Archive for the ‘Simon Cowell’ Category

American Idol Has A New Host. Uh Oh.

August 27, 2008

I have to admit.  I didn’t get with the last season of American Idol.  It is really all beginning to run together to me.  Especially since they don’t seem to be star makers anymore.  There aren’t any Kelly Clarksons or Carrie Underwoods out there.  Daughtry did his thing, but he wasn’t even a finalist.  I’ll say it, you can’t let the American People actually choose a star.  They aren’t smart enough to know what they actually want.  Honestly, the truth of the matter is I don’t actually believe they let the American people choose the winners anyway.  Anyway, they just announced that AI will be rocking a fourth judge this year.  Kara DioGuardi.

So what does everyone think.  Is she going to be niceCool?  Or mean?  Come on, there are only three prototype personalities on these shows.  OK, you can add crazy to the mix.  She’s got to be one.  I just hope she has her own opinion.  Paula doesn’t make up her own mind without Randy, that is why they never let her go first.  I guess this woman has handled the careers of several of the idols, so she knows what she’s looking for.  I’ll tell you this though…just looking at the pictures, she looks like a younger fresher version of Paula to me.

Maybe just younger.  Looks like more of what Paula is serving up here.  I actually can’t wait to see the first, no talent, fame baiting, can’t sing, crazy dressing, loser look Kara dead in the face and say “who the hell are you?”

Well Kara, you better watch your back.  If Paula ever mentions the fact that she couldn’t get her meds refilled while she was on the road…

She’ll cut your ass.  You can’t just jump on the gravy train once it’s rollin.  It sounds like about 33% too much commentary to me.  Let’s have 33% more losers looking for their 15 minutes of fame.  And bring back the real shit talking too, American Idol has gotten too soft.  Oh well, you’ve got to tweak it somehow.  This show jumped the shark when they let this dude win.

That was the beginning of the end right there.

-Brock

American Idol’s Obsession With the Gay Black Man

January 24, 2008

I was just talking to Lake this morning in our production meeting about last night’s American Idol. His comment was how happy he was that they finally had some comedy. Then I had to bring up something that has been bothering me since Season 1, “boy, American Idol brings out the gay black man like no other.” Too true. What’s with American Idol’s obsession with gay black men? What is the gay black man’s obsession with American Idol? The most recent over the top gay black man that nobody actually says is full on gay, but who clearly is and also, clearly WON’T advance to the next round because of it is this clown, Jeffery Lampkin.

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Let’s just set aside that horrible tie that’s on his head, the fact that he looks like a swollen Ruben Studdard and probably has the worst case of hyperpigmentation (real condition) this side of this dude. I mean, check out this cat’s act on last night’s show.

Lord Jesus, and they rewarded that act with a golden ticket? TWO golden tickets?! Nah, they just didn’t know how truly terrible that cat is. I do appreciate the fact that once he figured out he may have a legit chance at Hollywood he actually took that stupid tie off. Look, you don’t roll around looking like that, with that kind of perverse swagger and that ridiculous gear with that California Raisin looking dome piece without being a little crazy, delusional, fucking horrible or all three.

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Well it turns out, homey IS all three. Our UvT South Carolina investigative reporting team has just informed me that back in High School, in Manning South Carolina, Jeffrey or as he liked to be called “Black Chauncey” (Lord help) was known for outing supposed straight dudes trying to get a little unsanctioned Larry Craig activity going. He even got EXPELLED from Manning High for making a audio tape of him selling his body to some unsuspecting closeted cat for a fee! I mean, how does that work? Ok, you’re a cool cat in High School, but you’ve got this secret…you’re one of those mens that likes them mens. Fair enough, so what do you do to get that jones taken care of,oh, I know, you go to the ugliest, fattest, most flamboyant and indiscreet cat this side of the cotton gin and try to get him to break you off a little for some loot cakes? And then he turns around and outs you? I think Bart Simpson said it best, Ay Caramba. Anyway, these guys don’t care because the formula works and everybody gets paid.

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Whooo weee, Paula don’t hurt ’em. Damn.

Anyway, the closeted love affair American Idol has with making fun of gay black men is no secret to any Idol fan. I mean, just off the top of the dome any one of us can call out like 6 gay cats by name and then visualize another 15 or so sashaying their candy (no homo) arses out in front of the judges. Here’s a little walk down memory lane, Rule No. 1 violator style:

Remember Terrell and Derrell Brittenum aka the Idol twins?

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errrrrr

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Of course you do. That’s how fucking terrible they were. Thugged out too. Jeez, what a horrible combination. Bad enough that these cats roll like they do, but then they’re criminal in their ahem endeavors too….AND there are TWO of them?! Hell naw.

What about Nathaniel Golden Jr.? I mean, this cat is such a piece of work that we need only roll the muthafuckin tape homies.

The only thing that saves this joint is the hilarious commentary that follows. That Paula “honey you sang off key” is almost my favorite. Clearly that “Listen Nate, it just was terrible dude” still ranks as one of the best lines in all of reality tv history. Next…

What about Tony Braxton’s alleged cousin Derek Braxton. Talk about at ridiculous cat.

LOL, I never even knew that video exist. Crazy. I liked Randy’s line, “Dude, nothing about singing do you have going on.” Look at this fool’s rhetoric at the end. Geez.

And what about some of the cats who were actually decent. They may have been decent, but let’s fact it, they weren’t exactly feeling Paula’s shameless advances toward them after each song:

Anwar Robinson….

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Definitely a captain in the AI scribble nation, hence this online dating profile where he asks for his ahem “man” to be slender, athletic and awww hell, I can take it. Next…

Gedeon (note the spelling) McKinney

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And no, that ain’t the people’s eyebrow…It’s some combo of mascara, gel and some of that holy healing Ted Haggard used to put on a few sinners he got hold of. Remember when Simon said “I don’t know, I just don’t like your smile”….oh yes, we all knew what he was talking about.

Look, I know the performance arts have been attracting the gay black man since Leroy on Fame, but don’t let yourself get played on national TV. Oh and American Idol, I don’t appreciate the fact that you are going soft on cats this year by removing the full frontal attacks on looks, weight, and mental capacity yet you still allow the truly flamboyant to fully play themselves on national TV. The judges shit talking is actually the best part of the show. The “real competition” doesn’t get interesting until 8 weeks left which it probably sometime in mid-April. Don’t lose interest early Idol, you’re already falling out of the star making business.

-Brock