John Edwards: In the Case of That Baby Mama is Damn Ugly, John YOU _____ the Father!

Awwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaail no!  First a tranny on “I want Diddy” (ha) and now this.  This has been a fucked up week!

Come on John.  Even she can’t believe you blazed that.  Look at her, she’s disgusted!  Don’t tell me you hit that raw dog.  I mean, anyone could have a bad night (I guess) but with this babe you need a condom, liquid drain-o, an assault rifle and a urologist waiting outside the room standing on call.  I mean, I read the story and immediately called the Orkin man just on general principle.

And yes I stepped on Brock’s post.  And you know what, like Smokey, I.Don’t.Give.A.Fuccccck.  Ya dig?

– Weekend Lake, ready to git after it like Ollie v. April

ARod’s Wife: I Gotta Quit You

Cynthia Rodriguez just filed for divorce in Miami, citing infidelity as the main cause.  Ya think?  What tipped you off CRod?  Is the the fact that 78% of all women would bang him out on site for a shot at that quarter billion dollar contract while asking “how many licks will it take ’till I get to shop“?  Or the fact that he cavorts with known strippers and Playboy Playmates?  Or is it the fact that Madonna has been kicking at his NY crib for the last week and a half?  This is not yet confirmed, but I think she also mailed him this shirt as part of her initial settlement offer.

She’s filing in Miami, so I’m assuming that the crib on Star Island is going to be high on the list of “shit I want to keep” along with as much of that $250 Million that 6 years of marriage and two kids can buy you.  I have to imagine that we’re going to hear that the three year old and the three month old are used to a very high quality of life, which for kids that young means that they have two tricycles and all the milk they can drink, which of course requires about $65,000 per month to maintain that kind of lifestyle.

Meanwhile, A Rod has already moved on.

A Rod has had the not quite confirmed for divorce Madonna coming in and out of his crib.  Both are still denying it, but hey…why not?  We already know that Madonna hooked up with a brother of another color a decade ago because he had the right “bone structure” for her future child.

Wow, look at that dude.  What?  Prince wasn’t available at the time?  I remember that Dennis Rodman was also on the short list, so maybe ARod shouldn’t be too honored to be on Madonna’s short list.

I’m sure A Rod will come out of this fine.  Like Chris Rock said, if you’ve got 200 Million and she take’s half, you can still eat…If you make $10,000 and she takes half, you might have to kill the chick.  A Rod won’t have to resort to murder, but he might want to kill the chick by time all of this is done.  Maybe Cynthia Rodriguez can hook up with Shaunie O’Neal and have a divorce party.

New Rule:  Any athlete in the modern era who is due to be on the 50 greatest players of all time list in their respective sport just shouldn’t get married.  It never works out.  Ever.  Why try?

-Brock

Enough With These Chicks Trying to Be Milfs

Short and sweet on this one (or not), but I’m tired of these chicks out here trying to act like they’re something other than what they are. Take Bridget Moynahan for instance.

Baby girl gets knocked up with Tom Brady’s baby, which is good enough for a middle tier, would be no name babe like herself, but now she’s out here trying to self style herself as a “MILF”?

Say what? Dude, posing in some sexy shit in front of your kids crib aint sexy, it’s sad. Forget calling Brock to tell him how hot this broad looks, I’m about to call Child Services to go pick Tom Jr. up so he can have a safe and wholesome upbringing over at Uncle Lake’s house.

And you just know Tom can’t like this one bit. I mean, he’s got to see his baby’s mama parading around trying to show off that she’s still hot after having his seed? Why not just strap on a “fuck Tom” billboard and tell everyone what you really think of the guy?

If she wants to be sexy and hot, why can’t she do it WITHOUT bringing attention to the fact that she’s a single mother? Why make reference to the kid at all? I mean, there’s no need to be ashamed, but you don’t have to publicize your dysfunctional sex/relationship habits either.

And look at the way she’s pushing that stroller, like it’s something that she NEVER does. I guess that’s what a grip of Child Support can do for a “struggling single mother.”

Using your single-mom-dom as a spring board to rekindle that dwindling career? That’s pretty weak. And let’s face it, Tommy upgraded you with this pregnancy.

