Reason #22 Why Fake Boobs Suck: XTina

Dead up, I hate the fake J game. I actually find it fairly insulting. The ONLY time a fake J upgrade is really appreciated is when a babe is rocking a sweater and even then they’re running around calling the real top shelf keeper of the superior J’s in question.

(And yes I did slap a Triple B inspired asterisk on this chick based on the comments section.  It really is just like steroids.  It’s cheating and I won’t stand for it!)

See what I mean? Just nasty.  I think baby girl needs an adjustment like a dude with a bad rug. Them tittays don’t match anymore. And this chick has a damn child. I know he’s even more pissed than me. Ok, ok, I’d be lying if I said they NEVER look good:

Dayum.. silky smooth and powerful like a Kobe Bean three ball. But see hers are all set up by the great midsection and nearly non-existent suit. I’m not sure about the rest of the fellas, but I break for the hip bone on the silky smooth stomach piece. I don’t know, maybe it’s just trashy babes who have always been trash are just going to be super trashy with the enhanced cans. I mean, it’s not like Aguilera was ever a high end babe.

She’s been going with the “look at me, my legs are open and I’m a slizzut” from the beginning. It’s pretty sad actually because she can really sing well. Oh well. If there is one thing I’ve learned over my years of running babes it’s that hoe-dom knows no profession, skill set or socio-economic class. I think it’s innate.

Classy…

Ass B (like, “Yo I’m Cuban B”)? Ladies, if you’ve literally got nothing going for you and you just need a boost, enhance away. Just know that you add a minimum of 4 points to you skank score and yes, it’s a 10 point scale. If you’re a pretty girl, have a decent or even passable chest piece or bring that mini/medium/make me wonder level thunder, just smooth it out. You don’t need it.

I know, I know…I feel the same way about your plastics canz baby…it’s mutual.

– Lake

Damn, Audrina From The Hills Is Naked Too

Hey, I’m one of the most liberal minded, “hoes gotta eat too” type cats you’ll ever meet. I mean, I’m not for these religious freaks running around telling everyone how they should dress, live, or conduct their affairs in the privacy of their own bedrooms. With that said, we got a lot of wild ass whorishness running around here. I mean, I can’t type as fast as these sex tapes, prostitutions scandals and nude pics are getting generated. This time it’s Audrina from the Hills.

I said before that I thought she had that “porno chick appeal,” little did I know, baby girl was trying to sell off her soft porn material.

“I took these photos years ago when I was just out of high school and beginning to model. I was young and very trusting of others and I didn’t know to protect myself. It is a lesson learned, for myself, and hopefully for the young girls who look up to me,” she says.Damn, does anybody keep their clothes on?

Incidentally, here’s the link to the completely NSFW shots. I mean, these pictures were staged too. I thought The Hills chicks were supposed to be from high society families with money. Why was this chick laying down for a skin rag when she was 18? What, college was too boring? Damn. And worst of all, word on the street is that Playboy and the other rags wanted nothing to do with this chick. Maybe it’s because she’s got Aubrey O’Day syndrome. Too much make-up, too much bottle tan, wild hair and just overall not hot. If I want to see a chick in stripper gear, I’ll go to a skrip club with the professionals. Terrible.

Kelly Rowland + New Breasts = Playboy Shoot

Dammit, how did I miss this one. I should have had this post up way back in January. It makes perfect sense for Kelly to “Throw some C’s on that b*tch” en route to a Playboy shoot.

I must say, that concave stomach piece looks about right…

Damn, I didn’t even know that Kelly was big time enough to get love from Playboy. Man, I don’t know, but I feel bad about this. I mean, Kelly is clearly a grown woman and all, but she was always the quietly cute member of Destiny’s Child.

Ya know, she was kind of like that one chick who you peeped and knew was hot before anybody else. The kind of chick that didn’t have the weave and didn’t need to be out front. Guys know what I’m talking about, you see that talent in the babe before she sees it in herself and you know that it’s just a matter of time before she gets turned out….uh, so you try to beat the wolves to it! But eventually you know that you’ll be sitting there as the inevitable transformation occurs. It starts out cool. Sexier gear, a little more confidence…

Next thing you know she’s rolling in the whip with your campus or neighborhood version of R. Kelly with “Pee On You” blaring out of the speakers… That girl is Kelly and that “Pee On You, Remix” is this Playboy shoot….WTF?

