seen these ladies?

Come on man.  Those babes are on that stuff.  First of all, why does it look like the little chick is lifting the same amount of weight as the big chick.  That ain’t right.

Olympic cycling

Yup, after Roid Landis, you know the cycling team is looking for an edge.  They are definitely on the watch list.

Gymnastics: Yeaaaaaaah, probably not.  Check out the Hamm midgets.

Have you ever heard these guys talk?  They sound like Alvin and the damn chipmunks.  These two are on watch all right, but it isn’t for dope.

We all know where the real action is.  On the track.

Sometimes it runs in the family.  Here’s what to watch for.  If one of these grown ass men has braces, they might be on that stuff.  If they drag the field by three lengths like Big Brown…they might be on that stuff.  If their first name is Maurice and their last name is Greene…they might be on that stuff.

My bad Mo, that was a cheap shot.

Here’s the best thing.  They media and the athletes are already rolling out the fact that the Chinese use steroids on their cattle.  Sure, blame it on the food.

First the supplements, now the food.  Get ready America, someone is going down.


Andy Pettitte is a stankin’ cheater

February 21, 2008

Hey, what’s up with these idiots in the NY media acting like Andy Pettitte was courageous for admitting to his HGH use?


First off, in the past he always lied about his illegal HGH use. Then he lied about how many times he used it. The only reason why he copped to what he did was because McNamme fingered him. And how do we know that he didn’t use other drugs? He lied before, why not lie again? Come on.


This idiot Tom Friend buried Barry Bonds, but now he’s saying he doesn’t consider Pettitte a cheater? Oh, I get it.


I can’t tell what’s wilder about this pic, the fact that Mrs. C. HGH’d up and got rock hard or the way she’s griping up on that ‘Roided up dack.  lol.


Now I get how these media types work, if you like the guy and can identify with him, he’s not a cheater, even when he admitted to illegal drug use. If you think the dude isn’t a nice guy and you can’t identify with him, then he’s a liar and a cheater. I love the Sports Media. A bunch of hypocritical hacks who couldn’t make it in the legitimate news biz but now allow their own personal biases and prejudices completely taint all semblance of integrity in their reporting.


I know, I know, you’re paid to have an opinion and just are doing your job. I know. Ridiculous.

– Lake

Mac says Clemens’ wife was on the juice too!

February 11, 2008

Now see, Roger Clemens probably should have slowed his roll when he tricked Brian MacNamee with that tape recording, only to play it at a press conference. You might not want to fuck with a cat like that when he’s got dirt on you AND your wife, Debbie Clemens, who MacNamee claims he shot up in the ass with HGH before this Sports Illustrated photoshoot.


Come on. I mean, is anyone shocked that the Rocket and his wife are both juicers? Hey, at least now we understand what that dropped call was really about.


“Hey honey, pick me up a loaf of Sourdough, some feminine wash and a couple cc’s of Brian’s best HGH, I’ve got a butt naked Sports Illustrated shoot and I must look my best.”


Look, I don’t care what anybody says, a grown ass woman of 42 with 4 monster sons ranging in age from 13 to 20 should not have abs like Chyna from the WWE.


Hell, even Chyna shouldn’t have abs like Chyna. WTF? Does anyone have a doubt that this is all true? It’s not like this guy is telling this stuff to a few or the fellas over some hippie lettuce in a back room, he’s telling this to United State Congressmen!!!!


Hmm, fake hair color, check, fake tan, check, fake boobs, chizzeck, fake ass husband, check, hey, why not just fake it all. FAKE BODY DUE TO MASSIVE AMOUNTS OF ROIDS AND HGH….CHECK! Like Chris Rock said, everything about you is a lie. Hilarious stuff, I can’t wait for Wednesday for that public hearing….talk about Tivo worthy…Jeez.


Damn, now see, this is getting ugly. Forget the gloves coming off, these cats are at each other with knives and we aren’t even close to a conclusion. What more could go wrong for ole Rocket? Nobody believes him as is.. I mean, what’s next? Is Andy Pettitte going to produce that Rocket and Debbie Clemens sex tape with Mariano Rivera ahem, coming in for relief? Argh.. sordid man. I feel dirty.

