Posts Tagged ‘Pete Wentz’

Ashlee Simpson’s “Fairy Tale” Wedding?

May 22, 2008

I would love to ignore this Ashlee Simpson-Pete Wentz marriage deal, but when you walk by a news stand or look on the internet, it’s like all you see, right? 

I mean, even the dog has that “mufucka PLEEZ” look on his face.  Lol.  He knows shit aint right.  Anyway, why is it that you just can’t get away from these two?  Now I’m not going to say Pete is a worthless artist because I really don’t know the cat and I must admit, I did love that “Arms Race Remix” with Lil Wayneand the fellas, so he gets a few cool points on that front, but let’s not forget that his lady is a certified fraudulent, no talent, platinum selling “singer.”  Remember that SNL debacle?

Lol.. Boy oh boy was that ever great.  And I just happened to be watching that night.  Perfection!  And just in case you believed her story about “losing her voice,” peep her act when she was at full strength and got boo’d the fcuk off the stage:

Holy smokes was that awful.  Ha.. And the best thing about it is how she really believed she nailed it.  I mean, before that chorus of boo’s kicked her in that candy ass, she had this self-assured “I’mma rock star” look on her face.  Jeez.  I need to look at that again. 

Anyway…all that being said, it’s not like the girl doesn’t deserve to find “true love” ala The Bachelor.  But somehow, I’m just not buying her and young Peter Wentz.  First off, you can just look at the boy and see that something aint right with him, even beyond the “look at me, I’m different” bullshit.  Rule of thumb, if your man rocks more eye liner than you and really believes in that zoolander, half puckered, half parted, gay face lip, run for the farging hills! 

I mean, look at this cat.  Stevie Wonder can see that this cat is sweeter than grandmama’s fruit salad with extra honey.  Then if you don’t want to accept inuendo or judgment based on appearance, just know that this cat SAID HE LIKED DUDES.  I mean, ADMITTED IT! 

“Anybody above the waist is totally fair game, but I’m not a fan of penises.”

Ahem, say what? 

Are you kidding me?  Homey even admitted that he’s kissed men! 

WTF?  Now, let’s go back to that “Fairy Tale Wedding”… Listen, the wedding can’t be Fairy Tale if your groom is looking sideways at the damn groomsmen and quite literally dreaming about some wild Fairy Tail!  I mean, not liking dack is a good start for any modern man, but that just means he’s giving and not receiving.  And I aint talking Idol Gives Back neither.  Jeez.  I mean, I can see getting tricked by a dude who is on the Down Low plan, but how can you marry a dude that YOU KNOW is willing to take swings from the other side of the plate?   

And let’s be clear, there will be no shortage of semi gay, try-sexual, drugged-out space cadets ready to get their “I just kissed Pete Wentz” on from now until eternity during those suspect ass concert tours.  Jeez, just like Hilly C., Ashley just shows a talent for humiliation and pure stupidity.  I mean, honestly, how long do you guys give this couple?  18 months?  24 Months maybe?  And what does Ashley do when Pete tries to get freaky and hit the backdoor? 

Yikes.  I mean, this cat might hit the ball, skip second third and home plate and just slide right into 5th base.  And when he does hit that 5th base, as a wife, you can’t really ask why.  I mean, you should have known that any dude who needs to tell you he’s not “into penis,” has issues that might adversely impact your “fairy tale” marriage.  Hey Pete, this is probably the first time I happily told a cat this and here goes:

And Ash, not that you didn’t already know this, but:

Enjoy each other.  I just hope both the pre-nup and condoms are trapped in very tight because both are sure to be tested….soon.  Yikes.

– Lake