Archive for the ‘What Can Brown Do for You?’ Category

Barack Did It

August 29, 2008

Shout out to Barack Obama for accepting the Democratic Nomination last night.

This is a moment in history that most people didn’t think America was ready for.  Barack seized the moment and delivered eveything anyone could have possibly asked for.  He acknowledged the history, he addressed the issues, he set the prime moments of his agenda, he drew a stark difference between himself and McCain.  And yes, I will be watching the Republican convention next week to see what they have to say.  I fully expect to see more of this.

Fuck Fox News.

-Brock

Man Up Monday: Big Brown

June 9, 2008

Big Brown had his big day on Saturday as he was about to run into history.

I mean he came in strong, no other horse has been within three lengths of this the big fella, his trainer was talking shit, people who don’t know anything about horse racing were putting money on 5-2 odds.  Five will win you two?  Hey, everyone who made that bet…just so you know, under normal circumstances that is not the kind of action you generally want.  If you made that bet, we’ll hook you up with KIR in NV from the forums, she will let you know where the real action is in Vegas…suckers.  Well, if you weren’t paying attention, Big Breezay got sent to the showers.

He went from potential Triple Crown winner to last place loser at the Belmont stakes.  Last place?  Nice job, champ!  Simultaneously, interest in horse racing in America went from an all time high of 68% of the U.S. population back down to its normal level of 1% including just people who own horses, gambling degenerates who just have to bet on something, and asshole sports nuts who feel like they have to prove that they know everything about every sport by hitting you with obscure analysis that no one gives a damn about.

You know they guys who were sitting around last week talking about “It’s a long race and Big Brown will drop back early to the second pack and Disormo will have plenty of opportunity to move him & make sure he doesn’t get trapped on the rail.”  Whaaaaaatever.  Thanks for that high level analysis, I’ll be looking forward to your breakdown of the curling competition at the Vancouver Olympics.  I hear Norway is going to have a killer squad.  Thanks for the overanalysis.  Look, I barely give a damn about two out of the top four sports in America, I could really care less about the 32nd most popular sport in America.

So let’s see, we have the biggest favorite to win the Triple Crown in thirty years…in a sport that has year round betting on random races that occur in backwoods tracks all over America and broadcast via close circuit tv to casinos 24/7…and the horse mysteriously comes in last place.

Even Tim Donaghy thinks that sounds fishy.

Gary Coleman can’t explain it…

Even Big Brown himself says he doesn’t know why his trainer pulled him up.

So far, Big Brown has been tested and is injury free.  Yeah, something ain’t right.  His jockey tried to blame it on the heat.  The baddest horse of all time get pulled up because it is hot outside?  Big Brown…Man Up!

What can brown do for you indeed…

-Brock

Big Brown, Corporate Shill?

June 2, 2008

I thought Big Brown was just a badass horse with an attitude and the ability to whoop ass on command. But today I was crushed, and the evidence was right there in front of me. Big Brown. You get it? No. Okay, if this was Nascar, this is how it would go down.

You just slap logos on every damn thing just to make sure the Nascar fans get the point, the cover the cars, they cover the driving suit, hell they even label kids in the crowd. I guess in horse racing, they keep it cool, keep it underground, you just name your horse Big Brown and you hope people think about this.

That’s right. The owner of UPS has skin in the game with Big Brown. This might be the biggest payoff ever. UPS is behind the most dominant horse in 30 years? If anyone actually cared about this sport this story would be huge. Instead, they gets some love here on UvT for trying to pull one over on the low low. If this horse wins the triple crown, UPS will get free advertising until the end of time. Forget the fact that UPS is trying to jack and entire color at their brand (at least it was a color no one wanted too badly), they are about to steal a piece of sports history!

Sorry, that picture has nothing to do with anything. Just some good old fashioned gratuitous UvT T&A. She’s dressed like a UPS delivery driver though…so there.

So I like this idea. If anyone has a thoroughbred that needs a name you can go ahead and name it Usver Susthem. We’ll pay you in interns.

-Brock

Big Brown: Can’t Lose With That Name

May 22, 2008

I normally don’t watch horse racing, you know what…I didn’t even watch it this time, but Big Brown has been dragging the field so much it is hard to ignore.

