Top Hispanics Who We Forget Are Hispanic

I love America.  You ask people how they feel about immigration and they are willing to build a wall across the entire Mexican border.  Not the Canadian border mind you, those are nothing more than French speaking white people up there, they must be cool, just the Mexicans…and Haitians…and Cubans who don’t look like Elian Gonzalez.

The same people who are ready to send any actual Spanish speaking person to make a run for the freaking border also think Jessica Alba is freaking hot.

And they would be 100% right, she is hot.  But that got me thinking, there are a lot of Hispanic Celebrities that America just starts treating like they are white people.  I know, Alba just looks like a hot white babe with a tan.  No, she’s Latina.  This never happens to Black people by the way, no matter how many white people like you, you’re still Black.  So let’s explore this phenomenon, here is a list:

First, the aforementioned Jessica Alba.  The only time she even remotely claimed her Hispanic heritage was when she paid “hip hop chick” in Honey.

Yeah, that was about as convincing as Mariah Carey playing a hard on her luck Black chick in “Glitter“.

Second there’s Cameron Diaz:

Somehow she just became everyone ‘s favorite skinny white chick.  Her last name is Diaz people, and her hair is not naturally blonde.

Alex Rodriguez:

Ok fine.  I don’t really think that people forget that A Rod is Hispanic.  Although his white wife and “biggest contract in all of sports ever” seems to point to the fact that most people don’t associate Alex Rodriguez with these dudes.

That picture has nothing to do with anything.  It is just fully ridiculous.

Next, there is Eva Longoria:

I guess she gets a pass because she’s hot?  Don’t get me wrong, she’s got a pretty face.  I know Lake and the interns like her, but I really can’t pinpoint why.  Her body is only decent, nothing really stands out about it.  Biel’s got the tail, Britney had the legs, and Paris had the sex tape.  I just don’t know why I care about this chick yet.

Jennifer Lopez probably doesn’t belong on this list.  She played Selena, so she doesn’t exactly shy away from Hispanic Roles.  Here’s the deal, she was definitely drifting somewhere around the Diddy/Ben Affleck years.

The key difference here?  That ass always let you know you were dealing with something special.

Damn, she really lets that thang hang.  Yeah, no one thought they were dealing with a white girl here.

Here’s the real killer.  Charlie and Martin Sheen:

Charlie, do you think we really forgot you have a brother named Emilio Estevez?  Hell, Martin Sheen’s real name is Mondergard Ramón Gerardo Antonio Estévez.    Mondergard?  Doesn’t get more authentic than that. That sounds like a name you choose when you start playing World of Warcraft.  I think Mondergard is a level 37 Dwarf Shaman.  Even Charlie’s real name is Carlos Estevez.

I know the Sheen family meeting where Emilio decided he wasn’t “selling out” the family name and staying a Estevez had to be heated.  The messed up thing?  Emilio hasn’t had a hot movie since “Young Guns“.  I guess becoming “Eddie Sheen” wouldn’t have been such a bad idea after all.

-Brock

Britney Jr. is Preggers, of course she is!!!

The blogs are blowing up about Jaime Lynn Spears being pregnant. Well, of course she’s pregnant, she’s Jaime Lynn Spears aka Britney Jr. Jr. which means two things, 1. She’s f*cking all the time and 2. She’s country stupid. Remember this?

Brit was showing her the ropes back then and from the look of the expression on that face, she already had some ahem field study underway. Jaime Lynn is now the same age Britney was when she unleashed the freak back in her first recording days. It’s only natural that a 16 year old Jaime will endeavor to cut raw dog and get knocked up just like her sister did back then.

The questions is not “Is she Pregnant?”, if you’re a Spears girl and above the age of 15, you’re either preggers or fixin to be, the issue is whether she’ll be preggers for long! My guess is no.

Come on now, yall know Brit was 5 months away from either “gonna be pregnant” or “used to be pregnant” in that shot. It’s just the way of the young and stupid freak.

Damn, I’m always surprised at how tight Britney used to look. Intern, run another Brit pic at me for old times sake.

Oh yes, I remember it well. My goodness, it’s pretty crazy when you consider how far she’s fallen off.

