Kat DeLuna And Other Horrible National Athems

Listen, if you’re destined to be an R&B star, an actress or even just a solid citizen, just go ahead and be proud of who you are, but don’t fuck with the Star Spangled Banner.  First of all, it’s not really an easy song to sing.  It starts low, goes high and just has a veritable minefield of dynamics and notes that are challenging for even the most advanced singers.  Still, not surprisingly, plenty of cats want to sing it and can’t.  I especially don’t appreciate a cat who tries to put all kinds of personal freaks on the song.   You know, when they add in that extra soul sauce so they can really nail the joint.  I think that’s where Kat DeLuna aka Tina Marie Jr. Jr. went wrong:

Jeez… Can you be a “Pop Sensation” and have a speech impediment?  A few pitch problems maybe?  Lol  Yooo, that “Land of the Free” was CRAZY!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I mean, even Simon was speechless after that joint.

And by the way, who in the hell is Kat DeLuna?

Damn, thick in the thigh, light in the eye and jeez, the FIRST and ONLY chick I’ve seen that actually sold those high waist shawt shorts, respek.  But why do that when you can always freak the original shorts?

Damn, I need another angle on this:

Wow, that’s a lot of hip for a young girl.  Interesting.  Let’s just hope she steers clear of the enhanced breast plate.  Anyway, I like that first name, Kat.  Ha.  Aint nothing wrong with that, but is she talented enough, well, musically?

Anyway, Kat’s cat ass performance got my thinking, what’s the worst rendition of the Star Spangled Banner I’ve ever heard, oh yes, Carl Lewis’ for sure:

Hilarious.  And while we’re in the jabbing mood, look how this cat murdered the Anthem words:

My goodness.  Haaaaaaaaa  And all those “Middle Amuricans” were just hating my man killing that song.  Come on people, please get those words right, ok?  And if you get into pitch problems on “Rocket’s Red Glare” pull a Carl Lewis and take that “Land of the Free” an octave down, ok?  Oh fuck it, here’s one more.  This cat just tried to power through it.

Ha, terrible.  Thanks for nothing.  USA, USA, USA….

– Lake

Change Has Come: Evolutionary Thickness Right Before Our Eyes

People want to hate on my message, but I know there’s a movement in this country.  Yes, all over this nation, millions of women are saying, “Yes We Can,” but I’m not talking about Barack Obama, oh no ma’am.  I’m talking about these thick white chicks that are showing themselves, day in and day out, like X-Men or something.  It’s a true revolution and if you ask me, the future of my race:

My word.  And them draws coming up out of ole girl’s jeans.  Killer.  This is that wild Melissa from Making the Band and the Pussy Cat Dolls show.  Let me tell you, Puff should have taken her for real.  She’s got waaaay better tools than Aubrey.  Speaking of Aubrey, let’s roll some of her recent work.

Not bad.  Do they provide coke on set?

Now I can’t lie.  She does look good.  That vacant, “I’m high and I just jumped off a mic check” always gets the job done.  But didn’t Puff tell her to change that “ho-ish” image up?

Oh yeah.  That’s extremely classy.  And can anyone tell me how many ass cheeks and coochie cuts have been up and down that thing?  Of course, I’m talking about her tongue!  Dammit, I can’t lie.  Topless, licking the pole, J’s sitting on dubbs, thank you lil brother (intern) may I have another?

Wow…  Maybe the tide is turning on this chick.  Though she hasn’t quite mad that evolutionary shift, she’s looking might right…I can’t even lie.

– Lake

Making the Band 4: Laurie Ann Strikes Back

Laurie Ann is back?

That’s the gotcha-gotcha.

-Brock

Great Video: Stuntin is a Habit (Get Like Me)

Yo, I know I’m waaaaaaaay late on this song, but I just now put the video in the lab and I must say, it’s some of the finest work I’ve ever seen.

First of all the concept that I stunt, ball or just get mine more than the average cat will never die. NEVER. The theme is iron clad and I enjoy it when it’s perfectly executed. And how do you accomplish this?

1. Have a hot hook – Check

“Stuntin is a Habit, Get Like Me” – I mean, doesn’t that just say it all? It pretty much encapsulates my entire outlook on life.

2. Have that hot bounce on the beat – Check

A cat can’t lose with that beat.

3. Have a hot gimmick – Check

That wild “put it in the air” with the hot point to the heavens is just about right, ESPECIALLY when you couple it with those cameo appearances (more on that later).

