Joba the Nut: Yankees rookie reliever suspended 2 games for throwing at Youkilis

Not since Nick Nolte and Eddie Murphy went into that alley in China town looking for Billy Bear has there been this much buzz about a rough and tough Big Indian. But Joba Chamberlain appears to be the real thing. I fall more on the Red Sox side of the Yankees v. Red Sox rivalry, but I must give credit where credit is due to Joba.

I like when a young fella comes in there and mixes it up and that’s just what Joba did when he threw 99 MPH fastballs at Kevin Youkilis’ head, not once, but TWICE on Thursday. Joba said he didn’t do it on purpose but the umpire who tossed him and MLB disagreed and hit ole boy with a $1,000 fine and two game suspension on Friday.

Hey, nobody knows what Joba really did… Only he does. Either way, I like it. I just wish the AL pitchers had to step in and bat, then things would actually be equal. Yeah, the Sox could hit A Rod or Jeter, but that’s so cat. Somebody needs to hit Big Joba right in his big ole head with a 93 MPH heater…

That will wake his candy ass up. Overall, I like it though. Nice work J, take these two days, rest up and get ready for the home stretch.

-Lake

Is Noelia the Baddest Chick at UvT? YES!!!

Ok, there isn’t much going on in the news right now. So I’ll give my people what qualifies as news enough to me and that’s the fact that Puerto Rican pop sensation/sex tape super nova Noelia is still fine.

Truth be told, we need to give her some more shine on this site. So I’ll just go ahead and give you shots of Noelia in the Puerto Rican version of Maxim…

And if you haven’t peeped her aggressive sex tape, again, it can be found HERE… Me, I still haven’t watched it, of course. But rumor out here has it that even though he’s about to go to jail errr be on trial, after peeping it once aRa Kelly is trying to make that pee on you part three with Noelia starring as that main attraction.

Anyway, do yall remember when Smokey uttered that poignant observation to Craig about Nia Long?

“Ohhhhhh, her mama got ass too”

Well, I don’t know if her mama got ass (though from looking at N, she must) but her mom has to be the #1 cougar in all of Puerto Rico.. ¿No?

Hey, that’s a 57 year old woman right there chicos and let’s face it, most of these hot latinas got a shorter half life than an open box of Triscuits, so you know that was a fiiine woman… Come on now, don’t even act like you might not do it..Anyway, there’s no new news from Noelia. Nothing to report. She’s still fine and we still love her over here at UvT. Come on, is there a badder chick out there right now? I mean, for real, no matter who good they look, do they have tape to verify that the look in their eyes is real? Maaan, Jessica Simpson can’t hit…Nick already done told us their MTV show she wasn’t hittin it right, so all those sexy looks into the camera, please… Halle, she ruined everything with that damn Billy Bob Thorton nonsense, so now I don’t really think she can hit neither. With Noelia, you know when you see that look in her eye and then you see that arse that it’s an authentic look and an authentic arse and dammit, that used to mean something in America.

I’ll say it right now and I aint even consulted with my main mayne Brock Hardon, Noelia is officially the baddest chick at UvT, period.. book it!

-Lake

Ladies roundup: Good girls, bad girls

A few of you have emailed me about Rihanna and her alleged sexual relationship with Transformers star, Shia LeBeouf.

Well, my first statement is that if she was going to go YT, she should have gotten with the baddest white dude of all times….no not Justin Timberlake, ME, Lakey the Don!!! Anyway and let me just say that I’ve always thought Rihanna was with white dudes. Just look and I’ve said this before, SHE CAN’T DANCE. That certainly is some white folks stuff. Whatev, do what you want to do is all I can say. If you want to enjoy a Hollywood lifestyle, you gotta sample the Hollywood white man. “You go gurl” ahnt.

The next order of business is Ciara. Hey, I’ve always thought she was fine, but I usually end up looking more at her background dancers than her. Unlike Rihanna, Ci Ci can shake a leg (and a tail), but something about her just never really clicked for me. I don’t know, maybe it was the Lil Bow Wow affiliation. Well, anyway, those reservations ended when I saw this picture the ‘nother day.

Wow, very impressive. Particularly in her “lower register”.. I can’t lie, seeing this pic forced me to look a bit closer at the rest of her.