Go Sox

– Lake

More smoke and mirrors from Roger Clemens

January 29, 2008

You have to hand it to ole Rog. He has learned from the Bonds and McGwire criticisms that they didn’t confront their accusers on these steroids allegations.


The gotcha, gotcha though is that people still don’t believe Roger so it really doesn’t matter. See, that’s something that Bonds knew from jump. Why try to convince people of something they already have made up in their own minds. It’s not going to stop the papers from printing it and it keeps the story alive.


Rog, I appreciate your efforts to cloud the issue, but you’re not W Bush tricking these simpletons to vote against their own interests. You’re a cat who we always knew cheated who just got rated by your own boy. Own it homey, because no matter what you do or say, we don’t believe you anyway. All the rest of this charade is only good for shits and giggles.


You aren’t proving anything and believe me, you aren’t changing any minds.

– Lake

I want to tell 40 year old LL Cool J to stop

January 25, 2008

But with babes like this dropping it on him at Sundance, it’s kind of hard to justify.


Oh yes, smiles all around. Now dip baby dip, come on and….


dip baby dip, dip baby dip…. Damn, I didn’t think they had that in Utah. Maybe I should take another look at Mitt Romney after all.


LL felt a whoop coming on, a whoop coming on…


whooooop, whooooop, boy, she looks like she’s really ready for some whooop, whooop


Now stop, and wiggle with it (yeah). And yes, I know I’m switching songs. Dammit you gotta respect her effort. She done basically done everything Christina Milian told her to do in that “Dip it Lo” song and I’m sold personally. Jeez. Who else was at the partay..


Oh this chick in the purple is going in for the kill. Boy, look at the intensity of the chick on the right. Like she’s readying herself for battle, vicarious or otherwise. I think she might want to….


Oh, there she goes.. You know it’s tight when security gets in there. Must have been a good night.. wait a second what’s this…




Say what? Oh hail no. Post over.. I literally can’t take it and have come full circle. Unless that’s Snoop from the Wire digging in deep, then LL needs to go ahead and just retire. Awful.

– Lake

Marion Jones Gets Six Months

January 13, 2008

My word, I know rappers and entertainers are breathing easy these days. Forget the Hip-Hop cops, athletes are catching complete L’s over this Balco steroids situation. Marion Jones, former national treasure just got 6 months in the can for lying to Federal Authorities.


Honestly, that’s messed up.  The judge went on ahead and gave her the maximum sentence although she has two kids, with one still nursing.  Judge Kenneth Karas said that steroid use “affects the integrity of athletic competition”.  I’m sure federal judges have sound logic, but that isn’t really what we’re talking about here.  She wasn’t going away for steroids, she was being sentenced for lying about taking steroids to federal officials.  Here’s how it works.  If you get caught using steroids in athletic competition, you hand over whatever you won, and get suspended.


Ben Johnson whoops the field by three strides…gets caught and gives back the gold medal.  Football players lose four games without pay.  Baseball players catch a lengthy suspension.  You don’t go to jail for it.

Man, this federal gubment ain’t playing with these Balco folks.  The crazy thing is this entire fervor is over Barry Bonds.  If it weren’t for the big man breaking every meaningful hitting record in “America’s Game” there wouldn’t be congressional hearings, books on the “Game of Shadows”, federal fact finding commissions, no one would give a damn.  So when Marion is sitting in prison thinking about what went wrong, she has Barry to thank.  Who else was on that Balco list?  “Evan(der) (Holy)Fields” better watch his ass.  You know crazy ass Bill Romanowski was all clear and creamed up.


Damn from the look of it, his wife may have been on it too.

Mike Vick went down for lying too.  All it does is piss the Fed off.
Roger, are you paying attention?  I know your current plan is to go hard on these charges.  You still haven’t come out and called McNamee a full on liar in all of this.  You might just want to fess up come next week or run the risk of catching 6 months your damn self.  It ain’t worth it Roger.  We know ya did it, just admit it.  Tuck it on in, join Pete Rose and Mark Mcgwire on the “ain’t neva, eva, evaaaaaaa getting in the hall of fame” club, and fade into the background.


