Dear Hip Hop, Please, No More Bitchassness…

Man, maybe I’m just getting too old for the game.  Maybe I’ve just lost touch.  Maybe I should just accept that a life of family, low salt foods and Jesus fishes needs to replace Vegas, Grecian Goose and verified ignorance.  I don’t know, I suddenly feel like the hip hop curmudgeon and I don’t like it.  Sure, I can deal with violence:

Hypocrisy:

Sexploitation:

and utter tomfoolery:

because those are the reasons I listen to hip hop to begin with.  But let’s be frank here.  There is an epidemic of cat shit that’s attacking the bedrock principles of the art form I know and love.  I mean, it was ok when the cat ass shit was truly artistic, like, if a dude was literally blasting off to planet 3000, I was ok as long as the rhymes stayed funky.

But see Andre 3000 can get away with that shit because he was doing it when cats were literally like, “what the fuk is wrong with this dude”?

I mean, a cat who comes out on the Chris Rock show with some snow boots, shoulder pads and blue wig right in the middle of the Jay Z “Hard Rock Life” and DMX “Get At Me Dog” era, really believes.  But this cat… I mean, goodness, didn’t Puff just recently ask for no bitchassness?

I mean, what the fuck is going on?  And please stop striking that pose like you reeaaally just nailed that outfit too.  haaa, this shit is awful.  Kanye, I really like your music and I do believe that you’re generally a sincere cat.  But on the rizzeal, you’re not that fashion forward dude you think you are.  Sure you have some cats following your steez, but they’re all fucking terrible and wack or quite literally on some other, high-lo, ignorant-intelligent, deep-shallow thespian bullshit.

Man, I’m telling you. These damn weirdos (I said it) have finally gotten under my skin.  All these dudes out here trying to be soooo different.  What ever happened to conformity?  I mean, I used to laugh when I heard those terrible ass NYC bouncers warn us “we can get gully in here sun, I told you, clear this area”  Ahhhhnnt Hell, I’m longing for those days now.  What ever happened to “punching a nilla in the face just for living” (Mobb Deep)?  I mean, I thought those days were the low point.  I thought DMX was taking shit too far.  Then I saw this.

And no I don’t care that those shoes are the hottest thing in Milan, that your extra medium tuxedo shirt is made of finely spun Mongolian cotton or that you had the vision to match it all with a suit from Men’s Warehouse just to keep it “organic” or whatever silly explanation you have for this ‘fit.  And no, I don’t give a hot damn about the strappy juxtaposition between the braces and the backpack or that fucked up green floor and your fucked up lack of a haircut.  I don’t know and I don’t wanna know, ok?

Jesus, Buddah, Allah, someone, please help us.  Obviously we’re not figuring this thing out down here.  Stop dressing like a gay euro.  Stop rocking shit you know looks wack, juuust becuase you think you’ll be seen as different.  Stop singing songs that truly require actual vocal ability and most of all, just stop being a bitch.

Put down that purse and pick up a ball, remote, a beer..dammit, something, anything.  I’m with Sarah Palin on this one, go shoot some Moose mufuckers, leave the cat shit be.

There, I said it.

– Lake

David Duchovny is a Sex Addict

David Duchovny just checked into rehab for sex addiction. Sex addiction?  Hey, I understand how addictions work.  Drugs get a hold of you and condition your body to react to a certain chemical.  You are hooked and your body reacts violently when it isn’t there.  Same thing with drinking.  Alcoholics have to be in that place to feel right.  Or their tolerance is so high they always fly past “buzzing” to “passing out shitty drunk” before they even know what is going on.  When you go to rehab for those things, the lock you down, you don’t have access to your drug of choice, they get you help and teach you how to live life some other way.  Sex addiction, what the hell is the rehab for this?  No more fuckin?

I agree with D-Double here.  Perish the thought.  You know sex addiction is bullshit, right?  Okay, maybe it is real, but let me tell you something.  Every single man out there between the ages of 15 and 75 is a sex addict.

