Survivor: Bring back the hotties

Someone on the Survivor production team must be reading Us Versus Them, because not only did the new Survivor bite our style, they also followed our advice. First of all it is called “Fans Versus Favorites” FvF doesn’t ring like UvT, but there is definitely going to be an Us Versus Them element this year. After Survivor: China having a severe hottie shortage, Survivor: Micronesia – Fans versus Favorites is coming on February 9th, and they are bringing the heat in 2008. Let’s keep this simple and meet a few old favorites and some welcome new additions.

The Old School Favorites:

Parvati:

Parvati (who knew her last name was Shallow?) from Survivor: Cook Islands is back boys and girls. We already highlighted her as one of our favorites last season, before we even knew she was coming back. She’s a welcome addition. Plus we get another season of listening to Jeff Probst murder her name (Poverty, Proverty, etc.).

Eliza:

Lake and I disagree on this one, but I’m down with Eliza. She’s quietly a dark horse to win. She’s been doing analysis and commentary on Survivor since Survivor: Vanuatu with the infamous Murtz. She gets the game and has paid attention to all of the changes in the game. She knows what she did wrong last time and will be gunning to fix it.

Amanda:

Our favorite blurred out chick from Survivor: China is back. With Parvati and Eliza in the mix, you will see exactly what I’m talking about with Amanda Kimmel. She’s not really that tight. Wait…you don’t recognize her?

How’s that? This was the angle the camera men preferred. I wonder if she had time between seasons to realize she needs more appropriate clothing so she doesn’t spend this entire season behind the blur.

Let’s check out the new chicks of Survivor…they brought some winners here too:

Mary:

Damn, I see Mary Sartain went to the Vida Guerra school of dipping yourself in sand for pictures. She’s a pro in more ways than one. I hope her game is as tight as she looks. We need her to stay around for a while, she…ummmmm…looks entertaining.

Natalie:

Well at least Natalie Bolton thinks Natalie Bolton is sexy. She looks like drama. Why would you make that face in your picture? I bet all her friends have a stack full of pictures that look just like this. Hilarious. She’s out early, I can tell.

Tracy:

Pass Tracy Hughes-Wolf the botox…damn. I wonder if she can express emotion from the nose up? Yikes. Seriously, she either lifts weights with her jaw, or she got one last botox treatment trying to look her best on tv. What’s up with the Wolf in the hyphenated last name? There are real people with the real last name Wolf out there? Or is it this guy?

Alexis:

Here’s the obligatory sweet girl next door. Alexis Jones could go either way. I can’t really tell what she’s working with from this pic. I know before even looking that she’s from the south. Just checked…it’s Texas.

You see Jeff didn’t send his girl Julie Berry back into the fray. Hell, I still need a gratuitous Julie pic.

Well, those are the ladies. The vets also bring back Johnny Fairplay, James from Survivor: China, Ozzy, and my man, your man, the inventor of the fake immunity idol…Yau-Man.

Gonna be a good one. Stay tuned.

-Brock

==============Update=============

Brock you forgot one necessary Survivor Hottie: Jenna Lewis.  I mean, babe was so ill, they brought her back for Survivor All-Stars.

Not bad, but what really puts her over the top is that sex tape that I haven’t seen but which can be viewed on a NSFW basis right HERE.  You be the judge, because now you’ve got the information.  Is it Parvati without the goods or Jenna who you know is willing to go the ahem extra mile.

– Lake

BUSTED: Denise the Shady Lunch Lady

After watching a few episodes of Survivor China, I knew there was something about Denise that just wasn’t right.

It all started when she was all too happy to snake James, her supposed ally and friend, when they voted him off with the two immunity idols. Not only was that dirty, but it was stupid for her. She clearly was on the outside with Amanda, Todd and Lil Evil. Then she stretched credulity with that whole “I’m a Karate Instructor, I own a dojo and I’m a second degree blackbelt” but yet when she showed the Shaolin monks her stuff, she moved with the grace and precision of a has-been circus elephant with it’s trunk up it’s ass. Let me tell you a thing or two, a Karate woman looks like this:

This:

And this:

(Yessir)

Not like this:

Ya feel me? A Karate chick is fit, determined, and clean. She’s not the arbiter between Chicken Fricassee and Mystery Meat Tacos (incidentally, school tacos weren’t all that bad). She’s thinking about her energy, the universe, being one with her inner chi and all kinds of shit like dat. She aint thinking about whether she’s gonna shape her mullet up into a rat tail or just leave it wild to hang trailer park free. You are no more of a Black Belt in Karate than C3pO was a Jedi Knight.