– Lake

——–UPDATE———

Damn.  That is messed up. I was going to put ol’ Jamie-Lynn on the watch list for the second coming of Britney.  She had a shot once she filled out and got the Spears family boob job.  At least Britney got a few glory years in.  Now Brit Jr. is going to go straight from this:

To this:

By the way, the interns found this pic I had never seen before.

She just propped right up in those boots, huh?  Damn…the thrill is gone.  The best part of the internet may just be the instantly accessible preservation of these memories.

-Brock

Mitt Romney talks religion in Texas

Today, Presidential hopeful Mitt Hendrickson errrr Romney tried to explain away his religious beliefs to a bunch of zealots and freaks down there in the heart of Texas. Thanks Mitt, but I’m quite sure we already know what you’re about. We’ve all got HBO.

I just want to meet that Margene. She’s a handful, aint she?

Oh and Mitt, don’t bother with those lunatics down there in the “Bible Belt.” Bigotry and racism doesn’t just wash off with Hurricane Katrina water and guess what, THEY DON’T LIKE YOUR KIND, never will. It takes some time for those old coots to die off, get some edumacation and such.

Then again, up until 1970s, your religion thought blacks “carried the mark of Cain” and you guys did officially say the only way a black person could receive salvation from your Heavenly Father was as a slave….Wow, so righteous! So come to think about it, maybe you and them good fellers down there will get along jus’ fine. Only, be sure not to mention Massachusetts, Utah, Harvard, Priesthood Holders, your previous position on abortion, and definitely don’t talk about your boy Roman Grant, his son Alby or the compound.

Take cur now, ya hee-ya?

– Lake, living ‘the Principle’ errryday

Shaunie ‘$30 Mil’ O’Neal to the World: “Big Stacks, my pockets on Creatine”

The soon to be Mrs. O’Neal has plenty to be thankful for this year.

Shaunie O’Neal’s purported assets were revealed as a result of a court filing on Wednesday. And what did little mama claim she had? After merely five years of marriage and seemingly 5-18 kids she says she’s got:

• $450,000 in cash and stocks as assets.
• The couple’s $25 million Star Island home in Miami Beach
• An L.A. Condo
• A $3.95 million home in Orlando An additional Condo in Miami
• Several businesses valued at $250,000
• Liberty Grill, a Los Angeles eatery valued at $250,000

For the rest of this post, just envision Kanye’s “Gold Digger” playing. Ahem, anyway, she’s supposed to have $30 million in total assets.

I know big fella, I know. I guess there is a reason to allow a real life sasquatch to bang you out and endure the birth of pound infants for the better part of 7 years (they had a few before they got married). Forget the $30 mil, Shaunie deserves a Purple Heart for letting this dude murk.

Scary.

Oh but she got hers and that’s before the divorce goes through. Now I read that Shaq had an airtight prenuptial agreement per Eddie Murphy and Kanye West’s advice.

If that’s so, how in the hell could Shaunie claim that $25 million crib on Star Island as her own? That can’t be right. At best she gets half of that joint, which is still a good pay day for a baby maker who is allegedly getting her body “back in shape” by getting hammered by her Cuban trainer. How many pesos does $30 make? How many times did she use that other Miami condo, the one Shaq reportedly didn’t know about, to get her “Livin La Vida Loca” on with ole Telemundo?

Men, don’t let your women go out to dance that Salsa alone and if you’ve got Shaq stacks, just go ahead and put a private investigator on your wife at all times.

I would say Shaq is getting screwed, but when you consider how Strahan took it up the arse, got his shit sold out in front of his mansion and then was accused of being gay by his wife, $30 million is getting off easy for the Big Aristotle…

– Lake

Trapped in the closet: Another gay Republican is exposed

Oh look, two weeks have passed so I guess it’s time for yet another Gay, Anti-Gay hypocrite Republican story. Let’s see who we got this time. Meet State Senator Rep. Richard “Dick” Curtis (R) from Washington State (and no I’m not making up that nickname. Not only is he a phony gay cat, but he’s a Dick, literally, LOL).

(What’s the deal with these walrus looking gay cats? Boy, this must be an interview, because homey is sweating like an Oz prison bitch with Schillinger and the boys around the corner in this pic. Yikes.)