Oh yes, that wig piece is looking just about right. Hey, I’m a hair dude and enjoy some purty hair. I realize that it’s unrealistic for celebrities and entertainers to go without weave, but I still appreciate that her hair looks good. I’m feeling this. One more…

Oh damn, Ciara and Eve… hmm, Eve looks pretty good next to Ci Ci, looking all legit and dignified. I gotta hand it to Eve, she’s really cleaned herself up and is a far cry from some of her thug chicken female rapper counterparts like Remy Ma and Foxy Brown. Not only that, but Eve was a stripper back in the day and thus, has the sex tape (which I’m told you can see right HERE) and the lesbian shots on stage (NOT SAFE FOR WORK) to prove it.

Finally we come to the good girls (or so we think), Vanessa and Angela Simmons from Run’s House fame. Ok, I like these girls, but I have a few questions and comments. Question, is Vanessa always going to use that exact same pose, with that exact same face for the rest of her modeling/acting and probably one day singing/rapping career? Dear, you’re a beautiful girl and seemingly cool… I enjoy the show. Expand your game though. And Angela. Again, cool girl and I love her, but that belly simply aint looking right in this pic and if that’s your real haircut, I’ll reverse myself from above and state that you should go out not now, but RIGHT NOW,get a weave and put it into action!!!

Finally and I won’t spend too much of my time on this, but I’ll just say, I don’t know exactly what Bill Clinton is looking at in this picture, but I’m fairly certain that Jesse Jackson is getting that oh so perfect, sittin on high, lookin down lo, side view angle on Oprah’s tailpiece.

I mean, any dude with  a modicum of appreciation for the female anatomy, especially the backside, understands what Jesse is doing right there and yes, it’s hilarious!!!

– Lake

Senator Larry Craig about to come out?

Of the Senate that is… Fellow hypocrites and moralizers within the Republican party are calling for his resignation.

He just stepped down from his committee assignments amid controversy surrounding his solicitation of a sex act from an undercover officer in a Minneapolis Airport bathrooom and word has it from our UvT Miami bureau that he’s currently walking down Know Your Role Boulevard, will soon be taking a Left at Jabroni Drive where he’ll see and promptly check his candy ass di-rect-itally into the SMACKDOWN HOTEL!!!! Good riddance.

And please, stop saying you aren’t gay, because everyone knows better.  Come on dude, we know you did it, just admit it. Besides, I’ love to hear another one of those “Gay American” speeches like the one Gov. Jim McGreevey gave. That was hot!

I’m like Jay Z…”Bring em out, bring em out, it’s hard to promulgate anti-gay legislation with a dizzick in your mouth”.

And den what?

-Lake

Leona Helmsley makes it rain on a beeyatch…

No question, while Pacman Jones and Pretty Boy Floyd Mayweather have been shown to possess a capacity to Make it Rain on dem hizzoes, nobody has yet come close to making it rain on a bitch like the late Leona Helmsley just did.

Indeed, Leona Helmsley left her beloved white Maltese, named Trouble, a $12 million trust fund, which was made public Tuesday in surrogate court.

She also left millions for her brother, Alvin Rosenthal, who was named to care for Trouble in her absence, as well as two of four grandchildren from her late son Jay Panzirer — so long as they visit their father’s grave site once each calendar year. Oh, oh, this just in, Leona’s brother Alvin just kicked the shit out of Trouble….

Leona also left a few millions here and there for various children, grandchildren and the like (and even iced out a couple), but NOBODY made out like Trouble who she asked to have entombed with her upon T’s untimely death. Damn… I wonder what Donald Trump will do when he dies… Oh, that cat will definitely be chipping some cheddar off to a bunch of b*tches and I aint talking Maltese neither.

– Lake Luciano

Mel B. watch: The hottest baby mama ever

Dude, is it me or did Mel B. just push Eddie’s baby out 4 and 1/2 months ago?

Since that time she has called him out, got Maury Povich to verify that Eddie IS THE FATHER, got her $$$ from Eddie on the suit tip and supposedly got married to some Bison Dele dude who she had been dating for 4 months.

I guess when you’ve got all this dough and great genetics, you can afford to spend the time to look like she does. But my word, how in the hell does she do it. And I just saw that she’s got an older daughter too?

Two kids, one a few months ago and she bounced back like that? I can see why Eddie was all over it.. Man.

Big Brother 8: What wrong with America’s player?

Big Brother 9 has started!!! Check our new post out HERE! 

OK, it’s pretty easy to joke Eric aka America’s player on Big Brother 8.

(let’s just start with the people’s eyebrow)

After all, he’s goes out of his way to show you that he’s “just a 5 foot 7 inch Jewish boy” whatever that means… I guess it means something to Amber though, but I’ll leave the anti-semitism out of this post. At any rate, this dude Eric, no matter what you think about his “game play” has a golden opportunity to get at a chick who is waaaaay above his pay grade.

