Commercials on My Satellite Radio? Wait…I Pay For This!

I was listening to some classic black comedy on Foxxhole on my trusty satellite radio in my luxury whip when the weirdest thing happened. The only thing that was getting played was commercial after commercial. Not commercials for other channels, or for other shows on this channel, I’m talking legal services and Bose radios. Real full on commercials.

What’s the big deal you say? First of all, if you google search these assholes, the first thing you see is their tagline “100% commercial free music”. That is literally their #1 claim. Apparently no longer true.

Second, it is a subscription service. Commercials are there so the stations can make money. People pay to have access to their listeners. Well I’m paying for it so they need to cut that shit out. This is double dipping, plain and simple. If I’m paying you, and they are paying you, something ain’t right. I don’t like paying for the privledge of being sold to. When I watch HBO I don’t see commercials unless it is for something I might want to see next.

What’s next? Movies that stop in the middle so they can show one of those terrible viva viagra commercials? You going to build commercials into blank CD’s so they interrupt my personal mixtapes?

I’m just saying, It ain’t right.

Rant over.

-Brock

Eliot “Money Pay” Spitzer Hit This

Dammit, is it just me or is this chick getting better looking with each released photo? I said it. Incidentally, click this link right HERE for the musical accompaniment to this post, Youz A Ho, Ludacris.

Unless that fool in the back is hiding a G in his Jamz he needs to back up off the merchandise.

Realistically, what would it have cost him to hit that night. You know she won’t whore in any old dump, so let’s say $350 for the highest end Jersey Shore Hotel. Then you add $200 the hotel would later add to his tab for those stolen minibar snacks and mini liquor bottles. I know, I know, a scrub like this wouldn’t even have a credit card to to put on hold for incidentals, I know, just humor him err me. You know that she’d mark up that cab ride, normally $10, to $50 and then $1,000 for the deed itself. Oh don’t worry, lubrication and condoms are included….What, you thought they wouldn’t be? Come on, she’s a professional.

So let’s summarize:

$ 350

$ 200

$ 50

$1000

____________

$1,600 Subtotal

$ 320 20% Standard Gratuity for Ho Activities

$1,920 Grand total

So there you have it. That’s what it would have taken for this clown to get some tail out of Kristin Ashley Rae Maika Alexandra Youmans Dupree DiPietro that night. Damn, you know a babe is shady when she’s got that many names. Meanwhile, I’ll put any amount of money on this chick having some D list boyfriend before summer starts. Publicity stunt no doubt, but it will make for some decent blogging. My guess right now is Steve-O from Jackass.

Why not, right? Nobody cares what he does as is, it’s good for headlines and you know she knows how to satisfy…. Go get it brother.

– Lake

Photos of Elliot Spitzer’s Alleged ‘Tutes

These are a few shots of the babes Easy E allegedly banged out for upwards of 5 stacks!!! Yo, I still can’t get over that. Anyway, you tell me how much these hoes are worth.

Normally I’d say that with hoes, it’s like strippers, it’s just all about the body, but if you’re dropping 5 stacks, she better be tight from head to pink toe. Sorry, but this chick doesn’t quite make the grade. If I’m Elliot I’d hit her with a couple Arby’s gift certificates and a Baby Phat sweat suit en route to the ass tappities. No dough.

Hmmmm, I feel like Randy Jackson from last night’s Idol episode. This just isn’t doing it for me. I mean, I’m seeing absolutely nothing that screams “Make it Rain on this hoe”.. I know “Client 9” allegedly banged out an “attractive brunette” but I hope homey didn’t lose it all over this broad. Next.

Damn, this babe is bangin like a Greg Paulus 3 pointer. I’m not a proponent of pay for play Elliot style, but if you’re gonna pay for it, do it right. And this babe aint a bad start. Those lips are great, hair looks real and the overall face is very decent. I fear that there’s limited to negative ass behind those jeans, but hey, that J to waist ratio is looking very right. All I can hope is that she dyed her hair or rocked a wig while Spitz shat away his career. I mean, if you’re going to lose it all over a hoe, might as well get your money’s worth. Do I lie?

– Lake

Stupidity Defined: Ralph Nader is running for President…AGAIN

Can some of you Green Party kooks tell me why this idiot Ralph Nader is running for President again?

Does this guy want the Republicans to win that badly? I mean, what, does Nader sit around and think of different ways he can undermine his own stated political objectives?

“I know, why don’t we espouse a set of progressive policies, but instead of joining the side that is more sympathetic to our objectives, we’ll steal votes from them so that the group who couldn’t care less about the environment or anything else we say will win the White House, thus shitting on every single thing we strive for and believe in.”