At 37, it was the 4th quarter with the shot clock read 15 seconds anyway. I’m not saying the kid wasn’t going to happen, but worse things than having Tommy B’s kid could have happened to you.

I mean, what’s with it with all these mothers who don’t know how to act?

Have some decency. Cover up the enhanced tittays. Read a book, if not for your kid’s sake, your own. I mean, act like a damn mother!

And stop rolling your seed around like he’s a brand new Prada bag. I don’t want to hear these chicks talking about how they’re a “Milf”. You can’t proclaim yourself a Milf, it doesn’t work that way. A major part of the Milf draw is that she doesn’t actually realize that she’s still hot. It’s the fact that she’s moved on to motherly duties, but is still actually hittable that makes her a major draw. Some ole cougar trolling for dudes because her man skipped town aint no Milf.

And Milf-dom is assessed by the potential “fukker” not the “fukkee”. You can’t appoint yourself a Milf, it’s got to be reached by consensus. And if you’ve got to ask if you’re a Milf, believe me, you’re not. Most mothers aren’t Milfs, if they were, we wouldn’t have to single out the ones cats actually want to touch with their ten foot pole.

(Now Mel B. She’s all Milf and then some. She’s MILF’d the fuck out!)

So unless you’re unique, you’re probably just another babe buying diapers at Target. Meaning you’re more likely a “mother F’er I wish would get out my way” rather than a “mother I’d like to F”. Ya feel me?

In closing, until you receive future notice, you aint a Milf to me. You’re just an old cougar who happened to trick at cat into putting one on goal. Now it’s time to own it and raise that kid lest she end up looking and acting like this.

Now get back to work?

– Lake

Karma’s a bitch: Giants are champs, Pats are not

I don’t know, maybe illegally videotaping your opponent, rocking that ridiculous hoodie all the time, stealing people’s wives and putting them in pimp houses in Brooklyn, never being honest on your injury reports, mumbling with a stoned grill through all your press conferences and running up the score on your opponents this year thereby giving Brock and unwarranted and unnatural upgrade at Fantasy QB wasn’t such a good idea after all.

It’s called Karma my nilla and now it came to bite you in the azz! Oh yeah, you got what you deserved tonight, that we know. The Giants won and pretty much everyone outside the 617 was happy as a result. I wonder what Mercury Morris will have in store for all of us tomorrow.

You know those ESPN executives are on the phone with that cat right now checking out those flights on Orbitz because they need homey on set to run some post Non Perfect Season smack on the Patriots. Let me just give yall a sample of the kind of smack this cat runs.

Hilarious. As I said before, homey needs to be a regular feature on ESPN’s NFL coverage. He’s great.

Anyway, I don’t want to rub anyone’s face in it, but this thing went about as it should have. Again, Karma is a muthafucka and the Patriots have been assholes all year long. Their coach is a complete dick and hey, even Tom Brady got a little dirt under his nails.

Oh and you can stop those “Tom Brady is the best Quarterback of all time” statements any time now. Tom was not sharp today.

Sure, he was bothered by the Giants’ pass rush, but this is the NFL.

He missed a number of key throws to Randy Moss and just wasn’t able to execute when he did have the passing lanes. Cats ride his jock when they win, so they might as well kick him in the nuts now that they lost. Oh and how happy do you think Bridget Moynahan is right now?

You know she’s got little Tommy dressed up in a Eli Manning alternate Red Jersey just making it rain (with Tom’s child support money) on the little guy like confetti after the game.

Damn T, I think you’re an all right guy but you kind of deserved what you got. It’s all good though, you’re the man with three rings already and you’ve got years ahead of you. Make it right homes.

Congrats to the Giants. I didn’t need Plaxico’s waterworks at the end, but hey, cats were talking shit when he guaranteed victory and said the Pats would only score 17 points. Hell, even the humble Tommy B. responded to Plax by saying 1. “Is Plax going to play defense” and 2. “give us a little credit”… sheeyut, seems to me he gave yall too much credit since you only mustered up 14 points.

Given that Plax can’t speak on the topic right now, I’ll do it for him. AND DEN WHAT?!

Finally, how silly does THIS cat look right now?