(I’m actually not sure how this fits, but I’m a bulldog guy, so F it)

Then the chick refused to reciprocate Peih-Gee’s reward generosity talking about “I don’t want her to get strength”…. Biatch, she’s waxing you on all kinds of challenges AND it’s 4 against 1. If you had any “honor” as you kept on hitting Amanda with right before she iced your ass, then why didn’t you show Peih-Gee any love? Then she started quiting all kinds of challenges, wouldn’t eat the damn chicken embryo — she was just a mess. All that “of the people” foolishness was just a farce, or so it seemed at the time….. Well, now we have confirmation.

If you watched the finale, you saw Denise give this contrived sob story about how she lost her job because of the show..roll the tape intern.

LOL, it’s pretty ugly when you consider that she played Probst to set it all up too. Ha. This is off topic, but what’s up with that guy, Probst, by the way? Why is he so self-righteous? He’s like the Survivor version of Alex Tribec. He talks down to everyone on the show like he’s some kind of Survivor Genius, meanwhile, his ass stays out of the game, well fed and fully clothed as bangs out (but doesn’t marry) one of the tighter contestants they ever had and probably a native of 6 in each “exotic destination” for good measure. “Why didn’t you try to get them out of that alliance?” Yeah, easy for you to say, you aren’t out there playing the damn game, son. What they need to do is put Jeff out there on this new Survivor Vets v. Newbies joint next season. Then things would get interesting and quickly.

Anyway, long story short, Denise got BUSTED!

Right, predictably, her boss was watching the finale (go figure), took offense, dimed her out for being a lying cheat who was just trying to mooch some lootchy off her “fame” and now she’s out here apologizing. Check the video of that HERE.

Yeah, I guess the fact that she asked to be and was promoted to janitor from Lunch Lady, rather than fired just happened to escape her during the finale show. Oh and the fact that she’s been in this new job for months already also somehow got changed around. Ha… I know this chick aint the biggest genius in the world, but didn’t she know that people were going to figure this out?

Did she actually think all those administrators were just going to let her conjure up some story about how they unfairly canned her without getting their say so in? I mean, I know she’s an ex-Lunch Lady, but hasn’t she heard of the internet? Shit like that doesn’t go unexposed. I guess Courtney was right after all; you really do just “suck at life“…. Nice try, enjoy the $50 stacks you stole from Mark Burnett. I hope your reputation and all the shit your kids will take as a result of this was well worth it.

“Denise, I’m sorry, Lake has spoken. Now get yo’ shit, fix yo’ wig and beat it”..

– Lake

Survivor China Finale: Todd wins!

So I went ahead and peeped the end of Survivor China tonight.

It was very odd. Usually the people on the show look significantly better once they get all that grime and mud off them, but not this bunch. Almost everyone look bloated and caked-up with make-up on the reunion show. Brock asked early on who the hot chick was supposed to be on the show. Generally if you need to ask that question, the answer is that there wasn’t one. In theory Amanda was supposed to be the hot one and in fact, she had been in several beauty pageants coming in.

Hey, it’s not my cup of tea, but that’s a respectable thigh by anyone’s standards. And while it could have some more curve on it, that hamstring is talking to that arse piece in the far right picture. I can’t lie, she was looking exile sexy toward the end of the show. She’s naturally a somewhat stocky girl, so the Survivor diet fit her nicely.

Now that damn Courtney, who inexplicable got two winning votes by the way, did not take well to the Survivor diet.

Literally never. They said the chick started the show at 94 pounds and ended that joint at 86 pounds. Dammit!! There just has to be something illegal about that. Please note that you never heard her complain about a lack of food. That ought to tell you something. Yeah, your dad was tall and skinny, but A. you aint tall and B. he really wasn’t all that skinny. Only you are. And how did that chick get on the show anyway? I know you want a biatch to mix things up, but she just took things way too far. That line about how Denise didn’t deserve the money “because she sucked at life” was so so ill.

