Archive for the ‘Tiger Woods’ Category

Man Up Monday: Rocco Mediate

June 16, 2008

Or is that Rocco Mightaswellnotevenshowup?

Okay, let’s start with the important stuff.  First of all, you can’t win a major sporting event rocking mom dockers and a peace sign belt.  Look, I want peace too, but at what cost?  The price you are paying is way too high.  Don’t golf courses had dress codes?  You know, collared shirt tucked in, no metal spikes, no denim…all the bases are covered.  They don’t feel the need to get all the way down to the details of “you must wear shoes”, “no tank tops” and “no flip-flops” because all those rules are assumed.  Well, I have to believe the peace sign belt and the extra high rise mom khaki’s have to be on that assumed list.  Which is really bad because this outfit is completely acceptable:

Now Payne (R.I.P) made it look good, but that joint is ridiculous in the streets.

Back to Rocco’s second issue.  Anyone leading a major championship who is within 3 strokes of Tiger Woods always suffers from “The Tiger Effect”.  It means that as they are playing their final round on Sunday they hear the wild cheers and they see Tiger charging up that leaderboard and they start gripping up and losing strokes.  That is if it just happens on the same day.  Rocco got to sleep on it last night.  Talk about pressure.  You are the 157th player in the world and you have an 18 hole playoff against the baddest golfer in the history of the world.

I know how you feel Rocco.  The commentators only had 20 hours or so to whip out all the sports clichés.  “Rocco has nothing to lose”.  “Tiger has a bad wheel”.  “Rocco has the chance of a lifetime”.  “Tiger will be worn out because he is going into the fifth day of his first tournament since his surgery”.  Whatever.  Tiger is coming for blood and he’s a straight killer.  Rocco is going to be paired up with him and watching him play all day too? 

You can’t watch that all day and keep your head.  Does Tiger wear red on playoff day too? 

Rocco, I hope you got a good nights sleep last night (you didn’t), I hope you ate your Wheaties, I hope you’ve got the Rocky theme on repeat on your iPod and you watched the ’04 Red Sox vs. the Yankees, the Giants vs. the Patriots, the Miracle on Ice, and Angel Lola Luv vs. Gravity because you are going to need to serious inspiration.

Man up Rocco.  This is the chance of a lifetime.



Tiger Woods Mauls the PGA

March 20, 2008

When people thought of golf, they used to think of this:


White man, white fans, they’ve even got the American flag flying in the background. Black people were caddies and on the maintenance crew. Well, that’s changed. Here was the scene this weekend.


Oh hell yeah. Mind you, this is after Tiger drained a 30 foot putt and spiked his hat to the turf like he just broke a 30 yard run between the tackles. This was not what people want to see. Especially since he was won every tournament he’s played in this season. Look Tiger, here is the only way the PGA wants to see you.


Hell at UvT we know you need to remind people how dominant you are…flex on em homey.


Look, Tiger might go ahead and win all four majors this year, The way he’s going, he might try to win all of the tournaments that he’s in this year. Jack Nicklaus as 18 majors and 73 tour wins. Tiger has 13 majors and 64 wins. At the pace he’s going, he should have the record by uhhhhh, long about next Tuesday. He really doesn’t want anyone else to win this season. Tiger is staying up in that gym, he’s going to be breaking out the 500 yard drives and 80 foot puts from the bunkers. We got an exclusive picture of Tiger’s latest workout routine.


That’s right, Tiger’s on swole and ready to roll.


Fuck Kelly Tilghman

January 24, 2008

I’ll say it again. Kelly Tilghman should have been fired for her lynch Tiger comment.


I’ve already said why before. Nobody that I know goes to a nice lynching joke over a beer or a bottle of bones farm, ok? Fuck her and fuck the Golf Channel that only gave her that perfunctory suspension after Al Sharpton made a little noise. It’s quite clear to me that language like that is acceptable to the Golf Channel, something that doesn’t surprise me in the least. On-air today, she said this:

I’m Kelly Tilghman. It’s an honor to be with you again,” she said. “In a recent live broadcast, I used an inappropriate word that was offensive to many. Over the last two weeks, I’ve taken this time to reflect and truly understand the impact of what I said. While I did not intend to offend anyone, I understand why those words were hurtful. I am terribly sorry for any hurt that I’ve caused. I would like to express my deepest apologies.”

If Tiger Woods would rather cash checks and pose with his wife, baby and two mutts instead of stand up and say unequivocally that what she said was unacceptable, that’s his business.