Hell, that logic sounds eerily similar to George Bush’s plan for the War in Iraq. Maybe it’s true what they say. Maybe Nader really is just a pawn of the Republican party.

Hey, intentional or not, he certainly acts like one. Let me tell you this, if you’re a member of the Green Party who actually votes for the “Green” candidate, then you’re an asshole and an idiot. Hell, your smoldering stupidity is burning a second hole in the Ozone layer. Smarten up! But for you clowns, we never would have had to deal with The Worst President Ever!

And no, I will never forgive these fools for 8 years of “Dubyah” at the helm.

As for Nader himself, he’s completely useless to me. Actually, I’m lying a bit. I can’t lie, I almost joined the Green Party after I watched this hilarious interview he had with Ali G.

LOL.. Nader handled himself admirably there. Ha.. That was good stuff. Oh yes, I’d follow that man all the way to the Green errr White House. ahnt.

– Lake

When Keeping it Real Goes Right

It’s holiday time here at Us Versus Them, and Brock thought it was time to give the interns some love.  Lake likes to employ white frat boys and white chicks of questionable morality and a penchant for selecting outfits that leave little to the imagination.  Well, when I spend my money, I do it my way.  So when I went to my favorite store to get some giftcards this is what I ended up with.

That’s right.  Everyone is getting Best Buy Kwanzaa gift cards.  Fitzy, Kens, Mags, Angel, Amie, all of em.  Black history is American history people.

Seriously though, I couldn’t pass these up.  Of course there was a big stack of these.  I have a feeling Best Buy is going to have a high inventory of Kwanzaa cards going into 2008.  Do you see the interpretational kufi’s those people are rocking on the card?

Enjoy bitches, buy a CD on Brock.  That’s right a CD.  Interns gotta earn their stripes.  And no Angel, not the way Lake told you.  I’ll see you at the Christmas party though.

-Brock

Man Pronounced Dead: Dead Nice at Spending that Paper!

I don’t know if this is in the stupid criminal hall of fame or the evil genius hall of fame, but I’ll let you, the UvT masses, decide.

John Darwin, a 57 year old British man, disappeared at sea in a canoe incident five years ago and was declared dead. His wife, Anne Darwin, cashed out the insurance policy and sold the family home for about $820,000. Their two sons mourned, Anne finally seemed to find happiness as she moved to Panama to spend her twilight years. Sounds like a tragic story, right…until my man Johnny D showed back up last week!

I guess my man couldn’t take it anymore and decided he was going to head on over to the police station and say he had amnesia and didn’t know who he was. I guess that is a solid plan for reintroduction into society. Amnesia probably wouldn’t have stopped the insurance company from coming back to get their money (with interest), but he may have been able to slip through the cracks and work his way back into the flow. That was until this showed up:

I guess John and Anne closed on a Panama condo in 2006 and thought it was a good idea to jump in a few photos with their realtor. Huh? If I’m playing dead, I’m not getting my happy homeowner on. In fact, I’m pulling a Cameron Diaz and breaking the camera. I mean those cats are chillin’ like their on vacation. Really enjoyin’ down there in Panama. This cat must have come back to England so he didn’t get thrown up into Sona with Michael Scofield. He was probably watching a few episodes of Prison Break like, oh hell no. I’m not going out like that.

So guess what, this dude’s sons are pissed. They think Dad is dead while their parents are kicking it in Panama. Yeah, that’s not right. Mom knew the whole time as well. I guess Anne broke down in tears when she saw the photo.

Look if you are going to fake your own death, you need to stay dead. No peeking!

If you are going to defraud an insurance company, shouldn’t you start with something easy just to figure out if you can keep a secret? How about wrecking your own car and seeing if you can get the money out of it? Or maybe burn a house down and try to get the insurance money? Do you go for the full kill yourself and spend your own money move first? I guess if you are going to do it, go for all of it. But you’ve got to be able to sip pina coladas on your back patio in Panama, eating in, and watching movies on Netflix (under a pseudonym) for the rest of your life.

I’d need a lot more that one Million to give that a shot though.

Darwin awards are given to people so stupid that they kill themselves, letting natural selection work itself out. So this guy only fake died, does that make him ineligible for the award? He sounds pretty stupid to me.

-Brock

Oops he did it again: Worst President EVER!

Is anyone shocked that Dubyah with his “Git er dun” approach to foriegn policy and intelligence gathering, would get yet ANOTHER claim of weapons capability wrong?

