Suge Knight: What Had Happened Was…

They say they guy who knocked Suge out was 5’10” 175. Well here he is.

You can’t tell his height from the picture, but he sure doesn’t look 175.  I still can’t believe this cat got the jump on Suge.

Damn, Suge looks like a hard m’fer until you punch his ass.  The interns at UvT found the real reason Suge stayed down.

A whale tail surfaced right as he hit the ground.  Seriously, what is that draws situation all about.  I’ve heard that the biggest complaint about the thong is that it rides up your ass.  Why get the extra big thong piece?  Can one of the ladies of UvT explain that to me?

-Brock

Snake vs. Cat

I’ve always been intrigued by the idea of an animal kingdom battle royale. You know field 64 animals of various levels of danger and visciousness and pair them off. Who would win? Sure a pride of lions can take down an elephant, but what about one on one? Or crocodile v. panther. If the field was half water?

Snake v. Mongoose is always a classic.

We’ve seen Gator v. Wildebeest. Lion v. Gazelle. But you know you’ve got to mix it up. Throw in things no one would expect. Like this:

What do you know about Little Bitchy Dog v. Crab?  Sure, the crab has no stopping power, but that claw on the left looks dangerous…

…and delicious.

Now this would not have been an intriguing matchup, like a 15 v a 2 seed, but here is one that went down in real life. Kitten v. snake.

LIke I said, we know who wins, but check this out.

Damn, snake caught him feet first…

-Brock

Tiger Woods Mauls the PGA

When people thought of golf, they used to think of this:

White man, white fans, they’ve even got the American flag flying in the background. Black people were caddies and on the maintenance crew. Well, that’s changed. Here was the scene this weekend.

Oh hell yeah. Mind you, this is after Tiger drained a 30 foot putt and spiked his hat to the turf like he just broke a 30 yard run between the tackles. This was not what people want to see. Especially since he was won every tournament he’s played in this season. Look Tiger, here is the only way the PGA wants to see you.

Hell at UvT we know you need to remind people how dominant you are…flex on em homey.

Look, Tiger might go ahead and win all four majors this year, The way he’s going, he might try to win all of the tournaments that he’s in this year. Jack Nicklaus as 18 majors and 73 tour wins. Tiger has 13 majors and 64 wins. At the pace he’s going, he should have the record by uhhhhh, long about next Tuesday. He really doesn’t want anyone else to win this season. Tiger is staying up in that gym, he’s going to be breaking out the 500 yard drives and 80 foot puts from the bunkers. We got an exclusive picture of Tiger’s latest workout routine.

That’s right, Tiger’s on swole and ready to roll.

-Brock

Have You Seen These?

I know the woman just had a child, but Xtina Aguilera is really killing cats right now. With normal chicks, I’d say this heat was unintentional, but Ms. Dirty knows exactly what she’s doing.

I mean this J game is stupid right now. Do you see the unintentional side boob she’s working with? I mean this picture should always be shown whenever someone utters the words “you can’t stop ’em, you can only hope to contain ’em.”

Jesus.

-Brock

=====================UPDATE===================

With all due respect and yes, I have seen those ridiculous J’s and just wondered “where the fuck is bay bay?” (and if you didn’t get that, you weren’t meant to get it, so F U, ha!), but let’s keep it real here. Xtina has been on the silicone HGH for years. She’s alright but she’s not real. And a house built on a saline foundation, cannot stand united…or something like that. Hey, them titties is fake and I don’t care if Mother Nature threw some full E’s on it, ‘cuz we all know that Dr. 90210 had been put some Double D’s on it.

You know who I feel bad for: The children. After all, can you even fathom the complications associated with some titties full of milk and silicone? Talk about a fucked up cocktail. If the J’s leak into women’s bodies, who’s to say they won’t leak up into the baby’s drank? Horrible.

– Lake

Amy Winehouse smokes rocks on tape

Damn homey. I mean, it’s not shocking or anything, but how do you get caught on video smoking crack?

It’s 2008, you’d think she’d know that when a cat is holding their cell phone up to her face and she’s lighting up the glass dizzick she might consider turning away, right? Jeez.. Well, I guess we finally understand how this happened.

She really went from thick, one ham sandwich away from being too much to this?

Damn… That crazy, fugly, crackhead skinny flow aint right. Seek help baby.  I wonder who will get caught on tape doing something crazy next?

Oh yeah, horse, sex tape, child abuse, pick your pleasure.

– Lake

Belly Dancing Practice

This is hilarious.  You gotta give ol girl credit for working on her craft at home.  This gives new meaning to “let the beat ride out”.

Damn, there’s a little shuffling in there at the beginning.  Hope she was OK.

-Brock

Clemens: He injected me, just not with ‘Roids

According to ESPN.com Roger Clemens hit “60 Minutes” with that same line Eddie Murphy the Prince hit Eddie Murphy the Barber with in Coming to America.