Anyway, it was reported that some dude out in Spokane, Washington was trying to extort $1,000 out of Senator Dick. Dude said he was just looking for payment for ahem services rendered after a tryst in a hotel…You see, it turns out ole boy was a male prostitute. Awww heeell naw.

Whoa, this fool looks like a deflated John Cena. Not the upside down visor piece. Homo thugs activate. Anyway, the male prostitute was later identified as Cody Castagna, pictured above. Cody said that they had sex in the hotel room with Senator Curtis, but that the Senator Dick didn’t want to pay up after the deed was done. I guess Dick figured he’d put that ass on layaway (ok, even that was too much for me..haa). Wrong. WRONG. Ole boy wanted his stack piece right then and threatened to out Senator Dick for being a closeted gay man with a wife and three kids… Supa uglay!!

Worst of all, Senator Dick was a strong supporter of what? You guessed it, Anti Gay legislation!!!! Ding, ding, ding!!!! In 2005 and 2006, Curtis voted against a bill that granted civil rights protections to gays and lesbians. In 2007, Curtis voted against a bill that created domestic partnerships for same-sex couples. Still, both bills passed despite his opposition.

Initially on Monday when the story broke, ole Senator Dick said publicly “I am not gay, I have not had sex with a guy. I was just trying to help someone out” Is that what they’re calling it these days? Perhaps he needs to get with fellow “not gay until we found out he had sex with mens” fix-it man/con artist Ted Haggard, the once leader of some 10 million evangelical Christians.

Give him a week and he’ll knock that gay stain right off and he’ll keep it off. I mean, after all, he’s cured and delivered.. good as new.

(Uh Ted, I think it’d be best if you just stopped taking the knee all together. Thx)

You’ll be rejuvinated, purified, sanctified and feeling like your old, self righteous self again.

Anyway, once the story unraveled some, then it all started to come out. First, someone saw Senator Curtis at an adult store dressed up as a damn woman (wow) having a “sexual act” performed on him that very same day by “a man with a cane”… Ok, I’m uncomfortable. The workers at the store said that Senator Curtis came to the store often, “he’s our cross-dresser” they said… Wow. Senator Curtis’ reaction upon hearing all the beans spilling was, and I’m not making this up, “I need a divorce lawyer”…. haaaaa Ya think? These gay, anti gay cats are hilarious. They kind of remind me of the fictional blind, black white supremacist character, Clayton Bigsby, on the Chappelle Show.

When will they learn? This cat didn’t mind anti-gay legislation because all of his gay shit was happening on the down low, just how he likededed that shit. Fucking awful. Guess what player, in case you didn’t notice:

And everyone knows it… I guess that’s why he resigned today and now Cody Castagna, the gay prostitute dude, is doing interviews saying he was victimized by the Senator. Yikes… Senator, next time you better just pay up. I hope the G spot you saved on some premium homo thug tail was worth your entire career, reputation and marriage.

Don’t worry, some other hypocrite will just take his place. It will be some cat who doesn’t want drugs near schools, but yet he’s a coke addict. Or some cat who wants to “strengthen the family” as long as it doesn’t interfere with them hoes he’s got on the side. I love the GOP. So brave. So Moral. So brazen. So hypocritical.

– Lake

Dirty Harry: Prince’s sex tape exposed?

You all probably heard about the plot to blackmail a member of the Royal family with an alleged sex tape that shows a Royal receiving oral sex and doing cocaine.

(Look at Harry with a handful of tittays)

Let’s just call this one straight, we all know it was Harry. Who else would be banging out on tape?

You know Harry was dranking that Chrissy, snorting that cocaine and getting after several hoes on camera. That’s what Harry does. He’s a wild boy, known to be the “naughty one”…

It should be hilarious when the tape actually does come out because as with all things, there’s never just one copy. Especially if they were trying to sell it back to Harry and his fam. If there is one thing I learned in my Brit Lit class it’s that Harry loves the hoes and hoes love Harry!!!!

(Party like a rockstar H)

Gotta be the red headed bandit, right?

– Lake

==========Update===========

As a bonus for all you low cats out there, I was looking for a copy of the Prince Harry tape and ran across this. Now normally, my moral code wouldn’t allow me to post this.

