Top Ten Hollywood Breasts List…YES!

Hey, I didn’t come up with this list but I’m happy to discuss it. You know, as I look down at this InTouch Weekly “Best Hollywood Tits” list, I’m actually kind of embarrassed that I know all these broads. Ahh, who am I kidding, let’s get going on this here list. Now remember, this is the list according to InTouch Weekly.. Not us. But we have plenty to say.

1. Jessica Simpson

Yep, the top titty goes to Jessica Simpson. Wouldn’t have been my choice, but I can live with it.

After all, even her pops said that her ridiculous J’s were top notch.

Now you know you’ve got some serious tittay when pops is peeping them on the slide.

2. Tyra Banks

Say what? Now I know Tyra’s got giant J’s, but does she really belong inside the top three of ALL the breast tah sis in Hollywood?

Sure, her fundamentals are sound and she used to have the rest of the body to go with it. But this is a current J list, not a historical retrospective. The classic Janet song “What Have You Done For Me Lately” seems to come to mind. Answer?

Not enough. Not even close.

3. Scarlett Johansson

Ummmm, HELL YES!!! I’m not sure how it’s possible, but I think this chick is underrated across the board. Maybe it’s the lack of a nude photo shoot and sex tape. Hopefully someone can remedy that. But on the boobs front, she’s LOVELY.

Gotta run that one more gin.

4. Carmen Electra

Huh? Is she even in show business anymore? Why not Pamela Anderson? Hell, Loni Anderson.

And maybe it’s just me, but shouldn’t there be a reasonable expectation that the boobs are actually real if you’re going to call them the 4th best set in all of Hollywood? At least pic a chick with a debate, like Kimmy K…. With Carmen, she’ll tell you her joints are fake. Nah, I can’t support that.

5. Lindsay Lohan

Again, anyone who knows this blog understands my affection for Lindsay Lohan.

She’s one of my favorite celebs and yes, those ridiculous J’s have something to do with it.

On the J front, Lindsay has it all and we’ve seen it all.

You can’t hate, not on this discussion. Definitely underrated and waaaaay under appreciated. Her breasts I mean…lol.

6. Katherine Heigl

I recognize that this near no talent chick would be nothing without the superior boobs, but I just don’t like this broad.

That’s right, I don’t like her, can’t stand that character “Izzy” or whatever it is on Grey’s Anatomy and just can’t get past all the bullshit, yes, even for a pair of advanced J’s like those.

She doesn’t even make my list. Terrible. Though she does look reaaaaaally good in this next pic.

Mercy!

7. Audrina Patridge

Whaaat? You don’t mean to tell me we all feel for that completely transparent “I did some nudes back in the day and now they will be released the day before my show so please make me a star” treatment?

You bet we did. And please note how much she has truly stepped up that belly game. Wow. This babe is everywhere right now. If she had a shred of talent she’d really have something too. Though, I must say, having the nude pictures of her to refer back to whenever I see her looking right in a magazine or online is a nice luxury.

8. Jennifer Aniston

Come on now. Jennifer aint been hot since Ross was hittin’. Again, just too old, too romantic comedy. It’s just not right. Sure she’s got some J’s (NSFW), she wouldn’t be in the business if she didn’t.

But come on. She does not have some of the best tits in all of Hollywood. But these NSFW of Aniston are worth a peep. Half the time she doesn’t even have the best tits in her own relationship. She’s literally not in the same conversation with these other babes. Horrible.

9. Megan Fox

Ah, I don’t buy it. This seems very political. I do like that she stands for the fact that a chick doesn’t have to have monster boobs for them to be sexy, but this chick is not a top flight titty talent.

I mean, come on. She doesn’t have the chops and never will until she orders that full upgrade. Right? She’s got average J’s just for a regular girl, but in Hollywood, she’s squarely below average. Hell, most of the regular women walk around with better ones than that. Not even close.

10. Beyonce

Huh? Did I miss something? I don’t know, maybe B’s tittays wrote the lyrics to “Upgrade”…wait no, that was Jay Z. Curses. I hate to do this because I like Beyonce a lot. But she has no damn business on this list.

I think she’s beautiful, but if you forced me to diss her, right after I spoke on that assortment of unacceptable weaves, I’d go right to the breasts. I mean, she’s keeping it real and natural as she should and she looks damn good chest and all.

So there you have it. Are you satisfied? I’m not. I mean, where was Kim Kardashian, Halle Berry, JESSICA BIEL, hell, Mel B., Gisele….I mean, the list goes on and on. Sorry, I can’t endorse this list period. Let me give you my list.

