Archive for the ‘News’ Category

Us Versus Them Featured

January 24, 2008

We just got linked on the Wired site for our Mitt Romney blast.  Shout to Sarah Lai Stirland for the link.

Wired is the shit!

-Brock

UPS: Everything is all Right

December 15, 2007

UPS announced that it was able to cut costs by changing the way their trucks drove their routes. Sound like a complicated issue with teams of engineers working out algorithms for years? Nah, they solved the problem by only making right turns at intersections. By not waiting at lights idling until traffic clears they were able to save three million gallons of gas and cut 28 million miles out of their delivery routes. Whoever came up with that better get a hot Christmas bonus. They save nine million in gas alone.

Their next big idea is to paint all the trucks so they look really fast too.

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I heard the geniuses at Nascar are thinking about changing the direction that all the racecars go around the track in order to make Nascar “go green”.

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Ricky Bobby wants to turn right, and Ricky Bobby ain’t a thinker, Ricky Bobby is a driver.

Their 2008 slogan is “Car Racin’ is awwwlllllright”. Hey fellas, changing left turns to right turns on a track isn’t going to work in your case.  Trust me.

-Brock

Oops he did it again: Worst President EVER!

December 5, 2007

Is anyone shocked that Dubyah with his “Git er dun” approach to foriegn policy and intelligence gathering, would get yet ANOTHER claim of weapons capability wrong?

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I mean, honestly, would you trust this cat to run your summer lemonade stand? But yet yall voted for the fool…TWICE. At any rate, add this to his list of blunders that have made the United States look ridiculous and yes, if you’re scoring at home Iran continues to get over on the US. I mean, who do they have running that ship over there, Jim Tressel?

Meanwhile, what is this, like the 3rd or 4th time the Iranian President, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, got the best of good ole W? Nice work, now he’s claiming victory over the US. People keep saying he’s crazy, he aint crazy, he just knows who he’s dealing with.

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Now you see why our so called sworn enemy is walking around NYC, running some smack at Columbia, trying to go see ground zero for a photo op, and continuously rocking that wild members only inspired jacket piece with that cheschire cat grin on his face.

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As always, great work by W, his band of flunkies and the entire GOP membership that let them all get away with it.

– Lake

Larry Craig: I’m not a gay, I just crush (men) a lot

December 3, 2007

This is the story that just won’t die.

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Infinitely fabulous Senator Larry Craig gay Republican from Idaho has managed to open yet another chapter in his gay sex scandal. This time, he’s got his gay ex-boyfriends ahem panties all in a bunch over his assertion “I’m not gay and I have never been gay.

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Oh really? I believe you dude, I really do. That is if you consider hitting on and having sex with multiple gay men over a 40 year period, “not gay.” I know, I know, if you utter “no homo” after you bang some dude out, it’s not really gay. I know.

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Anyway, 4 more men have come forward to say they’ve had sex with Larry Craig. Another gay Republican said L dot Craig hit on him at some Republican convention. Damn, homey’s gaydar must be ahem “tight”….damn. Of course, Larry came right out and said that all 5 of these gay dudes are liars. All of them. Hilarious. You know what’s crazy though? The same dude, Mike Jones (who?), who had sex with that phony “Evangelical,” sinister minister, Ted Haggard, is now saying he had sex with Larry Craig, too! Damn, what is this guy, prostitute to the hypocritical, lying, scumbag, gay stars? How do you get expertise in that area? I mean, how does one male ho just find all kinds of politicians and religious freaks to sex him for money?

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Hey, I don’t know and I don’t want to know.

– Lake

Damn, that cat gets around.

Mike Vick Turns Himself In

November 20, 2007

Michael Vick turned himself in today to start his jail term ahead of his sentencing date of December 10th. I guess he finally figured out that actually doing something responsible may actually cause the judge and the public to avoid throwing the entire book at the dude. I just don’t know about turning myself in early. Go read to some kids, volunteer at an old folks home, plant some flowers. You don’t want to just turn yourself in to Adebisi and Schillinger before you have to.

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There are going to be more than dogs trying to get his ass in jail.

Is Vick going to roll with the Black Muslims or the Mexican Gangsters? Does a big ol’ swole cat try to roll up on him for his biscuit in the mess hall?

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Phone Check Fool!

Does he get put in a cell with Maurice Clarett? Is he going to get fat like Shawn Kemp Maurice Clarett?