4. Hook up the timely verse with a non-gay R&B supernova – Check

Dude, this Chris Breezy is just a certified hit maker. It can’t be denied. Homey is huge and everything I hear I like. You gotta take away a few points for the extra aggressive pop and lock session, but as my girl Jabber Jawz told me, “he’s just 19, he can do that.” Indeed he can!

5. Have Video hoes errr vixens – That’s a given – Chizzeck

6. Have HOT cameos with cats you’d NEVER see on any other rap video – CHECK

I had to hit that rewind button like 10 times and then pause it to ensure it was in fact Barry Bonds with that “Put it in the air” swing piece. Now that was FIRE. Then when he had Gavin and Joe Maloof (Yes, THAT MALOOF as in owns the Sac Town Kings and the Palms hotels in Vegas and lord knows where else) hooking up the “I got paper and you don’t” sign, I just lost it.

Shiiiieet, David Banner is a high level cat. It’s not wonder that he’s got all the necessary elements to get a spot on this blog. The cat is a holder of a college degree and I’m told was one dissertation defense shy of his PhD, but yet he keeps that requisite ignance you need and want from the genre.

Nuff said. Dude understands the ingredients to cook up some marvelous shit to get your mouth watering (Wu Tang reference for the informed). And now for my only criticism. They ask a basic question, “have you ever seen a Chevy with the butterfly doors?” My answer, “No” and since I watched the video, I still haven’t. Terrible, but overall I like it, A LOT. And old or not as soon as I get a little cold weather I’ll be taking that other German out of the garage, dropping the top and pulling out this new joint with this song blaring.

Chinchilla. Love it or leave it.

– Lake

Must Be The Money: R. Kelly is Acquitted on All Counts of Child Pornography!!!

Holy shit. The Pied Piper is an elusive smooth mufucka! I guess banging out and pissing on a 13 year old is cool in Chi Town!

Dude, let me ask those jurors a question. If that wasn’t R. Kelly and it wasn’t that babe, then who the fuck was it on that tape? I mean, come on. Let’s go ahead and run that “I wanna Piss on You” in honor of R’s great victory!

You just know that right now R. is on his way back to that Log Cabin room to get some drink, sex, and piss on and then go directly into the studio to record that “Jesus Saved Me/Fuck All You Haterz, But I’ll Pray For You” single that should be out on Monday.

And isn’t that the best part of all these terrible jury verdicts? How the cat who just got over on the system then proclaim that Jesus “hisself” was responsible for the acquittal. Hey, aRa, I”m not the most religious cat in the world, but If there is one thing we do know, it’s that Jesus didn’t want you to bang out all kinds of young girls, hook up three ways, piss on a chick – ON CAMERA-, allegedly pay her off to keep quiet and then walk away whistling the tune to “Fiesta (Remix)” after a bunch of imbeciles let you off scott free.

Hey, Chicago, why stop there? I mean, you need to make R. out like the victim in all of this. You know, pull a Duke Lacrosse so R. can get paid like Reade, Colin and Dave Evans or something. Or better yet, erect a monument in honor of Mr. Kelly and all he’s done for the great city of Chigaco.

Unbelievable.

– Lake

Thickness Defined: ASHANTI!!!

Dude, maybe it’s just me (it’s not) but has anyone noticed that Ashanti is looking FAN-TABULOUS lately? My word!!! I mean, it’s like every picture of her I see is yet another piece into a tapestry of “GOT DAMN“-ness. So you know I had to ask the question that’s on everyone’s mind: Is Ashanti UvT Quality? We’ll start with “Classy” Ashanti and work our way down:

Very nice. And don’t think that angle on picture one around the middle hip area is lost on me, either…IT’S NOT. In fact, this was the first picture of her that made me let out a Scooby Doo inspired “Zoinks”. Then I saw some more:

Uhhhhhhhhhh, s-s-s-s-say whaaaaaat?!!!! Talk about thick. Fair enough, it’s the JLo gimmick and I get that. But are you fucking serious? Dude, Nelly aint gonna ever need to roll by Popeye’s or KFC again. I mean, I see thigh, breast, fuck, sides and all the damn fixins’!!! BUT DON’T FORGET THE HONEY!!! WOW. Dude, now I know what it’s like to be sippin on that purple stuff because I’ve been in a daze ever since I first laid eyes on this picture. Honestly, where does it start, how can it stop? MY WORD!!! I grudingly move on to exhibit 3, B, IV, shit, who am I?

“I need an around the way girl, that’s the one for meeeeee!!!!!!”

Can I get a J check?

