Archive for the ‘Eva Longoria’ Category

Top Hispanics Who We Forget Are Hispanic

December 28, 2007

I love America.  You ask people how they feel about immigration and they are willing to build a wall across the entire Mexican border.  Not the Canadian border mind you, those are nothing more than French speaking white people up there, they must be cool, just the Mexicansand Haitians…and Cubans who don’t look like Elian Gonzalez.


The same people who are ready to send any actual Spanish speaking person to make a run for the freaking border also think Jessica Alba is freaking hot.


And they would be 100% right, she is hot.  But that got me thinking, there are a lot of Hispanic Celebrities that America just starts treating like they are white people.  I know, Alba just looks like a hot white babe with a tan.  No, she’s Latina.  This never happens to Black people by the way, no matter how many white people like you, you’re still Black.  So let’s explore this phenomenon, here is a list:

First, the aforementioned Jessica Alba.  The only time she even remotely claimed her Hispanic heritage was when she paid “hip hop chick” in Honey.


Yeah, that was about as convincing as Mariah Carey playing a hard on her luck Black chick in “Glitter“.

Second there’s Cameron Diaz:


Somehow she just became everyone ‘s favorite skinny white chick.  Her last name is Diaz people, and her hair is not naturally blonde.

Alex Rodriguez:


Ok fine.  I don’t really think that people forget that A Rod is Hispanic.  Although his white wife and “biggest contract in all of sports ever” seems to point to the fact that most people don’t associate Alex Rodriguez with these dudes.


That picture has nothing to do with anything.  It is just fully ridiculous.

Next, there is Eva Longoria:


I guess she gets a pass because she’s hot?  Don’t get me wrong, she’s got a pretty face.  I know Lake and the interns like her, but I really can’t pinpoint why.  Her body is only decent, nothing really stands out about it.  Biel’s got the tail, Britney had the legs, and Paris had the sex tape.  I just don’t know why I care about this chick yet.

Jennifer Lopez probably doesn’t belong on this list.  She played Selena, so she doesn’t exactly shy away from Hispanic Roles.  Here’s the deal, she was definitely drifting somewhere around the Diddy/Ben Affleck years.

The key difference here?  That ass always let you know you were dealing with something special.


Damn, she really lets that thang hang.  Yeah, no one thought they were dealing with a white girl here.

Here’s the real killer.  Charlie and Martin Sheen:


Charlie, do you think we really forgot you have a brother named Emilio Estevez?  Hell, Martin Sheen’s real name is Mondergard Ramón Gerardo Antonio Estévez.    Mondergard?  Doesn’t get more authentic than that. That sounds like a name you choose when you start playing World of Warcraft.  I think Mondergard is a level 37 Dwarf Shaman.  Even Charlie’s real name is Carlos Estevez.

I know the Sheen family meeting where Emilio decided he wasn’t “selling out” the family name and staying a Estevez had to be heated.  The messed up thing?  Emilio hasn’t had a hot movie since “Young Guns“.  I guess becoming “Eddie Sheen” wouldn’t have been such a bad idea after all.


No seriously, Tony Parker thinks he can rap!!!

August 3, 2007

Look, when I introduced you guys to that Tony Parker (yes THAT Tony Parker) hip hop song Premier Love, I don’t know. I mean, I knew it was real and all, but I still couldn’t quite bring myself to understand how much this cat really believed he could rap. This joint with Fabolous (yes that Fabolous, the previously respected hip hop artist) is evidence that I was just naive and again, call me ignant, but there is just something about the French language and rap that just don’t quite sit well with me.

Sorry, but even those kids in that video look soft and corny as hell. And Tony’s square jaw and soap star looks just don’t work with the genre. I mean, on the real, I hoped my man Tony was just going through a phase, you know, trading off of his American stardom to a bunch of people who didn’t really know better. After all, if Yannick Noah is a big pop star over there, the bar can’t be set that high, right?
(Ok, I gotta kind of admit that Joakim’s pops is kind of pimp)

But dude, Tony, just because you CAN do something that does not mean it is to be done! Please, stop this nonsense now. Go home and work with all of this:


(oh yes, Eva Longoria is indeed fine, especially for a chick in her mid-30’s)

And when you’re done with her, go holler at that standard issue mistress you and every other powerful or looted man in France has and when you’re done with her, take up bass fishing or something, ANYTHING, but please STOP RAPPING. It’s embarrassing man, truly and we all know these rowdy cats out in the Paris suburbs (huh?) don’t need any more reason to start lighting Peugeots on fire. Rap is not something that yall need to add.

In short, keep your mind on your game and your eye on your lady.. I aint gone tell you again, ya hear?

– Les Lake

Tony Parker rapping…’homme noir’ please!!!

July 17, 2007

Check out our update to this topic HERE!

Tony Parker has bagged one of the most sought after babes in Hollywood in Eva Longoria. He’s won two NBA titles and even a Finals MVP, so why in the hell is he doing this?

Tony, you’ve got a crazy first step, great handles and a killer chick, hell, even your jumper has improved. But the only thing gayer (if you will) than slow, love story rap (no thanks Bow Wow, LL), is slow, lovey dovey FRENCH rap. Ok? Leave the rapping to TI (Big thangs poppin is really hot by the way), the thug passion to R. Kelly and the soft talk, love making in the shadow of the Eiffel Tower to Pepe Le Pew.. Thanks.


…and Au revoir bitches

– Monsieur Lake