It’s programmed right in there at birth.  I promise.

Here’s the thing about sex addiction.  First of all, what is the cure?  What is rehab like?  Do they just make sure you stop having sex?  You can’t exactly go cold turkey on that one.  If you like to drink, you can fight to never have another drink.  Sex addicts?  They shall fuck again.  It’s like food.  Everyone is a food addict.  I have to eat several times a day.  I always need more.  I can’t ever get enough.  Even if I get some in the morning I might need more at least twice that day.  Are fat people just food addicts that really hit it hard?  No.  That’s why there isn’t rehab for food addiction.  Gotta eat.  It’s the same thing for sex addiction.

Let’s think of the sex addicts we know.  David Duchovny and Eric Benet.  Hmmmmmmm.  Famous guys.  That means they have plenty of access to sex.  Like I said, most guys are sex addicts, we want it all the time.  But these guys can get it all the time.  New sex.  Random sex.  Women who think they love you before they meet you sex.  Stalker sex.  Chicks who keep you on their “cheat list” sex.  They can get it.  If you have to have sex all the time and you don’t have a wiling partner…you aren’t a sex addict, you are a rapist.  Ok?  That is not what we’re talking about here.  You know what the key factor is?  Honestly?  They’re married. There has never been a so called sex addict in the world who isn’t.  I guarantee it.  Because if you aren’t married, it doesn’t matter.  Wilt the stilt?  10,000 women…not a sex addict.  Gene Simmons?  Not a sex addict.  These guys aren’t checking in with a problem.  This isn’t a social epidemic.  They’re just out there having a good ol time.  Sex addiction isn’t an addiction to sex.  It is the fact that you can’t stop sleeping with someone other than your wife.  That’s what you’re addicted to…new pussy.

You know how this conversation goes right.  Guy likes to have sex more than his wife (true probably 90% of the time).  Wife doesn’t want it as much.  Guy gets frustrated.  Guy goes to fulfill his needs elsewhere.  Guy gets caught.  Who’s fault is it?  Her fault.  They work it out, maybe wifey even starts giving it up a little more.  Doesn’t matter.  He cheats again…and again.   His fault yet?  Nope.  He’s an addict.  He has a problem.  He needs to go to rehab for his sex addiction.

Rihanna ain’t buying it.

Get it?  David Duchovny was freaking Fox Mulder.

He had one of the top shows on TV for damn near a decade.  Sure his movie flopped a few weeks ago, but there is still an entire generation of freaky, semi sci-fi slightly nerdy chicks that will throw the draws at Davy D everyday.  I feel like sex addiction like getting prescribed medical marijuana.  You just need to find the right doctor and you’re home free.

My name is Brock Hardon, and I’m a sex addict.

-Brock

Afroninja: Can’t Be Faded

You know we here at Us Versus Them support our heroes.  You’ve got to keep up with where they end up.  So you need to peep out the world famous Afroninja.

I mean you have to assume that the dude had some sort of skills since he came into the video with not one, but two pair of nunchucks.  You gotta love the commentary too.  “Are you okay?  No…he’s not.”

Well, that dedication to trying to still rock his nunchuck routine after he whooped his own ass made him internet famous.

Now he’s got himself a good man haircut and apparently also a legit job.

That cat still looks crazy to me, but he’s flipped it into a real movie script about the Afroninja.  Complete with dual nunchucks.

That still looks ridiculous.  Could be funny though, but how do you stretch a 10 second mistake into a feature film?  Probably going to be a sci-fi channel special.

Man, maybe we could get Star Wars Kid to be in the next star wars movie.  He could be Anaken Skywalker’s secret apprentice, Darth Cheetoe or something.

Maybe not.

-Brock

Uncle Luke, Say it Ain’t So!

Now I’ve seen it all, we might have to shut Us Versus Them down after this one.  Hell is freezin over, pigs are flying, Lake doesn’t have any more loot in the bank account, and suddenly I like Js more than ass.

