Man Up Monday: Guys Who Put the Toilet Seat Down

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This “rule” is always hilarious to me. Every dude runs into this lecture long about 3am after you are chillin’ over at a chicks house and she makes that middle of the night dash to the bathroom. She comes back and hits you with the demand that you put down the toilet seat. Sure, I’ve heard it is the rule, but who thinks about that when you are buzzin’ after the party, and can only concentrate on how good that post-cut piss feels. In fact, she should be happy that I even took the time to put the toilet seat up. I coulda just hosed the whole spot down. Fine, I’ll follow rules if it means I can cut on the regular. Then came lesson #2. “Put the toilet seat down” apparently also doesn’t mean this.

Toilet seat down, right? Nah, this ain’t it. Apparently this just means that the chick catches an assfull of icy cold porcelain in the middle of the night. So I initially thought this was just some kind of aesthetic demand, but then I figured out that these chicks just back it on in in the dark. Come on, you don’t at least check it? Is that the benefit of sitting down, that you don’t need the lights so aim so you just take the next step and feel around in the dark like the blind?

So FYI, here is what they’re looking for.

Locked, loaded and ready to go. I guess.

How about this, it is man up Monday fellas. Here’s the new rule. Do what I do. When a girl comes by the crib, demand that she leaves your toilet seat UP.

That’s what I’m talking about. Make it convenient for what I’ve got to do. I might even start trying to shoot in the dark too. Why not? It’s my mf’n house. I’ll work it out eventually. As long as I don’t catch that post-nut split stream.

Don’t act like it’s just me.

Fellas. Man Up!

-Brock

===========Update============

Dude, you aint never lied about this one.  I hate that bullshit “I’ll fallen in” nonsense.  If you fell in, it’s your own damn fault.

It’s not like men don’t have to put the seat down to hit up #2, we do and my dude, I aint fallen in yet.  I wonder why that is, oh yes, BECAUSE I’M AN ADULT WHO LOOKS DOWN BEFORE PUTTING MY ASS ANYWHERE, UmmmKay?

Yall chicks are too much.  Don’t you have enough in this world?  Engagement rings, presumptive payment of your dranks and dinners, warnings on traffic tickets, “ladies free before Eleven”….   I know, I know, “I’ve got the money to buy my own”, sure, but do you got money to buy MINE too?  Because that’s what I’m expected to have errrytime I hit the streets.  And dudes, believe me, if you don’t have the jack to pay for the whole night, just keep it low with a “it’s not delivery it’s DiGiornos” and your blockbuster pick of the week.  I mean, if you don’t got it, don’t even try.  You can’t win.

Anyway, this just aint something I’m willing to compromise on.  Seat stay up yall.  And don’t think that because the seat stays down your man or worse, the dude you’re just messing with won’t play target practice on the seat down toilet…he will.  WE ALL HAVE BEFORE.

Don’t sleep, you want that hole as large and spacious as you can possibly get it.  Talk about falling in, you’ll think you’re at that Chi Town aRa Kelly Memorial Water Park messing with Lake Jr. after a night flying with the Goose.  Book it, seats up!

– Lake, King of the Castle

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11 Responses to “Man Up Monday: Guys Who Put the Toilet Seat Down”

  1. Manuva Says:

    My buddy and I talked about this recently and didn’t get it either. Why can’t ladies just learn to put the toilet seat down themselves? Don’t you think you would at least make a feel for where you’re about to put you’re bare ass down?

    When you drop trou and sit down, at least make sure you don’t fall into the bowl. It’s like a man forgetting to unbutton his zipper before taking a piss.

  2. KIR in NV Says:

    I’m a lid down (not seat down) girl myself. I don’t like the look of the toilet OPEN every time I step into the room. And I think I saw a Dateline segment where they showed all the airborne germs flying out of the toilet on every flush…ick. I never understood chicks falling in because I always look before I sit too. Plus I worked at a place where the guys wrapped the bowls with plastic wrap as a joke. I never got caught but it always made me inspect before sitting, just in case.

  3. Be On It Says:

    Do men not have more pressing matters that they have to complain about the position of the toilet seat? Complaining about it is really just a matter of feeling that you should complain because women get to gripe about so many other things. Wanna trade? I’ll gladly take lax attitudes about male sexuality and self control, no hormonal contraceptives, no menstral cycle, the other 30% in pay that I’m supposed to get, no childbirth, and the ability to not have to be uber-diligent about fitness and appearance because, hey I’m a guy, in exchange to hearing the occasional b!tching about a friggin toilet seat.

    And Lake, I do have enough for mine and his, but there is really never a reason for me to have to buy his.

    As for the toilet, I’ve never fallen in, but I have come close (in my defense, I was SUPREMELY drunk). With the way my bathroom is set up, I get visual confirmation if the seat is up or down almost as soon as i walk in, even in the dark (I have really good night vision for some reason).

  4. Will Says:

    Be is part Night-Creature with nighttime vision! Sweeet! lol

    I had two out-loud moments reading this blog (thus gaining the attention of co-workers)

    1) the post-nut split stream pic (masterfully done)

    and

    2) chick bare ass-ed on toilet… which prompting a hilarous discussion on how some random fetish guys (or chix I guess) would find that attractive and ‘favorite’ this blog hoping for more. hehehe

    UvT 🙂

  5. Free Pac Man Says:

    Is it just me or do women look thicker sitting on toilets.. lolz.