Speaking of Denise, she took it on the chin as a result of the show, so much so, that Mark Burnett had to break her off with $50,000 just for being so miserable. I mean, she lost her job as a lunch lady, she extended that mullet because it made her feel more feminine

(huh?) and then she even got iced out by the fans as the favorite Survivor. And let me ask, if her family is so poor and hard off, why was everyone in the family famously plump? Hey, I’m not trying to go Courtney on her, but she was a bit too vocal about why she deserved to stay in the game, like she didn’t ice out Piegh Gee. It’s not like cats aren’t out there trying to win too.

Oh and those Shoalin Karate sessions Denise demonstrated for us at the ancient temple..awful. She’s a 2nd degree blackbelt? I didn’t know JC Penny reversibles for $4.29 qualified. Hey, I’m like James Brown, I don’t know Karate, but I know Ka-razy and I’ll tell you right now, I’d call on the 36th Chamber, use my Wu Tang style and bust her candy ass in mixed martial arts.

Those moves at the temple were Daniel-son-eque and believe me, that’s not a compliment. Anyway, Todd won and he definitely deserved it.

He was the best game player and at times it definitely seemed like he was the only one playing the game. I couldn’t understand how Amanda didn’t know that she had no chance to win against Todd. That was not smart. You just had to like Todd to step up after kicking everyone off to be able to say, “Hey, I’m the man (sort of), I played the best and I won this shit. Everyone else road my coattails.” It’s just too easy and true by the way.

What I didn’t like about Todd was that damn lipstick he was rocking on the finale show. That was terrible. Anyway, James got the fan favorite $100,000, Todd got the mil and Denise got the sympathy $50 stacks. I can’t be too mad at any of it. Oh and this just in, the winner of the best looking Survivor is Peih-Gee.

No question, she cleaned up nicely, had decent J game and an above average face. She just edged out Amanda who almost backed into the award, but something about the weirdo puppy dog eye she was giving during the last show bothered me.

What can I say?

– Lake

Survivor: China Finale

The finale is here. First things first. DirecTv faded me from the first 15 minutes of the show, so I missed the early recap of the show. I’ll go ahead and assume that not much happened though. I got back in when Jeff was explaining the rules for the reward challenge.

8:18 pm: We get our first shot of Amanda’s blurred ass.

As you could see in my previous analysis, there isn’t much to blur out.

Denise couldn’t even get past the damn bridge before everyone else was at the end. Later she complains that she is always picked last. Well she’s not very good at much and she quits on herself quite a bit. That will get you picked last every time.

Amanda Pixelpants wins the challenge and gets to pick someone to share her pizza, beer and brownies with someone. Brock doesn’t share his damn pizza and beer with anyone. It is definitely better not to leave hater Todd with anyone else though. By the way…did I miss when they gave the car away this season? When the hell was that?

8:30 pm: Here comes “fallen comrades”. It actually isn’t as boring and drawn out as it usually is. Most of the time it is a ridiculously long hike or paddling in a boat and takes forever. Not only that, but it forces the final four to comment on people they met over a month ago and knew for about three days. At least they mixed in exiled survivors reflecting on themselves. We know, we know, Survivor was a life changing experience. You will never be the same. You have lifelong friends. Thanks for that.

As a quick aside, Courtney goes beyond the negative arse. I know the chick weighs 80 pounds, but the hump in her back sticks out more than the humps in her backside.

Wow. Frosti thinks that is “out of his league” huh?

8:55pm: Final Immunity challenge. Nice job Amanda. Not only did you manage to steal someone elses buff to rock as a skirt keeping you off the FCC most wanted list, but you are the plate stacking champion of the world. I actually prefer the ridiculously long endurance challenges. Back in the day they just made you stand on a platform for eight hours. Jeff probably put in a call to old Mark Burnett and let him know that he has a four hour limit at challenges before he needs to go back to his custom built luxury trailer back at camp.

So Amanda wins bowl stacking by flipping the last two bowls over, keeping them stable. Actually a huge strategic move. She deserves that final immunity.