Uncle Luke, Mr. Don’t Stop Get it, get it got married.

Man he looks happy too.  The problem is, the first thing I tried to figure out when I looked at his wife was whether she is an ex-shake dancer.  Now although this is not a full length shot, I do know she’s got a fat ass.

Why is this such a problem for me?  Because here is the Luke Campbell we all know and love.

It took me about two minutes to even figure out what was going on in this picture.  I was like…oh that is whipped cream…oh that is a woman…oh damn there is another woman under there.  Does that dude look like he’s ready to settle down.

Look I went to a Luke concert in Atlanta when I was like 13.  (Pac was there…as a background dancer for Digital Underground)  Luke had women getting buck naked in front of an entire arena of people…not dancers he brought with him, I’m talking about chicks out of the crowd.  Sure…they might have worked at Magic City, but they weren’t being compensated for their performance.  I think at some point he might have gotten head on stage too.

Right.

THAT dude just got married.  Talk about not doing a background check.  He probably met her in church.

-Brock

Janet Jackson’s Right J is A-OK

Stop me if you’ve seen this before.  Remember Janet Jackson’s right tittay?

Okay, everyone has seen that before.  I have to admit, I had to rewind it when it first came out because I didn’t believe she broke it out.  That moment created an entire definition known as the “wardrobe malfunction” also knows as the “I tried some wild shit that no one thought was that cool, so I needed to act like I didn’t know it was going to happen.”

Even Big Black doesn’t believe that.

So the FCC dropped the hammer on Janet, Justin Timberlake and CBS.  I remember that they were trying to fine CBS some ridiculous amount for every affiliate station in every local market who was broadcasting the superbowl.  The total number was in the hundreds of millions.  How are you going to lose that much money for a unknown flash of titty?  What does a multimillion dollar titty even look like?  I’m an assologist, so I’m not well versed in the price of a good J.  I don’t believe I’ve ever seen a million dollar tittay.   Do you get charged more for a pair if they get flashed during the superbowl?  If I’m doing a show live from Mardi Gras and I catch a few dozen j’s in the background, can the FCC fine all of Mardi Gras?

Well apparently the FCC can’t do a damn thing because a federal court decided it didn’t have the right to make such a ridiculous deal out of it.  It is one boob, and it was on the screen for nine sixteenths of a second.  Meanwhile, they scared everyone out of doing anything on TV now.  Everything is blurred, bleeped or banned.

So if they can’t fine you anymore are boobs back in play?  How about asses?  Look, I’ll take either.  Let’s do it like the French, keep everyone butt naked.

That is sexier a flash of Janet Jackson’s boob. Bring back the tv bucked nakedness.

-Brock

Barbershop Logic: The New Gaydar

I don’t know how many of you have ever been to a black barbershop, but it is honestly one of the funniest places on earth.

It is just a bunch of Black men standing around offering either completely underinformed or hilariously overinformed opinions on everything. This one killed me though. Here’s the story.

Brian McKnight did a show here and some of the dudes in the shop went. (Of course they had to emphasize that their ladies dragged them there…and they didn’t like it) I guess at some point Brian McKnight was giving shouts out to the crowd to all the couples out there and specifically a gay male couple, saying, “I see you guys out there too, God bless you” So the original controversy was that he said “God bless you”, but the conversation rapidly turned to the fact that Brian McKnight must be gay.

Okay, first of all, 70 percent of all male pop and R&B singers automatically come under suspicion. It must have something to do with all the sensitive love songs they are putting out there. Then the barber in the booth next to me said “I always knew Brian McKnight was gay”. The debate started up “you just think that because he’s a singer”, “I thought he was gay too”, “nah, I’ve seen him in the club with some bad bitches dawg”, but my man stayed firm, 100% sure. Finally, someone called him on it and asked. “Yo why are you so sure?”