  6. Gary B Says:

    WHAT? Attractive women run the world. That alleged 30% pay cut is off set by the fact that a woman can live in her mother’s house until she’s 35 and it’s still all good. A dude does that and he’s a deadbeat. A chick doesn’t need a car. A chick doesn’t need money to go out. A chick doesn’t need to work to get sex and a chick can literally sex her way to the top. Now, all these things may seem degrading to your women, but at least they’re options! Menstrual contraception and all the rest of that spaceship shit that doesn’t make no sense doesn’t mean anything to me. That’s like me complaining about my fiery male temper that was passed down to me from the cavemen. Whatever. And that engagement ring is ridiculous. 2 months gross salary.. Oh hell the no not!!!!

  7. soleufa Says:

    “post-nut split stream”
    phrase of the year

  8. Lake Arlington Says:

    Be, that’s precisely my point though. You don’t have to roll with dough. EVERY legitimate dude has to. And don’t lose your loot or that job either. You’re GONZO. All I’m saying is that all this hoopla about the seat being down is a trash and I won’t stand for it. I mean, if it’s down, it’s down. But all that chit chat and yip yap as if I’m fuckin up when I leave that seat in a comfortable position for me..I can’t have it.

    Hey, Be, it’s a new day out here. Time for the independent woman to meet the progressive man. And yes, that night vision talk definitely adds “cyber sexy” points to Be’s already stellar resume. I just know I’ll never get a pic though. The legend will just grow and then finally one day I’ll receive an email with a like 4 stacks of Benjamins, a tub of that ass gel and a hype chick with a Duke Basketball shirt on… Then and only then will I know that we’ve got the real Be….UvT Lady of the Year… Quietly, I like Kir’s man’s lady flow too…. Nice work ladies, but the seat still stayz up. thx.

  9. Be On It Says:

    Just to be clear, I will Never, EVER do the ass gel. That’s what squats and Taco Bell are for.

    Damn, i was going to jus send a snapshot, but golly, I’ve got to bring the whole makeup, hair done (no extensions, just for you Lake), and proper lighting. Folks charge too much for airbrushing and Photoshop, so we’ll have to work with what I got.

    And, I am more than ready to be a progressive woman. But, I understand when guys get all sexist when they’re the ones carrying the load. I had one dude where I had more stacks, nicer car, etc., and I damn sure expected dinner and a clean house when I came home and he’d been there all day. Let’s just say I had to upgrade.

  10. KIR in NV Says:

    @ Lake: Wanna leave the seat up? That’s fine. Just don’t pout when some of the considerations you’ve come to expect from me dry up. I’m not talking about petty tit-for-tat BS here but to me, it’s little things like this that let me know where the relationship is headed. I’m less likely to extend small courtesies if I don’t see some reciprocation. Over the term of the relationship, my level of investment will match your level of investment.

    Do the Goose and the chicken wings continue to magically appear during your Sunday afternoon sports TV watching? They do if my toilet seat is down. Do you get first dibs on the sports page every morning over breakfast? Yes, if you make sure my whip is firing on all cylinders and the needle usually points to F when I jump in. How about the – ahem – “special treatment” you love so much? Not a problem when you take care of the wobbly ceiling fan that keeps me awake at night. Yes, these are all things I could easily do for myself but they tell me a lot about you, and the value you place on our relationship, if you handle them for me. It says, “I’m paying attention. I’m looking for things to make you feel appreciated everyday. I want you to be happy.” This should be a two-way street…doing the little things.

    On the flip side: if you know that situation (seat up) is one that will set it off for your lady, why get it started? That’s something I can’t get with. When someone asks you NOT to do something because it bothers / annoys / angers them, why do it? I do know my girls get all crazy about the most minor details so I can kinda understand the passive-agressive male response. In a healthy relationship, these sorts of behaviors shouldn’t be the rule.

    Lastly, it’s not all about the money and the job. As Be pointed out, we’re willing to work with a dude who has less. Just show us some effort. Some initiative. Sounds like Be had to cut the dude loose because he didn’t handle his end of the deal, not because his account balance didn’t stack up.

  11. lola Says:

    Here’s why you should put the seat down, because touching the toilet seat everytime you have to go to the bathroom is DISGUSTING. It’s crawling with germs and I don’t want to put it down everytime I use the bathroom it’s unsanitary and unnecessary since the guy who used it last should have put it down. Everytime a girl uses a toilet they’re going to have the seat down. Guys also have the seat down half the time so since the majority of the time the toilet is being used the seat is down it should STAY DOWN when not in use. And how is refusing to put down a circle of wood going to make you more of a man? It’s not, it’s going to make you look like an obnoxiuos jerk who doesn’t care about the females that he is sharing this bathroom with. Also, leaving it up doesn’t necessarily make it more conveniant for you. Chances are someone, most likely the girl you’re living with, will go to the bathroom in between the times you do and she will be putting the toilet seat down, leaving you to put it back up. So what’s really the point? How about manning up and putting the toilet seat down.

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