I don’t know if Big Brown is on that Roger Clemens program, but no one else is even close. As a matter of fact, if human athletes get suspended for using horse steroids, what kind of steroids do horses need to do? What other animals are on those roids?

This bull is definitely on that stuff

Like I said, with a name like Big Brown, you can’t lose. The name is way tougher than typical horse names. You know Nacho Cheese, Ickabad Crane, My Dear Watson and the like. Big Brown is whooping so much ass my man Grande Smoove in the ATL said he wanted to get a Big Brown racing jacket like the jockey.

Those blue stars ain’t for everyone, but that could be a hot motorcycle jacket.

Big Brown just passed Bobby Brown, Big Boi, and Bill Buckner are the most famous Double B’s in the world. (Triple B from the comments still stands alone for the moment.) Big Black from Rob & Big isn’t too happy about it though.

The horse might win the race, but I’ve got Big Black in a fight.

-Brock

Man Up Monday: The Morehouse Man

May 19, 2008

Or is that the Man of Morehouse?  You all know that Morehouse is the pinnacle of the Black college experience.  They are a proud, proud bunch of men.

You’ve got every kind of brother here.  Bowtie Brother.  Proud sweatshirt Brother.  Dreadlock brother.  Successful business brother…and if I wear this suit I’ll look like a successful business brother.  I think when you get there you are a Man of Morehouse, and when you leave you are a Morehouse Man.  Or maybe it is the other way around.  The funny thing is it works both ways…that shit doesn’t make sense.

Well either way there are some brothers at Morehouse who are not happy this morning.  Here is the 2008 valedictorian, Joshua Packwood.

Awwwwwww damn.  Is nothing sacred?  The white boy came in and dropped a 4.0 on Morehouse.  Morehouse man, man of Morehouse.  Nobody wanted to step up and box this dude out?  You know, make him pledge Que or something so his grades would get jacked up for a semester.

You know the proud sisters of Spelman also thought they had found the ultimate white boy who appreciated Black culture.  You know ol’ Josh had his killer crossover game tight.  Even the most bohemian, poetry slamming, natural hair wearing sister gave Josh some play.

So this is to the men of Morehouse.  You can’t let this happen again. Dude was probably an African-American studies major.  You cats need to Man Up on this one.  Make some study groups.  Let the power of Black Pride make you wake up in the morning.  You can’t just let a white boy roll up in the spot and establish himself as an authority on Black Culture.  You can’t let him legitimize himself as the best of what Black institutions have to offer.  First, you let a white boy do that, then next thing you know they are trying to take over the world.  Is nothing sacred?  Wait a minute.  I just realized…I’ve got to go have a talk with Lake…dammit!

-Brock

————UPDATE————–

How did I miss the fact that this dude’s last name is “Packwood”?  Is there anything more pimpin’ than that?  With a name like that he was definitely up on the sisters.  Is there a better white boy trying to pick up a sister name than that? 

Spelman Sister: I don’t know.  I’ve never dated a white boy before.  I don’t know what that’s like.

JP:  My last name is Packwood, baby.  Pack.  Wood.  Know what I’m sayin’?  I think I might have something you’ll like.

In fact, the interns were able to pull a pic of Playa Packwood and his girlfriend off the internets.

Josh is rocking the full on shadow and the bad girlfriend who I’ve got on good authority would fall into the “Us” category of body type.  Nice work Josh!

By the way, Lake and I were discussing why a white dude as valedictorian of Morehouse hasn’t happened before.  We realized that most white boys who bring the kind of academic heat to be valedictorian at a major academic institution probably isn’t electing to go get that “cultural experience” over at Morehouse.  They are either down the street at Georgia Tech or they took that ride to Athens to chill between the hedges at Georgia.

-Brock

Barbara Walters is a Freak!

May 7, 2008

In the midst of all the old school sex tape news, here is one where I pray to the baby Jesus hoping that there is no video tape evidence of this tryst.