“No Pockets”

*silence*

“He never has on pockets. If your pants ain’t got no pockets…you gay” The evidence:

Damn, he’s right. No pockets. If he had pockets, the hands would be in the pockets, not on the place on his thighs where his pockets should be. I wasn’t convinced. You know me, I had to do more research.

Aw damn, I’m thinking those snakeskin pants ain’t got no pockets. There is definitely a trend here.

Then they went to Prince. I had to say, look, Prince has been with some of the baddest chicks of all time: Vanity, Carmen Electra, Apollonia, Sheena Easton, Mayte Garcia, and is currently doing it Hugh Heffner style with these two ladies.

That’s not gay to me. Sure the man wears high heels, he plays shirts vs. blouses basketball on the shores of Lake Minnetonka, but I say he’s not gay. The debate raged on until it settled down and got around to my man in the next booth.

“No Pockets”

Damn. He’s right again. Airtight logic, what could I say? I guess that gives new meaning to the term “get your pockets right”.

-Brock

“Hypermiling” – Just Get the Hell Off The Road

I get it, gas prices are high.  I’m not going to freak out about it like everyone else, but when I can’t even fill up my whole tank before the gas pump gets to the prepregrammed limit of $95 I know that something ain’t right.

I hear everyone out there struggling for gas.  I know it sucks but I’ve noticed something new and it’s pissing me off.  Have you heard of hypermiling?  It is the practice of driving in a way that allows you to get maximum mileage out of your car.  It starts with not driving like a New York cabbie.  You know going from pedal to the metal to full break every three seconds.  And it gets as extreme as drafting behind eighteen wheelers and popping your car in neutral and get pulled by the wind.

I’ve started to notice these assholes on the streets.  I mean I can’t tell you how many times in the last month I got stuck behind some Toyota Corrola going 40 miles an hour in a 55.  I expect to see this:

But instead I see some ex-dungeon master getting an extra 2 miles a gallon.

Look, either buy a car with better mileage or man up, fill up your tank and drive that damn thing.  Wanna save money, stay home or jump on the bus.  Don’t make me pay in valuable time because you don’t like gas prices.  What you cannot do is drive slow in front of me.  When you see the luxury whip coming in your rearview please slide to the side.

Thanks,

-Brock

I Hate Fake Vegetarians

Let’s just get this out of the way.  I love food.  I don’t eat anything nasty, I stay away from any thing too exotic or anything I can’t identify, but other than that, if you are a land or water animal and you are sold in the average American supermarket, you are in danger of ending up on Brock’s grill sizzling over some hot coals.

I know everyone is not down with that.  There are a few reasons to be vegetarian.

1. You don’t believe in killing animals.  Fair enough.  Everyone has got to have something they believe in.  Meat is murder, right.  Plus, Peta thing is great.  They somehow convince people to get butt naked for the cause.

We need more causes like that.

2. You don’t think meat is healthy.  I guess this sounds right.  If this was the case, all vegetarians would end up looking like Mary Kate and Ashley Olsen.  Hmmmmmm, that is not true.  I guess loading up on the bread, pasta and cheese as overcompensation for not eating an entire food group that it is our God given right to consume.

3. You just like vegetables better…I guess?  Fine, but that means you probably need to eat this stuff for protein.

Man, they don’t work to hard to make it look good huh?  Tofu is a tough road.

[Quick side thought…if I only like pussy, does that make me a “vagetarian”?  It is an exclusive diet, no meat on the menu in that department.  Discuss…we’ll revisit that later]

Okay, here’s my beef.  If you are going to be vegetarian keep it real.  Stay away from the veggie burgers, the tofu dogs, and especially this.

TOFU BOLOGNA?!?!  Come on.  You don’t eat meat, you can’t go to the lowest denominator.  People who eat meat don’t even eat bologna.  Seriously, have some principles people.  If you don’t eat meat, don’t eat meat.  Don’t eat some sort of pseudo meat to satisfy that primal urge that lives in all of us.  That’s just selling out, go hard dammit.

