Shaq Spits Diss Raps About Kobe and the Taste of His Arse? Awful.

Shaq’s act got old quickly. I mean, I was with my man when his good for nothing, ungrateful wife piece was doing the vida loca with the “personal trainer” but this shit is ridiculous. I guess Shaq was free styling, which by the way is one of those things you should just pledge not to ever do once you hit the age of 30 (and by the way, it should be past the age of 21, but I’ll let the hip hop babies live their dreams for an additional decade because I love ya). So this old ass giant mug was spitting pre made disses errr free styles and he started in about Kobe, how his ass tastes and why his wife left him…It was fucking awful, just peep it.

“You know how I be. Last week Kobe couldn’t do without me. Hey Kobe, how does my ass taste.”

Xactly…Oh and this is how Shaq rides off gracefully into the sunset in the twilight of his career?

“I’m a horse. Kobe ratted me out. That’s why I’m getting divorced. He said Shaq gave a bitch a mil. I don’t do that ’cause my name’s Shaquille. I love ’em, I don’t leave ’em. I got a vasectomy, now I can’t breed ’em.”

Damn, I guess we just got that full confirmation that not even the ghost of Red Auerbach himself was cheering harder for the Celtics to win than Shaq was? I mean, come on Shaq, how could you, one of the 50 best players of all time, a cat with FOUR Championship rings, have been reduced to a simple hater?

What happened to the good ole days? Hey Shaq, I’ll just go ahead and say what Kobe should be able but can’t say:

1. You’re all washed up. You SUCKED this year for PHX. I mean, ones of fans actually think that trade made sense and then even fewer liked it once you got there.

2. You’re not nearly as funny as you think you are, in fact, you’re a straight up Grade A cornball.

I mean, sure you’ve got personality, but truth be told, it kind of sucks. I know lots of people give you dap for being “a good guy” but we’re talking about a cat who does or does not have the charisma to rap, tell jokes and just be the man in a room. YOU DON’T HAVE THAT. Your “IT” factor died once your vertical became 1/4 of your waist size.

3. You can’t rap. Your album only sold because you were the only “rapper” meaning black dude that white parents ever heard of so they bought their kids your album by default. Your flow is god-awful and your rhymes suck. “Nick nack Shaq attack, give a dog a bone…..I know I got skillz man, I know I got skillz“.. Remember that? Fucking awful then, still awful now.

4.. If you keep this up, you’ll start to make people believe that Shaunie was right for ditching you and getting with Rico Suave.

Act like you’ve been there, kick back, steal that last year of loot on that contract and then just ride off into the sunset like Bill Russell or even Magic. Stay in your lane son and yes, even a crazy talented cat like you does have a lane. You don’t have the game to pull stunts like this my friend. And sadly for you, Kobe still does. Accept it.

– Lake

Shaunie ‘$30 Mil’ O’Neal to the World: “Big Stacks, my pockets on Creatine”

The soon to be Mrs. O’Neal has plenty to be thankful for this year.

Shaunie O’Neal’s purported assets were revealed as a result of a court filing on Wednesday. And what did little mama claim she had? After merely five years of marriage and seemingly 5-18 kids she says she’s got:

• $450,000 in cash and stocks as assets.
• The couple’s $25 million Star Island home in Miami Beach
• An L.A. Condo
• A $3.95 million home in Orlando An additional Condo in Miami
• Several businesses valued at $250,000
• Liberty Grill, a Los Angeles eatery valued at $250,000

For the rest of this post, just envision Kanye’s “Gold Digger” playing. Ahem, anyway, she’s supposed to have $30 million in total assets.

I know big fella, I know. I guess there is a reason to allow a real life sasquatch to bang you out and endure the birth of pound infants for the better part of 7 years (they had a few before they got married). Forget the $30 mil, Shaunie deserves a Purple Heart for letting this dude murk.

Scary.

Oh but she got hers and that’s before the divorce goes through. Now I read that Shaq had an airtight prenuptial agreement per Eddie Murphy and Kanye West’s advice.

If that’s so, how in the hell could Shaunie claim that $25 million crib on Star Island as her own? That can’t be right. At best she gets half of that joint, which is still a good pay day for a baby maker who is allegedly getting her body “back in shape” by getting hammered by her Cuban trainer. How many pesos does $30 make? How many times did she use that other Miami condo, the one Shaq reportedly didn’t know about, to get her “Livin La Vida Loca” on with ole Telemundo?