Damn son, put some clothes on. Ok, how about now?
Anyway, Tiki looks like a real clown right now. I mean, he left the team talking all that “I have other opportunities” and as soon as his ass leaves the Giants start manning up and playing as a team. Sad to say, but both he and Jeremy Shockey were quietly more a part of the problem than the solution. All this talk about Shockey being a “premier” tight end. Really? I can’t tell on the field. Anyway, Tiki and his brother Rhonde look really silly right now.

Michael Vick aint got shit on these two cats. Lol, look at the dog… If he could talk he’d definitely be yelling “Yelp!” (Scooby).

I mean, it’s almost like Tiki lost a championship more than the Giants won it without him. Pretty terrible. Congrats to the fellas… Fire up that “Ballin” song one last time.

– Lake

Perfect? Pats cap off controversial regular season

I hate to say I told yall so, but of course, Lake was right again as the Pats made short work of the New York Giants. Eli put up a nice fight early, but he suddenly remembered that he was who we thought he was in that second half.

Anyway, this post has nothing to do with those fakers in blue (have fun losing in that first round playoff game fellas). What I want to focus on is this turmoil filled season for the Pats. Sure, the Pats are 16-0 and perfect on the field, but when you put it all into context, it’s more like a “Prefect” season than anything else. Can you believe all the controversy these cats had to deal with this year? Here’s my year in review rundown:

1. Pimps up hoes down, Brady style

Oh yes, ole Bridge wasn’t very happy when Tom traded in her iRobot level career and played out her real life Sex and the City Natasha scenario en route to bagging supermodel Gisele.

Boy Gisele is attractive, but I wonder how she stays so thin.

Gisele riding the white horse, is there anything better than that? Plus this chick has an estimated $150 million in the bank. Tom Brady truly is great.

2. The Revenge of Bridgette

Unfortunately, young B wasn’t going to go quietly when Tom moved on to a better version of her.

Tom got caught out there with the okie doke and got a little egg on his face. Normally this wouldn’t be an issue, but Tom had previously branded himself as a “golden boy” of sorts. Maybe it was a media creation and maybe it was just him. Either way, this didn’t help that or any image of Tom’s.

Damn, wild torpedo belly, I wonder what that kid was doing up in there.

Oh well, it’s not a big deal to me. But the dirt under Tom’s fingernails worked for his mojo this year. If you ax me, he needs to go ahead and get Gizzy preggers and then upgrade to a newer and younger chick….this all would be for the glory of the Pats of course. Tom needs his medicine.

3. Beli-Cheat and Spygate

Say what you want about the Pats, but this season should not be minimized by the Spygate scandal. Again, the Pats needed spygate to motivate them and make them nasty. Clearly it worked. Hey, there really isn’t much more to say about this part of the story, but I just like the pictures I have depicting spygate so much that I’ll just throw another up for my own amusement.

4. Everything that makes Bill Belichick the Hoody

First is that ridiculous cut-off sweatshirt hoody that he rocks. I mean dude looks like a freaking homeless person on the sideline. He’s got the wrinkled up, wrinkle free dockers, the thugged out hoody joint and that freaking crazy concrete mug. It’s just hilarious.

Then you have the fact that he got dimed out by the Man-genius for being a cheater even though the League warned him to stop taping his opponents sidelines.

That foolishness earned him that hot $500,000 fine and about $500,000,000 in embarrassment. But you can’t stop Bill. My favorite story about him from this year was how he ran hoes out of that Brooklyn brownstone.

You just gotta love it.

At any rate, this certainly is a team for the ages. Like all great teams, there is more to pay attention to than just the games themselves. Please note that Randy Moss has done nothing but make this team better this year and hasn’t brought ANY off field foolishness to the table.

Randy is the man and if he was the one running some dude’s wife like a ho or knocking up multiple actress/models, the media would be all over him. What can you do… Congrats to the Pats. I’ve enjoyed it

– Lake

Usher Has a Boy

 

Usher just had a baby in the ATL.  Little Usher Raymond V.  (Is Usher a IV?  Who knew?)  I guess this cat is locked in now.  Married in September, kid in November.  That’s hardly ever cool.  I hope Usher has a prenup, but with that kid it almost doesn’t matter now.  Like Kanye said, 18 years, 18 years, and on the 18th birthday found out it wasn’t his?