You know how Theo and Bill used to talk about making Bacon Burger Dogs out on the grill out back?  I don’t know what that is, but it sounds delicious.

-Brock

A Very Special UvT Message: NBA Finals Edition

As basketball season comes to a close and “the drought” aka the only damn thing on is baseball season begins it is time for us to reflect on the NBA. Now last year I was always asking “Why are you still in the league?”, but the NBA Finals are a special time. Then NBA finals produce two kinds of players. Legends of the game who go down in the annals of history…

…and muthafuckas that don’t deserve a ring.

For every Michael Jordan, there is a Jason Caffey. For every Kobe and Shaq, there is a Mark “Mad Dog” Madsen.

See that muthafucka knows he did not deserve that ring.

This year we have Scot Pollard.

That is why the Celtics can’t win. That muthafucka there is gets more than “Why the hell are you still in the league? He gets a full on That muthafucka. Does not. Deserve. A ring.

There it is. Celtics can’t win.

I’m just sayin’

-Brock

———–UPDATE—————–

OK.  So the Celtics won.  Did anyone notice that this asshole Scot Pollard changed into uniform at halftime?  What a dick.  I guess he wanted to make it look like he actually had something to do with the win.

Scot, the last game you played was in February…and it was only for 7 minutes.  You were declared out for the season on March 5th.  You had street clothes on in the first half.  What was it like to be in the locker room up by twenty and say…hmmm…we’re about to get the chip.  Maybe I should look like an actual player.  You can sleep with that?

-Brock

I Hate To Do It, But It’s Prom Season In The Hood

I’ve already been told by my people in the office that this will not be a topic that I should elaborate on too much. So I’ll just go with the “a picture is worth a thousand words” flow. But sadly, it’s Prom season in the hood yall, here we go:

Now see this I don’t get. I mean, how does a man get coaxed into rocking a Winnie the Pooh get up? And no I don’t care that your nickname has been “Pooh” since you grand mommie, who is now 43 by the way, named you that because you looked just like a pooh bear when you were born, ok? I don’t care. It’s fucking awful and so is that fake Miami Vice beach background you’re standing in front of…alright? Now, I will admit that my man’s swagger game is completely intact and at least his date is fully covered (for now), but whoever told you that shit was cool lied to you. Damn.

*Blink Blink* Help.

While I do appreciate the double up on the women Lakey style, I just can’t quite comprehend how this cat is rocking a Confederate Rebel inspired tux….I mean, baby girl’s expression on the right just about says it all. And by the way, I don’t like the look in my man’s eye. I’m really not comfortable with it. If I had to guess, I’d say he’s dreaming of a prom like this:

But who knows… Goodness.

She got me speedin in the fast lane,
Pedal to the flo’ mayne, tryna get back to her love…
Best believe she got that good thang,
She my lil hood thang, ask around they know us…
They know that’s minnee (BUSS IT) Baybaaay…
Erybody know that’s mine (BUSS IT) Baybaay…
Erybody know that’s minnee…

Ole girl on the right needs a bit of an adjustment….a lift if you will. I mean, if you had to guess how much dough these babes paid for these dresses what would you say? $180 total? And those shoes? I mean, why pay more when you can pay less? AHNT… Why am I even posting on this? This is awful and now I feel dirty. Oh, I know why, because there really aint shit going on in the news and Brock’s a mufucka! Next.

Is it just me or are all these dudes extra soft? Maybe this is just how dudes are built these days. Meaning, if you aren’t a complete thug, you’re just a yatch. I mean, what would possess a man to think he can rock a sheer hooded curtain with some strips of yella, pank and green? Fucking awful.

Ahh, finally a man who has some decent gear on. I can live with this. But wait, who is that he’s with? His MOMS!!!!? Dammit, why do cats take their mother to the prom? I never got that. I know your mom is your “best friend” but trust me, nobody wants her old ass at the prom getting hype when the Cha Cha Slide comes on. Horrible, awful. And no Bill Cosby didn’t get it.

None of it.

– Lake