Making the Band 4, Season 3 Premiere – The Tour

Ohhhhhh shit, I just went ahead and played that “Exclusive,” versions fast and slow, back to back to back to back to back like it was MTB4 Season 1 again.  Oh yeah, I’m amp’d up and ready for some good solid MTB4.  Let’s get it. So I’m watching the show and Diddy comes on talking his standard shit.  Hey, I appreciate it, because quite frankly, the last time I saw Diddy, it was like this:

Correct, even he couldn’t believe the level of Bitchassness that was occurring on “I Want To Work For Diddy.”  And if Sean John is anything like me, he was pretty much looking like this after Episode 1 of that show.

I mean, I was SHOOK!  Still am really.  That shit was like a really bad non-musical video for Danity Kane’s Damaged.  And just like the song says, shit was “damaged, damaged, damaged (soooo) damaged and Diddy should be the one to know, now please fix it, fix it fix it..” ok?

Now that we handed that little bit of mini beef/house keeping, we can move onto one of my favorite shows.

Issue 1: The Evolution of Dawn

So I tuned in and the first thing I see is certified thickum, D. Woods, sashaying herself across that rehearsal floor.  Oh wait, that aint no D. Woods, that’s DAWN. Oh my word!!!

She is looking rizzight.  Goodbye shy girl, hello Q is definitely banging that out.  All in touch with that sensual side all of a sudden, huh?

Respect.  Hey, I saw it coming.  If memory serves, she had a bit of ahem “growth” in that regard last season.  Let me dig in my archives, ah yes:

Oh yes.  You gotta like someone who keeps raising the bar season to season.  Which of course is the exact opposite of what Aubrey is doing, but we’ll get there later.  Anyway, every man loves the day when he first peeps that layer of thick laid up on top of strong woman.  Her day might be here.  I’ll have to keep an eye on it for all of us.

Issue 2:  The Return of Laurie Anne

Hilarious.  And I appreciate how when Laurie Ann presents herself, MTV immediately goes to one of the finest moments in Reality TV history.  Yep, that “Baby girl, I’m not taking NO interjections” speech and prompt dismissal-ass tappities Puff put on ole girl in Season 1.

So good.  Then of course she starts messing with everybody.  Talking shit, getting under cat’s skin.  Standard issue stuff for this babe.   And just as an aside, funny to see that Medium Mike is back to being “Big Mike.”  Can’t wait to hear what Diddy has to say about that.  Anyway, so Diddy rolls up and talks to Laurie Ann one on one.  Based on the silly little grin she’s got on her face, there’s a strong likelihood that they haven’t talked since the last time Puff hit errr since the blow up where she got canned for insubordination and super-bitchassness.

Just listening to her talk to him…it just terrible dude.  I mean, first off, Puff is at a loss for words.  Then you’ve got Laurie Ahnt over here devolving into baby talk with goo goo and gah gah eyes.  Just terrible.  I mean, if nothing else, this little exchange makes me 100% certain that Puff has been tagging that since around 1993 to present.  Then Puff hit her with the “All I did was put you on” rhetoric.  Which is iron-clad.  I mean, honestly, would ANYONE outside of the choreographers even know about her ass but for Mr. Combs?  Sheeeit, Lake Arlington had more cache than this chick prior to Making the Band.  She needs to pay homage or get to steppin’.  But then Puff came with that “So did you miss me when you was away from me?”

lol, the proverbial knock out punch/dick in a box.  I love it.  Puff is back in my good graces with this display of utter pimpery.  I like it.  It almost makes me forget these Tranny antics over on his other show.

Almost.  Glad to have this show back.  It rarely fails to entertain.  Oh and fellas, yeah, yall over there at Bad Boy, less of Aubrey is good for MTB4, remember that.

– Lake

John Edwards: In the Case of That Baby Mama is Damn Ugly, John YOU _____ the Father!

Awwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaail no!  First a tranny on “I want Diddy” (ha) and now this.  This has been a fucked up week!

Come on John.  Even she can’t believe you blazed that.  Look at her, she’s disgusted!  Don’t tell me you hit that raw dog.  I mean, anyone could have a bad night (I guess) but with this babe you need a condom, liquid drain-o, an assault rifle and a urologist waiting outside the room standing on call.  I mean, I read the story and immediately called the Orkin man just on general principle.

And yes I stepped on Brock’s post.  And you know what, like Smokey, I.Don’t.Give.A.Fuccccck.  Ya dig?

– Weekend Lake, ready to git after it like Ollie v. April

Cancel the UvT Summer Party…

Because we just relocated it to Greece.

I haven’t looked up American law on this topic, but nine British women and twelve men in Athens, Greece were just arrested for participating in an oral sex competition.

I know Shaq.  That’s what I said.

Where do I start?  Okay, let’s start with the fact that when I say nine women and twelve men were arrested for participating in this contest I don’t mean it was men versus women, I mean the women were in the contest, and the men were…how do you say…judging the contest.

Sorry Spitzer, no celebrity judges allowed.

Here’s my question.  How do you win this contest?  Enthusiasm?  Technique?  First to the finish line?  First to finish line doesn’t seem fair…that depends on the dude as much as the work the ‘contestant’ is putting in.  I think a combination of enthusiasm and technique is the only way to go.  But that is subjective so that means the ladies have to rotate to make sure every judge can make an accurate assessment.  That must have been how it was supposed to go down considering there were 12 guys and only 9 women.  That means the ladies came into the competition knowing they were going to be giving lots of head.

So the ladies got arrested for prostitution.  Which means they have been accused of getting paid for sex.  How exactly did this contest work?  I’m assuming there was no participation prize here, so technically only the winner was a prostitute, right?  She’s the only one who got paid.  It’s just like high school, everyone calls the girl who gives the best head a ho.

To me this isn’t prostitution, it’s more like gambling, a sporting contest.  You could take action from the sidelines.  In fact it would be a hell of a spectator sport.  Or has Superhead already won this competition in order to earn her moniker?

I say you have to earn it.

Hey, I hereby nominate the guys who organized this competition for the UvT awards…as soon as we have some.  Unless these chicks were professional porn stars, they had nine (relatively) regular chicks signing up for a head competition.  I mean girls gone wild gets loose, but this is a whole ‘notha level.

-Brock

Top Ten Hollywood Breasts List…YES!

Hey, I didn’t come up with this list but I’m happy to discuss it. You know, as I look down at this InTouch Weekly “Best Hollywood Tits” list, I’m actually kind of embarrassed that I know all these broads. Ahh, who am I kidding, let’s get going on this here list. Now remember, this is the list according to InTouch Weekly.. Not us. But we have plenty to say.

1. Jessica Simpson

Yep, the top titty goes to Jessica Simpson. Wouldn’t have been my choice, but I can live with it.

After all, even her pops said that her ridiculous J’s were top notch.

Now you know you’ve got some serious tittay when pops is peeping them on the slide.

2. Tyra Banks

Say what? Now I know Tyra’s got giant J’s, but does she really belong inside the top three of ALL the breast tah sis in Hollywood?

Sure, her fundamentals are sound and she used to have the rest of the body to go with it. But this is a current J list, not a historical retrospective. The classic Janet song “What Have You Done For Me Lately” seems to come to mind. Answer?

Not enough. Not even close.

3. Scarlett Johansson

Ummmm, HELL YES!!! I’m not sure how it’s possible, but I think this chick is underrated across the board. Maybe it’s the lack of a nude photo shoot and sex tape. Hopefully someone can remedy that. But on the boobs front, she’s LOVELY.

Gotta run that one more gin.

4. Carmen Electra

Huh? Is she even in show business anymore? Why not Pamela Anderson? Hell, Loni Anderson.