Oh yes indeed. On the real, how many hours per day must this babe put in that gymnasium? 2, 3 or 4? Which brings me back to the question of her UvT Quality status. I say HELL YES. I mean, I believe in a republican (little R) form of blogging and I know I can’t just make unilateral decisions, but do I really have to wait for Brock to scream from the mountain tops: “YES, YES ASHANTI IS UvT QUALITY!!!!!!” I should wait you say?

How about now? That under cheek shot is always a doozy. As my boy “JP” in Manhattan by way of Louisiana would say “she’s very attractive”… yes she is my man, YES. SHE. IS! Angle two on that thigh please:

My goodness!!! With all that leg, she’s about to put KFC out of business. HELP!

– Lake

————-UPDATE——————-

Good eye, Lake.  Good eye.  Ashanti was looking good as hell in that King Magazine spread back in the day, and she definitely looks lovely in that white dress.  You know what’s messed up though?  Ashanti without the personal trainer, dietician, and will to achieve ends up looking like this:

Yup.  That’s Ashanti’s little sister Shia…Shi-Shi what day call her.  If Ashanti has pulled back from one ham sandwich away status to weekend bender with chili cheese fries away status, lil’ Shi-shi here just pushed back from Thanksgiving dinner.  Be aware people, be aware.

-Brock

Making the Band 4 Update: June & Robert Make It Official!

Mayne, I haven’t been this excited since I heard Duke landed Mason Plumlee. Since my little hiatus, I’ve had a number of readers hollering at me: “Lake, you a mufucka, where are the posts?” pretty much sums them up. But then my girl Jabz in DC hit me with this, “Did you hear about Rob and Junebug?” Junebug? My first thought was, “who in the hell–”

Ohhh, that June-bug! Wow, so it was true all along, “The Real Mrs. Curry” was fixing to be the real Mrs. Curry… Makes sense. Looks like a lovely affair too, Miami perhaps?

What do yall think Robert said at this very moment? Nobody can be sure, but I bet you it bore an eerie resemblance to this:

See first of all
I know these so-called playas wouldn’t tell you this
But I’m gonna be real and say what’s heart
Let’s take this chance and make this love feel relevant
Didn’t you know I loved you from the start, yeah

When I think about all these years we put in this relationship
Who knew we’d make it this far?
When I think about where we would be if we were to just fall apart
And I just can’t stand the thought of leaving you

Meet me at the altar in your white dress
We ain’t getting no younger, we might as well do it
Been feeling all the while girl I must confess
Girl let’s just get marriieeeeeeed

Ohhh weee. Dude, that is one of those classic ‘Good n Terrible’ moments in R&B history. I mean, “Let’s Get Married” is so good. Soo soo good. Isn’t that what a young lady wants to hear during the best moment of her life? “We aint git’n no younga, we might ass well do dis…let’s get murried.” Kind of reminds me of that classic Kanye line “and I don’t want a girl that will answer to ‘a-yo'”. I mean, if a chick accepts that marriage proposal, she deserves whatever she gets in that 4 year stint errr life long commitment.

But did she say yes?

Hell, yes she did! I don’t care how much you’ve been through with a dude, you aint going to put your hand up in the jheri curl juiceunless you’ve got real love for ’em… And not that bullshit, “I got love for you so come git your clock, it the club with 20 broads like Flaaaavor” kind of love neither. I’m talking real good lovin.

Awww, that’s sweet. And I see my man kept that engagement ring ahem “artistic” on this first go round. See, when you’re an artist, it’s about doing something original, you know? Then once that tour pops off and my man is getting one-fifth of the adjusted gross proceeds from those concert tours, then it’ll be like mo money, mo money, new ringy, new ringy.

That’s cool. I guess we know the deal on that “ice” Robert’s got on that wrist though. Actually, what’s really going on with this picture?

Now I done told yall about tattos outside where a golf shirt would cover. Now I did make an excpetion for entertainers, athletes and thugs, but what happens when Rob’s voice gets tight like K-Ci from Jodeci, but he’s sittin on Fred from Da Band money instead of that Jo Jo and K-Ci money? I mean, an inkless hand might be what the doctor ordered in this recession people. And did Rob and June just go ahead and get married right on the spot? I mean, is this that super speedy, “will you marry me, no I mean, RIGHT NOW, MARRY ME!!!” type deal because homey has a wedding band on that finger already, right? Oh well. We can’t speculate about too many things.