This dude was messing with fine ass Chilli before he sold 10 million albums.  All it reminds me of is the fact that Chilli was sexy as hell in that red light special video. I’ma get my flashback on right quick.

Damn Chilli. What the hell was Usher thinking? When you are the best selling R&B star since MJ, you’re supposed to re-up. Not re-down. Seriously, he traded Chilli for this babe?

I know some cats base their wife on their momma, but that doesn’t mean that she should really look like your momma. Like born the same year as your momma. And he gave up this:

Man, that stomach has always been tight.

Hell let’s do it like the Black Sheep. You can get with this:

Or you can get with that:

Damn, that terrible ass pic messed up my moment.  I don’t care what they tell you they are going to do in retouching, you can’t play yourself like that.

So whats up with this kid?  Hopefully he doesn’t have the conehead like his pops.

Yikes.

What’s the over under on Usher and Tameka?  Three years? How long before the chick that shoots crazy ass looks like this goes fully crazy?

I’m thinking long about halfway through Usher’s next European tour.

-Brock

Mel B. watch: The hottest baby mama ever

Dude, is it me or did Mel B. just push Eddie’s baby out 4 and 1/2 months ago?

Since that time she has called him out, got Maury Povich to verify that Eddie IS THE FATHER, got her $$$ from Eddie on the suit tip and supposedly got married to some Bison Dele dude who she had been dating for 4 months.

I guess when you’ve got all this dough and great genetics, you can afford to spend the time to look like she does. But my word, how in the hell does she do it. And I just saw that she’s got an older daughter too?

Two kids, one a few months ago and she bounced back like that? I can see why Eddie was all over it.. Man.

Tom Brady scores again: It’s a boy!

Congrats to Tom Brady and Bridget Moynahan on the birth of their new baby.

(now watch that hand there Bridget, after all, that’s how yall got the first one!)

Bridget is said to be doing fine which is somewhat astonishing, after all, she did look like this just a few days ago.

Dude, seriously, we didn’t know what was up in there. I mean, Tom Brady is the ultimate gamer, the ultimate perfectionist and the ultimate stud. So it was only fitting that the kid would have his host errrr Mom looking like she does above, but we were still a little confused, that was, until we saw the little guy.

(stuntin like his Daddy for real)

Indeed, he’s already exceeding expectations in true Brady fashion. So much so that I think the Giants just burned a 2008 first round draft pick and cash considerations for Little Tom’s rights.

Figures, he’s at worst a lock to have as good an NFL career as terrible Eli Manning is right now, right? Let’s just hope that Bridge and Tom can keep it together with the contract/payments errrr family-focused assessment of what is in the best interest of the child and his parents in the months and years to come.

Indeed, if Bridget can get past the New England Patriots Quarterback’s decision to leave her sperminated arse back in December for supermodel Giselle (can’t hate on him too much for that) then we really shouldn’t have any messy Baby Mama Drama entries to pound out for your viewing pleasure on this here UvT.

Whatever you do Tom, don’t go the way of Chicago Bears Linebacker Brian Urlacher.

(Urlacher is a wild, wild boy!!!)

Sheeeyut, it’s hard to pick a Baby Mama Drama story with this cat. Clearly as a result of his wildness he’s now divorced, but it appears that homey wasn’t just killing them on the football field. First, homey had two children out of wedlock while he was married and/or with his wife. Then he got back with his wife/mother of his legit kids, only to continue chasing down these hoes like he was chasing down QBs and running backs last year. And all of this culminated with UGLY public Baby Mama Drama including wild threatening text messages he was sending to one of his Baby Mamas and just general wildness that we don’t need to detail here.

Needless to say, Urlacher is NOT a role model in that regard. I mean, seriously, just think about the extent to which he must have really been blazin’ these Chi-town h*oes, because he had to use condoms with most of them right? And if he got two chicks pregnant, just imagine how many Chicago and other NFL city babes he hit raw dog but DIDN’T actually sperminate. Damn, I can’t tell if Urlacher is just a rock star stud or a truly terrible cat. I gotta think on that one. All I know is that he’s in a custody battle with some stripper (come on man) for his son. Wildness.

