You ready B?

I’m not much of a crotch shot guy. You won’t see the south of Paris or Britney’s open-faced roast beef sandwhich or even Lindsay’s fire starter on this blog. It’s just not where it’s at. It’s not who we are. With that said, if she wants to keep her naked ass off this blog, Beyonce is going to have to learn to keep her damn clothes on (not that I’m complaining).

Big girls gone good. This is an aside, but we all know that big chick with the cute face and the solid core body frame that just needs to lose a clean 25-38 pounds to live gloriously. Well, B is that chick. She’s done it. Look at that perfect melding of the strong, fit core with the thick laid over the top perfectly. Pretty impressive. Back to what I was saying, young B has had a rash of illicit body part sightings. First it was the NSFW, ‘ready when you are B’, dip it low, pick it up slow, baby maker faux pas. Now this:

My bad, I meant, this:

Hey, you gotta respect the au natural J game, but why can’t we apply those same principles to that wig piece? She’s gotta have enough under there to just kick it on vacay, no? What about this joint?

I own, know, whoever that little rug rat is Jay seems to be enjoying his company thoroughly (more even than the company of that exposed nipple-breast combo he’s got to his immediate right), but B doesn’t seem to share his enthusiasm. If I had to put my money down, I’d say we’re looking at the back of Joseph Camel Jr. Jr.?

Probably. Much respect to the first family of hip hop though. Now hurry up and get that marriage done so my man Brock can run the over-under numbers on the divorce date.

– Hatin’ Lake (why must I hate on these two?)

Paris Hilton Reconsidered: New Evidence

I know we’ve already questioned Paris Hilton and the very nature of her celebrity. We’ve asked if she was still hot, why she is famous, and how she keeps popping up in the news. We all know she really got famous once that sex tape hit the internet, and I don’t think anyone can even look at Paris Hilton without thinking of that room washed in the glow of night vision with those raccoon eyes staring back at you while getting bucked by old boy.

Tell me I’m wrong.

Anyway, here is my problem with Paris. I know she’s not hot, she’s definitely not my type (body type that is, she’s definitely a freak and down for whatever, that in fact is my type) But then she breaks something like this out:

Not I know she is physically airbrushed, then digitally airbrushed, then they obviously dropped her in the middle of some photoshop stock backdrops. This is the teaser ad for her new champagne, Rich Prosecco. Dammit I know it ain’t right, but once again once you’ve seen a chick get banged out, a picture of her butt naked with a look of ecstasy on her face makes this picture worth more than a thousand words.

I still don’t think she is UvT quality, but I appreciate the fact that she is stepping her game up.

In the battle of the body paint, I’m still going to have to go with Rihanna.

Silky smooth right there.

-Brock

Is Paris Hilton still hot?

Or better put, was she ever? I’m not a big Paris guy and never really have been. I can’t lie, I’m turned on by her money, but there’s really nothing else aside from the dough that I couldn’t pick up in just about any local club, Walmart or trailer park.

Hell or maybe one that looks a little bit better, like ole girl above.  Shoot, I can’t lie, I kinda like the fit and feel of Fake Paris in this canary number.  Let’s not fool ourselves though, shit can definitely get worse when civilians try to do what Paris does:

Whatever the case, the babe is just uninspiring and just imagine how irrelevant she’ll be when she’s, say, 30. Anyway, her process of irrelevancy might be accelerating with these recent pics of her improperly working this stripper pole.

Boring. This too.

Trash. Come on now, bend ova to the front, touch ya toes, girl! There’s nothing worse in the world than a bad freak or underachieving hoe.

Get your game tight babe. I’m just done. This chick needs to have a baby, get married and divorced, go into rehab or go back to jail because whatever she’s giving me now just isn’t very interesting. Now I can’t lie. Her antics in that sex tape, that was interesting (NSFW).

I mean, did yall see how that cat Rick Solomon was just putting it on her? I mean, really telling her what to do, what he wanted, what she was gonna do… Really letting her have it and getting his silver polished the whole way. Now see, because of my respect for women, normally I wouldn’t ever post something like this. But we all know Paris put that tape out on purpose, so let’s just keep the party going.

Damn Rick, you didn’t have to get so gangster with it homey….Either Rick is a pimp, after all he bagged Pam Anderson too, or Paris is a silly chick with a famous name, tons of jack and a few prescription pills to keep everyone honest.. Either way, I’m ready for the next phase or at least the next sex tape. Hop to it.

– Lake

Noelia’s sex tape: Mission Accomplished

Attention: Don’t forget to check out our Noelia posts part one and part two for background.

(clearly this shot of her was pre unnatural female enhancement, still sexy though)

Ok, to say we were duped would be a bit much here, because everyone pretty much saw this one coming. Indeed, it’s quite clear now that Noelia, after seeing the success of no talents like Pamela Anderson, Paris Hilton (Not safe for work), and Kim Kardashian blast off into American media stardom, released that sex tape to help kick off her her career in the US.

