Survivor: Fans vs. Favorites

Check out our updated Survivor coverage of The Finale and Parvati’s win of Survivor: Fans vs. Favorites and Erik’s unbelievable Stupidest Survivor Ever Move.

Survivor is back with Fans vs. Favorites.

Jeff Probst is a pimp, This cat comes in flying on a helicopter. Was that real?

So when everyone is getting introduced, how the hell do they already know James? Didn’t the last show just end two months ago? I guess the game only takes 40 days tape, but damn, they’ve got to be editing the last shows right now.

As predicted Jeff has a little struggle with Parvati’s name. He was super careful when he said it. Welcome back Par-vat-tee.

Welcome back indeed. Parvati is hot by the way. The new pics from CBS don’t do her justice. . She’s tightened it up. New Tattoo on the back too. In other news, Amanda put the ass away. I guess she really did watch her season and get some new gear. Her shorts are way bigger. They don’t even have to blur her out. We used to get this:

Now she’s got it all covered up.

I guess Johnny Fairplay got his teeth fixed from this. He’s still a jerk, he dresses like Jeff, still an asshole. Great joke though. I appreciate the fact that Jeff recognized it instantly.

Once again, Johnny Fairplay still isn’t coordinated and still complains like punk. How are you going to let Yao Man punk you like that? Seriously, how do you get tackled by an old man?

The good thing about having experienced players and big fans is that they can’t catch them with those rookie mistakes. I’m surprised Amanda and James didn’t show up dressed like Joey wearing all of Chandlers clothes.

Is this chick Kathy serious? She just asked the gay dude if he wants to be a woman. Then she goes to ask about tracy’s boobs, asking to get a squeeze. Damn she’s annoying me. She’s stomping through the game like a damn fool. She’s going to get clipped as soon as these cats get the chance, that “Big Bird” nick name is perfect. I wouldn’t be surprised if she asked Jeff about where fire comes from. Hopefully she is just playing the rube, because no one who has ever watched survivor should ever be that annoying on the first day.

Daaaaaamn! The favorites start building shelter like it is damn Home Depot. Ozzy is getting food, and Parvati is flirting. These cats really are pros. Yao-Man just made fire with a pair of glasses, a drop of water and some coconut husk. This dude is the jungle MacGuyver…I mean Yao-Man is quietly one of the best players ever. He goes hard. How doe she know all of this stuff? By the way, is James really going to fall r the game Parvati is laying down? I mean he scooped her up like Tarzan and Jane. here’s my question, last show he was saying the turrible lunch lady chick would be in trouble if she was single, now he’s pushing up on Parvati? What is this dude’s type? Outdoorsy? Not having showered for at least 48 hours?

Seriously though, how is this cat Johnny Fairplay flipping on cats before they even get to the first reward challenge? I know you need alliances in Survivor, but damn these cats are plotting before anything goes down.It really makes it look like Fairplay was never planning on staying.

Haaaaa! Eliza just caught an eye jammie! She’s hurt for real too. She did not like that. Lake and I disagree on Eliza too. I think she’s pretty decent.

Johnny Fairplay is pulling the “I don’t want to be here” card. He’s probably nervous that he is gonna be kicked out first as the biggest asshole in Survivor history. Is Johnny really about to quit for real? Jeff hates quitters. This tribal counsel was probably hours long. Wow, Johnny Fairplay just tapped out. What the hell did he come for? The pre-show publicity? He couldn’t have planned to tap out like that.

Peace out Fairplay. That dude apparently banged out Real World alum Tonya Cooley, proud holder of the thick white woman award, so he’s not a total fool. We’ll see how this shapes up. The first episode was pretty boring. We’ll peep the rookies next episode.

-Brock

Survivor: Bring back the hotties

Someone on the Survivor production team must be reading Us Versus Them, because not only did the new Survivor bite our style, they also followed our advice. First of all it is called “Fans Versus Favorites” FvF doesn’t ring like UvT, but there is definitely going to be an Us Versus Them element this year. After Survivor: China having a severe hottie shortage, Survivor: Micronesia – Fans versus Favorites is coming on February 9th, and they are bringing the heat in 2008. Let’s keep this simple and meet a few old favorites and some welcome new additions.

The Old School Favorites:

Parvati:

Parvati (who knew her last name was Shallow?) from Survivor: Cook Islands is back boys and girls. We already highlighted her as one of our favorites last season, before we even knew she was coming back. She’s a welcome addition. Plus we get another season of listening to Jeff Probst murder her name (Poverty, Proverty, etc.).

Eliza:

Lake and I disagree on this one, but I’m down with Eliza. She’s quietly a dark horse to win. She’s been doing analysis and commentary on Survivor since Survivor: Vanuatu with the infamous Murtz. She gets the game and has paid attention to all of the changes in the game. She knows what she did wrong last time and will be gunning to fix it.

Amanda:

Our favorite blurred out chick from Survivor: China is back. With Parvati and Eliza in the mix, you will see exactly what I’m talking about with Amanda Kimmel. She’s not really that tight. Wait…you don’t recognize her?

How’s that? This was the angle the camera men preferred. I wonder if she had time between seasons to realize she needs more appropriate clothing so she doesn’t spend this entire season behind the blur.

Let’s check out the new chicks of Survivor…they brought some winners here too:

Mary:

Damn, I see Mary Sartain went to the Vida Guerra school of dipping yourself in sand for pictures. She’s a pro in more ways than one. I hope her game is as tight as she looks. We need her to stay around for a while, she…ummmmm…looks entertaining.

Natalie:

Well at least Natalie Bolton thinks Natalie Bolton is sexy. She looks like drama. Why would you make that face in your picture? I bet all her friends have a stack full of pictures that look just like this. Hilarious. She’s out early, I can tell.