Barber: Well Goddamn boy, what kinda chemical you got in there?

Prince Akeem: I have used no chemicals, only juices and berries

Barber: Sheeyut, that aint nothing but a ultra-perm

No question, Roger is persisting with this “waddent me” defense of the claim that he used performance enhancing drugs to boost his career. Now he’s getting a little more specific saying that his trainer, Brian McNamme, the one who dimed him out under threat of criminal prosecution, injected him with Vitamin B-12 and Lidocaine, a local anesthetic used to treat skin inflammations and not the Juice.

Don’t you love this “Shaggy” defense, which is really another Eddie Murphy creation, of “Waddent me” that Roger is trying to sell us now? It’s so hot. Oh, I get it, you were injected by this dude, only he was hitting you with B-12 and Neosporin for that butt acne errrr sensitive skin men have on their asses (?)..LOL.

(Yall see Rocket’s lady? I think she may be on something too….5 kids and all ripped in the midriff?)

You gotta hand it to ole Rog, though. Through all of this he has remained himself. He’s just the quintessential asshole and always has been. I guess that’s what happens when the media gives you a pass for your transgressions during your entire career. Just like when he told us he threw that bat at Mike Piazza because he thought it was the ball. I know, I know, he had a flashback to KICKBALL when he could a fool out by hitting him with the ball while they run the bases.

I get it. HA. How does hitting a dude with an alleged baseball make sense Rog? You think on that one, then answer me this:

If you’re bent over and Brian McManne, a professional sports trainer, was injecting you with what you thought (wink, wink) was B-12 and Palmers Coco Butter, then how do you really know he didn’t swap out those CVS syringes for some of those Balco ones?  What are you saying, that you never knowingly took steriods?

I know, I know, as far as you know, that was B-12, Vitamin C and Jack Daniels coursing through your veins. Believe me, it happened to me too. I was just helping that UNC hick chick over the fence back in college when her pappy came out with the shotty…

How was I to know we’d get all tangled up like that?

Come on, we all know the Rocketman is a liar. Oh and I bet it felt good when McNamme’s lawyer promised to sue your candy ass if you lied in that 60 Minutes interview or the presser you’ve got scheduled for Monday. Watch yourself son…

– Tabaccy spittin Lake with a ten gallon hat on his head

They Busted the Rocket Maaaaaaaaaan!

And I think it’s gonna be a long long time
Till touch down brings me round again to find
I’m not the man they think I am at home
Oh no no no, I’m a rocket man (ROCKET MAAAAAAAYNE)
Burning out his fuse up here alone

What a fitting song. “Oh, no, no, no – I’m da Rocket maa-aan.” That Rocket Maaaaaaaan is exactly what the Doctor errr Dentist ordered for this whole Steroids scandal. It’s always been a Barry Bonds witch hunt, but now we finally have some collateral damage. Hey, I’m just glad we can finally and officially account for all wild glare young Andrew Pettitte used to come with back in the day.

You kind of have to respect that controlled Roid Rage… Let me ask yall a question, how hot do these guys look right about now.

Care to comment Manny?

No doubt, just how I see.. All is well in the Bean.

Nice team. Chock full of vitamin c, juice and ethics.

– Lake

==================UPDATE=============

Shocker, ole ‘Roid Rocket Rog is now saying he’s “innocent.”  Right, just like you didn’t mean to throw that broken bat at Mike Piazza either, right?  I know, I know, you thought it was the ball and that’s why you tried to HIT HIM with it.  Sure thing.  Who’s this guy’s lawyer, the incomparable Shaggy?

Trainer shot me up near the showers, Waddent me 

I never thought he’d roll over, it Waddent me

Took HGH by the staircase, Waddent me

My Legacy fucked ova!

Roger:  Ok, Lake, you got me.. you got me

Lake:  Oh I didn’t get you yet, should I git him?  haaaa

We’ll leave that for the coming weeks…  Love it.

Irony Defined: Carmelo Anthony’s new Nike commercial

Have you seen Carmelo’s new Nike Commercial?

Now I like the guy, and he is a beast on the court. But I know good and well Carmelo is not hitting the weight room. He definitely isn’t on some old Rocky type dragging bricks workout.

Look at that dude’s arms. Has he ever seen the weight room? The kid still has the babyface. He’s a great player because he is just better. He’s 6’8″ with speed and hops. The dude barely looks like he’s trying out there, but he’s still killing cats.

Even Allen Iverson is more diesel than that dude and he only weighs a buck sixty-five.

Flex on em AI.

On the upside, Melo did wife up La La. Is she hot?

Iiiiiontknoow homey. I’m gonna need to get a few more angles on that. But it ain’t lookin’ good. She’s no Ananda. She’s also no Free. She’s got Rocsi though.

-Brock