Archive for the ‘Now You Know You Done F*cked up Right?’ Category

Tatum O’Neal Cracks Up

June 3, 2008

Tatum O’Neal was picked up buying crack on Sunday. Yes that is as crazy as it sounds. Sure, it isn’t that interesting that she’s on drugs, but who smokes crack? Also, if you’re famous, can’t you get your crack delivered? Plus, if I had to guess, Tatum would have been a cocaine chick. You know, crackheads are like meth tweakers, they usually end up looking like this:

If you’re on cocaine, you can still look like this:

Seriously, I’m not into drugs, but you gotta go for the clean high right? You don’t go to that crack rock until you hit the bottom. You know, you need to be living in a car and eating crackers and ketchup before you go to the crack rock. Invest in your high. What do rich people get high on these days? Ambien? Oxycontin? Red Bull, Codiene and Viagra? Hell I don’t know. But drop a couple of dollars on the good stuff.

As always, Us Versus Them always tracks down the interviews no one else can get. This time the interns were able to track down Tatum’s ex husband John McEnroe for his exclusive statement on the topic.

You ain’t lied John, you ain’t lied.


Inside the Polygamist Cult: Someone Call A Stylist!

April 23, 2008

The news about the polygamist sect in Texas that had all of their children seized last week is national news for a lot of reasons. They all live in one big compound. The men take several wives. A sixteen year old called to say that she was pregnant and had beed forced to marry. It is really a wild situation all around.

Here’s my problem. Why do all the women look like this?

Let’s start with the obvious things. The prime polygamist apparently sent down a decree that told everyone to grow their hair out long and swoop it to the right in what I like to call the Vanilla Ice style. One of the women was asked by Meredith Viera why everyone wears their hair like that on the today show and her response was “we all like to grow it long and we like this style”, which is code for, “bitch, don’t ask me no question like that. Don’t you know I’ll catch an ass whooping when I get back to the compound behind that question?” Second, who got the deal on the big shouldered 80’s style blue cotton? What’s the point of having lots of women if you are going to dress them all like that? Who made the unibrow rule? And the sect HQ is clearly a no makeup zone. Hey, I’m not even a make up dude, but all of these women look like they’ve gotten hit with whatever the opposite of Botox is.

Here’s my thing. I contend that there are always women who you can tell just need a little help and they would be bad. You know, they’ve got some ass under those terrible clothes. If they got their hair done or lost 10 pounds, they would be bad. You know, those babes in college that could leave for a summer, marinate, and come back bad as hell with tail and j’s popping out of nowhere. I’ve seen countless pics of these women, and haven’t seen a single woman that I could tell every guy looked at and said, “I want her to be my fourth wife. This chick on the left might be working with something…but I only say that because her grill is completely covered by her hands.

I guess the outfits are inspired by the 50’s. Here’s my thing. I can look at a picture of a woman from the 50’s and know that if you threw her in some Seven Jeans and a sexy top and she can get it.

See, turrible shoes and hair that looks like she might have actually been wearing that ridiculous hat right before that picture was taken. But she’s got the face, J’s and thighs. Throw her in some modern gear and that ain’t nothing but Lindsay Lohan.

Meanwhile all the men in the sect dress like this:

Dockers and a button up? Now see, that ain’t right. They could at least keep it real and dress like the amish. You can’t make your women look like frankenstein shouldered stepford wives and you get to roll like everyday is casual Friday. If your women are going to look fucked up, you should look fucked up too.

Look, if I ran a polygamist cult, I’d have to get down like Hef. Here’s my dress code.

That’s how polygamy should be done right there. What’s the point of having multiple wives if they are all built like 15 year old boys, look 10 years older than they really are, and are all ugly as hell. That’s like going to an all you can eat buffet where all they serve is uncooked, unseasoned tofu. NO one is signing up for that deal.


R. Kelly Trial: The Most Unshocking “GOTCHA” in Legal History

April 22, 2008

Prosecutors in the R. Kelly trial launched their Law & Order style attack on aRa today in court. In trying to prove that he likes young girls, they are whipping out…gasp!…evidence that he married a 15 year old Aaliyah when he was 27. Shocker!

