Kim Kardashian Dancing With The Stars Break

You’d think that at this point, we’d be getting tired of Kim Kardashian’s ass drapped into some new gear.

But you’d be very wrong.  Dude, maybe it’s just me, but that hook never gets tired.  I mean, in a dress, filling some jeans, up high in some short shorts or down low in some drawls.  I’m sorry ladies, I know she’s a near guarandamnteed gel/silicone abuser.  I know she’s got almost zero personality and I even know that her skills in the sack don’t begin to cash those checks that her ass has been writing.

But it still doesn’t matter.  Angle three please.

I don’t know about that shot.  I mean, really.  Are yall seeing this?  Unbelievable and I don’t know if it’s the best thing ever or the worst.  But those rims look fresh to death.  Anyway, I’m waiting like a mufucker for this season of Dancing With The Stars and it aint because of Warren Sapp, ok?

Well, that’s a lie.  I do want to laugh at Warren, but Kim K in some “buck-ed naked” spandex, slimming down while that tail piece gets fitter, faster, strongerrrrrrrrrrr.

Sheeeeeit.  Even Clay knows that’s the truth.

– Lake

Bill Parcells versus Jason Taylor

The Big Tuna has landed in Miami and he still doesn’t play. A few days ago he teed off on Jason Taylor for not coming to voluntary mini-camp.

Parcells says it is because Jason Taylor is a team leader, that his team is working hard without him, that a leader should be there working hard with the team. You know, really trying to build some camaraderie. I know Bill is working hard, but no one has forgotten the fact that the Dolphins were 1-15 last year. Why don’t you work on the other thirty or so problems the team has…you know, a quarterback, people who can catch, a running back who can make it through and entire season, you know…the basics.

Look we all know why Bill is pissed off. He can pretend it is football related all he wants. He’s mad because he thought he was getting this:

Yeah, that is the six time pro bowler and former Defensive player of the year. A straight killer who has been the only gem in a horrible program for a long time. He ended up with this:

A tippy-toeing, back-sliding, bellbottom wearing, ballroom dancer. Listen here Jason, I don’t care that you are in the best shape of your life. Samba shape ain’t football shape homey. Not to mention the fact that everyone had a mental image of you smiling and quickstepping around the dance floor. Don’t you know you just gave the entire league reason to whoop your ass? People will work extra hard against you just so they don’t get beat by the dancer.

Seriously.

That is just turrible right there. I’m with Parcells on this one. Time to get your ass back to the job.

And for the record, all I know about this show is the stills.  I have not watched a single solitary minute of this debacle, but I did overhear two people having a legitimate conversation about how it wasn’t fair to have Kristi Yamaguchi on the show because she was a “ice dancer” who was already like a trained dancer.  I guess JT got robbed.  Whatever.

-Brock

And Now For Something New…Man Up Monday

It feels so good when inspiration strikes. When you sit straight up in the middle of the night, mind racing because you have an idea, something that can help people, something that can change the world…

Here at Us Versus Them, we are ready to give back. We are ready to use our power to touch people, to improve this great nation and the world. How will we do it? Man Up Monday. Our first project?

Mario.

Well damn…where do I start? The silky shirt? The high pants? Those slippery looking shoes? The fact that it looks like his head was photoshopped on to his neck? All that glitter, or magma, or sparkles or whatever the hell that is in the background?

Let’s start here. You can’t go by one name when your name is so damn common. You have to have something unique like Madonna, like Beyonce, even Usher. When I say “Mario”, I’m thinking there is about a 0% chance that the first person you think of is this dude. If you like to eat you probably think of this guy, or if like gay comedians, this guy. The other 90% of the world thinks of this guy:

Anyway, black, skinny Mario is on dancing with the stars. As long as he doesn’t start highstepping and sliding like Jerry Rice he may leave this experience with some part of his pride intact. Look, I can’t hate too hard, check out his lady.

Cute, huh? Well, Brock knows her from back in the day. Back when she was just a young model trying to make it, butt naked riding bikes. Here’s a tame version, I’m sure you can find worse (better?).

Anyway, unlike last season, when Mel B brought me out of the woodwork to at least get a feel for the show, I will not be catching a single solitary second of Dancing With the Stars this year.

Mario…Man Up!

-Brock

====================Update=========================

Uh, Brock. Now, I won’t come out here and disagree with you directly, but I would be remiss if I didn’t say that when a man is hitting this:

(This babe is alike a doper Alicia Keyes.. yikes)

You can call him Cleetus for all I care… I mean, hot dammit, that’s his lady? Shit, maybe this “going hard thing” hasn’t been working for me. I’m a star, loyal reader KIR in NV told me so. Maybe I need to be on dancing with the stars, get me some Ricca love.

WOW. Man up player? Seems to me he’s got that thing sufficiently covered where it matters, don’t ya think? Damn a man up, if I don’t stop looking at this babe you’re gonna have to come into my office with some smelling salts because it’s about be “Man Down Monday”… That little tan dress up top wasn’t telling the whole truth. Keepin it real..

