Archive for the ‘Heidi Montag’ Category

Top Ten Hollywood Breasts List…YES!

July 3, 2008

Hey, I didn’t come up with this list but I’m happy to discuss it. You know, as I look down at this InTouch Weekly “Best Hollywood Tits” list, I’m actually kind of embarrassed that I know all these broads. Ahh, who am I kidding, let’s get going on this here list. Now remember, this is the list according to InTouch Weekly.. Not us. But we have plenty to say.

1. Jessica Simpson

Yep, the top titty goes to Jessica Simpson. Wouldn’t have been my choice, but I can live with it.

After all, even her pops said that her ridiculous J’s were top notch.

Now you know you’ve got some serious tittay when pops is peeping them on the slide.

2. Tyra Banks

Say what? Now I know Tyra’s got giant J’s, but does she really belong inside the top three of ALL the breast tah sis in Hollywood?

Sure, her fundamentals are sound and she used to have the rest of the body to go with it. But this is a current J list, not a historical retrospective. The classic Janet song “What Have You Done For Me Lately” seems to come to mind. Answer?

Not enough. Not even close.

3. Scarlett Johansson

Ummmm, HELL YES!!! I’m not sure how it’s possible, but I think this chick is underrated across the board. Maybe it’s the lack of a nude photo shoot and sex tape. Hopefully someone can remedy that. But on the boobs front, she’s LOVELY.

Gotta run that one more gin.

4. Carmen Electra

Huh? Is she even in show business anymore? Why not Pamela Anderson? Hell, Loni Anderson.

And maybe it’s just me, but shouldn’t there be a reasonable expectation that the boobs are actually real if you’re going to call them the 4th best set in all of Hollywood? At least pic a chick with a debate, like Kimmy K…. With Carmen, she’ll tell you her joints are fake. Nah, I can’t support that.

5. Lindsay Lohan

Again, anyone who knows this blog understands my affection for Lindsay Lohan.

She’s one of my favorite celebs and yes, those ridiculous J’s have something to do with it.

On the J front, Lindsay has it all and we’ve seen it all.

You can’t hate, not on this discussion. Definitely underrated and waaaaay under appreciated. Her breasts I mean…lol.

6. Katherine Heigl

I recognize that this near no talent chick would be nothing without the superior boobs, but I just don’t like this broad.

That’s right, I don’t like her, can’t stand that character “Izzy” or whatever it is on Grey’s Anatomy and just can’t get past all the bullshit, yes, even for a pair of advanced J’s like those.

She doesn’t even make my list. Terrible. Though she does look reaaaaaally good in this next pic.

Mercy!

7. Audrina Patridge

Whaaat? You don’t mean to tell me we all feel for that completely transparent “I did some nudes back in the day and now they will be released the day before my show so please make me a star” treatment?

You bet we did. And please note how much she has truly stepped up that belly game. Wow. This babe is everywhere right now. If she had a shred of talent she’d really have something too. Though, I must say, having the nude pictures of her to refer back to whenever I see her looking right in a magazine or online is a nice luxury.

8. Jennifer Aniston

Come on now. Jennifer aint been hot since Ross was hittin’. Again, just too old, too romantic comedy. It’s just not right. Sure she’s got some J’s (NSFW), she wouldn’t be in the business if she didn’t.

But come on. She does not have some of the best tits in all of Hollywood. But these NSFW of Aniston are worth a peep. Half the time she doesn’t even have the best tits in her own relationship. She’s literally not in the same conversation with these other babes. Horrible.

9. Megan Fox

Ah, I don’t buy it. This seems very political. I do like that she stands for the fact that a chick doesn’t have to have monster boobs for them to be sexy, but this chick is not a top flight titty talent.

I mean, come on. She doesn’t have the chops and never will until she orders that full upgrade. Right? She’s got average J’s just for a regular girl, but in Hollywood, she’s squarely below average. Hell, most of the regular women walk around with better ones than that. Not even close.

10. Beyonce

Huh? Did I miss something? I don’t know, maybe B’s tittays wrote the lyrics to “Upgrade”…wait no, that was Jay Z. Curses. I hate to do this because I like Beyonce a lot. But she has no damn business on this list.

I think she’s beautiful, but if you forced me to diss her, right after I spoke on that assortment of unacceptable weaves, I’d go right to the breasts. I mean, she’s keeping it real and natural as she should and she looks damn good chest and all.

So there you have it. Are you satisfied? I’m not. I mean, where was Kim Kardashian, Halle Berry, JESSICA BIEL, hell, Mel B., Gisele….I mean, the list goes on and on. Sorry, I can’t endorse this list period. Let me give you my list.