Barbara Walters is trying to sell her new book and in order to try to make anyone give a damn she dropped this bombshell on the unsuspecting American public. Barbara Walters said she had an affair with Edward Brooke, a Republican Senator from Massachusetts. I know, I know…you still don’t care. And neither did I, that is why this story didn’t show up last week. Then I did some research, and wait a damn minute…

Edward Brooke is a brother. Damn Barbara, when you cross it over, you cross it all the way over don’t you? This was in the 70’s? Barbara described the experience as “exciting”, we know Barbara, that why all the white girls say when they take their first run with a brother. Barbara says she was “infatuated” with the married Brooke. Once again, we know infatuation is code for “once you go Black you can’t go Back”. Hey, respect to Barbara for getting down with a Black man just a few years after the end of the Civil Rights Movement.

My question is for Edward Brooke. Now I’ve only seen old Barbara, was Bambi Walters “cheatin’ material” back in the day?

IIIIIIIIIoooooooon’t know bout that right there player. Sure, she was on national tv. She was a trailblazer for women in the news. I’m sure all of those things are very attractive, but she looks about the same then as she does now. Come on Ed, the 70’s had a lot of hot, famous chicks. What about Wonder Woman? Farrah Fawcett? Daisy Duke? And that’s just if you wanted to go with the white girls. Don’t get me started on Pam Grier and Thelma from Good Times. You got options brother. You went Meredith Viera when you coulda gone Pam Oliver, nahmsayin’?

Meanwhile, Edward Brooke hasn’t said a word about the whole thing. You know the crack staff as Us Versus Them tracked him down for the exclusive interview.

UvT: Ed, how do you feel about Barbara Walters bringing up old shit?

Edward Brooke:

Who said what?

UvT: Barbara Walters said you hit that…

Ed: Sheeeeeeeeeeiiiiiiiiit. No comment.

I feel you Ed, I wouldn’t own up to that either.

-Brock

Vanilla Ice take the wheel…

April 10, 2008

Now see, this is what gives us cool white dudes a bad name. Cats just have to learn to stay in their lane, play it cool and you’ll get the best of both worlds as a down ass white dude. This cat, I mean, WOW, this is just fucking deplorable, but HILARIOUS. If you can stand it to wait for that second verse, please do. I mean, it took me that long to begin to actually laugh. I think prior to that I was just in shock. Haa, wow.

Wow. Somebody call child protection, the bloods, crips and the aryan brotherhood. All four entities need to give this fool a good once over. Awful.

– Lake

———–UPDATE————

All I want to know is, where the hell did this kid get the “Let it Burn” instrumental from?  I’m sure he did Usher proud with that one.  And what was that date he kept dropping?  The first time he hunched this chick out in front of his white fence?

Love Letter to Jessica Simpson

April 4, 2008

Jess-Jess,

I know you just got out of the hospital with that “kidney infection“, and I just want to say I’m sorry baby. You told me. You told me you’d never been with a black man before. You told me that Tony Romo only goes deep on the football field. I should have paid attention. You are a lot shorter than you look on TV, I didn’t know I’d rearrange your internal organs.

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This is how I’ll always remember you sugarbear.

You came by the crib, I threw on the Jodeci, lit the finest candles, lit my old school incense, broke out the essential oils that I bought from the brother next to the train station…I think it was “Black Love”, and went to work. Hey, I don’t know what was going on with Nick Lachey but brothers don’t get into all that wild stuff. Look, I’ve kept the ladies in my life happy with three positions: Hit it. Hit it from the back. And hit it hard from the back. Haaaaa. My bad, I didn’t mean to laugh Jessie, I know you’re still in pain. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying it’s your fault baby, but I’d never done a reverse cowgirl Abraham Lincoln double blumpkin donkey punch wheelbarrow before.  But that’s what you like…so I was down.

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Now I know, the knees stay below the hips. My bad.

The whole kidney infection was a great cover up. It will be our little secret.

Love,

– Brock

P.S. Tell T.O. to stop calling me. I know it’s unfurr. I know Romo is his teammate. That Romo is his quarterback. Just stop.

Lake is Already On His Way to the Barbershop

April 1, 2008

I tried not to let him see this, but it was already too late. Apparently, the hairstylists of Korea have figured out a way to make normally super-straight Asian hair turn into an afro. Peep this.