Men, don’t let your women go out to dance that Salsa alone and if you’ve got Shaq stacks, just go ahead and put a private investigator on your wife at all times.

I would say Shaq is getting screwed, but when you consider how Strahan took it up the arse, got his shit sold out in front of his mansion and then was accused of being gay by his wife, $30 million is getting off easy for the Big Aristotle…

– Lake

Shaq’s wife livin la vida loca on the DL?

(Shaq says “peace out” to Shaunie for allegedly “getting her empanada on” with an unnamed Latin lover)

Yo, when I saw the story that Shaq and his wife, Shaunie, were splitting I thought to myself what everybody usually thinks when a couple break up. “Too bad, I hope they’re both able to be happy eventually“.. Or “Hey, they say marriage is a 50/50 prospect” and I guess you just kind of accept that it’s even harder when a cat is rich and famous like Shaq because let’s face it, on the open dating market, he’s got every option in the world.

Anyway, I thought the same about Shaq and Shaunie, hence, no post on here because it wasn’t really big news. That was until I heard that:

1. Shaunie is selling Shaq’s stuff on Ebay and hiding the proceeds;

2. Shaq had an airtight Prenuptial Agreement (at least he knew it could be shaky); and

3. Shaunie supposedly has had a one year affair with her Cuban personal trainer (¿QUÉ?) and allegedly has been taking Shaq’s money and giving it to this cat which included her purchase of a HOUSE that Shaq Diesel did not know about!!!! WOW

(isn’t it funny how a previously innocent picture with a smile suddenly looks shady? Check out that “twankle” in her eye. Guys, if your lady has that twankle, leave her immediately, lest she make a run for the boarder on yo’ azz…shady man)

Shaq said that Shaunie was “secretive about her assets”… sheeeyut, you aint lied. This man Shaq had endorsement deals, title runs, all kinds of appearances and such, meanwhile, Shaunie was getting “worked out” probably just about everyday. Meanwhile, the chick has like 6 kids, 5 by a real life Chewbacca:

But yet, her body is looking like she’s ready to go and try to be the Next Pussycat Doll or something.

(she does look niiice.. Boy, you know ole Cubano was really getting after that)

She looks too fresh, too revived.. I mean what could those “workout sessions” have entailed? I don’t even want to think about it. All I know is that this Cuban cat best watch his back. It aint like he’s messing with Mr. Parker’s wife from Friday or something. I mean, this cat is nooooooooo joke. He could come at you on some, “I’ve got all the money in the world, m people will handle it and nobody will ever find you” or he could really get on some wild ShaqFu inspired gangsta sh*t and literally whoop that dude’s ass beyond recognition.

I don’t know. I always just figured cats know not to mess with certain people’s wives and Shaq squarely falls within that category right behind Mike Tyson, Allen Iverson, and Chris Benoit (ooh, I feel bad for that one). I mean, this dude is 7, 2 ish, 350 ish and ATHLETIC, which basically means, he aint to be played wit unless you’ve got similar physical stats:

(Like this dude)

But I guess this sort of thing isn’t too unprecedented, after all, this sort of thing was the basis for R. Kelly’s smash hit “Down Low” and as crazy as “Kelly” is, you know that was autobiographical.

whooooo wee.. that’s a good throwback if you’re a true Kelly fan like me. Mr. Bigs wasn’t f*cking around either. Watching that joint makes me think of the Shaq v. Rico Suave version:

(Warning, this is NOT funny unless you played the video and can follow the cadence of these lyrics)

The original is “Down Low” and the Spanglish version is called “Bajo”:

Bajo Bajo

Ooooooooooh-whoooo-oooooooh

Bajo Bajo

Ohhhhhhhhhhhhh

Bajo, Bajo

Whooooooaaa-ohhhhhh

Bajo Bajo

Ju stretch out me

Die stretch out ju

Wha’ we gone do ’bout dis freaky ‘shady’ love e-ffair

If Mr. Shaq come home and catch us Hey-Zeus Cristo

He might kill me, I aint legal, immigration isn’t fair

Somethin about all dis money and me casa Shaunie got me

How he no see, I like the shape that she in too

Stoopid gringo he no no ‘bout Cuban sandwich or me hip shake

Valid fear, 350 plus y 7, 2 (seven twoooooooo)

– Senor Lake