Except that see-through dress and them non-matching drawls up underneath. June, you my girl, but WTF? And don’t tell me you didn’t know. You knew you had on a see-through dress when you saw that thing hanging next to the beach towels in that post card shop you purchased it from. Come on now. And what’s with that wild booted shoe just hanging out to the left of the shot? Maybe it’s just me, but that joint looks like the shoe Dave Chappelle put on Mos Def during that first drug warskit on the Chappelle show. Haa Just laid them joints up under his feet.. Too funny. Just damn. June is an attractive enough young lady, but I can’t support the crazy attire on one of the most memorable days on your life. Keep it classy.

Like this little set up my man Rob has. That’s classy. Homey’s got all the necessities.

1. Smoove Detroit playa, mustard yeller might-be-gators

2. Lobster for two, Steak N Eggs to share in the middle

3. Solid A1 – now see, that’s why I like my man Rob. Say what you want, but EVERYTHING tastes better with some A1 sprankled on top. A1 is like the crack of condiments. Once you go there, nothing else really compares. Ok, worcestershire sauce has it’s place too. I won’t lie. Lakey done gotten some work done with those two.

4. Some bubbly, can’t argue with that

5. Fresh fruit…. nice touch.

6. Perfunctory rose pedals under their feet

Anyway, I’m happy for the couple. Just one thing. What’s the liklihood that Rob sang to June when they got engaged, like, 75%? Who knows, maybe June will hit us with that information. Remember, she’s the only person, aside from Brock and me, to have posted something on this blog. Remember how she was writing that book?

Anyway, congrats to the couple. Yellow is the color of love. I also appreciate Rob’s hand placement there. Definitely “you are my lady” style there. Dammit, I just can’t shake those pink draws though. Normally, I wouldn’t go there, but it’s just wild to me. First off, ladies, you can’t ever have more than one inch of material on the side band of your drawls. I don’t care, that’s a Lake rule starting now. Nobody wants extra thickness up around the hip, this aint huggies. Ok, Ok… no more suspect commentary. Congrats to the “Exclusive” couple. I’ll be waiting for my Evite with baited breath.

– Lake

————UPDATE—————

This is high quality right here. I’ve always wondered why people garnish up a plate with random pieces of lettuce, parsley, a lemon slice…now I know. Those lobsters up there look lonely as hell. I mean they went from the water to the plate. Not a pat of butter was melted, no shell crackers, no little ass fork, no bib, nada.

Who brought the film crew by the way?

I also disagree on the lyrics Robert dropped. It had to be:

Baby girl I want you excluuuuusive, baby we should just doooooo this, cause the feeling’s so strong, how can we go on? Which lyrically is exactly the same as “Let’s get married”. Hopefully he rocked the real version instead of that off-key slow version.

By the way, I’m going to agree with Be On It from the comment board. There are some wide-side draws that get the job done. A sister in some boy shorts gets it done. If I’m not mistaken, Lady June may also be rocking the hanky pankys in which case she is fully thonged out in the back. In which case she’s really giving it to cats on the lo back there.

I told you fools that Diddy made June and Robert deny that relationship on national TV. Junebug, where you at?

-Brock

—————UPDATE 2—————–

Oh shit.  I missed the plastic on the chairs.  They must have gotten engaged at grandma’s house.  Great.

Dru Hill Reunites for 10 Minutes

I’ll admit it, I’m a Dru Hill fan. I know Sisqo is probably one of the worst cats ever to hit the music industry, but dude could sing.

The way I look at it, Dru Hill was just an extension of Jodeci once all that crack finally caught up with K-Ci.

Anyway, I was looking forward to the Dru Hill reunion album for all of about 10 minutes, because that’s how long they were back together. Peep it.

Hilarious. What’s with you people with that “God called me to do some other things” flow? I never really got that. I always wondered if these nut jobs really believe they’re literally speaking with the Almighty or is it just that all their bullshit and excuses are preordained and “anointed” by “Him”… Can I get a Jesus freak in the comments section to help me out with that one?

Now my spidey sense tells me this 10 minute reunion breakout and cat fight might have been a set up. Either that or these cats are reeeal soft (ding), because that “fight” looked extremely bitchy. Terrible….and great.

– Lake

Kelly Rowland + New Breasts = Playboy Shoot

Dammit, how did I miss this one. I should have had this post up way back in January. It makes perfect sense for Kelly to “Throw some C’s on that b*tch” en route to a Playboy shoot.

I must say, that concave stomach piece looks about right…

Damn, I didn’t even know that Kelly was big time enough to get love from Playboy. Man, I don’t know, but I feel bad about this. I mean, Kelly is clearly a grown woman and all, but she was always the quietly cute member of Destiny’s Child.