And maybe it’s just me, but shouldn’t there be a reasonable expectation that the boobs are actually real if you’re going to call them the 4th best set in all of Hollywood? At least pic a chick with a debate, like Kimmy K…. With Carmen, she’ll tell you her joints are fake. Nah, I can’t support that.

5. Lindsay Lohan

Again, anyone who knows this blog understands my affection for Lindsay Lohan.

She’s one of my favorite celebs and yes, those ridiculous J’s have something to do with it.

On the J front, Lindsay has it all and we’ve seen it all.

You can’t hate, not on this discussion. Definitely underrated and waaaaay under appreciated. Her breasts I mean…lol.

6. Katherine Heigl

I recognize that this near no talent chick would be nothing without the superior boobs, but I just don’t like this broad.

That’s right, I don’t like her, can’t stand that character “Izzy” or whatever it is on Grey’s Anatomy and just can’t get past all the bullshit, yes, even for a pair of advanced J’s like those.

She doesn’t even make my list. Terrible. Though she does look reaaaaaally good in this next pic.

Mercy!

7. Audrina Patridge

Whaaat? You don’t mean to tell me we all feel for that completely transparent “I did some nudes back in the day and now they will be released the day before my show so please make me a star” treatment?

You bet we did. And please note how much she has truly stepped up that belly game. Wow. This babe is everywhere right now. If she had a shred of talent she’d really have something too. Though, I must say, having the nude pictures of her to refer back to whenever I see her looking right in a magazine or online is a nice luxury.

8. Jennifer Aniston

Come on now. Jennifer aint been hot since Ross was hittin’. Again, just too old, too romantic comedy. It’s just not right. Sure she’s got some J’s (NSFW), she wouldn’t be in the business if she didn’t.

But come on. She does not have some of the best tits in all of Hollywood. But these NSFW of Aniston are worth a peep. Half the time she doesn’t even have the best tits in her own relationship. She’s literally not in the same conversation with these other babes. Horrible.

9. Megan Fox

Ah, I don’t buy it. This seems very political. I do like that she stands for the fact that a chick doesn’t have to have monster boobs for them to be sexy, but this chick is not a top flight titty talent.

I mean, come on. She doesn’t have the chops and never will until she orders that full upgrade. Right? She’s got average J’s just for a regular girl, but in Hollywood, she’s squarely below average. Hell, most of the regular women walk around with better ones than that. Not even close.

10. Beyonce

Huh? Did I miss something? I don’t know, maybe B’s tittays wrote the lyrics to “Upgrade”…wait no, that was Jay Z. Curses. I hate to do this because I like Beyonce a lot. But she has no damn business on this list.

I think she’s beautiful, but if you forced me to diss her, right after I spoke on that assortment of unacceptable weaves, I’d go right to the breasts. I mean, she’s keeping it real and natural as she should and she looks damn good chest and all.

So there you have it. Are you satisfied? I’m not. I mean, where was Kim Kardashian, Halle Berry, JESSICA BIEL, hell, Mel B., Gisele….I mean, the list goes on and on. Sorry, I can’t endorse this list period. Let me give you my list.

1. Lindsay Lohan

2. Scarlett Johansson

3. Jessica Simpson

4. Kim Kardashian

5. Salma Hayek

6. Jessica Biel

7. Katherine Heigl (what can I say, that pic is still in my head)

8. Halle Berry

9. Mel B.

10. Audrina Patridge (hey, she’s already been mentioned, what could I do?)

Honorable mention: Serena Williams (don’t sleep)

Then I have to add a section for best fake boobs in the business. Christina Aguilera, Britney Spears, Tila Tequila, Pam Anderson and Heidi Montage.

Damn, after all that, even I’ve grown tired of tittays. I must be getting really old.

– Lake

Inside the Polygamist Cult: Someone Call A Stylist!