Tracy:

Pass Tracy Hughes-Wolf the botox…damn. I wonder if she can express emotion from the nose up? Yikes. Seriously, she either lifts weights with her jaw, or she got one last botox treatment trying to look her best on tv. What’s up with the Wolf in the hyphenated last name? There are real people with the real last name Wolf out there? Or is it this guy?

Alexis:

Here’s the obligatory sweet girl next door. Alexis Jones could go either way. I can’t really tell what she’s working with from this pic. I know before even looking that she’s from the south. Just checked…it’s Texas.

You see Jeff didn’t send his girl Julie Berry back into the fray. Hell, I still need a gratuitous Julie pic.

Well, those are the ladies. The vets also bring back Johnny Fairplay, James from Survivor: China, Ozzy, and my man, your man, the inventor of the fake immunity idol…Yau-Man.

Gonna be a good one. Stay tuned.

-Brock

==============Update=============

Brock you forgot one necessary Survivor Hottie: Jenna Lewis.  I mean, babe was so ill, they brought her back for Survivor All-Stars.

Not bad, but what really puts her over the top is that sex tape that I haven’t seen but which can be viewed on a NSFW basis right HERE.  You be the judge, because now you’ve got the information.  Is it Parvati without the goods or Jenna who you know is willing to go the ahem extra mile.

– Lake

Survivor China: Jean-Robert Goes All-In

 Check out our UPDATE on the Survivor: China Finale HERE.

Survivor China is back this week and although they teased double crossing and backstabbing, it ended up being a pretty predictable affair.

First of all Jean-Robert starts to figure out the game in week 8 and kicks the poker “strategery” up in an effort to actually win the game.

Up until this point Jean-Robert has simultaneously employed the “make myself worthless so when I actually do something it looks good” strategy, coupled with the threaten everyone who might vote for me strategy. What he should have done is drop in the Evel Dick/Richard Hatch take me to the end because everyone hates me technique. That was his problem. He was only a dick enough to be annoying, not enough so that everyone wants to take him to the end and sit next to him when it is time to vote.

Jean-Robert even tries to surprise James by squaring him up. But James wasn’t going for the banana in the tailpipe. So instead, James slapped J-R with his junk at a challenge.

Peace out Jean-Robert.

Once again the fake idol popped up again with Jean-Robert trying to fake people into believing he would be immune to being voted out. In the end, he got faded out by Jeff.

Since it was a slow week, let’s talk about something important. With the lack of hotties this season, let’s talk about Jeff. This cat has to have the best job in the world. Fifteen seasons of traveling all over the world, working 80 days a year, rocking cargo pants and denim shirts everyday and calling cats out at tribal counsel for B.S. you know they did because you’ve already watched the video tape.

But that’s not the best part, Jeff also bagged one of the hottest chicks to roll through the jungle on Survivor.

Awwwww, don’t they look happy? Yeah, forget that, let’s see what else Julie’s working with.

I see you Jeff, she keeps it silky smooth through the stomach area. What else?

A little side boob and tail piece combo. Let’s not forget that this was the chick that preferred naked sunbathing on the show. Well played Jeff, well played.

-Brock

Survivor China: Jaime Plays Herself

 Check Out our UPDATE of the Survivo: China Finale HERE.

We’ve got a lot of catching up to do, here’s the best of what’s gone down:

James said that Denise “better watch out” is she was a little bit younger, or he was a little older. Is age really the only thing holding him back? Come on brother! Are you attracted to her work ethic? She is a damn near mute with thunder thighs and a mullet.

Look at those sneakers, those gotta be long ’bout size eleven or twelve. You gonna get up on that James?

Now I’ve watched every episode of Survivor since the beginning of the series. I get the theory of throwing challenges, but it is definitely bad Survivor karma. Not to mention the fact that Jeff Probst and Mark Burnett will set things up to get yo ass later. Sure enough, Jaime gets caught by the joke that Yau-Man tried to pull last year. Like James said, did she think someone was just going to leave an immunity idol laying around camp like they were leftovers. I guess James had two so he didn’t need anymore. Jaime plaaaaayed herself with that fake idol. Jeff loved it too after she threw that challenge a few weeks ago. Talking about “Jeff, isn’t this the time to play a hidden immunity idol if you have it?” Jeff was like, sure. Then played her when he threw it into the fire.

She was like, wait, whaaaaaaa? Oh, I got peaced out?

Sherea got voted off the island a few weeks ago. All of my little predictions are starting to fall apart. Sherea got caught up on the wrong team at the wrong time.

She tried to curse a few people out on her way out the door too while issuing the stank face.

So here’s how it’s shaping up.

James has decent alliances and two immunity idols in his back pocket. People are going to start sniping him not only because he is a physical threat to win individual immunity, but also because he has been a nice guy all the way through.

Todd is going to have a strategy meltdown. He is coming up with schemes that are about four layers too complex. He is trying to throw a challenge, while negotiating an alliance, while playing the hidden immunity idol, while blindsiding Jeff, while snuffing out Jean-Robert’s torch while he wasn’t looking. He’s going to drive himself into madness if he doesn’t watch out.

I think Frosti is still in a great spot to make it to the end. He won the first individual immunity, he doesn’t seem to be on anyone’s radar, and by time they pick off the big threats (Jean-Robert for being a jerk, James for being huge, Todd for scheming too hard, Pei-Gee for being annoying, and Courtney for being waaaaay too annoying, he will still be in the mix.

Next week looks like a good one as Todd tries to blindside James. Yeah, that’s not gonna work.

-Brock