1. Lindsay Lohan

2. Scarlett Johansson

3. Jessica Simpson

4. Kim Kardashian

5. Salma Hayek

6. Jessica Biel

7. Katherine Heigl (what can I say, that pic is still in my head)

8. Halle Berry

9. Mel B.

10. Audrina Patridge (hey, she’s already been mentioned, what could I do?)

Honorable mention: Serena Williams (don’t sleep)

Then I have to add a section for best fake boobs in the business. Christina Aguilera, Britney Spears, Tila Tequila, Pam Anderson and Heidi Montage.

Damn, after all that, even I’ve grown tired of tittays. I must be getting really old.

– Lake

Enough With These Chicks Trying to Be Milfs

Short and sweet on this one (or not), but I’m tired of these chicks out here trying to act like they’re something other than what they are. Take Bridget Moynahan for instance.

Baby girl gets knocked up with Tom Brady’s baby, which is good enough for a middle tier, would be no name babe like herself, but now she’s out here trying to self style herself as a “MILF”?

Say what? Dude, posing in some sexy shit in front of your kids crib aint sexy, it’s sad. Forget calling Brock to tell him how hot this broad looks, I’m about to call Child Services to go pick Tom Jr. up so he can have a safe and wholesome upbringing over at Uncle Lake’s house.

And you just know Tom can’t like this one bit. I mean, he’s got to see his baby’s mama parading around trying to show off that she’s still hot after having his seed? Why not just strap on a “fuck Tom” billboard and tell everyone what you really think of the guy?

If she wants to be sexy and hot, why can’t she do it WITHOUT bringing attention to the fact that she’s a single mother? Why make reference to the kid at all? I mean, there’s no need to be ashamed, but you don’t have to publicize your dysfunctional sex/relationship habits either.

And look at the way she’s pushing that stroller, like it’s something that she NEVER does. I guess that’s what a grip of Child Support can do for a “struggling single mother.”

Using your single-mom-dom as a spring board to rekindle that dwindling career? That’s pretty weak. And let’s face it, Tommy upgraded you with this pregnancy.

At 37, it was the 4th quarter with the shot clock read 15 seconds anyway. I’m not saying the kid wasn’t going to happen, but worse things than having Tommy B’s kid could have happened to you.

I mean, what’s with it with all these mothers who don’t know how to act?

Have some decency. Cover up the enhanced tittays. Read a book, if not for your kid’s sake, your own. I mean, act like a damn mother!

And stop rolling your seed around like he’s a brand new Prada bag. I don’t want to hear these chicks talking about how they’re a “Milf”. You can’t proclaim yourself a Milf, it doesn’t work that way. A major part of the Milf draw is that she doesn’t actually realize that she’s still hot. It’s the fact that she’s moved on to motherly duties, but is still actually hittable that makes her a major draw. Some ole cougar trolling for dudes because her man skipped town aint no Milf.

And Milf-dom is assessed by the potential “fukker” not the “fukkee”. You can’t appoint yourself a Milf, it’s got to be reached by consensus. And if you’ve got to ask if you’re a Milf, believe me, you’re not. Most mothers aren’t Milfs, if they were, we wouldn’t have to single out the ones cats actually want to touch with their ten foot pole.

(Now Mel B. She’s all Milf and then some. She’s MILF’d the fuck out!)

So unless you’re unique, you’re probably just another babe buying diapers at Target. Meaning you’re more likely a “mother F’er I wish would get out my way” rather than a “mother I’d like to F”. Ya feel me?

In closing, until you receive future notice, you aint a Milf to me. You’re just an old cougar who happened to trick at cat into putting one on goal. Now it’s time to own it and raise that kid lest she end up looking and acting like this.

Now get back to work?

– Lake

Look At That Girl With The Daisy Dukes On

Ahh, the Daisy Duke. Just when you think a product can’t get any better, Gisele introduces the assless Daisy Dukes and takes the game to a whole new level.

Why didn’t someone think of that before. I mean, even with reduced ass, the assless variety of Dukes is so much superior to the original. Look at recently eliminated Prancer from Flavor of Love 3 for instance.

Impressive yes, but it’s clearly inferior compared to angle two on Gizzy.

Ok, that wasn’t such a hot shot, but I thought it was important to show that Gisele is so big that she’s got an ass wiper on set. I mean, how do you get that job? Who decides that there isn’t enough Coco Butter on the upper tailpiece? But on the real, stop playing and gimme that crystal clear shot of dem Dukes though.