9:15pm Denise gets voted out. She actually tried to scramble a bit there at the end. I appreciate the effort but she was always dead meat. Damn, good to know she’s still delusional. She thought she was going to win it all? Really? Denise you are the definition runner up. You are the person who gets to the end because you are decent enough at the beginning to stay on the team, yet you aren’t a big enough threat to get voted out. You can’t convince anyone that you made any strategic moves other than blindly following your alliance. You never made any strong moves at an immunity challenge. You might have gotten more votes than Courtney…might have.

9:30pm. Final Tribal Counsel. “The Power Shifts to the Jury” and all of that. Damn, Denise didn’t have any “jury gear” in the luggage. She looks like she brought a stack of identical tank tops whether she was taking showers or living outside.

Did she get that smock from the Frodo Baggins collection? She did comb out her mullet though, so she wouldn’t have to continue rocking the Mullet pony tail.

So far this jury isn’t attacking too much. James played it cool. He must know getting voted out was his fault. Jean Robert got smacked down by Todd and went back to his seat. Why isn’t anyone asking Amanda anything? Is she that irrelevant? These two chicks are really handing it to Todd. Amanda looks like she just got caught stealing milk money.

She won’t stand up for herself. Courtney is at least going hard and claiming her “strategy” was to go along with everyone.

9:51pm. There you go Amanda! Call that cat Todd out for stabbing every single member of the jury in the back. If he is going to go hard, make sure everyone realizes what he did. Oohhh here comes Denise. Look, someone in the final four alliance had to go first.

10:00pm. A little editing trickery from Jeff. Nice transition. I did actually liked seeing Jeff dip out of tribal counsel with the vote bucket tucked under his arm like a football to go jump into his jetski/helicopter/motorcycle to “drive” back to the finale show.

Todd wins. That is a few seasons in a row where the “game player” wins. I guess being an honest killer is the most respected role you can play in this game. I still think Amanda could have won. But she didn’t seem to even be able to convince herself that she deserved it.

Courtney looks like she put on a few pounds. Does that actually mean that she looks better though? I can’t tell.

Is Jean Robert serious with that skull cap? That’s not hot.

Todd. I know you were strategic throughout the show. But pretending that every single move was premeditation is just silly. Come on man, you were good, but you were no puppetmaster.

Uh oh, Denise got her mullet freshly feathered for the final show.  Wait, when did Jeff change shirts?  See, even Jeff keeps it pimpin.  He wasn’t rocking the jungle gear in Hollywood.

-Brock

Survivor: China. The Final Four.

 Check out Our Survivor China UPDATE on the Finale HERE.

The Survivor Finale is Sunday, and we are down to the final four. Amanda, Todd, Denise and Courtney. Other than the joint where I was completely joking and said that Denise was going to be in the finals because she was a damn mute, I’ve gotten every single prediction I made wrong. That being said, a lot has happened. Let’s take it from the top.

James Played Himself:

Let me know if I’ve got this wrong. James got voted out with six cats left and two immunity idols in his pocket.

That is nothing by greed right there homey. You thought they were just going to let you walk into the final four? Come on, you are built like a cat that should have “I will win every immunity challenge” tattooed on his chest with “vote me out” on his back. Did he really think he wouldn’t have to do any more work to get into the finals? Talk about getting lulled to sleep. He had a guaranteed spot in the final five and blew it.

Amanda is Apparently a Problem with the FCC:

I’ve haven’t seen a survivor that needed a permanent blur over a body part. since Richard Hatch Sure, during a wrestling challenge a titty would fall out, somebody would catch a wedgie and an ass cheek would get too exposed. But Amanda actually got her real clothes back, not the clothes she happened to have on when Jeff pulled his “gotcha” at the beginning of the season where everyone had to wear their draws for a few weeks, the bathing suit she planned to wear on national TV. The chick can’t even walk around without catching the blur from her back to her thigh. The interns pulled together the only two pictures of this chick in that camo bathing suit without her ass blurred out. Let’s take a look.

If she turned another ten degrees to the left, the censors would be all over her ass, literally. She is a little thick in the thigh though. What else?

Fine, she’s not working with much, but she propped it on up on that wall. What was up with her and her sister working the bird calls during the challenge. I was waiting for her to start working the Lil Wayne “birdcall”. When you hear the Brrrrrrrrr she ain’t tryin’ ta whistle. This is the same babe who lost her top on day six and didn’t even know it. Gotta be a freak right? My bad, she’s actually a “beauty queen“. She was a “Miss Earth” contestant in 2005.