I mean, honestly, would you trust this cat to run your summer lemonade stand? But yet yall voted for the fool…TWICE. At any rate, add this to his list of blunders that have made the United States look ridiculous and yes, if you’re scoring at home Iran continues to get over on the US. I mean, who do they have running that ship over there, Jim Tressel?

Meanwhile, what is this, like the 3rd or 4th time the Iranian President, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, got the best of good ole W? Nice work, now he’s claiming victory over the US. People keep saying he’s crazy, he aint crazy, he just knows who he’s dealing with.

Now you see why our so called sworn enemy is walking around NYC, running some smack at Columbia, trying to go see ground zero for a photo op, and continuously rocking that wild members only inspired jacket piece with that cheschire cat grin on his face.

As always, great work by W, his band of flunkies and the entire GOP membership that let them all get away with it.

– Lake

Supporting the Stereotype: Brawling in a Wisconsin K-Mart

Oh this is nice. Apparently KMart was giving away a free $10 gift certificate to anyone who got approved for a KMart credit card on Black Friday. Well, their computers glitched and was giving everyone who applied a $4000 credit limit instantly. In Wisconsin this passes for “free money” and people jumped on the phones to let everyone know. Before you knew it, housewives were scrapping out front and jumping over cash registers to get their shot at the “free” cash.

I guess a riot broke out.

A few things. First of all, anyone who thinks a credit card is “free” money need to check their credit report. See that number in the 500’s over there? That means a few things. It means that you get killed for having KMart Cards, Sears Cards, Best Buy Mastercards, Gap cards all that bullshit. It means that I pay the same amount to lease my Mercedes Benz GL 450 that you pay for your Honda Civic. It means that if you want to buy a house like mine I pay 15% less than you would.

Oh yeah, and the big thing? They are going to want that money back. If you don’t pay it back in the first month…and let me got out on a limb here…people who get on the horn to tell people that KMart is giving out free money as $4,000 credit cards probably aren’t great candidates for paying all of that off come January 1, you will probably get hit with that good 18-25% interest rate. Turning that $4,000 into $10,000 quicker than you think.

Is Kmart even still a legitimate store? Let’s look at the landscape here. Target is the upscale store, Wal-Mart is the store with the best prices…that leaves K-Mart as the big room of cheap shit store. Blue Light specials? What the hell is that? I know people don’t like it when you stereotype their state. But honestly, do you think this same thing happens in a major metropolitan area? A riot over K-Mart cards? Hell no.

How about this as a consolation prize. Your hoops squad just got drug by Duke on National TV. How did you like that?

-Brock

Wrestlemania 25: Hulk Hogan Vs. The Million Dollar Woman

Daaaaaamn. Now this just ain’t right. Hulk Hogan’s wife rolled out to California a few weeks ago and drops divorce papers on the Hulkster from afar.

Is that like a steel chair attack? What else can Hogan take right now? He son is looking to be heading to jail for street racing that ended up in a manslaughter charge. His daughter dresses like this:

I don’t even need to put her in the UvT lab to analyze whether she is tight or not. That is just a big chick right there, no two ways about that. Unless they airbrush her up.

How is this divorce going to work out? She wants a share of their millions of dollars worth of property and child support for their son. Does Hulk get to have those terrible obviously fake J’s back?

I already know what’s going to happen at the trial. I’ve seen it a million times.

Hulkster walks into the court with his yellow tank top on. When the judge asks him for his opening statement, he just stands up and does this:

Hogan starts off strong. Throwing lefts and rights. Body slam here, atomic drop there. But Linda rallys back. Child support, the house in Miami, the car collection, the master tapes of Thunder in Paradise. Hogan looks like he’s done for. He snaps back up shakes his head and gives her the point.

That is when Linda is in trouble. We all know what comes next.

Big boot:

Leg drop:

Cue up “I am a real American”

Linda doesn’t have a chance.

-Brock

Tiger Woods Whoops Ass For Cash

And he does it almost every weekend.

Tiger won the Fed Ex Cup this past weekend.  As part of the Fed Ex Cup, he locked up the $10 Million prize long about Friday afternoon once he outclassed the field.  What does that feel like?  To know you’ve got the $10 long stacks covered, and you are just trying to lock in that last $1.26M.

Now he hits the off season to smooth out with the new kid, the nordic wife and that weird dog until he does it again in 2008.

Lake, is there another sport out there you’d like the brothers to take over next?  I think we’ve got this one covered.  Curling?  Strongman?  What’s left?

 -Brock