Anyway, I also wonder how they get those ripped up Dukes and just know they’ll be right for Gizzy in this shot. What, is there some cat out there who just fashionably rips the clothes half off supermodels?

Awwww, my bad. I know that’s fucked up, but LeBron brought that shit on himself. Doesn’t this cat have a publicist that’s supposed to let him know how much he’s playing himself with a picture like this? I know, I know, it’s all of us who see this picture in a suspect way that have the problem, not ‘Bron. Sure. But did you ever see Jordan doing some mess like this? Hell naw. You don’t even see Tom Brady getting his beauty and the beast on and he’s smashing with regularity.

Tough.

– Lake

Perfect? Pats cap off controversial regular season

I hate to say I told yall so, but of course, Lake was right again as the Pats made short work of the New York Giants. Eli put up a nice fight early, but he suddenly remembered that he was who we thought he was in that second half.

Anyway, this post has nothing to do with those fakers in blue (have fun losing in that first round playoff game fellas). What I want to focus on is this turmoil filled season for the Pats. Sure, the Pats are 16-0 and perfect on the field, but when you put it all into context, it’s more like a “Prefect” season than anything else. Can you believe all the controversy these cats had to deal with this year? Here’s my year in review rundown:

1. Pimps up hoes down, Brady style

Oh yes, ole Bridge wasn’t very happy when Tom traded in her iRobot level career and played out her real life Sex and the City Natasha scenario en route to bagging supermodel Gisele.

Boy Gisele is attractive, but I wonder how she stays so thin.

Gisele riding the white horse, is there anything better than that? Plus this chick has an estimated $150 million in the bank. Tom Brady truly is great.

2. The Revenge of Bridgette

Unfortunately, young B wasn’t going to go quietly when Tom moved on to a better version of her.

Tom got caught out there with the okie doke and got a little egg on his face. Normally this wouldn’t be an issue, but Tom had previously branded himself as a “golden boy” of sorts. Maybe it was a media creation and maybe it was just him. Either way, this didn’t help that or any image of Tom’s.

Damn, wild torpedo belly, I wonder what that kid was doing up in there.

Oh well, it’s not a big deal to me. But the dirt under Tom’s fingernails worked for his mojo this year. If you ax me, he needs to go ahead and get Gizzy preggers and then upgrade to a newer and younger chick….this all would be for the glory of the Pats of course. Tom needs his medicine.

3. Beli-Cheat and Spygate

Say what you want about the Pats, but this season should not be minimized by the Spygate scandal. Again, the Pats needed spygate to motivate them and make them nasty. Clearly it worked. Hey, there really isn’t much more to say about this part of the story, but I just like the pictures I have depicting spygate so much that I’ll just throw another up for my own amusement.

4. Everything that makes Bill Belichick the Hoody

First is that ridiculous cut-off sweatshirt hoody that he rocks. I mean dude looks like a freaking homeless person on the sideline. He’s got the wrinkled up, wrinkle free dockers, the thugged out hoody joint and that freaking crazy concrete mug. It’s just hilarious.

Then you have the fact that he got dimed out by the Man-genius for being a cheater even though the League warned him to stop taping his opponents sidelines.

That foolishness earned him that hot $500,000 fine and about $500,000,000 in embarrassment. But you can’t stop Bill. My favorite story about him from this year was how he ran hoes out of that Brooklyn brownstone.

You just gotta love it.

At any rate, this certainly is a team for the ages. Like all great teams, there is more to pay attention to than just the games themselves. Please note that Randy Moss has done nothing but make this team better this year and hasn’t brought ANY off field foolishness to the table.

Randy is the man and if he was the one running some dude’s wife like a ho or knocking up multiple actress/models, the media would be all over him. What can you do… Congrats to the Pats. I’ve enjoyed it

– Lake

Foregone conclusion: Pats will get to 16-0

This is barely worth posting on, but I’ve been gone for a minute so I figured I’d just check in. Today I’m in Boston and all you see is Pats gear everywhere. Normally that wouldn’t mean much but in a place where the Red Sox outshine EVERYTHING it’s pretty significant to see all this Pats stuff so prominently placed.

And I’m told that even more people nationwide want the Pats to lose today.