You know how you get invested in a chick and just see their terrible life choices and wonder why? Again, this is Kelly. I mean, just because Lindsay took off her gear in that “artistic rendering” doesn’t mean you have to pimp yourself out to promote your album. Or does it? I know, I know, you won’t be doing anything you’re not comfortable with, you know the photographer and wouldn’t do it if anyone else asked you to, you have complete control and creative input and everyone is just so great, professional and classy over there at Playboy.

It’s just a bad idea. People won’t look at you as a sex symbol, they’ll look at you as a hizzoe who laid down for a seedy skin rag. I know, I know, plenty of big stars did it. Right, but exactly ZERO A-Listers ever do it because they don’t have to.

And the enhanced cans don’t mean that now all of a sudden you can or should bear all.

Damn, this alleged breast addition just happened in early 2008, can’t you wait until the swelling goes down before you start taking it all off? And if you were going to make some improvements, why not your ass piece?

People would just assume you’re getting naturally thick, but it’s fairly obvious that those breast-tah-sis were not made by “the Hugh Heffner on High”…ok?

Shyut, I like the old Kelly.

Smooth in that mid section yall. I mean, she could really get it. Don’t get me wrong, because she can still get it, but it’s just for different reasons now. With that said, we’ll have those Kelly skin rag pics as soon as they come out. Don’t worry about that.

– Lake

Heidi Montag is on the cover of Maxim

It’s been a while since we showcased a throwback white woman on these pages, so we figured The Hills of Heidi Montage would be a good start.

Natural looking blond hair with the perfect highlights, check. Semi-slutty, “I was givin some head” skimpy lingerie, check. Dark and mysterious eye shadow, check. Enhanced cans, chiizeck. Super smooth “I rarely eat but definitely hit that gym and all the designer gear is made for me” stomach piece, check. Hey, when you’re dealing with any of these Hills chicks your knee jerk reaction is to hate. Well, I guess I’m kind of hatin’ a little bit, but overall, I’m not mad at this picture. Heidi is who we thought she was, that original white woman that will never completely go out of style.

Is that her hair? Probably not. Are those her breasts?

Hells no. Does she give you the new day, thick white woman tailpiece?

Nah. Shoot, I was shocked that she had this much. I’m a bit dubious. This might be where the airbrush of god snuck in there and added a little under arch. Regardless, she’s the original chick and it’s like my boy Jurgens told me, “I don’t care about ass, I don’t use the ass. So it doesn’t matter to me if she’s got one.” Amen brother. I hear that and can’t hate on it. It’s honest, undoubtedly true and the precise reason why Heidi will never go out of style. Still, that pelvis on bone love can’t be too hot. I guess it’s just all in the game and part of the landscape. In the end, we haven’t learned anything new about Ms. Montage or that terrible show.

I actually prefer these paparazzi pictures of Heidi in her element to these posed and airbrushed joints. One thing we know for sure, she really is that skinny. Can’t lie, that stomach piece is right.
– Lake

What the celebs rock for Halloween

UvT all star Christina Milian gets a B- for this little number.

I see she went ahead and stole Kanye’s lady’s regular footwear for this number.

Vida Guerra looks good in any outfit and ode to the forrest fires gone wild LAFD number is very much appreciated.

Hmmm, finally an angle on Vida that I’m not completely sure I like. Hey, she’s human, now I’m even more intrigued.

Audrina from the Hills went as the Material Girl…

(I’m pretty sure that’s her “career” on the right)

Ok, I’m feeling her getup. Oh and look, there’s Justin Guidini from American Idol Uno going as…. uhhh, Justin Guardini, a cat who hasn’t mattered since American Idol’s FIRST season.

(Wouldn’t it be great if Just was just going as a bullshit ass version of himself?)