Denise Can’t Win:

I don’t care who she goes up against, and the field is weak at this point, but Denise can’t win against anyone. Maaaaaaybe Courtney since she sucked at everything. You want to talk about an anticlimactic final vote. Let’s try Denise and Courtney for the million. Frosti, between Denise and Courtney, who should be Sole Survivor?

Yeah, you ain’t lied. They might have to let the money rollover to next season.

Actually, they will probably do what they did last season to avoid the whole thing and have a three way finale. It will be the first and last three way for Denise.

So the finale is Sunday, and I care more about who doesn’t win than who does. At this point, I guess Todd and Amanda “deserve” to win the most since they at least tried to win the money instead of just riding out. Sure, Courtney put together a few key immunity wins, but otherwise she hasn’t done much but be a non-threat and non-entity.

Now that we’re in the final four, I’m going with Amanda to win the whole thing. Todd has pissed too many people off, and as I said the other two have no game at all.

-Brock

Survivor China: Jean-Robert Goes All-In

 Check out our UPDATE on the Survivor: China Finale HERE.

Survivor China is back this week and although they teased double crossing and backstabbing, it ended up being a pretty predictable affair.

First of all Jean-Robert starts to figure out the game in week 8 and kicks the poker “strategery” up in an effort to actually win the game.

Up until this point Jean-Robert has simultaneously employed the “make myself worthless so when I actually do something it looks good” strategy, coupled with the threaten everyone who might vote for me strategy. What he should have done is drop in the Evel Dick/Richard Hatch take me to the end because everyone hates me technique. That was his problem. He was only a dick enough to be annoying, not enough so that everyone wants to take him to the end and sit next to him when it is time to vote.

Jean-Robert even tries to surprise James by squaring him up. But James wasn’t going for the banana in the tailpipe. So instead, James slapped J-R with his junk at a challenge.

Peace out Jean-Robert.

Once again the fake idol popped up again with Jean-Robert trying to fake people into believing he would be immune to being voted out. In the end, he got faded out by Jeff.

Since it was a slow week, let’s talk about something important. With the lack of hotties this season, let’s talk about Jeff. This cat has to have the best job in the world. Fifteen seasons of traveling all over the world, working 80 days a year, rocking cargo pants and denim shirts everyday and calling cats out at tribal counsel for B.S. you know they did because you’ve already watched the video tape.

But that’s not the best part, Jeff also bagged one of the hottest chicks to roll through the jungle on Survivor.

Awwwww, don’t they look happy? Yeah, forget that, let’s see what else Julie’s working with.

I see you Jeff, she keeps it silky smooth through the stomach area. What else?

A little side boob and tail piece combo. Let’s not forget that this was the chick that preferred naked sunbathing on the show. Well played Jeff, well played.

-Brock

Survivor China: Jaime Plays Herself

 Check Out our UPDATE of the Survivo: China Finale HERE.

We’ve got a lot of catching up to do, here’s the best of what’s gone down:

James said that Denise “better watch out” is she was a little bit younger, or he was a little older. Is age really the only thing holding him back? Come on brother! Are you attracted to her work ethic? She is a damn near mute with thunder thighs and a mullet.

Look at those sneakers, those gotta be long ’bout size eleven or twelve. You gonna get up on that James?

Now I’ve watched every episode of Survivor since the beginning of the series. I get the theory of throwing challenges, but it is definitely bad Survivor karma. Not to mention the fact that Jeff Probst and Mark Burnett will set things up to get yo ass later. Sure enough, Jaime gets caught by the joke that Yau-Man tried to pull last year. Like James said, did she think someone was just going to leave an immunity idol laying around camp like they were leftovers. I guess James had two so he didn’t need anymore. Jaime plaaaaayed herself with that fake idol. Jeff loved it too after she threw that challenge a few weeks ago. Talking about “Jeff, isn’t this the time to play a hidden immunity idol if you have it?” Jeff was like, sure. Then played her when he threw it into the fire.

She was like, wait, whaaaaaaa? Oh, I got peaced out?