That’s not exactly Columbo type material there. It is actual fact. I think the papers are filed in the state of Illinois. If there was an official marriage, then it was probably legal…dontchathink? Sure, R. Kelly seems to be a sick, sick dude. You know the saying where there’s smoke, there’s fire? Well, right now it is smokier than four weed heads getting their smoke on in a car that is billowing black smoke, with a smoked ham in the trunk, with Smokey Robinson on the radio. The problem is…R. Kelly is fanning the flames with stuff like this:

Yeah, the female tongue belt buckle probably isn’t going to help.

The mask probably wasn’t a good idea either.

Also, if you are going to use the “wadden’t me” defense it is probably a good idea to make your sex tape in a regular room in front of a white wall. Getting it on in your freaking “log cabin” bonus room when you actually have a log cabin bonus room at your house probably isn’t the best idea in the world. I know…I know it was photoshopped, or a doppelganger, or your cousin Brock was at your house that day. Whatever.

Well R. finally figured out that he needs to lay low. So now he is wearing a disguise everywhere he goes.

Niiiice. Real inconspicuous. Dress like Goldylocks before your child exploitation trial. Dammit aRa. You are a musical genius…leave teh young girls alone. I know, you didn’t do it. Jigga – Kelly, not guilteeeee!


The Gold Diggers Strike Back – Tricia Walsh Smith

April 18, 2008

Now you can tell from those crazy ass eyes that this is going to be good…

This is the craziest, greatest, most delusional, then just plain crazy again video I’ve seen in a long, long time. Now this is waaaaay longer than any video I’d actually ask you to watch in it’s entirety. It is six minutes long but there are so many gems in here that it is hard to skip around. I had to take notes just to keep up with this crazy chick.

Oh god, where do I start?

Let’s start with Tricia and her husband Phil. I think visually we all know what is going on here. Phil went on ahead and flipped his $60 Million into a relatively young and apparently semi-famous UK actress/tenderoni.

That tells us that this transaction…errrrrrr…marriage was about loot from the start. Tricia likes to keep it comfortable.

Second, let’s talk about the production value on this thing, full on title card, the camera crew had lighting (that they couldn’t keep out of the frame) and the subtitles are great “Tricia Walsh-Smith Actress/Writer/Good Egg” just let’s you know that this is a high-lo situation from the start. High in that you have an editor…lo in that someone actually thinks that describing yourself as a “good egg” is the best way to convey that Trish here is in the right. That must be some British shit right there.

I love the way people in New York call their fully-owned, multi-million dollar, nine room homes “apartments”. The rest of America calls those “condos”, an apartment is something you rent and it is counted by the number of bedrooms you get. But I digress.

Let’s talk about the strength of the prenup.

Whoo-weeeee, talk about contracting straight to the point. Phil had a “get the fuck out right now” clause built into his prenuptual agreement. Thirty days notice. You can’t even get out of a cell phone contract that fast. No holdover, no transition, all he needs is a reason for divorce. Dinner with another man? Get the fuck out. Personal Trainer “spotting” you for your lunges? Get the fuck out. Accidentally deposit my money into the “wrong” account? Get the fuck out. Post all of my business on YouTube? Get…the…fuck…out.

Well Trish knows the clauses of the contract pretty tight. She gets a “pension” of half a milly a year for the rest of her life and the Florida “Apartment”, which from the looks of the NY “apartment” is probably a four story, beachfront mansion with panoramic views. It actually looks like the whole fight was over whether or not the Park Avenue apartment also kicks over into her pocket when the guy dies. OK, so she said she doesn’t understand Phillip’s (sounds like Flip’s when she says it) grounds for divorce? Let me tell you, If my wife, who I’ve already contractually promises 500k a year and a paid for home in Florida if I kick the bucket comes up to me and starts talking about other shit she might want when I die? I might divorce her ass too. First of all, let’s stop talking about when I die young whipper-snapper. Second of all, if you refer to Section 12, Paragraph C…that’s my shit. Mmmmmk?

By the way, if the woman you want to marry refers to the Tarot as “my cards”, run the other way. (Much respect to my N.O. peoples and the Hatians…but Phil shoulda taken one look into those crazy eyes and that pack of tarot cards and gone elsewhere. Also, why the hell do you marry a younger chick if you aren’t going to have sex with her. Get yourself a old lady that can provide companionship, not some young crazy golddigging ex-actress.

