Yawn: The Worst MTV Video Music Awards Ever

Disclaimer:  Since this was the worst MTV VMAs I’ve ever seen, this is perhaps equally the worst post I’ve ever written.  And I’ll tell you why.  It’s really hard to write about something that is so boring, so terrible, just so damn wack.  I mean, it brings you down.  I tried to put a few decent observations, but honestly, this Z minus level show basically ruined my week.  But I wrote it live, so I feel compelled to post.  So here it goes, I can’t vouch for any of it.

So I was hoodwinked into watching these VMAs with the lady with the idea that I would get a chance to see a solid Britney Spears train wreck part deux.  Need I remind you of last year’s showing?

I mean, the cats kept hitting us with that “Britney is opening the VMAs” rhetoric, so I thought I’d be getting something I wanted.  But when they show opened up, it was literally just her walking in, taking her place at the podium and delivering one of the more uninspiring “welcome speeches” I’ve ever heard in my life.  I should have known at that very moment to turn the TV off and walk away.  Surprise, I didn’t.

Damn, on a positive note, is that old school, 2001 Britney?  Damn, I must say, I’m almost impressed, but it can never be like it was.

Damn, that shit is just crazy.  Britney was literally like a LeBron James level talent.  She was ridiculous!

Curses, suddenly I realized that these MTV fools done hit me with the bait and switch.  Here I am, thinking I’m about to see a Sarah Palin-esque, T&A “change” performance from Brit and then it happened.  Awww, some crazy ass Rihanna techno song I don’t like with some middle earth cretins stomping the yard and Rih Rih sitting on high with a 3 story ball gown.

And then right on cue, Rihanna starts showing me what I already knew:  That she’s literally the only chick of West Indian descent on record who cannot dance to save her life.

Then Dark Knight Joker meets Carrot Top came out to host the show.

Say what?  Who is this cat and why are his pants so tight?  The first thing I thought was, “oh, that’s that terrible Jesse cat from that ‘I want to be a vj’ contest back from the dead.”  Then he spoke and I immediately wondered if I was the only one who had finally gotten sick of hearing all these British accents.  Well, at least he kept it real with that “none of you know who I am”..  Ahh, honesty I can finally rally around.  And then homey started cutting into Bush and the Republicans with a bunch of one line zingers:

“I’m for Barack Obama…you recently elected that retarded cowboy fella.”

“In England, George Bush wouldn’t be trusted with a pair of scissors.”

“Use a condom or become a Republican.”

Damn, he’s half funny, like a Sacha Baron Cohen meets the trench coat mafia.  Anyway, to add to my misery, they then introduced some soft looking cats named the Jonas Brothers who had the nerve to start signing.

Who buys this trash?  And who in the hell are the Jonas Brothers?  Oh, the lady says that they’re just Hansen reinvented.  God, this is the worst VMAs ever.  I mean, the crowd is bored, the performers are terrible and even the presenters look disinterested.  So Jaime Foxx, realizing this, came out yelling “wake up, wake up.”  Dude, you know shit aint right when a cat has to tell people to wake up.  I haven’t seen a crowd this stunned since back at Duke when the Ques did the “Pussy Step” with three dudes (total!) at the step show…  You just had to be there, but trust me, it was so terrible that it was hilarious.

I know, I know, the Ques just like to go hard with the bruhs..  ahnt (I said it)

Anyway, so then they started in with “the best female video” and then the lady over in my easy chair made a great point, “why are these bad videos getting nominated for best video”?  And then Britney Spears won.  Say what?  I forgot that she had an album last year.  Then Britney went ahead and thanked God….Which immediately started to make me laugh and then the lady said, and I’m not kidding me, “hey, that’s an AA step”…Jeez.

Has it really come to that?  Thanking God to get off the goose?

Goodness, what a debacle this is.  Then Weezy came out and was fairly terrible.

Not really his fault, rap never does really translate well to a live format.  But he didn’t have to rock the tight sag with the full on drawls coming out the back.  Then Jordin Sparks came out looking like some kind of Extra Large Living Teddy Graham as she babbled about promise rings and being a slut.  Perfect.

Dude, John Legend looks scared.

Anyway, I can’t continue with this.  This was hands down the worst program I’ve ever seen on MTV.  Oh and they topped it off with Kanye’s outdoor contest where he sang, OFF KEY MIND YOU, for an entire song with some Beijing drummers and tight ass suit.

God it was awful.

1.  Dude, singing hooks is one thing, but YOU CAN’T ACTUALLY SING and nobody wants you to sing. Do hot beats, make tricky hooks and make us laughs occasionally.  Just because Andre 3000 sang on his album doesn’t mean you can.  In short, do what you do and stay in your lane.

2.  Please get that wig cut off. Homey aint got a head that can sustain a lot of hair, especially with that temple taper.

Boy, NOTHING went right tonight and in honor of that, I didn’t post shit.  Blame it on MTV…

– Lake

==========Update===========

To add insult to injury, Britney won THREE Moon Men.. THREE.

