Archive for the ‘Lauren Conrad’ Category

The Hills: Why am I watching this show?

August 20, 2007

Dammit, I was good not knowing this show at all.


My lady tried to put me on last year and not surprisingly, it was barely watchable. Sadly, it’s far better than The Real World: Sydney, so I might as well talk about it.

1. Spencer is a complete d*ck – Gotta love it


I know I liked this dude when he kicked his lady, Heidi, out of his BMW 6, which not so shockingly is the same ride young Lakey the Don pushes around town. That was good, but did yall see when he got the apartment he’s sharing with his lady painted in graffiti? Hilarious and yes, that “artwork” was awful.


I would tell all you aspiring Spencers out there NOT to follow his lead, but I know it’s futile as a minimum of at least 50 metro-sexual park taners who probably are thinking about corrective surgery for their calves, have already copied Spence’s idea and spray painted their crib. Losers.

2. Heidi looked better pre-fake boobs, but she’s sexier now


It’s hard to say, even as I write, but I liked Heidi last year. She always looked tight, gear was right, hair on point. I just knew that she’d look right with the most fashionable sh*t each time I saw her. Then she upgraded, threw some D’s on that shit (here are the old breasts) and it all changed.


(I can’t lie, sometimes that original white woman, with the old school arse, is what you still want and need)

Sure, her new body makes a dude want to hit, and I guess that’s what’s most important, but she lost her luster for that good girl status. Before, she was the girl you wanted to keep, make your lady, now she’s just a chick you want to cut. Of course, I prefer her in cut mode, but again let me just say that this show generally and their relationship especially, cannot be real (this wasn’t helped by rumors of Heidi’s single that just came out on the internet, please). That whole ring purchase, all 5 minutes of it with no discussion of clarity, cut — hell, ring finger size, was laughable. Oh well, I guess it’s like pro wrestling. Even though you know it’s fake, it’s still fun to have the debate.

3. Lauren is terrible


Don’t be fooled fans, this pic is hot (can you say airbrush?), but what about this one?


Oh yes, there is nothing interesting about this chick. She is that babe you just can’t stand. All she does is sit around, talk mess and underachieve. She’s not as pretty as Heidi or that chick Whitney, not as cool as my main man Spencer, and she’s not even as sexy as her new roommate/homey Audrina who has that dirty chick kind of appeal (but not really). I can’t tell if Lauren is chubby or if she’s just got a boring shape with basically nothing to offer…all I know is that she adds nothing to the show and he feud with Spencer is a no-brainer for Heidi. You gotta go with Spencer. Lauren was nothing until I heard she had a sex tape, then she said it wasn’t real, so she’s literally got no value at this point. The show needs a new focal character if it’s going to keep me watching…. Oh and that Lauren boob job is about one full season late at this point. Come on MTV.. throw some Ds on that b*tch so we can spice this thing up!

At any rate, I think the new Hills is tonight…I may watch. We shall see.

– Lake?