Sherea got voted off the island a few weeks ago. All of my little predictions are starting to fall apart. Sherea got caught up on the wrong team at the wrong time.

She tried to curse a few people out on her way out the door too while issuing the stank face.

So here’s how it’s shaping up.

James has decent alliances and two immunity idols in his back pocket. People are going to start sniping him not only because he is a physical threat to win individual immunity, but also because he has been a nice guy all the way through.

Todd is going to have a strategy meltdown. He is coming up with schemes that are about four layers too complex. He is trying to throw a challenge, while negotiating an alliance, while playing the hidden immunity idol, while blindsiding Jeff, while snuffing out Jean-Robert’s torch while he wasn’t looking. He’s going to drive himself into madness if he doesn’t watch out.

I think Frosti is still in a great spot to make it to the end. He won the first individual immunity, he doesn’t seem to be on anyone’s radar, and by time they pick off the big threats (Jean-Robert for being a jerk, James for being huge, Todd for scheming too hard, Pei-Gee for being annoying, and Courtney for being waaaaay too annoying, he will still be in the mix.

Next week looks like a good one as Todd tries to blindside James. Yeah, that’s not gonna work.

-Brock

Survivor: China – Lawd, Help Leslie

Check out our UPDATE of the Survivor: China Finale HERE. 

Week three and the water ban is still on. Sure, the reward challenge saw people falling in water, but that barely counts. Anyway, let’s call this the “whoops” episode of Survivor.

The first whoops, Jean-Robert and James getting caught in male “perv” mode talking about “the only thing better than a million dollars is a million dollars and some ass“. Nice fellas, not only that, but they were talking about Courtney the 70 pound (I thought they were joking at first until I saw her try to chop through those ropes, but she may actually weigh about 70 pounds.)

I mean she didn’t have much spare weight to work through on this show, if she made it the full 39 days they might mistake her for one of the torches they are supposed to burn during the always terrible and ridiculous ‘fallen comrades’ walk at the end of the show. Coming this season…”Ahhhh Chicken…he really…liked, Chickens” Yeah, that is what you get when you ask people to talk about someone they met for three days over a month ago.

The second oops was Courtney swinging on that rope for what looked like about 15 minutes. I mean she was swinging that machete about as hard as Twan from Men on Film swung on Blaine when he told him to shut up. Who chose that chick to bat lead-off in that challenge. Fei Long lost that one in the planning phase. No wonder they sit her out every chance they get.

Still not much being telegraphed this season. I don’t know if there isn’t much strategy talk yet, or the producers are holding back, but there aren’t any power alliances being telegraphed yet. So let’s talk about the general themes of Survivor to try to figure out who will be the Sole Survivor in China.

1. The tricky editing technique: This is where the producers know they don’t really need to tell your story until the moment before you get kicked out. If your character starts to get put together early, like Chicken did early in episode one, and Ashley did in episode two you might be about ready to go.

With that philosophy in mind, the winner of Survivor: China is…Denise!

Seriously, is this chick a mute? Sure, she tried to represent in the wrasslin’ challenge. But I don’t think she was shown saying a word the entire time. Not even a grunt of effort as she flung the literal lightweights off that platform. On the real, say what you want about Denise, but she isn’t out of sync with the majority when the vote comes down. Someone is letting her know which way the wind is blowing. She is also the perfect pawn, she can’t win with no personality to play the social game, I’m going to have to guess she is loyal as hell and she can’t sell out your alliance because she literally doesn’t speak. Perfect to take to the final two or three.

2. Personality: They are going to try to ride their personality guys to the end. So far Crazy Dave is making a decent play for this role on Zhan Hu with his nekkid wrestling (yeah, that’s gay, Mr. Ex-model. I don’t care what your “they won’t want to touch me” strategy is. Besides, no man who values his junk would risk getting the little man scraped up) The other person is “crafty Todd” from Fei Long. He is definitely trying to get his puppetmaster on, but it is only a matter of time before people start comparing notes and start realizing that he is playing both sides. Besides, the person who “loves the game” and “studies Survivor” tends to get picked off right before the merge.

3. The plucky lady: Here is where I think the winner is coming from. Peih-Gee and Sherea are both playing great games. They are strong in challenges, are thinking about the game strategically, and seem to be able to make friends. This means they are strong enough not to be picked off before the merge, but solid enough to pick up in individual challenge or two in the end game and actually get some votes at the end. Watch these ladies.