I mean, I know all awards are basically random and based on zero criteria, but what in the hell is wrong with videos generally, when Brit wins THREE awards for ONE SONG.  She’s not even a relevant artist at this point.  Goodness.  What a joke.

—————UPDATE—————–

I don’t know quite how we got there, but KIR in NV just said that the next time she sees Carrot Top in Vegas, she’s gonna ask him if he likes P-U Double Dolla Sign Y.  Hilarious.  The ladies of UvT really kill it.  Read the comments people!

These Are a Few of My Favorite Things

You know we love Mike Tyson, and you know we love Lil Wayne.  Here’s the best of both worlds.

Shout to Grande Smooth in ATL for putting us down with it.  (like two weeks ago, I’m early and still late)

Oh, and I was about to hit you cats with the official UvT “Hot shit but not to futuristic for the simple minded suckers muxtape” but Muxtape.com just got gripped up by the RIAA.  I owe you one if the site ever comes back.

-Brock

Best Rapper Alive: Lil Wayne – Whip It

It’s funny because my boy Brock put me onto this song with one line:

Pimpin’ over here

And I aint Santa Claus but I can make it Rain, Dear

Does it get any better than that?  Perfect.  Anyway, when I went to the whole song this shit was just great.  I need to put this in the ride posthaste.

Those slave references are aggressive, but the flow be progressive.  Yall like my little flow?  AHNT  lol  This cat clearly has the best flow right now.

– Lake

Lil Wayne – Smurfs Mashup

This is worth it just to see Gargamel make it rain.

Now every time I hear this song, I see this video in my mind.

Shout to MRod (who’s blog has picked up lately)

-Brock

Maybe Rappers Should Write Shit Down

You know Us Versus Them backs Lil Wayne big time.  The lyrics are hot, the metaphors are creative, the dude pumps out hundreds of free tracks a year, and he makes every remix hotter.

Wayne takes great pride in the fact that “I don’t write shit ’cause I ain’t got time”.  This might be controversial.  I think he needs to write some things down.  Honestly.  Look, here’s the problem.  Top five rappers dead or alive involve the following people:

Biggie

Jay-Z

Lil Wayne

Nas

Eminem

Yeah, I left Pac and Rakim off the list.  Rakim was well ahead of his time but still an 80’s rapper…so he rapped like an 80’s rapper.  It is like Wilt Chamberlain, respect is due but he couldn’t hang in the modern era.  Pac?  I love Pac, but the more I listen to his old stuff the worse it gets.  Part of the problem is the fact that the world is flooded with trash verses that he never intended to come out…dammit, I’m on a tangent.  I’ve gone all Lake on y’all.

Anyway, back to the point.  At the top of the list is Big and Jay-Z.

Two that have had ridiculous success and have risen into legend by revealing the fact that they never write down lyrics.  Here’s my thing, they aren’t the best because they don’t write down lyrics.  They are the best and they happen to not write down lyrics.

Sure, the fact that “I Got a Story to Tell” and “22 Two’s” were both written without putting pen to paper is crazy.  But that is something that comes across after the fact.

Nas writes it all down, he’s got lyrics for that ass.  Eminem writes things down in some crazy ass ADD all over the page scrawled out, crumpled up paper type shit.  Once again the lyrics and the flow are crazy.

Wayne hasn’t exactly dropped the classic story rap.  At least Dr. Carter has a little bit of a theme, as does Mrs. Officer but those aren’t those classic story raps.  Wayne boasts, Wayne brags, his flow is insane as far as his ability to create rhythm and ride the beat.  But here’s the deal.  I don’t know how Big did it, but Jay apparently rides around the city pulling lyrics to a song together in his head.  Wayne comes into the booth, drops 4-8 bars…

…smokes some weed, sips some syrup out of that triple Styrofoam cup, and drops another 4-8 bars.  Once again, this dude is the hardest working man in the bitnah of rhyming, and he gives me more free tracks for my iPod than any man alive.  But I really think the dude could step his game up if he sat down and applied himself.

For instance, “OK you’re a goon, but what’s a goon to a goblin”.  So upon further research, here’s a goon:

Tough guy, classic thug.

Here’s a goblin:

Funny looking little green guy.  I guess he could be magical…or something.  I don’t know, I don’t play Dungeons and Dragons, my local dungeon master isn’t around.  I’m taking the goon, he’s gotta be strapped, right?  Now see, if Wayne had some more time to think about it, he could have flipped that around.

On the real though, that shit ain’t a badge of honor, write it down perfect it.  Kanye ripped the Lollipop remix.  Super creative stuff, and you know Kanye worked until he got it just right…with his crazy ass.

Here’s to the beginning of the write shit down movement.  Go ahead, tell me I’m wrong.  Hell, Us Versus Them could use an editor, our shit would be better too.

-Brock

Hot Like Fire: Lil Wayne – The Carter 3 Review

If you’re at all interested in hip hop or rap, then you’re well aware of the fact that Young Weezy Baby aka Weezy F. Baby aka Lil Weezy aka Lil Wayne has this Carter III album coming out on June 10.