Well, guess what, it aint gonna happen. The Pats are a LOCK to win today. And why? First of all, Eli Manning just sucks and there’s really nothing more than needs to be said about that. He’s nothing like his brother and something like his father. He’s a below average NFL quarterback with an unfortunate name. The second issue is that the Giants aren’t that good. Sure they’ve got 10 wins, but they had a soft schedule and failed to show up against stiff comp. The Giants are going nowhere in the playoffs and they’ll be completely outmatched today by Darth Hoody.

With that said, you gotta give it to the Hoody Billy Beli-cheat and the dirty pretty boy Tommy Skywalker. Just as a side note, I like this new Tom Brady. Homey has a little dirt under his fingernails and I think I like it.

I mean, he’s running high profile hoes, got kids out of wedlock, he’s been running some hot smack during games…. sheyut, this aint your girlfriend’s Tom. He’s officially gone over to the Dark Side and I think he likes it.

Anyway, great season, but will any of it matter if they can’t put away Peyton and the Colts?

– Lake

Belicheat fights back!!!

After a week of face slappities and Belichick ego smackities the New England Patriots coach silenced some of his critics on Sunday with a convincing win over the AFC rival San Diego Chargers. As far as we know, Bill didn’t cheat for this win, but then again, you never can tell…

(Look at Bill in his b-boy stance. Too stylish)

B-Cheat was his usual cheerful self after the game, you know, mumbling, not asnwering quesitons, and taking offense to everything that wasn’t congratulatory. Hell, with an attitude like that perhaps he should join the Bush Administration.

At least with his tactics, lying and cheating he manages to get things done with is more than I can say for Dubyah and his band of idiots. Anyway, it was a good win for the Pats and you just know they’re all celebrating right now. Belichick would do his typical, sacrifice someone’s relationship by stealing their wife, but he’s waiting for Tom Brady to make it legit with Gisele.

Ok, I admit it, I just wanted to post another picture of Gisele, but Bill would hit…though, I can’t really blame him.

– Lake

Tom Brady scores again: It’s a boy!

Congrats to Tom Brady and Bridget Moynahan on the birth of their new baby.

(now watch that hand there Bridget, after all, that’s how yall got the first one!)

Bridget is said to be doing fine which is somewhat astonishing, after all, she did look like this just a few days ago.

Dude, seriously, we didn’t know what was up in there. I mean, Tom Brady is the ultimate gamer, the ultimate perfectionist and the ultimate stud. So it was only fitting that the kid would have his host errrr Mom looking like she does above, but we were still a little confused, that was, until we saw the little guy.

(stuntin like his Daddy for real)

Indeed, he’s already exceeding expectations in true Brady fashion. So much so that I think the Giants just burned a 2008 first round draft pick and cash considerations for Little Tom’s rights.

Figures, he’s at worst a lock to have as good an NFL career as terrible Eli Manning is right now, right? Let’s just hope that Bridge and Tom can keep it together with the contract/payments errrr family-focused assessment of what is in the best interest of the child and his parents in the months and years to come.

Indeed, if Bridget can get past the New England Patriots Quarterback’s decision to leave her sperminated arse back in December for supermodel Giselle (can’t hate on him too much for that) then we really shouldn’t have any messy Baby Mama Drama entries to pound out for your viewing pleasure on this here UvT.

Whatever you do Tom, don’t go the way of Chicago Bears Linebacker Brian Urlacher.

(Urlacher is a wild, wild boy!!!)

Sheeeyut, it’s hard to pick a Baby Mama Drama story with this cat. Clearly as a result of his wildness he’s now divorced, but it appears that homey wasn’t just killing them on the football field. First, homey had two children out of wedlock while he was married and/or with his wife. Then he got back with his wife/mother of his legit kids, only to continue chasing down these hoes like he was chasing down QBs and running backs last year. And all of this culminated with UGLY public Baby Mama Drama including wild threatening text messages he was sending to one of his Baby Mamas and just general wildness that we don’t need to detail here.

Needless to say, Urlacher is NOT a role model in that regard. I mean, seriously, just think about the extent to which he must have really been blazin’ these Chi-town h*oes, because he had to use condoms with most of them right? And if he got two chicks pregnant, just imagine how many Chicago and other NFL city babes he hit raw dog but DIDN’T actually sperminate. Damn, I can’t tell if Urlacher is just a rock star stud or a truly terrible cat. I gotta think on that one. All I know is that he’s in a custody battle with some stripper (come on man) for his son. Wildness.