It doesn’t make it ok and it certainly doesn’t mean that we should all just let bygones be bygones. Tiger has a right to be gutless, shallow or self-interested (pick one or all three) if that’s his cup of tea, but people shouldn’t mistake his silence for acceptance of the remarks made by Tilghman or the actions taken in response by the Golf Channel.

Not good enough. Just bring me her head. Thanx.

– Lake

I repeat Kelly Tilghman should be FIRED!

January 17, 2008

Oh yes, I saw the cover of Golfweek with that little publicity grab.


Something tells me that some of these golf fans out here enjoyed that imagery a little more than they were supposed to. Anyway, nothing changes in my book. I agree that we should all just move on and I want to, believe me. I’ll move on when these fools at the Golf Channel take the high road and fire Kelly’s country fried ass for what she said about lynching Tiger Woods and no I don’t give a hot damn what his publicist said about it being a non issue. Shit, it’s an issue to me, so let Tiger do his thing while I do mine.


Remember, when it first came out that she suggested those other golfers lynch Tiger, the Gold Channel said they weren’t going to discipline her at all! I wonder why… Clearly that kind of language is acceptable over at the Golf Channel, perhaps even familiar?


Now they want points because under the threat of Al Sharpton’s rabble rousing they come out and give her a two week long vacation errr suspension with pay?


I know, I know, she meant nothing by it. Right and muthafuckas who roll around with swastikas don’t mean shit by what they do and say either.


In fact, let’s run that video back. I want to see that joint again.

What’s worse? If she meant to be a bit provocative and off color (no bigot)*** or if she said that and was oblivious to that fact that it was a deeply offensive, historically grounded remark that just so happened to intersect with the worlds first star black golfer? You see my point, either way she’s a mufucker. And does anyone in this world believe that a “southern bell” from Myrtle Beach SOUTH CAROLINA who is damn near 40 years old doesn’t know that lynching remarks are offensive?


Give me a break. The people out there that are saying it’s not that bad are either 1. unfamiliar with Southern culture or 2. accepting of overtly racist remarks. In other words, to all you Kelly Tilghman defenders, you either don’t know what you’re talking about and so I say, fuck you, or you DO know and just don’t give a fuck that she said that and then I really say, Fuck you.

Incidentally, now’s the time when you all should just put on Tupac’s hit “Git em Up (Take Money” to really understand where I’m coming from. In fact, I’ll just link that instrumental and keep going. Just hit play and keep reading.

Either way, like O Dog getting ready to go handle some marks where they rest at, I aint lettin that shit ride. Fuck Kelly Tilghman! I’d rather go to the Johannesburg, South African Grand Opening of The Great Debaters in a Dashiki with Reade Seligmann and Collin Finnerty than let that chick keep her job. I’d rather do the Soldier Bwoy (gay version) along side Trent Lott while we play weekend at Bernie’s with the hell crisp’d corpse of Strom Thurmond propped up in the DJ Booth with Kanye’s Stronger Shades on than let that chick get away with that shit!!!!


Kelly, take yo’ ass to Tar Baby’s Family Pancakes, order the Git Er Done Flap Jacks Supreme with extra syrup, eat em down real good, then shine that plate up real nice, be sure to get all that confectionary sugar too until it’s spic-n-span clean right, turn that plate sideways and stick it straight up your candy ass!!! Can I get a “hell yeah” in two part harmony from Dr. Dre tweaking on HGH and my man Larry Zane in Manhattan as I say it again:

Fuck Kelly Tilghman.


– Lake

*** The parenthetical use of “(no bigot)” is when a person says something that might be considered playing on color or race, but it’s not. I borrowed it from the ubiquitous (no homo).. Which I never use but love to see used, especially by cats who are probably gay, like Cam’ron. Of course, like “no homo” the problem with “no bigot” is that if you’re using the term and recognize it as bigoted and still go forward, then you really are being bigoted, right? Then again, maybe I’ll just chuckle after I crack a hot racist blast and then Brock will only suspend me for 2 weeks like ole Kelly Tilghman got.

Kelly wants Tiger Woods Lynched Part 2

January 10, 2008

I just heard that Kelly Tilghman has been suspended from her job at the Golf Channel for two weeks as a result of her “young golfers should lynch Tiger Woods in a back alley” racist blast. In case you didn’t see it, here’s the comment.

Vodpod videos no longer available.

As I said before: Not good enough. Again, that’s not a “N-word” slip up or a off color comment about some a miscellaneous Afro, oh no, that was 1. knowledge of racist statement, 2. application to a situation of white dudes and a black man and 3. execution of said statement IN CONTEXT. Shit, even this guy thinks two weeks isn’t good enough.