Quick thoughts:

Awwww, my man James is rocking the forced baldy. Defined as a dude who goes bald because he has to. You can stay smooth if you can get your hands on a razor every two days, nobody has to know. But James has been in the jungle for nine days now and he is sporting the full ring and patch combo. He will be looking like a full on George Jefferson if he makes it much further. If he gets to the final four, he may have a solid black business fro going. I’m surprised he hasn’t tried to use the machete to maintain his swagger.

I’m going to have to stop making fun of Frosti. The kid seems to be a beast. I don’t know if he can make it to the end, but he is strong without being threatening. He goes hard, I can’t hate.

Is Amanda hot? I can’t really tell. She seems like she is supposed to be the hot chick, but something isn’t quite there. Overall she seems athletic, and those red draws are about right…I don’t know. Peih-Gee is looking pretty good to me too, braless Jamie is decent. Sherea is growing on me too. She has something about her…she may be packing something extra, but she knows and is comfortable with it.

What was with the action editing on the immunity challenge? You know, the kung fu flick action shot as they swung the machete. I guess after 15 seasons, you get bored and have to step it up, huh?

So Leslie, the non religious christian radio host gets voted off. She was a hypocrite anyway. See ya!

-Brock

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Finally, the Lake, has come back, to yoooooou veee teeeee-

Yo, this is a good rundown of the real game. Let me just add a few items. First off, if we’re sitting here trying to decide who is hotter, PG, Amanda, Courtney or Sherea….Sharea?! then we’ve got a serious problem with casting. Like take Parvati from Survivor: Cook Islands for instance.

We just knew she was fine, the only question was whether you’d get the right angle to see it each episode. If there is a debate about whether a Survivor chick is fine, she aint. They lay around in next to nothing all day. Mother nature don’t lie. We’re talking bare essentials and sure, everyone shows up to the finale show with liquid foundation, lipstick and rouge cooked onto their grille pieces, but that aint good enough. I will say, however, that I did see latent traces of thickness in Sherea when she was running on that dock with nothing on but some draws and a bra top…ha. I guess she’s losing some of those extra LBs, only to reveal her true essence. Rumor has it she was an old school freak in her days down at Florida A&M with a few cats I know. So I like her even more.

And player, you can talk what you want about Lake the Cake Don Dada, but if you gone do that, you should at least mention Leslie in your Survivor recap (after all, she is in the title of the post), it’s not like there isn’t much to say. 1. She was an ex ho, druggie and wild child turned Jesus freak (hmm, Freak to Jesus Freak, that should be a self help book title) and 2. She was a Christian talk show radio host who said, “I’m not religious,” and then refused to take part in a welcoming ceremony solely because those who were welcoming her to their country weren’t the same religion that she was. Plenty to talk about there player, but I feel you…

-Lake

Survivor China – Ashley taps out

Check Out our UPDATE of the Survivor: China Finale HERE. 

It is still to early to tell who will be the winner of Survivor China, but there are definitely some real losers out there.

Let’s start with the “leader” Dave. Once again, I don’t want to keep setting this dude up as the measuring stick for all that is bitchy, but if you are so tired a cat named “Frosti” comes to push you out of the way so your team can man up…you’ve got problems. Dave was really trying to visibly tap out so that either someone would step up and save him, or his team would believe he was putting forth his best efforts and not want to vote him out for being less than manly. Of course, CBS lists him as a “former model”, which actually raises a lot of questions. First of all, that is not actually a job. If your job title contains the word “former”, it is no longer your profession, and your new job is “unemployed”.

Damn Sherea…I see you.

Let’s talk about the first challenge. Do chicks really not know when their titties are out? That babe Amanda was flying free for at least the last two minutes of that challenge. Let me tell you, if my junk falls out in the middle of the jungle, I’m pretty sure I’m not going to miss that. First of all people would be tripping left and right and all the ladies would be dumbstruck, so it would be hard not to notice…I’m just saying.

Is there no clear water in China? This is the first season where every damn challenge hasn’t been a swim out to build a boat, or hold your breath to unhook a clip, or drop into the water through a ring. They just keep building mud pits for these people to run through. Also what is up with busting your wad on the 6 v. 6 challenge when one team has 7 players and the other has 8? Huh? You couldn’t wait another week for that one?