But the deleterious effect you crazy readers are having on me is beginning to take hold. Here you go, a sex tape of a 19 year old Argentinian actress, Maria Fernanda Telesco (aka “Chachi”), who starred in their version of High School Musical. If Prince Harry’s tape is this hot, maybe he should change his profession. Uh, did anyone else know these Argentinian babes were this hot? Wow.

Shaq’s wife livin la vida loca on the DL?

(Shaq says “peace out” to Shaunie for allegedly “getting her empanada on” with an unnamed Latin lover)

Yo, when I saw the story that Shaq and his wife, Shaunie, were splitting I thought to myself what everybody usually thinks when a couple break up. “Too bad, I hope they’re both able to be happy eventually“.. Or “Hey, they say marriage is a 50/50 prospect” and I guess you just kind of accept that it’s even harder when a cat is rich and famous like Shaq because let’s face it, on the open dating market, he’s got every option in the world.

Anyway, I thought the same about Shaq and Shaunie, hence, no post on here because it wasn’t really big news. That was until I heard that:

1. Shaunie is selling Shaq’s stuff on Ebay and hiding the proceeds;

2. Shaq had an airtight Prenuptial Agreement (at least he knew it could be shaky); and

3. Shaunie supposedly has had a one year affair with her Cuban personal trainer (¿QUÉ?) and allegedly has been taking Shaq’s money and giving it to this cat which included her purchase of a HOUSE that Shaq Diesel did not know about!!!! WOW

(isn’t it funny how a previously innocent picture with a smile suddenly looks shady? Check out that “twankle” in her eye. Guys, if your lady has that twankle, leave her immediately, lest she make a run for the boarder on yo’ azz…shady man)

Shaq said that Shaunie was “secretive about her assets”… sheeeyut, you aint lied. This man Shaq had endorsement deals, title runs, all kinds of appearances and such, meanwhile, Shaunie was getting “worked out” probably just about everyday. Meanwhile, the chick has like 6 kids, 5 by a real life Chewbacca:

But yet, her body is looking like she’s ready to go and try to be the Next Pussycat Doll or something.

(she does look niiice.. Boy, you know ole Cubano was really getting after that)

She looks too fresh, too revived.. I mean what could those “workout sessions” have entailed? I don’t even want to think about it. All I know is that this Cuban cat best watch his back. It aint like he’s messing with Mr. Parker’s wife from Friday or something. I mean, this cat is nooooooooo joke. He could come at you on some, “I’ve got all the money in the world, m people will handle it and nobody will ever find you” or he could really get on some wild ShaqFu inspired gangsta sh*t and literally whoop that dude’s ass beyond recognition.

I don’t know. I always just figured cats know not to mess with certain people’s wives and Shaq squarely falls within that category right behind Mike Tyson, Allen Iverson, and Chris Benoit (ooh, I feel bad for that one). I mean, this dude is 7, 2 ish, 350 ish and ATHLETIC, which basically means, he aint to be played wit unless you’ve got similar physical stats:

(Like this dude)

But I guess this sort of thing isn’t too unprecedented, after all, this sort of thing was the basis for R. Kelly’s smash hit “Down Low” and as crazy as “Kelly” is, you know that was autobiographical.

whooooo wee.. that’s a good throwback if you’re a true Kelly fan like me. Mr. Bigs wasn’t f*cking around either. Watching that joint makes me think of the Shaq v. Rico Suave version:

(Warning, this is NOT funny unless you played the video and can follow the cadence of these lyrics)

The original is “Down Low” and the Spanglish version is called “Bajo”:

Bajo Bajo

Ooooooooooh-whoooo-oooooooh

Bajo Bajo

Ohhhhhhhhhhhhh

Bajo, Bajo

Whooooooaaa-ohhhhhh

Bajo Bajo

Ju stretch out me

Die stretch out ju

Wha’ we gone do ’bout dis freaky ‘shady’ love e-ffair

If Mr. Shaq come home and catch us Hey-Zeus Cristo

He might kill me, I aint legal, immigration isn’t fair

Somethin about all dis money and me casa Shaunie got me

How he no see, I like the shape that she in too

Stoopid gringo he no no ‘bout Cuban sandwich or me hip shake

Valid fear, 350 plus y 7, 2 (seven twoooooooo)

– Senor Lake