Pissed off man. I’ll say it again… I have no love for Kelly Tilghman and she should be FIRED! Nothing less is acceptable. People who think it was just an innocuous comment don’t understand the South, don’t understand Southern racism and don’t understand the history…. people like me and Kelly, we do. Trust me, she’s racist.

– Lake

Golf Analyst: “Lynch Tiger Woods in a back alley”

January 9, 2008

Sounds crazy, right? It is. And you’ll be surprised who said it.


Right, a pretty white woman from South Carolina. Go figure. This chick, Kelly Tilghman, made the comment ON-AIR Friday during the Mercedes-Benz Championship PGA Tour event in a conversation she was having with golf great Nick Faldo. She suggested that the younger players on the PGA Tour should “lynch Tiger Woods in a alley.”

Vodpod videos no longer available.So cute. Hey, for all you newly discovered racist (and that’s all she is, just a discovered one) apologists, you can save your breath about Kelly not being a bigot. Believe you me, SHE IS RACIST. No doubt, despite popular belief, racists don’t just look like this:


They also look like this:


And bigots don’t just look like this:


No question, they can also look like this:


Kelly is racist, believe me. How many of you out there just see a black person and immediately make a crack about historical racial oppression? Not many. It’s just not what people do (well, not most people). You know why, because this brand of racism just isn’t on most people’s radar screen. They just don’t have all the pieces to be a solid racist in 2008, but Kelly does.

In order to be a good racist you have to 1. have knowledge of the racist dig you want to deliver, 2. apply it appropriately in context and 3. have such a wanton disregard for the group you’re about to disparage that you’re willing to do it publicly. Kelly did all three and came up big in the clutch. She just went ahead and said it on the air like it was no big deal. Like you hear shit like that on national sports broadcasts all the time or something. I mean raise your hand if you think it was her first time using the word “lynch” with reference to a black person.


Nah, fuck that. Unless you’re gonna go ahead and dig up her Grandpappy who probably lynched Blacks down there in South Carolina, Kelly should be immediately fired from the Golf Channel. And consider where she’s from, North Myrtle Beach, South Carolina!!! It’s not exactly the most progressive place in the world. I’ve been there actually, Kelly would know as most Duke grads do, that Duke students go to Myrtle Beach after finals. When we went, this is literally what we found.


This is a picture of a restaurant in Kelly Tilghman’s hometown. She grew up on a golf course, please note the “Golf Packages Welcome”…you think Kelly hasn’t gone to eat there? You think someone who is from a place where racist symbols like this are accepted and THEN goes on TV talking about lynching a black golfer isn’t racist?!?!


And yes I heard that she offered a retraction. Hey Kelly, apology NOT accepted! If she is retained, then golf in general and the Golf Channel specifically, is exactly what we thought it was: a place where sentiments like these are accepted and welcome. I know, I know, these people aren’t racist anymore, it’s all in the past. That’s why Fuzzy Zeoller said what he did about to Tiger Woods after her won the Masters for the first time.

Now I see why Tiger works out as much as he does.


With all these supposed “friends” of his dropping racist blasts on him, I’d hate to hear what his enemies say about him. I can tell you one thing, with these shady racist southerners running around, he best not stop until he looks like this.


You never know, some of Kelly’s good ole boys from SC might take her up on her offer and take Tiger ’round the wood shed.
Fuck Kelly Tilghman!


Tiger Woods Whoops Ass For Cash

September 20, 2007

And he does it almost every weekend.


Tiger won the Fed Ex Cup this past weekend.  As part of the Fed Ex Cup, he locked up the $10 Million prize long about Friday afternoon once he outclassed the field.  What does that feel like?  To know you’ve got the $10 long stacks covered, and you are just trying to lock in that last $1.26M.

Now he hits the off season to smooth out with the new kid, the nordic wife and that weird dog until he does it again in 2008.

Lake, is there another sport out there you’d like the brothers to take over next?  I think we’ve got this one covered.  Curling?  Strongman?  What’s left?


A Brand new Caucablanasian

June 30, 2007

Tiger Woods welcomed his new baby into the world.


Hey Eldrich, you can add as much Silky Headed “Cauc” into your Cablanasian as you want. But your daughter is still gonna be a sister. Cute kid though, hopefully her natural lays down and hold those waves a bit tighter than yours. She definitely has your hairline though. You may have to go to the forced baldy soon. Agassi did it have had a resurgence in his career. I mean Big Black’s hightop fade wig from Rob & Big is looking tighter than yours right now.