“But Lake, if the Carter III comes out on June 10th and it’s June 3rd, how did you get your hands on the album”…. Don’t worry about that. When you’re a media insider like me, they give you a little extra love. Anyway, even though I got a “free” copy, I’ll still be faithfully purchasing Weezy’s cd next Tuesday for sure. I mean, this cat put out like 100 or so songs in 2007/2008 and not just some ole bullsh*t either. While we’re at it, go ahead and peep that Lollipop with Kanye Live at Summer Jam.

Boy that Kanye really believes in his music, maybe a little too much. Anyway, Wayne has been lit-trally spitting hot fire for the better part of 12 months. And while I’ve purchased no more than 5 CDs in the past 4 years, this is one I’ll be getting on general principle. I mean, you gotta show love to true artists who show love to you, so I’m kicking off my “Go buy Wayne’s Album” campaign. Dude deserves it.

I went ahead and put that joint in the lab today and let me tell you, it’s FIRE! I mean, Wayne is killing it lyrically from start to finish, but finally he’s stepped his production game up, too. Peep the track list here, but let me just give you a little sample of what you can expect from Weezy:

That beat cranks in the ride, too. Overall, you just got to get this album, if not because dude deserves your dough, because it’s probably going to end up one of the best two or three albums this year. I must admit though, I never like when the remix or in this case remixes are significantly better than the original. Like, if you know the joint will be hot with another cat spitting over your hot beat, LOLLIPOP, then why didn’t you put the cat on to begin with? Oh well, I guess you can’t have everything.

– Lake

Good Enough To Post: Lollipop Remix Feat. Kanye West

If you’re a Kanye West or Lil Weezy fan (I’m both) this is a veeeery worthy Remix to Lollipop for your listening pleasure.

These cats are going to start to get a liiittle bit too esoteric for me in a sec.

Now, they aren’t there yet, but I can see it going in that direction with the Zapp and Roger voice distortion and “swimming with the pigeons” type flow. Anyway, this shit is hot for now. Enjoy.

– DJ Lake-Ski

================Update====================

Oh shit, I just caught that lil Weezy preemptive “no homo” (which is just a hilarious development in the ‘homo’ fusion brand on hip hop that’s out there now) before the “He’s so sweet make me wanna lick the rapper” line. Haaaaaaaaaaaaa. Boy, haters say I over analyze things. I disagree, how could anybody worth a nickel miss that critical line? Man, I’m off my game. Back to the lab!

– Lake

The Carter III is Coming…Payback Time

After all the joints Weezy F. Baby put out for my enjoyment during the last calendar year, the least I can do is repay him with an immediate purchase of The Carter 3 on the May 13, 2008 release date. I mean, if you’re on that Lil Wayne feed like me, this cat literally put out hundreds upon hundreds of great tracks for our enjoyment. It’s crazy. I heard this cat’s mixtape stuff banging in clubs…he’s a marketing genius.

Blink, Blink… nobody said the dude was perfect. Lol…. This is the cover for his new album and yes, it’s fairly trifling. Lol. A few Weezy quotes just happen to come to mind when I see weird mess like this.

“I’m on the La La speed it up, I’m on the syzurp slow it dowwwn”…

“I’m probably in the sky, flying with the fishes or maybe in the ocean, swimming with the pigeons, see my world is different, like Dwayne Wayne, and if you want trouble bitch, I want the same thang,”

I’m not sure because the Goose had a hold of me, but I think I recited that line for my New Years resolution. Greatness. Gotta love Wayne.

– Lake

Hot Shit: Lil Wayne – A Millie

This speaks for itself.  Wayne rips it.  The Carter 3 might be that breakthrough album.

Between this and Lollipop, he’s off to a great start.

-Brock

Hotness: Lil Wayne feat. Static Major – Lollipop

Ever since they shot up a club I frequented regularly in Beantown, I swore off the semi-thug club scene, but this may send me back in them streets. I’m the most fickle consumer of music you’ll ever find and very rarely, if EVER, do I like a song when I hear it for the first time. But this is an exception. I present to you Lollipop, Lil Wayne, off the Carter 3 Album, which I will be purchasing on day 1 out of respect alone (which is the only reason to buy any album at this point).

That joint is smooth as shit. I like this weird out, freaky club music direction hip hop is going in right now. It started with Timberland/Neptunes, then went over to Snoop and now Weezy. But can I just ask what the purpose of this cat Static Major is in this video and song? I mean, once you go Zap and Roger on a song it might as well be Lil Wayne, Feat. Lake Arlington and Brock Hardon and the shit would still be hot…hell, I like the sound of that.

I knew this song was fire as soon as I heard that familiar line:

“‘He’s so sweet, that I wanna lick the wrapper,’ so I let her lick the rapper”

Which of course is off that “It’s Me Bitches, Remix.” Yo, you just can’t lose with that. This joint is pure hotness. Wayne, your favorite blogger’s favorite rapper, has done it again.

Bravo.

– Lake