(it’s all about the hip)

Say what you want about Jessica, but she’s got some tools. I’m sure she’s got the bottle blond hair and the enhanced chest piece, but you can’t fake that aerobicized body and easy going personality.. and did I mention that body?

I mean, homey has already told us he’s got no game and I’ve watched him, he’s right. Dude looks like he’s about to giggle and ask for a cookie when he should be getting in there, closing the deal on some nookie. I mean, they’re stuck in a house for goodness sake. It’s got that “if you were the last man on earth” feel to it and he IS the last man and he knows this chick is down. What’s he waiting for? Crazy.

And no that terrible “America’s kiss” does not count, neither did that one kiss he did before that. He’s got to get in there while the getting it good.

– Lake

==============UPDATE=============

Check out our Big Brother 9 Post right HERE 

“USA-USA-USA” – USA Basketball back on top?

Kobe, LeBron, Melo, Dwight, this is why they’re hot.

Listen, I know it’s relatively inferior competition, but you just have to love what the USA is showing us at the FIBA Americas Championship tournament in Las Vegas. Just like last summer, Carmelo is showing us why he’s one of the most complete players in the whole world.

Homey is simply unstoppable, point blank. I mean, if you try to man him up with pressure D, he can put it on the floor and slash to the rim. If you try to lay off him, he’ll J you with that killer jumper. If you try to body him, he’s got that killer baseline turnaround game and when he’s really on his game, he’s a highly proficient rebounder, garbage bucket guy. He’s truly the perfect weapon. The only thing about him I don’t like is his seemingly mental midget status with that “stop snitchin” foolishness and of course, his random choice in lady.. La La.. don’t get me wrong, La La is cool..just too old for a cat who has no business being married before he’s 38. At any rate, Melo.. we here at UvT sports salute you.

LeBron has been LeBron, he’s dominating. He’s ubiquitous. He just muscles cats with that overly physical brand of play.

I mean, he really is that King James cat. The crazy thing about LeBron is how much better he could be. His jumper is anything but consistent, he rarely uses his left hand and his D leaves plenty to be desired. Still, you gotta love what LeBron has done for Team USA.

Finally, the man who has made it all come together is Kobe. I mean, what can you say about Kobe Bryant that hasn’t already been said about . It’s just the best of the best.

He brings crazy talent, work ethic, a jumper, killer D, swagger, attitude, I mean, dude is the best player in the world and it shows out there. Kobe just has that next gear that other cats don’t have. Honestly, I don’t see a need for Dwayne Wade when you have a Kobe out there who can score, pass it, and defend them. He threw a hot alley op to LeBron James in the first half of the Puerto Rico game. Unbelievable.

Look, Dream Team these guys are not… and the international quality of play has increased exponentially. But I can honestly say with this team, USA has a good a chance as ever and should be a prohibitive favorite to bring home that Gold Medal in Beijing. Nice work fellas… Good lookin Coach K.

More than a courtesy flush: GOP Senator Larry Craig propositions an undercover cop

Wow… Here we go again.

Tell me if you’ve heard this story before. Dude is a freak and loves to get his homo erotic freak on. Dude is intelligent and charismatic. At some point, dude recognizes that his freakiness isn’t appreciated, but his charisma is and so he rails against what he loves most (getting his public and private homosexual freak on) to manipulate the naive and the idiotic alike and improve his station in life. I mean, that’s like the story of life, right? I mean, I’m an educated man and while I haven’t brushed up on my Hawthorne in a while, if my memory serves me that was the basic premise behind The Scarlet Letter with the town hizzo getting ostracized under the leadership of the right reverend — meanwhile, he’s the cat who had been hitting it all along and the one who ultimately fathered her baby out of wedlock. It’s classic.

(“Senator, I’d be remiss if I didn’t say, you lookin mighty cute in them jeans”)

Same goes for this clown Republican Senator Larry Craig from the cosmopolitan, forward-thinking state of Idaho (I wonder why he had to lie about being gay in Idaho). Right, this cat has been against every gay bill you can find; including bills concerning gay marriage, but also bills against hate crimes perpetrated against gays because they are gay. Interestingly, dude was for “Don’t ask, don’t tell”… hmmm, I wonder why.

Anyway, off to the meat of the story. Back in October of 2006, a gay blogger was outing closeted gay congressmen who talked tough about gay issues as a moral imperative while quietly getting their gay freak on behind closed doors. At that time, Larry Craig was outed as one of those people. The blogger claimed to know of four men who admitted to having gay sex with Craig. Not too surprisingly, Mr. Craig immediately said that he wasn’t gay, calling the accusations “laughable” (who’s laughing now beeyatch). In addition, in the past there have been allegations that Craig has had inappropriate gay activity with congressional pages, an allegation he also flatly denied.