This is the evidence that they are using to sack Barry.  A few side by side picture comparisons coupled with the fact that you got back 5 mph on your fast ball when you hit 38.  I will say this, the way black people are going down in the courts lately, Roger actually gives Barry a little buffer.  If they take Barry down hard, they’ve gotta give Clemens the same.  You just can’t picture Roger Clemens in jail can you?  Going from pinstripes to prison stripes is not gonna be hot.


Bully in a China shop: Clemens press conference

January 7, 2008

Boy oh boy, I just went ahead and watched that Roger Clemens press conference. My impressions, Roger Clemens is even more of an asshole than I thought he was.


Jeez. Let me just run through what happened.

1. Smooth Texas lawyer gets up and sets the table. Now I see why Roger let this dude talk for him. Roger is a pitcher, not a genius and not a diplomat. This smooth cat could represent me any day.


2. Roger the Rat – Rocket tries to tamper with a witness errrr set up McNamme

Roger, under the auspicies of reaching out to Brian McNamme, a cat who doesn’t have all this loot to fight cases or live his life, plays his old trainer trying to see how many times he can say that he didn’t do anything without that being directly refuted by McNamme. Nice try. It was also very classy. McNamme is on the line crying (literally) about how he didn’t want to give up Clemens and how his son is dying (literally) and Clemens is acting like he cares. But predictably he doesn’t care.


Nope, he only cares about saving his own skin and setting up McNamme right before he files a suit against him for defamation. Perfect. Then McNamme says “I don’t know who can hear this, I’m on a cell phone” and Rocket responds, “I don’t know who is listening to this”… Riiiight. Of course, what he meant was “holy shit, you just addressed the fact that I’m trying to set you up, could you know? Ohhh, I just got that ‘I’m a piece of shit feeling'”.

3. Roger gets up and tries to bully the press – HOT

Roger gets up and starts getting that ‘Roid rage errr temper flaring. He started the joint off by saying “It’s hard for me to even be in here with some of you, but I’ll rise above it”. Right, dude wasn’t so cool when he can’t just lean back and throw at someone’s head. Haaaaa Classic lines:

A. “I got another asinine question the other day about the Hall of Fame. You think I played my career because I care about the Hall of Fame? I could give a rat’s ass about that also. If you have a vote and because of this you can keep that vote. I cannot wait to go into the private sector and hopefully have to never answer this again.”


Go Yanks!!! LOL.

B. “Andy is my friend, I’m not going to comment about [whether he’s a cheater]. Now can I drink water?”


C. The smooth lawyer tells everyone that he would never advise any client to take a lie detector test.


He also said that he used lie detectors test as a prosecutor and saw that it was unreliable. Another gold star for our criminal justice system. Don’t hold your breath waiting for a lie detector test folks.

By the end of the presser, Clemens was beginning to unravel. Hell, his lawyer noticed it and tried to make a few wise cracks to add some levity. Whatever. Barry Bonds has had to deal with this shit forever, clearly Roger is no Bonds when it comes to focus and calm when dealing with the press. Welcome to the real world Roger. You aint getting protected anymore. I say he did it.

– Lake

The Rocket Man goes on 60 Minutes

January 6, 2008

After I watched Vince and the boys go out the back door against the Chargers the Lady and I took in Roger “Rocket Man” Clemens’ act on 60 Minutes with Mike Wallace.


Is it just me or does Roger look like he’s about to rip his own face off and go V, the finally reckoning in this picture. I mean, look at dude’s left eye piece….HGH is a hell of a drug.

At any rate, Rog came out and hit us with the righteous indignation, but I wasn’t feeling it. In fact, I thought it was a put on. It kind of reminded me of that fake thug explosion we got from Kellen Winslow, Jr. back in the day about “this U”.

Boy, that joint will never grow old. So as we were watching ole Rocket get all pissed off talking about how he gets no benefit of the doubt, my lady asked me an interesting question, “what if he actually is telling the truth, could you imagine?” I gotta say, I thought about that possibility myself, but it’s just like I told her in my response that only took .5 seconds to get out, “But he IS lying, though.”


Oh well. Bottom line is that the plot has now thickened in this piece.


Congress is getting ready to put Roger under a microscope which will inevitably bring about that hot 5th Amendment maneuver or some sort of silly Mark McGwire “I’m not here to talk about the past” trick.


And all just because a few assholes didn’t like Barry Bonds and that alleged barcalounger he had in front of his locker.

– Lake