The news about the polygamist sect in Texas that had all of their children seized last week is national news for a lot of reasons. They all live in one big compound. The men take several wives. A sixteen year old called to say that she was pregnant and had beed forced to marry. It is really a wild situation all around.

Here’s my problem. Why do all the women look like this?

Let’s start with the obvious things. The prime polygamist apparently sent down a decree that told everyone to grow their hair out long and swoop it to the right in what I like to call the Vanilla Ice style. One of the women was asked by Meredith Viera why everyone wears their hair like that on the today show and her response was “we all like to grow it long and we like this style”, which is code for, “bitch, don’t ask me no question like that. Don’t you know I’ll catch an ass whooping when I get back to the compound behind that question?” Second, who got the deal on the big shouldered 80’s style blue cotton? What’s the point of having lots of women if you are going to dress them all like that? Who made the unibrow rule? And the sect HQ is clearly a no makeup zone. Hey, I’m not even a make up dude, but all of these women look like they’ve gotten hit with whatever the opposite of Botox is.

Here’s my thing. I contend that there are always women who you can tell just need a little help and they would be bad. You know, they’ve got some ass under those terrible clothes. If they got their hair done or lost 10 pounds, they would be bad. You know, those babes in college that could leave for a summer, marinate, and come back bad as hell with tail and j’s popping out of nowhere. I’ve seen countless pics of these women, and haven’t seen a single woman that I could tell every guy looked at and said, “I want her to be my fourth wife. This chick on the left might be working with something…but I only say that because her grill is completely covered by her hands.

I guess the outfits are inspired by the 50’s. Here’s my thing. I can look at a picture of a woman from the 50’s and know that if you threw her in some Seven Jeans and a sexy top and she can get it.

See, turrible shoes and hair that looks like she might have actually been wearing that ridiculous hat right before that picture was taken. But she’s got the face, J’s and thighs. Throw her in some modern gear and that ain’t nothing but Lindsay Lohan.

Meanwhile all the men in the sect dress like this:

Dockers and a button up? Now see, that ain’t right. They could at least keep it real and dress like the amish. You can’t make your women look like frankenstein shouldered stepford wives and you get to roll like everyday is casual Friday. If your women are going to look fucked up, you should look fucked up too.

Look, if I ran a polygamist cult, I’d have to get down like Hef. Here’s my dress code.

That’s how polygamy should be done right there. What’s the point of having multiple wives if they are all built like 15 year old boys, look 10 years older than they really are, and are all ugly as hell. That’s like going to an all you can eat buffet where all they serve is uncooked, unseasoned tofu. NO one is signing up for that deal.

-Brock

Silda Spitzer knew about the hoes

Of course she did.

It doesn’t excuse it, but clearly Silda knew 1. That Easy E liked to get his freak on and 2. That he was knocking down something other than her for years.

That’s the new word according to sources close to Eliot and Silda Spitzer. I’m not shocked at all. I know that for some of your naive folks out there, it’s as shocking as seeing Kaiser Sose walk straight. Wake up folks. This is what people do…Luke from Accounting is banging out Suzy from Human Resources, who is smoking tweeds on her lunch break with Zach from IT. Just because you can’t see people getting their Client 9 on, riding the white horse or f*cking for snacks, doesn’t mean it doesn’t go on. Always has, always will. But Eliot embarrassed Silda, so even must agree that it’s off with his head.

Never go against the family…Tough.

– Lake

Nascar Loves The Hoes

Dude, Max Mosley, the head of the FIA, which is the governing body of Formula One racing, got busted and exposed banging out 5 hookers while they all role played a Nazi concentration camp S&M sex fantasy game. Freaking crazy, peep it.

Yooo, this is so crazy that I don’t even know what to say. It’s one thing to actually get off on some Nazi hoes (which is completely wild), no check that FIVE Nazi hoes, but it’s quite another to actually video tape it! I mean, Eliot Spitzer wants to know what this cat was smoking when he put someone behind that camera.