What I’m waiting to see is if the all knowing omniscient purveyor of all that is good, decent, godly and right for the NFL will suspend Tom Brady for having a kid out of wedlock? You never know, his rulings have been horribly arbitrary and capricious to this point. Why not just take it all the way?!?!

– Lake

Baby Mama Drama: The curse of Mel B.

We’ve been meaning to get back to this Eddie Murphy thing for a while now. Let me just preface this by saying that Eddie is my favorite comedian of all time. Think about it, he’s hilarious in stand-up, he was absurdly hilarious on Saturday Night Live, he’s put together classic movies, hell, dude can even sing. Bottom line, Eddie Murphy is a once in a lifetime talent. With that said, Ed has had some bumps in the road on the personal life front. We don’t need to get into that too too much here, but the latest issue bears mention.

Oh damn. Now I understand how and why a dude like Eddie gets with Mel B. to begin with. She’s got the accent. She’s got a little swagger with her pop start status, the hair..oh yeah and then there is this:

ohh we. I can’t lie. Her body is on point my friends (and that tail piece is strong in all the right ways)

This was a picture of Mel B. in 2006, looking reaaaally right on that beach. I guess some babes are just blessed, but how could Ed take Mel from there to here?

Arrrgh, listen, I know child birth is a blessing and “the glow” is supposed to be real, but as a dude you can play that cat song “You’re beautiful, you’re beautiful, you’re beautiful it’s true….” as many times as you want and it still aint gonna make this look right. Especially when you consider what she used to look like. I can’t lie, when I saw these pictures, I just couldn’t believe how Eddie let himself go down this path. Then he tried to deny the kid was his… umm, so tough. No benefit there, especially when Maury hit him with that “Eddie, you ARE the Father!” So tough. But now Mel B. is just acting up.

First she’s parading the seed of Eddie all over town. Taking all kinds of wild pictures. Talking about super rich Ed is a deadbeat. I mean, really giving him the business in order to raise her profile ala Brynn Cameron, Matt Leinart’s Baby Mama.

Then she went off and got married to some Byson Daily looking dude which is completely random and now they’re both making the rounds on the talk shows and celebrity mags. Shameless man… I can’t tell you who is worse, her for pimping out her child at Eddie’s expense or this random dude for being Mrs. Scary Spice B. I mean, who is this cat and why is he posing as if it’s his kid (now I see why Eddie wanted the paternity proved).

I can’t lie though. Mel B has bounced back and in a major way. Look at this pic of ole girl looking almost pre-baby like on the beach.

I don’t know who it is, but her nutritionists and trainers really got their sh*t together. Babe just had a kid and she looks like this? Wow. And with every tabloid shot, every pose with his kid, Eddie is just getting bad chick karma. Ed, you’ve got the kids and all the women you could want…how could you make a mistake like this and not wrap up? Wow. My man Ed…

– Lake

Baby mama drama: Tom Brady headed that way?

Young Tom Brady, don’t think we forgot about ya. You know your day is coming. Indeed, your ex-lady, Bridget Moynahan is finally back in public juuuust in time to give you a little negative press before the season opener.  What a coincidence.

Daaayum Tom, you really put it on her. Looks like she’s got Warren Sapp up in there or something. Now I see why you got those three Superbowl rings — you clearly have a commitment to excellence in all that you do. Now that’s a baby bump! It just aint fair man. You’ve got ole Bridge sitting up there housing this monster child, meanwhile, you’re laid up in something as fine as Gisele, looking smoothed out and extra chill and loving your life.

Damn, she’s fine.

Tom, you really are a smooth mufucka, I can’t lie! Now that you’ve got the kid, marriage makes no sense though, so don’t do it. Whatever you do, don’t let Bridge (who must hate you because she already claimed you dumped her once you found out about the baby) diss you in the press like Brynn Cameron did Matt Leinart. That was ugly. Get in front of the story son. I certainly don’t want to have to continue to call you out on this blog…but I will if you can’t manage your ex and this baby situation like you manage that game clock.

Go Bills.