So then old girl goes for the crazy call that wasn’t all that crazy. This whole thing is starting to look staged to me. Sure, anyone can call my secretary and talk about my porn, my viagra and my condoms, but who really cares? You best believe Brock’s secretary wouldn’t be interrupting my conference call to ask me where to put my condoms and porn. The answer would just be “in my nightstand next to my videotapes of you butt naked and your vibrator.

The subtitles on the picture are absolutely priceless, the “nasty evil stepdaughter”.

Tricia then spends the last two minutes talking about the plays that she’s written and her flagging acting career. That is why this whole thing looks like B.S. to me. It plays out just like a bad writer put it together and it is being acted out by a bad actress.

If I was Phil I wouldn’t have let myself become a “drama in real life”, but hey, it looks like ol’ girl needs to find new ways to earn money so she can stop trying to kill me off.

Fellas, do you want to know a foolproof way to avoid this situation? Stay aways from chicks with crazy eyes. You see Tricia Walsh Smith up top. Here’s the crazy ass Runaway Bride.

Shoulda known.

Not that you need to be told, but stay away from Hottie from Flavor Of Love too.

Damn, her crazy eye went crazy eye. Yikes.


Can You Hear Naomi Now?

April 7, 2008

Naomi Campbell is a world famous supermodel.

Naomi Campbell

She’s know for being beautiful, she’s known for strutting down the catwalk, she’s know for rocking ridiculously large stunna shades at all times, she’s also known for pushing 40 and keeping those J’s perky apparently.

Anyway, you know how you have friends who always do certain things. You know, the guy who fights when he’s drunk, the dude who wants to go eat a 6am every time he goes to the club, or the guy who will always yell out “stripclub!” when you are trying to figure out what to do at night? (By the way, Lake is all three of those guys) You know, people who just react a certain way in a certain situation…Well apparently Ms. Campbell likes to throw phones at people.

Peep this rap sheet:

  • In 2000, she pleaded guilty in a Toronto court to a 1998 assault on Georgina Galanis, her then assistant; Campbell had assaulted Galanis with a telephone in a hotel room and threatened to throw her out of a moving car. So she started out with the hotel phone. You could actually catch a serious beatdown with a hotel phone.
  • In March 2005, Campbell allegedly slapped assistant Amanda Brack and beat her around the head with a BlackBerry personal organizer. Not the Blackberry beatdown. Is that like getting pistol whipped? Look, once you get hit once with a Blackberry you gotta start some head movement, slap it out of her hand, or something. How do you get hit more than once with a Blackberry?
  • On March 30, 2006 in New York City, Campbell was arrested for allegedly assaulting her housekeeper with a jewel-encrusted mobile phone, resulting in a bloody head that required several stitches. This is the bling beatdown. I’m going to hope this once was either thrown or she snuck up on this chick from behind.

  • On October 25, 2006, Campbell was arrested in London on suspicion of assault; she was released on police bail. Okay, this one may be more open. Maybe she beat someone down with a pager, or a sidekick, perhaps even a walkie-talkie…wanted to mix it up a little bit.
  • On April 3, 2008 Campbell was arrested at Heathrow‘s Terminal 5. A police statement suggests the model was held on suspicion of assaulting a police officer. Oh this one is the killer. You can’t even pretend that you are going to start some shit in an airport without catching the rubber glove treatment. This chick went on ahead and beat down a cop with a phone.

So how did this work? Don’t you have to drop the phone in the metal detector before you roll though security? Does she know some kind of ninja phone-jitsu where she has these things strapped to the small of her back, one in her boot, and one up her sleeve like a damn ninja throwing star?

So this chick has to go down this time, right? You can’t beat down a cop in an airport with a phone. Hey, let’s look on the bright side. At least this chick didn’t start this shit in the 80’s.

If she was rolling like Gordon Gekko, she might have killed a motherf*cker by now.


Guilty: Remy Is Going to Jail

March 27, 2008

SURPRISE!! Nobody’s favorite rapper Remy Mom is on her way to the big house.


What, you can’t just shoot your friend in front of one of the busiest nightlife sections of NYC and get away with it? What is this world coming to? Again, here is a picture of wild Remy and her ex lady friend, the one she busted a cap in over 3 stacks.


Damn these broads are rough. I hate to say it, but I’d be willing to be that Don Imus was looking at these babes before he threw dirt on the Rutgers Hoops squad for no reason.


