Archive for the ‘Shawn Kemp’ Category

Mike Vick Turns Himself In

November 20, 2007

Michael Vick turned himself in today to start his jail term ahead of his sentencing date of December 10th. I guess he finally figured out that actually doing something responsible may actually cause the judge and the public to avoid throwing the entire book at the dude. I just don’t know about turning myself in early. Go read to some kids, volunteer at an old folks home, plant some flowers. You don’t want to just turn yourself in to Adebisi and Schillinger before you have to.


There are going to be more than dogs trying to get his ass in jail.

Is Vick going to roll with the Black Muslims or the Mexican Gangsters? Does a big ol’ swole cat try to roll up on him for his biscuit in the mess hall?


Phone Check Fool!

Does he get put in a cell with Maurice Clarett? Is he going to get fat like Shawn Kemp Maurice Clarett?

What if he pulls a Lindsay Lohan and is only sentenced for 84 minutes? Then he’d be in jail for no reason. Let me tell you something. If I’m on my way to jail, you’re gonna have to come get me. I’ll be fighting harder that the Don’t Tase Me Bro kid.

On the real, I hope Mike pulls through it in good shape and makes it back into the league. He should get one more shot.


Make it (Chocolate) Rain!

August 5, 2007

We’ve already covered Making it Rain on them hoes like Pacman Jones. Now if Making it Rain means throwing money on strippers…what the hell is Chocolate Rain? Maybe my man Tay Zonday can explain it for me.

Is that joint a freestyle? Is he reading lyrics off of the wall in front of him? There isn’t a line that makes sense in the whole damn song. “School books say it can’t be here again”? “The prisons make you wonder where it went?” First of all, this cat sounds like a smoothed out Louis Armstrong. Then, what is that note at the beginning of the video? I move to the side to breathe? Word up Tay? Here’s the crazy thing, he only moves to the side every four verses. Is he holding his damn breath the rest of the time?

So what the hell does Chocolate Rain mean? It is a good thing that aRa Kelly didn’t make this song. Cook County prosecutors were already looking into the lyrics of “Make it Rain”, thinking that it meant that he was peeing on people as opposed to showering them with money. I guess unless it was the 1600’s and you were throwing gold…then I guess technically it would be a “golden shower”, but I digress. They would probably think Chocolate Rain is waiting until you had the bubble guts and taking a shizzle on these bizzles.

In recognition of Tay Zonday’s musical breakthrough. UvT must take a moment to recognize other great rain in history.

Purple Rain:


Candy Rain by Soul for Real:

The sharp chinned Rain Pryor:


and the most fertile man in NBA history, the Reignman:


Tay-Z, we salute you.