Terrible. And for all you Making the Band 4, Brian H fanatics, Justin Guardini is the living embodiment of every reason why Brian H will be working a broom in no less than 18 months. If this cross over dude, who was on a bigger show and has bigger name recognition can’t make it, then how in the hell is this cat going to make it?

Oh and look, Steroid eeerrrr Psycho T is going as Gerald Henderson’s pinata with his skirt all in a bunch.

(Better get my jabs in now)

Man up and stop cryin’. And of course, Gary Williams is going at a 25 year old co-ed who just might, with the help of some Natty Light and some chicken wangs, get lucky tonight.

(Richmond, VA stand up!!!)

Classic. Out.

– Lake, going as a smooth Nilla Wafer who just doesn’t give a f- well, you know.

================Update=============

Hands down the best costume of the year was done in tandem by John Kitna and his wife.

They rocked this naked coach outfit with the Wendy’s girl to match in order to poke fun at the Detroit Lion’s assistant coach Joe Cullen and his arrest for drunk driving, while naked and ordering a number 4, hold the pickle. haaa Terrible.

——-UPDATE——-

I thought that picture of Vida was UvT original babe Melissa S.  But it wasn’t, so here is what she wore:

Vida’s got more back.  But Melissa never disappoints.

-Brock

The Hills: Why am I watching this show?

Dammit, I was good not knowing this show at all.

My lady tried to put me on last year and not surprisingly, it was barely watchable. Sadly, it’s far better than The Real World: Sydney, so I might as well talk about it.

1. Spencer is a complete d*ck – Gotta love it

I know I liked this dude when he kicked his lady, Heidi, out of his BMW 6, which not so shockingly is the same ride young Lakey the Don pushes around town. That was good, but did yall see when he got the apartment he’s sharing with his lady painted in graffiti? Hilarious and yes, that “artwork” was awful.

I would tell all you aspiring Spencers out there NOT to follow his lead, but I know it’s futile as a minimum of at least 50 metro-sexual park taners who probably are thinking about corrective surgery for their calves, have already copied Spence’s idea and spray painted their crib. Losers.

2. Heidi looked better pre-fake boobs, but she’s sexier now

It’s hard to say, even as I write, but I liked Heidi last year. She always looked tight, gear was right, hair on point. I just knew that she’d look right with the most fashionable sh*t each time I saw her. Then she upgraded, threw some D’s on that shit (here are the old breasts) and it all changed.

(I can’t lie, sometimes that original white woman, with the old school arse, is what you still want and need)

Sure, her new body makes a dude want to hit, and I guess that’s what’s most important, but she lost her luster for that good girl status. Before, she was the girl you wanted to keep, make your lady, now she’s just a chick you want to cut. Of course, I prefer her in cut mode, but again let me just say that this show generally and their relationship especially, cannot be real (this wasn’t helped by rumors of Heidi’s single that just came out on the internet, please). That whole ring purchase, all 5 minutes of it with no discussion of clarity, cut — hell, ring finger size, was laughable. Oh well, I guess it’s like pro wrestling. Even though you know it’s fake, it’s still fun to have the debate.

3. Lauren is terrible

Don’t be fooled fans, this pic is hot (can you say airbrush?), but what about this one?

Oh yes, there is nothing interesting about this chick. She is that babe you just can’t stand. All she does is sit around, talk mess and underachieve. She’s not as pretty as Heidi or that chick Whitney, not as cool as my main man Spencer, and she’s not even as sexy as her new roommate/homey Audrina who has that dirty chick kind of appeal (but not really). I can’t tell if Lauren is chubby or if she’s just got a boring shape with basically nothing to offer…all I know is that she adds nothing to the show and he feud with Spencer is a no-brainer for Heidi. You gotta go with Spencer. Lauren was nothing until I heard she had a sex tape, then she said it wasn’t real, so she’s literally got no value at this point. The show needs a new focal character if it’s going to keep me watching…. Oh and that Lauren boob job is about one full season late at this point. Come on MTV.. throw some Ds on that b*tch so we can spice this thing up!

At any rate, I think the new Hills is tonight…I may watch. We shall see.

– Lake?