I know, banging out Nazi hoes is not against the law in Britain, fair enough. Great country. But this cat runs a major international outfit. Just like Jimmy said in Goodfellas, there are appearances that have to be kept up. Homey is supposed to be running cars, not hoes. And yes I know that there’s a difference between Nascar, Formula One Racing, Open Wheel and all the rest, I simply don’t care. The second they stop taping Nazi hoes and whoopin ass with that leather paddle on camera (you really should watch the video), I lose interest. Besides, those “sports” are all the same.

Apparently, all this shit is racist, but down south with Nascar, they’ve got tractors, rakes and hoes.

Over there in Europe with Formula One, they just got the hoes (ok, I lifted that from Black Sheep circa ’91).

Racism, nostalgic references to genocide, paddling, hoes, cars and video tape. Yep, I think it’s officially time to book that trip to Europe. Them UK ladies have been good to a nilla.

– Lake

Matt Leinart is Hilarious

There aint much to say about Matt Leinart. I really shouldn’t even post this mess because it’s already all over the internet, but I just have to.

What the hell is wrong with this cat? Is he serious? Matt really is THAT cat who will just never grow up, never get it. Dude gets dissed for not being committed, not being in shape (which is a complete FACT) and just being irresponsible.

So how does he answer to those charges? Riiight, by kicking it with some young chicks from Arizona State?

This cat is playing drinking games with little girls? Matt, you’re in the NFL, you should be getting your swerve on with Client 9 level hoes. Not only that, but it’s not like you don’t already have a kid.

Remember when your old chick tried to take you to the cleaners in court AND ruined your name talking about how you’re a horrible father?

But you’re out here rolling with Nick Lachey and some college babes? Dude, you better have a hot year on the field this year, because your act got old the last time we had some drunken pics of you.

Smarten up homey and strap up with some jim hats.

-Lake

Eliot “Money Pay” Spitzer Hit This

Dammit, is it just me or is this chick getting better looking with each released photo? I said it. Incidentally, click this link right HERE for the musical accompaniment to this post, Youz A Ho, Ludacris.

Unless that fool in the back is hiding a G in his Jamz he needs to back up off the merchandise.

Realistically, what would it have cost him to hit that night. You know she won’t whore in any old dump, so let’s say $350 for the highest end Jersey Shore Hotel. Then you add $200 the hotel would later add to his tab for those stolen minibar snacks and mini liquor bottles. I know, I know, a scrub like this wouldn’t even have a credit card to to put on hold for incidentals, I know, just humor him err me. You know that she’d mark up that cab ride, normally $10, to $50 and then $1,000 for the deed itself. Oh don’t worry, lubrication and condoms are included….What, you thought they wouldn’t be? Come on, she’s a professional.

So let’s summarize:

$ 350

$ 200

$ 50

$1000

____________

$1,600 Subtotal

$ 320 20% Standard Gratuity for Ho Activities

$1,920 Grand total

So there you have it. That’s what it would have taken for this clown to get some tail out of Kristin Ashley Rae Maika Alexandra Youmans Dupree DiPietro that night. Damn, you know a babe is shady when she’s got that many names. Meanwhile, I’ll put any amount of money on this chick having some D list boyfriend before summer starts. Publicity stunt no doubt, but it will make for some decent blogging. My guess right now is Steve-O from Jackass.

Why not, right? Nobody cares what he does as is, it’s good for headlines and you know she knows how to satisfy…. Go get it brother.

– Lake

Governor Patterson and His Wife Admit to Affairs

Daaaamn. Hey, what can you say? I guess after this thing with Eliot Spitz Gov. and Mrs. Patterson had to come with it.

To me, none of this really should matter, but please note that both Gov. and first lady Patterson have admitted to extramarital affairs. It’s tough out there in the marriage game. I guess you have to give them credit for getting in front of the story, though the rumor mill was working overtime in Albany over it. Geez, politics are mean yall. Watch your backs.

– Lake