What if he pulls a Lindsay Lohan and is only sentenced for 84 minutes? Then he’d be in jail for no reason. Let me tell you something. If I’m on my way to jail, you’re gonna have to come get me. I’ll be fighting harder that the Don’t Tase Me Bro kid.

On the real, I hope Mike pulls through it in good shape and makes it back into the league. He should get one more shot.

-Brock

Florida Review Board: It was a good Taze

October 25, 2007

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After further review the Us Versus Them Department of Law Enforcement and Corrections has found that the arse whooping, manhandling and especially the Tazing of dat candy ass experienced by the idiot Florida Student was proper, prudent, appreciated, encouraged, and enjoyed… 🙂

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Oh and the Florida Department of Law Enforcement also held that the incident which lead to surging electricity that hopefully lightly seared Andrew Meyer’s punk ass was properly administered too.

Man, that never gets old, especially the “ouch, ouch, ouuwww” he screamed out like he’s 5 years old or something. “What did I do?” haaaa

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Sorry bro, but as my Republican friends have told me time and time again, Freedom isn’t Free. Just glad it happened to you, that it wasn’t me and most importantly, that I got to see and laugh at it.

Now go away.. Thx.

– Lake

Prison Break: Chicken Style

October 14, 2007

A truck carrying a bunch of chickens overturned on the highway and the birds made a run for it.

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Hilarious. Was there one with the truck route tattooed underneath its feathers, just waiting for the right moment?

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I hear they threw 11 secret herbs and spices in the face of the driver, blinding him instantly. Some held off authorities with eggs while others escaped, then they staged a full on riot.

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So, it looks like a bunch of them didn’t know the plan, so they were still standing around when the authorities showed up. Not this guy though, he caught a Popeye’s commercial in the mess hall one day and knew he’d never see the light of day again.

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Scofield!

You know who needs to watch their back? These guys.

-Brock

Can someone tell me why I’m supposed to hate this dude?

September 24, 2007

I’m not saying I like the cat either. I don’t know much about him. But every time someone talks about Iran and their leader, President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, short of his criticism of our Middle East policy and our horrible president, I can’t really understand why he’s such a pariah.

(the cat looks pretty soft if you ax me. Never rocks a tie and he’s always grinning)

This morning on NPR, I heard a protester saying he was “as bad as Hitler”… really? Why, because the dude wants the same weapons the rest of his enemies possess? Listen, if the dude is so hell-bent on doing evil (what is this the He-man approach to international politics?) and it’s all so very obvious, can we dispense with the hyperbole and really get down to why this cat is such a bad dude? It’s pretty easy to hurl insults at a cat, bar him from visiting ground zero because you think it would turn into a photo op (which makes sense by the way) or just dismissively call him “crazy” and then move on with our lives.

Sorry if I don’t just take the word of these guys when people say he’s worse than Hitler, southern slaves holders in America or those South African proponents of Apartheid. I get it, he’s a danger to us all and the worst cat of all time, but yet he’s chilling on US soil, visiting prominent college campuses and getting his Mocha Latte on over at Starbucks. Makes perfect sense.

Oh wait, I get it. I’m supposed to hate a guy who has never done anything to me that I or anyone I know can reasonably articulate to me, meanwhile I’m supposed to be satisfied with a President who foolishly and brazenly got us into a debacle of a War in Iraq and can’t/won’t do anything for Hurricane Katrina victims who are actually our own citizens !?!?!

Riiight.. Ban him. Throw out the President of Columbia, hell, round up some people who may or may not look like him and commit some hate crimes against them.. Let’s get em! I think. What a country….

– Lake

The Dumbization of America

September 5, 2007

So here is the current front page of CNN.com.

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Now you know that UvT likes the Philipino Prison dancers as much as the next guys.  But front page news?  This isn’t news.  The Jena Six, that is news.  The Presidential Election is news.  Hell, I’ll even take hurricanes at this point.  There is even a video feature on this story.  Yeah, they don’t mention that these guys are probably forced to perform, or else they get caned.  The only people who are excited are the she-males that now have the opportunity to live out their broadway fantasies in the prison break room.  If you mess up a step do they drop your ass in the “hole”?  Who is the choreographer, Laurie Ann?  I don’t see much Boom Boom cack, but there is plenty “gotcha gotcha”.

Oh, and if you need to see this ridiculous picture closer up…it is even worse than you thought it was.

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Is that lipstick?  Are those jazz hands?  Dammit.

-Brock