Hey, I aint mad at you mami. Do your thing. But the idea that the sex tape just miraculously appeared juuust before you start work on your first English speaking album is kind of a joke. And it looks like it paid off too. Look at this youtube for Noelia, which to date has over half a million viewers!!!

(she does look kinda good in that dress though)

Anyway, I must admit, pre sex tape I would have given a Noelia song about 5 seconds before I turned the channel (which not so coincidentally corresponds with the length of time I give ANY Telemundo or Univision program now), now she may get a solid 40 seconds out of me if her video appeared on MTV. It’s clear what she should do next though. Get Wyclef to hit errrr give her some Shakira knock off song. Then hook her up with some Scott Storch (“great scott!”) formatted joint. Maybe throw in some kind of duet with some grubby little R&B cat, hmmm, oh yes, Lloyd, Ne-yo or Bobby Valentino will do. Then put her onto some big ballad and then fill the rest of the album up with rump shaking and gratuitous spanish themed sex references. Done deal, right?

(after watching that sex tape right HERE, we now know why Mickey has that perpetual smile and we can certainly understand why the fish’s eyes are nearly popping out of his head)

Hey, this route worked for Kim Kardashian who has some reality show coming out (yawn), so it should work pretty well for this babe who ostensibly has some real talent.

The strategy did not work, however, for total no talent “Toastee” from Flavor of Love 2 an Charm School fame..

And if you think I just put this line of discussion in so that I could get this absurd picture of toastee and this terrible bald cat on the blog (yes, she has a sex tape too), you’d be absolutely right. LOL. Hilarious. Look at that cat, he’s turning red!!! Freaky stuff.

– lake

It’s funny how money change a situ-a-STOP IT’S THE MUTHAF#CKIN’ REMIX!!!

Paris back to the clink! Wow.

Our exclusive U v. T reporters on the scene said they heard Paree screaming, “whyyyy, it’s not faaaaaaair” and several expletives not suitable for a high minded news organization like ours to repeat. Let’s just say that it was ugly.. Lauryn Hill said it best:

“You might win some, but you really lost one!!! What a dumb dumb”

———————-

***UPDATE***

Paris is being ordered to serve the FULL 45 day sentence, not the reduced twenty something that she was supposed to serve as of last week. I guess she will be missing Diddy’s White Party on the Hamptons as well as Brock’s 4th of July Barbeque out on my back porch. Why can’t these rich people hire drivers? Lohan gets busted for DUI and Paris violates probation with the same. Paree…you cut with a little more enthusiasm than Kimmy K, so I will offer my expert driving services once you get out.

Watch out for that phone check!

-Brock

Paris Hilton Saga: Funny how money change a situ-a-shawn!!!

Yo, this is barely worth my time. Again, it’s like Pac said on Hit em Up… “I don’t even know why I’m on this track” but I just had to make a small comment on this Paris foolishness that’s got the media in a frenzy.

(By the way, those CANNOT be her real breasts)

I guess the superhead act-a-like Paree got out of jail after 72 hours for “a medical condition” on the say so of the H.Y.T.I.C. Sherrif Lee Baca of the Los Angeles County Sherrif’s Department.

Lee, come on dude. What the hell were you thinking? First of all, this is a public relations nightmare for you. Second, we all know you cops out in LA have no damn sense, see Rodney Kang, the LA Riots, what yall did to all those Latinos and the press recently and even the way you tried to set up our man OJ (not guilty!!!!)… You guys are straight up clowns. I get it, you had to whoop Rodney King’s ass, but Paree can leave jail 42 days early just because she’s shook? Everyone in jail is crazy.. Haven’t you ever watched Oz? It’s JAIL.. that’s the point.

Come on now, the next time I’m draped in my LA County blues, I’ll just call up my “doctor” and get a get out of jail free note because my crazy is acting up. Do you really think the Hiltons, multi-millionaires can’t produce a quack to spring their girl out of the clink? And you fell for that? Sheriff Baca, in honor of your monumental stupidity, I’ve decided to print up these shirts and sell them on Ebay for $39.95, tell me what you think…

Paris draped in her county blues…

More evidence that there is a Divine mover of all things in this world, an energy. Call it what you want, Karma, Chi, Gua, finding your Inner Child, your Outer Pimp…all that stuff. As one door closes, another opens. Indeed, in an effort to keep media attention down young Paree hit the LA County Jail late last night. Peep her mug shot here.

At the same time, Britney continues to roar back, crossing all the T’s and dotting all the I’s and looking fantabulous in this pretty pank thong piece.

How does she manage to slim it down while simultaneously thicken it up? Heck, how does LeBron do what he does, who knows? Some people just got it. Brit may have a fade and that FedEx stain will probably never wash out, but you gotta hand it to the girl.. she’s come a loooooooooong way.

Never forget….