Ya know, she was kind of like that one chick who you peeped and knew was hot before anybody else. The kind of chick that didn’t have the weave and didn’t need to be out front. Guys know what I’m talking about, you see that talent in the babe before she sees it in herself and you know that it’s just a matter of time before she gets turned out….uh, so you try to beat the wolves to it! But eventually you know that you’ll be sitting there as the inevitable transformation occurs. It starts out cool. Sexier gear, a little more confidence…

Next thing you know she’s rolling in the whip with your campus or neighborhood version of R. Kelly with “Pee On You” blaring out of the speakers… That girl is Kelly and that “Pee On You, Remix” is this Playboy shoot….WTF?

You know how you get invested in a chick and just see their terrible life choices and wonder why? Again, this is Kelly. I mean, just because Lindsay took off her gear in that “artistic rendering” doesn’t mean you have to pimp yourself out to promote your album. Or does it? I know, I know, you won’t be doing anything you’re not comfortable with, you know the photographer and wouldn’t do it if anyone else asked you to, you have complete control and creative input and everyone is just so great, professional and classy over there at Playboy.

It’s just a bad idea. People won’t look at you as a sex symbol, they’ll look at you as a hizzoe who laid down for a seedy skin rag. I know, I know, plenty of big stars did it. Right, but exactly ZERO A-Listers ever do it because they don’t have to.

And the enhanced cans don’t mean that now all of a sudden you can or should bear all.

Damn, this alleged breast addition just happened in early 2008, can’t you wait until the swelling goes down before you start taking it all off? And if you were going to make some improvements, why not your ass piece?

People would just assume you’re getting naturally thick, but it’s fairly obvious that those breast-tah-sis were not made by “the Hugh Heffner on High”…ok?

Shyut, I like the old Kelly.

Smooth in that mid section yall. I mean, she could really get it. Don’t get me wrong, because she can still get it, but it’s just for different reasons now. With that said, we’ll have those Kelly skin rag pics as soon as they come out. Don’t worry about that.

– Lake

Chris Brown & Rihanna Get Matching Neck Ink

Can someone explain to me why any man would ever get a matching tattoo with a chick (we can just stop the analysis here), even worse, ON HIS NECK?! WTF? Sounds crazy right? Well that’s what they’re saying Chris Brown did with his “Boo” Rihanna. Incidentally, if you’re a man and have ever called a chick your “boo,” you’re a real bullshit cat.

No lie, and this may be fake, but they’re saying these are the matching tattoos Rih Rih and Chris Brown got.

What was Chris thinking with those Stars tats? What, floating hearts were taken? Dude, if you’re going to go with the sensitive couples tat, let her get the picture of her poodle and you get that big ole bulldog. Or let her get the soft cross and you get that extra aggressive one. Don’t get some rising stars cascading directly under your neck line. I mean, Rih Rih can cover that up with one of her many weaves eeeeerrr with her hair style, but Chris Brown has to just live with that for eternity or worse, try to cover it up with an even more ridiculous piece of neck art. Horrible idea for so many reasons. Oh well, people call him a hit maker, not a genius so it figures that he’d make tactical errors like this. Hey, at least he’s hittin…..

I hope. Anyway, back to you Tat lovers, let me just ask you… Where are you going with the Tat on the neck piece?

Isn’t that pretty much a career ending move? I mean, when you go with the tat on the neck, you’ve basically put a set events into motion that will shape the rest of your life and not in a good way. Once you go there, you’ve basically committed to a degenerate lifestyle from there on out.

When was the last time you saw a cat getting tatted up on his neck the week before he started law school? Nah, it’s more common to see a cat getting that neck work done the week before he’s going to jail! Or if you freaks are already in the clink, you may want to get that work done the week before you commit that heinous act that will put you in solitary confinement for a clean 8 months.

Nah, you’re either going to be a Rock/Rap Star, a pro skateboarder, a working professional athlete or a cat working minimum wage jobs from now until the end of time. Seriously, would you let Tattoo on the Neck Guy prepare your legal documents? Hell no. Would you let him prepare you taxes? I wouldn’t. Look, I don’t even want Tat ‘Pon The Neck Guy delivering my pizza because in order to do that he’s gotta know where I live and that aint cool.

Look at these freaks! Incidentally, when did Out of Control Tat Guy join forces with Extra large Earring Guy?

Sheeeeeeeiit, this dude went so far as to have some breast implants put into his tattoo of a woman on his leg!!!! Now that’s dedication….and pretty f*cking crazy I might add.

Too much. And yes the tat did get infected, so he had to deflate his J’d out leg…Too much.

– Lake