– Lake

Mel B: In Case You Forgot

She still just had a baby. And yes, she is still bad as hell.

Man, that “Dancing with the Stars” diet is real. I asked one of the interns to get me a close up view.

Damn. It is tight up close too. Nice work. I know there have been rumors, but this is the best evidence I’ve ever seen that would cause me to question Eddie Murphy’s sexuality.

I don’t know why UPS keeps asking the question, I know exactly what (Mel) Brown can do for me.

-Brock

Dancing With The “Stars”: Marie Osmond Can’t Handle the Heat

I know I mentioned a few weeks ago that I might watch Dancing With the Stars just to see sexy ass Mel B. Well, the show is too terrible for me to even do that, but when this hit the wire this morning, I just couldn’t resist.

Now I’ve heard that DWTS is “intense”, I’ve seen the evidence of these “stars” losing lots of weight during the show, I’m sure the physical demands of the fox trot, the samba, the quick step, the Heisman on that Ho, or the pop it and lock it, are very high. It is great how the host just cuts to commercial. I guess they were able to rouse her before coming back from the break, but they were acting like she went down on a big hit on Monday Night Football. I half expected Marie to be giving a thumbs up from the back of a golf cart when they came back on air.

That bring said, Marie went hard until the end. She made no indication that she was about to tap out until she was halfway down. I mean she fell so fast that her partner Fabio didn’t even have time to catch her. Most of the time, you get a little sway, a little extra hard blink, or some indication they know it is coming.

For instance, let’s peep this kid:

He rocks the full bug eyed sway to the left before he goes down. I don’t even know if his hands came out of his pockets. Then he gets up and still spells the word! Hot.

How about this dude from “To Catch A Predator”:

Did he think the gum was the problem? Naaaaaahhh meng, it is those hot cameras on yo ass! He stands, dips his head, and gives the full rhino charge into that fake ass prop bar they have constructed.

Or this:

Okay, that isn’t fair…that dog didn’t know that was coming.

Passing out is right up there with tasers as one of the UvT favorites.

-Brock

“Pretty Boy” Floyd on Dancing with the Stars?

Awww, first we had Oscar rocking the fishnets, now this:

(Yeah, I think Floyd will hit this)

Why oh why is Floyd Mayweather “competing” on Dancing with the Stars? Isn’t he supposed to be training for his fight with Ricky Hatton? Normally I’d call on a celestial power to take track of Floyd’s mind and set him straight, but this time I know better. It’s gonna take more (or less), because clearly Floyd is off his rocker. So I’ll say it, Roger, take the wheel!!!!

I would tell Floyd’s pops, Floyd Sr. to take the wheel, lest folks start calling him “Batty boy” Floyd, but that fool has more hair on the top of his head than he has good sense, so I won’t even bother.

And Jr. I gotta tell, you, if you end up looking like your namesake, they’re gonna have to start calling you Ugly Boy Floyd in about 10 years or so, because your pops has ugly down to a sweet science my man. Goodness, maybe this Dancing with the Has beens and Never Were is a good career move for you as you transition out of boxing. I wouldn’t wish this kind of human deterioration and degradation your pops or uncle (Roger) have suffered on anybody. Then again, since you’re unwilling to make a good fight for people who pay good money errrr take a hit, you’ll probably be alright for the foreseeable future.

I wonder how Mel B did last night, clearly I wasn’t watching. Too busy watching the boobs of skanks and hizzoes errr looking to see who would find true love on the Bachelor. Ha, I know, horrible show, played concept, but these big breasted, slim waisted white women seemingly never stop emerging from that limo, so I’m compelled to watch. I guess Dancing with the Stars does have thick Mel B, though.

The next to nothing the chicks wear on that show make it somewhat appealing.. We’ll see. I’ll have my interns watching this for me. I can’t commit to it yet. More later.

– Lake

Mel B. Watch: Ooooh Weeee!

The Lawd is good…he knows what I want!

Now Brock was peeping Mel B. back in the spice girls phase back when she had crazy hair and those big ridiculous boots, and she was still bad as hell.  Now I don’t know what Eddie did, but two kids later she’s better?  How the hail did she get here?

My Goodness.  It’s tucked in so tight.

Yeah.  It’s tucked on the right side too…

Now we’ve already established that UvT is full of men that appreciate the tailpiece, but she’s trying to make a brother change his religion.

Even when she walks it out she stays tight.

Look, I don’t know about that high heel/leg warmer combo she’s rocking right now, but it works for me.  Just tell her boy to stop wearing those terrible azz “super deep-super smedium” extra v-neck shirts and they might have a shot.

They might actually make me watch Dancing With the Stars this season…

OK, you know that isn’t going to happen, but I’ll tivo it just in case a booty cheek pops out on live TV.  Now I would watch if they had Mel B. dance with that Cheryl babe.  I couldn’t miss that.  My only question is, if you put that much thickness in one place, does it rip open the time-space continuum and create a black hole?

Sorry too many thick women for a Friday afternoon…Help me please!

-Brock