And how do you go from “let’s go out to Pop Burger Tonight” to “where da bitch at?” followed by rapid gunfire to the stomach piece inside of one evening? I mean, if I was going to shoot Brock’s punk ass over some low shit, the least I’d do is wait for the argument to marinate a little bit and I sure as hell wouldn’t be rolling with the cool steel talkin about “That’s my word, if this fool says one more thing to me about dat Allison Stokke post, he’s a goner. ” I mean, damn. Let the murderous rage marinate ladies.. Let it simmer, see?


Anyway, I wonder if Remy will be going to Rikers to meet up with Foxy Brown?


Help….Ok, that wasn’t fair. We’ll show a flattering pic of Fox Boogie.


Happy? You know ole girl hasn’t been doing well with her bid. She’s been all wild in the news, asking for medical discharge and the like. I mean, come on babe, all this bitching and crying is fucking up your studio gangster ghost writer credibility.

I think Ms. Ma is a bit different though. Don’t get me wrong, she’s just as crazy as Foxy, only I think Remy really is thugged the fuck out on the rizzeal.


Shoot, I’d be willing to be almost anything that in a matter of weeks she’ll be trading cigarette packs for young nubile hoe meat on the open pokey market.


On thing I do appreicate, at least the fashion police can close their Federal Inquiry into that horrible fashion sense and correspondingly turrible ass gear.


Goodness! See ya in 5 to 25 years errr 36 months, Ma.

– Lake

Study: 1 Out of 4 US Teens Have an STD

March 12, 2008

Damn, something about that doesn’t seem right, but then again there is this:



So I guess it all makes sense:

You know who is really pissed off? This dude.


Then again, I guess if all he wants to do is pee on chicks, he’s ok from distance.


Ha, yes I’m an asshole. But this time it’s for a good cause.

– Lake

Fake Thugs Stand Up: Margaret Seltzer Exposed

March 5, 2008

I’m not sure about yall, but I find this story pretty damn funny. It seems that some 33 year old white woman, Margaret Jones Seltzer, who really goes by the name “Peggy” and rocked the Pen Name “Margaret B. Jones” completely fabricated a memoir about how she grew up in a South Central Los Angeles foster home and ran drugs for the Bloods street gang since the age of 12.


Right, it was either that or she grew up in a suburban neighborhood, with both parents and no kinds of gang contact or drug affiliation… Ha. Yo, this is so good. I mean, just look at this broad. If I just gave you this picture with no other context, I mean, the Mom’s jeans, the horrible lack of make-up, bullshit hairstyle and that garbage stoic face she’s got going, would you think this is a Blood OG or a terrible chick preparing for picnic in a couple days?


And of course it got exposed by her own sister. I mean, did this broad actually think she could get away with this? And I loved how she rocked some ridiculous street accent and peppered in the terms “OG” or “My Homies” here and there.


What a fucking joke. This babe duped Penguin Publishing, NPR, Oprah’s Magazine and countless media outlets.


I’ll refrain from my standard joke that the closest this chick ever came to the “Thug Life” was a gang bang she got in August, but I won’t, because it’s just not funny and I don’t make cheap jokes like that. Nice try, next time be smart about it, peddle your fraudulent life in the UK and then work your way back to the US…. Like my main man Ali G.


*SNAP* Keep it real..

– Lake

International Pimp of the Year: Edison Chen!

February 21, 2008

With all this talk about sex tapes out there, I figured that we should highlight the true king of the international players. His name is Edison Chen.


Talk about a playa from the Himalayas, not only did this cat slay like every single Hong Kong starlet, he got them all on camera giving him hizzead!! I mean, really hitting them off like it was some jerk jock from a small town High School football team, but these babes are among the best known chicks in all of Hong Kong entertainment and high society.

And in case you’re wondering, they aint ugly. Here’s movie star and singer Cecelia Cheung:


And here’s Cecelia Cheung Edison’s way (The other way – Marlo):


Incidentally, this babe is a DIME!!! Jeez. Here’s Actress Bobo Chan one way:


But young Edison hit it, flicked it and flipped it….the other way:


And just so you know, it’s not that there aren’t other pictures…oh there are NSFW ones of Bobo Chan right HERE, and HERE it’s just that among the 85 shots this cat has of Bobo, this is literally the ONLY ONE I felt comfortable posting on my blog. Pimp or Die, Edison, PIMP OR DIE!!!!