Now, look, he’s got all that background story and it comes out today that Craig was arrested and charged with various crimes associated with cruising for cack in a Minneapolis airport bathroom that just happened to be the focus of a sting investigation for public gay male sex. According to an undercover law enforcement officer Senator Craig was blocking his stall with a suit case, a sure sign in his experience, that he was up to something that he didn’t want to be seen from the front of the stall.

(at least he took a classy mugshot)

According to the cop, Senator Craig entered the stall and started using some wild hand movements which I guess in the officer’s experience is the international signal cruising gays use to hook up in some bathrooms. The officer said that Larry Craig was running his hand under the stall AND tapping his foot into his stall area, as well as, looking at him “through the crack” and making gestures with his hands. When asked why he did that with his foot, Mr. Craig said he had a wide leg stance when using the bathroom which often landed his foot into the surrounding stalls. As for the gestures, he said that the officer just misunderstood him. Riiight, it’s that, it can’t just be the fact that:

Now, look, I’m pretty much about as far as it goes toward not being gay, so maybe I don’t know. But in my world, when a man puts his hand under the stall or taps his foot over in my area of the stall, the next thing that happens is a stern “what the fu*ck are you doing?”, followed by some slow singing and flower bringing if the fool doesn’t knock it off. But maybe that’s just me. And though I haven’t seen everything, I’ve never found a need to reach my pristine hand up under some grimy, nasty, piss and shat infested bathroom stall for ANYTHING or tap my foot unless I was tip tappin’ my ass up out of that nasty hell hole as fast as I could.

Can I ask a question, what’s with the gay sex in public bathrooms? Remember it was that gay and racist Florida Republican, Bob Allen, trying to give some head to an undercover in a park bathroom, now this cat trying to get some cack in a Minneapolis airport bathroom?…. Excuse me for asking an obvious question, but is there any place on this earth nastier than a bathroom stall in the airport? How often do they clean those things, what like once a month? I just don’t get it. Oh and how good do all these gay bathroom sex revelations make you guys feel about when you have to take that public that leak at the urinal?

It’s already about the last place you want to be pulling out your junk at, but now you really do have to wonder if that shady cat next to you is looking at your stuff, or worst yet, trying to pick up some Senator Craig inspired morris code foot tappities that say “let’s go in this piss and shat infested stall and get our durty freak on”!!!! Yuck! Of course Senator Craig called a press conference (tell tale sign you’re probably gay is when you have to call a press conference to say you’re not gay, save for Mike Piazza of course) to say 1. He’s not gay (yeah right) and 2. he should not have plead guilty to a lesser charge. Riiight, what you should have done instead is gone to trial so you could explain what all that wild foot tapping and hand signaling in a location known for random gay sex was for. That would have been easy to explain to the wife piece:

Senator Craig: Heeeey, I gotta go up to Minnesota on some ahem official bitniz, I’ll be back

Mrs. Craig: Are you flying into Minneapolis?

Senator Craig: Hell no b*tch, I mean, no honey, I’m paying in cash and riding a damn Amtrak so nobody can see my gay arse en route errr like a true American, I gotta stay in touch with the people

Mrs. Craig: But that’s not in your jurisdiction, you going up there to mess with those mens again?

Senator Craig: Noooooo, noooo, not me. I’ve never had sex with a man.. Oh no, freedom is on the march up there and I gotta just lay my moral hands on someone before they go ahem astray, PEACE

I’ve spent far too long on this post. I’m sorry, but these hypocrites with all the moralizing, it’s just a joke. I don’t believe nan one of them. Not nan.

-Lake

The south shall rise again….?

Not if Caitlin Upton aka Ms. South Carolina is representative of that state’s best (or even prettiest). Check out how she represented her state in the Miss Teen USA competition when she was asked a question about geography.

Ummm, perhaps if the good people of South Carolina spent more time teaching their children and less time stitching and raising the confederate flag, they’d be better off.

Wow….Maybe we should just invade them…AGAIN…put freedom back on the march and then we all wouldn’t have to put up with stuff like this. Nice work, South Carolina forget the Bible belt, yall need the dictionary belt…geography belt, hell, literacy belt. oh, wait wait wait a second, it seems Caitlin is also a model. No commentary from me about the appearance of this Teen in the USA, but umm, these are interesting..

She is cute, I can’t lie..

I take it back, Caitlin is a great American, I applaud her.

Out.

– Lake