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Apparently no one has figured out how to give a shape up yet. Any brother who has ever rocked an afro knows that the post pick-out “pat down” is the most crucial step.

Don’t think this dude is the only one. Check this:

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This dude looks like he might have gotten tricked into this. He thought he as going to get the Super Saiyan and ended up with the SuperFly. That look in his eyes is like, “This is some bullshit, Ilardo

Don’t worry ladies, they can hook you up too…

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She’s keeping it real right here. Looks like some old Lauryn Hill, first album type stuff here. Real bohemian.

Lake is going to want one of those any day now. In fact, he’ll probably try to grow it out long and make me cut my shit into a gumby so we can look like a fake Kid n Play.

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He can stop that dream right now.

-Brock

==============Update==============

Quietly I’ve always had a secret desire to hook up a legitimate white man jheri curl and now I can really do it. And no, one of those terrible Weird Al Yankovic/Don Imus specials won’t cut it. I need the real deal.

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Now all I gotta do is strap on my cleanest and meanest Bape butter gear, hitch a bird to Japan, get this fro procedure and then presto… I’m Deion, I’m MJ (yes, that MJ), I’m Lando Calrissian (meaning, a pretty muthafucker who aint good for shit, just how I like it), hell, I’m Pedro Martinez!!!! Now that would be HOT!

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Sheeyut, I’m already out of control. Can you imagine it? Lake with a legitimate curl? I’m already a complete and utter asshole on the edge of getting my tail kicked erryday, but this would just put me over the top. Lakey the King on steroids. All this love afforded a top shelf white cat like myself with an optional curl for kicks? Shoot, as soon as I get activated, I’ll be like Kanye on fools, “were you saying somfin, uh uhh, you can’t tell me nothin‘.”

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My only issue is whether I should get the dry or wet curl. I’d love to tell you that I’d keep it gangster with my Ice Cube inspired mane, but I’m just not sure I can mess up my $5,700 Lynx coat my nilla… And no I’m NOT sure if that pic above with the brother spraying himself with that wild can was the best idea given the ethnic composition of our staff here at UvT. Maybe I’ll call in sick tomorrow..AGAIN until things cool down. Fuck it, just with the possibility of a curl, I’m 150% more gangster than I used to be, I’ll be alright.  I may be pretty, but I aint no punk.

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Besides, being a cool white cat that’s close to the culture has it’s risks, but I already took the red pill. Can’t turn back now.

– Lake

Eliot “Money Pay” Spitzer Hit This

March 19, 2008

Dammit, is it just me or is this chick getting better looking with each released photo? I said it. Incidentally, click this link right HERE for the musical accompaniment to this post, Youz A Ho, Ludacris.

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Unless that fool in the back is hiding a G in his Jamz he needs to back up off the merchandise.

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Realistically, what would it have cost him to hit that night. You know she won’t whore in any old dump, so let’s say $350 for the highest end Jersey Shore Hotel. Then you add $200 the hotel would later add to his tab for those stolen minibar snacks and mini liquor bottles. I know, I know, a scrub like this wouldn’t even have a credit card to to put on hold for incidentals, I know, just humor him err me. You know that she’d mark up that cab ride, normally $10, to $50 and then $1,000 for the deed itself. Oh don’t worry, lubrication and condoms are included….What, you thought they wouldn’t be? Come on, she’s a professional.

So let’s summarize:

$ 350
$ 200
$ 50
$1000
____________
$1,600 Subtotal
$ 320 20% Standard Gratuity for Ho Activities

$1,920 Grand total

So there you have it. That’s what it would have taken for this clown to get some tail out of Kristin Ashley Rae Maika Alexandra Youmans Dupree DiPietro that night. Damn, you know a babe is shady when she’s got that many names. Meanwhile, I’ll put any amount of money on this chick having some D list boyfriend before summer starts. Publicity stunt no doubt, but it will make for some decent blogging. My guess right now is Steve-O from Jackass.

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Why not, right? Nobody cares what he does as is, it’s good for headlines and you know she knows how to satisfy…. Go get it brother.

– Lake