Then we have the lovely and I do mean lovely Ms. Gillian Chung, the singer, writer, actress triple threat who looks like dis:


Oh, that’s fierce baby, and dis:


But my man Eddy had her like dis:


And this:


Then she held a presser apologizing for all this mess where she looked like this:


Damn, even when she’s crying she looks good. I guess the Wu had it right after all.

I mean, the list goes on and on. Some babe named Vincy Chung, Rachel Ngan (by the way, why do they all have American sounding names?), Cathy Leung and some one named babe named Jolin. Oh I know what you’re thinking, “What about Candice Chan“.. Yes, he fucked her too…and he’s got it on film. Jeez, in fact, look, if you want all of this cat’s conquests, just go ahead and download the most recent compilation of all his NSFW pics Here. It’s literally a couple hundred shots of Hong Kong’s most sought after young starlets.


It’d be like if Lake errr Justin Timberlake, who probably has banged out and taped all kinds of hot Hollywood stars, came out with pictures of Britney, Jessica Alba, Scarlett Johansson, Jessica Biel (stop me any time when I’ve mentioned a chick Justin hasn’t hit.. got dammit!), Lindsay Lohan, Paris Hilton (gotta drop a lo one in there), Kim Kardashian (Justin had to hit that, right?), Rihanna (sorry, Ri, but if you can’t dance, you can’t cut) and Megan Fox. You name her and Edison has hit, taken and picture and dimed her out to the entire world.


The only problem is that Edison actually did his job too well. See some wild computer technician jacked these pics from his PC when he took it in for maintenance (duh) and it had shots of high powered cat’s fiancee on there and influential business men’s daughters, too. Awwww, you mean there won’t be a happy ending? Ha.. damn, that was unintentional. Anyway, nah, Edison is now a marked man, hell, some wild Chinese mafia cat has placed $90,000 for anyone who can deliver one of Edison Chen’s hands to him.


Maaaaayne, I don’t mess with them Asian thugs. They got that extra look in their eye.. It’s that old school thug twankle of yore that I want no parts of.. Anyway, it seems that Edison wants no parts of it either. Homey went ahead and RETIRED because of this. Peep his rhetoric:

Damn, Edison sounds like a white boy from Exeter. I’m not saying I expected a hot voice over ala Bruce Lee, but he could have at least given me an accent to add to the drama. Oh I see, Edison is Canadian-Chinese, nice. Damn, Eddie, I know some more pics came out with you and some chick named Kira, but stay strong bro. Just look at it this way, you’ll go down in history as the biggest Asian pimp to ever run game. I mean, you had them all and now everybody knows it. Just keep your hands to yourself and you’ll live to pimp again.

Oh and by the way, I’ve taken the liberty of attaching this NSFW video with some of Edison’s work. DO NOT CLICK THIS IF YOU ARE AT WORK. It starts off slow and takes some time to load, but it picks up later and gets very aggressive toward the middle and end. Enjoy.

Vodpod videos no longer available. from

Pimp or Die baby….

– Lake

Andy Pettitte is a stankin’ cheater

February 21, 2008

Hey, what’s up with these idiots in the NY media acting like Andy Pettitte was courageous for admitting to his HGH use?


First off, in the past he always lied about his illegal HGH use. Then he lied about how many times he used it. The only reason why he copped to what he did was because McNamme fingered him. And how do we know that he didn’t use other drugs? He lied before, why not lie again? Come on.


This idiot Tom Friend buried Barry Bonds, but now he’s saying he doesn’t consider Pettitte a cheater? Oh, I get it.


I can’t tell what’s wilder about this pic, the fact that Mrs. C. HGH’d up and got rock hard or the way she’s griping up on that ‘Roided up dack.  lol.


Now I get how these media types work, if you like the guy and can identify with him, he’s not a cheater, even when he admitted to illegal drug use. If you think the dude isn’t a nice guy and you can’t identify with him, then he’s a liar and a cheater. I love the Sports Media. A bunch of hypocritical hacks who couldn’t make it in the legitimate news biz but now allow their own personal biases and prejudices completely taint all semblance of integrity in their reporting.


I know, I know, you’re paid to have an opinion and just are doing your job. I know. Ridiculous.

– Lake