What I’m waiting to see is if the all knowing omniscient purveyor of all that is good, decent, godly and right for the NFL will suspend Tom Brady for having a kid out of wedlock? You never know, his rulings have been horribly arbitrary and capricious to this point. Why not just take it all the way?!?!

– Lake

Cat fight: Tiki Barber v. Eli Manning and the impact of their ladies

And you wonder why the Giants have underachieved in the past years.

They’ve got no stones!!! Former New York Giants teammates Tiki Barber and Eli Manning exchanged “barbs” over the past few days over comments Tiki Barber, a current NBC football analyst, made which criticized Eli’s leadership and assertiveness. He further described Eli’s ability to run team meetings as “comical at times”. Well, well, well. Eli didn’t like that and he blasted back with this:

“It’s just one of those deals. I’m not going to lose any sleep about what Tiki has to say, I guess I could have questioned his leadership skills last year with calling out the coach and having articles about him retiring in the middle of the season [because] he lost the heart [to play].”

Huh? That’s the smack yall? Um, can someone please call up my boy Ocho Cinco in Cincy or maybe Terrell Owens in Dallas.. hell, I’d even take a Donovan McNabb, “keep my name out yo’ mouth, keep my family’s name out your mouth” blast right about now. These cats are pathetic and I think I know why. Yep, it’s weak chick karma. I mean, look at Tiki’s selection in lady:

(awww, why does the “articulate” brother often have to go this way? Dammit Tiki!!! No disrespect homey, I’m sure your wife, Ginny Cha (seriously), is a sweet lady)

And then let’s contrast that against Eli’s woman:

(Hey, nothing against her, but this is just boring man! I much prefer this blond and Eli together)

This is what I’m saying, now look at their selection in lady and then look at the results they got. Then contrast that against proven winners in the NFL. I give you Jerome Bettis an his lovely wife, Trameka (yes, really):

(One for the thumb homey.. good work)

And of course, the gold standard in NFL chick karma turning into production on the field, my main mahn (Ali G finger snap) Tom Brady and his plethora of solid bangers:

(Love ya T and yes, Bridget is looking right in this picture..nice)

Bottom line, Eli and the Giants are doomed. They need to get their chick game up and then maybe they can get those wins up. You just wait and see, this will be another sub par year for young Not Peyton Manning. I mean, even their receivers are chick stricken, peep Amani Toomer:

(awww, homey… If you’re gonna go that way, you gotta go strong like Paul Pierce.

We all know what he’s about and really can’t hate)

Awwwwww, need I say more? Out.

-Low Lake and loving it.

==============UPDATE=====================

All you semi hatin, fully hatin and just started to talk some shit as soon as your team won Giants fans out there, peep Lake’s take on your Superbowl victory. Hey, we can’t see Eli’s lady from the neck down, so that would explain how he was able to man up and get it done. Make no mistake though, the theory is fool proof. Hot chick, great performance. So either she’s sittin on dubbs with the Kim Kardashian ass with the hollywood blondie rack or Eli is banging out a stripper from Scores or both.  I can’t find all of them, but I’m assuming Plaxico’s hoes are A+, thereby outsetting Amani Toomer and Michael Stray’s missteps and I heard Tom Coflin has a direct line to Puerto Rico’s….Hoez, so you know that man was doing his part as well.

One thing is for sure, yall needed to get Tiki’s lady off your squad. She wasn’t built for victory.

Baby mama drama: Tom Brady headed that way?

Young Tom Brady, don’t think we forgot about ya. You know your day is coming. Indeed, your ex-lady, Bridget Moynahan is finally back in public juuuust in time to give you a little negative press before the season opener.  What a coincidence.

Daaayum Tom, you really put it on her. Looks like she’s got Warren Sapp up in there or something. Now I see why you got those three Superbowl rings — you clearly have a commitment to excellence in all that you do. Now that’s a baby bump! It just aint fair man. You’ve got ole Bridge sitting up there housing this monster child, meanwhile, you’re laid up in something as fine as Gisele, looking smoothed out and extra chill and loving your life.

Damn, she’s fine.

Tom, you really are a smooth mufucka, I can’t lie! Now that you’ve got the kid, marriage makes no sense though, so don’t do it. Whatever you do, don’t let Bridge (who must hate you because she already claimed you dumped her once you found out about the baby) diss you in the press like Brynn Cameron did Matt Leinart. That was ugly. Get in front of the story son. I certainly don’t want to have to continue to call you out on this blog…but I will if you can’t manage your ex and this baby situation like you manage that game clock.

Go Bills.