By the way is the Mullet (Denise) really on the show?

I think she’s only been shown twice. The first is when her hairstyle of choice was prominently displayed. The second was when I noticed that she has legs like a damn defensive lineman. Yeech. Aww, she’s a school lunch lady. I guess that will be useful in the jungle in case they come across a stash of Dharma Initiative Corn and frozen Pizza like they did on Lost. Otherwise I’m not sure her training translates well.

I guess a bunch of you are think that someone on Survivor: China gets nude, buck naked, artistically unclothed. Well, you probably aren’t looking for Denise, so I narrowed it down a bit. Oh yeah, maybe some more Ashley Massaro Pics?

She was in fact in Playboy (twice!), and can be found here.

-Brock

I know I need to go ahead and make a prediction for the winner of Survivor: China. Not ready just yet…next week. Right now, I’ll say I think it will be a woman.

Survivor: China – Chicken gets Fried

Survivor is back for the 15th time with Survivor: China.  After a few years of diversity that casted more minorities on the show and actually gave them a shot at forming an alliance and winning, resulting in wins for brotherman Earl Cole in Fiji, and Yul Kwan(not to be confused with Yuuuuueee!, which makes you crank that Soulja boy), we’re right back to the standard formula of two black people and two or three “others” with a gang of adventurous white people.

I guess they went with social diversity this time with “Chicken”, “Frosti”, a wrassler, a grave digger (the brother, who is built like he digs by hand.  Who is his grandfather?  John Henry?  Seriously, he already had a hot line like he is a pro boxer or a pro wrestler, “I bury people all day”.  Great.), a pro poker player (who may be only slightly “pro” like Nick on Big Brother was a pro football player), and a “sneaky” male flight attendant.

They pulled the old, “you can only take what you have on right now” trick.  And sent the women into the woods wearing dresses and heels.  On the real, how many times is this trick going to work?  If I went on Survivor, starting at the second interview, you best believe I’d have on two pairs of draws, a bathing suit, a pair of those shorts where the legs can come off and turn into shorts, a wife beater undera moisture-wicking t-shirt under a long sleeve t under a sweater under a wind breaker under a XXXXL White-T that looks like a nightgown undera hoodie with a lighter in the pocket, with a baseball cap under one of those helmets that hold drinks on the side, with a pair of sneakers with Nike Air in them with a pair of flip flops taped to the soles just in case I want to remove them and chill at the camp with my toes out sometimes.  Sure, everyone would laugh at first, and I’d be one sweaty muuuhfu*kah.  But when Jeff said, you can only keep what you have on, I bet everyone would look at me like “gosh, that guy was smart, I wonder if I can borrow his white T?”  I’d accomodate the ladies…for favors…but only for the first day or two before everyone started smelling all funky from being outside all the time.

Back to the show.  Always remember the rule of the first episode of Survivor.  The person going home is either old, weird, sick, or bossy.  This season it was old.  Chicken got pieced out for being crotchety for all I can tell.  But someone has to go.  They teased WWE Diva Ashley like she was going to be out for being sick, but the rest of the tribe must have figured out that there are always a lot of water challenges so her airbags may come in handy.

Plus, does this look like someone who gets sent home right away?

Yeah, didn’t think so.  Not my type, but I’ll still watch.  By the way, I’m told she’s appeared nude in Playboy…and although I’ve never sought out those types of pictures, there are people who do, and they say you might find what you are looking for here (you know that’s NSFW, right?).

Some parting questions:

When they design the challenges, do they sit around and say…”This would be better if we could make the entire course covered in 3 inches of mud”?

How long before Vince McMahon runs a “Survivor” angle with someone getting voted out of the WWE?

How do you get the nickname Frosti?  By making this face?

Was that an official Mullet?

Did Jaime say “she didn’t bring a bra”, does that mean at all, or just that day?  From this picture, she doesn’t look like the type of girl who doesn’t need one. 

Are any of these women fine?  I can’t tell?  One usually sneaks up on me long about episode 3…in a water challenge…i’m just saying, Jaime, it might be you.  Come back every week for more!

-Brock