1. Lindsay Lohan

2. Scarlett Johansson

3. Jessica Simpson

4. Kim Kardashian

5. Salma Hayek

6. Jessica Biel

7. Katherine Heigl (what can I say, that pic is still in my head)

8. Halle Berry

9. Mel B.

10. Audrina Patridge (hey, she’s already been mentioned, what could I do?)

Honorable mention: Serena Williams (don’t sleep)

Then I have to add a section for best fake boobs in the business. Christina Aguilera, Britney Spears, Tila Tequila, Pam Anderson and Heidi Montage.

Damn, after all that, even I’ve grown tired of tittays. I must be getting really old.

– Lake

Ho’n it up for Press Coverage

January 13, 2008

Heidi Montag knows how she’s gonna stay relevant going forward. Invite the press on vacation and give them lots of non staged, candid photos. Hell, “The Hills” is completely scripted, why not script the photo ops too? Let’s check out the completely off guard and random photos:

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First a little Baywatch tribute. I’m actually sure this has to be better in video than it is in still pictures. Actually maybe not, do those things actually move independently?

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Then she props it up for the camera. Look, you know this is staged in Spencer is reading Fortune magazine. He’d usually have a comic book, a WWE magazine, or his book on “how to look like you are the actual devil at every opportunity”.

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Fine, now she is just looking straight at the camera. This is getting ridiculous. So it is all posed. Here’s my question, if that is the case…why would she ever do this?

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Damn, I can’t tell if that means the price of fame is getting higher or lower…

-Brock

Heidi Montag is on the cover of Maxim

January 8, 2008

It’s been a while since we showcased a throwback white woman on these pages, so we figured The Hills of Heidi Montage would be a good start.

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Natural looking blond hair with the perfect highlights, check. Semi-slutty, “I was givin some head” skimpy lingerie, check. Dark and mysterious eye shadow, check. Enhanced cans, chiizeck. Super smooth “I rarely eat but definitely hit that gym and all the designer gear is made for me” stomach piece, check. Hey, when you’re dealing with any of these Hills chicks your knee jerk reaction is to hate. Well, I guess I’m kind of hatin’ a little bit, but overall, I’m not mad at this picture. Heidi is who we thought she was, that original white woman that will never completely go out of style.

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Is that her hair? Probably not. Are those her breasts?

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Hells no. Does she give you the new day, thick white woman tailpiece?

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Nah. Shoot, I was shocked that she had this much. I’m a bit dubious. This might be where the airbrush of god snuck in there and added a little under arch. Regardless, she’s the original chick and it’s like my boy Jurgens told me, “I don’t care about ass, I don’t use the ass. So it doesn’t matter to me if she’s got one.” Amen brother. I hear that and can’t hate on it. It’s honest, undoubtedly true and the precise reason why Heidi will never go out of style. Still, that pelvis on bone love can’t be too hot. I guess it’s just all in the game and part of the landscape. In the end, we haven’t learned anything new about Ms. Montage or that terrible show.

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I actually prefer these paparazzi pictures of Heidi in her element to these posed and airbrushed joints. One thing we know for sure, she really is that skinny. Can’t lie, that stomach piece is right.
– Lake

The Hills: Why am I watching this show?

August 20, 2007

Dammit, I was good not knowing this show at all.

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My lady tried to put me on last year and not surprisingly, it was barely watchable. Sadly, it’s far better than The Real World: Sydney, so I might as well talk about it.

1. Spencer is a complete d*ck – Gotta love it

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I know I liked this dude when he kicked his lady, Heidi, out of his BMW 6, which not so shockingly is the same ride young Lakey the Don pushes around town. That was good, but did yall see when he got the apartment he’s sharing with his lady painted in graffiti? Hilarious and yes, that “artwork” was awful.

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I would tell all you aspiring Spencers out there NOT to follow his lead, but I know it’s futile as a minimum of at least 50 metro-sexual park taners who probably are thinking about corrective surgery for their calves, have already copied Spence’s idea and spray painted their crib. Losers.

2. Heidi looked better pre-fake boobs, but she’s sexier now

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It’s hard to say, even as I write, but I liked Heidi last year. She always looked tight, gear was right, hair on point. I just knew that she’d look right with the most fashionable sh*t each time I saw her. Then she upgraded, threw some D’s on that shit (here are the old breasts) and it all changed.

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(I can’t lie, sometimes that original white woman, with the old school arse, is what you still want and need)

Sure, her new body makes a dude want to hit, and I guess that’s what’s most important, but she lost her luster for that good girl status. Before, she was the girl you wanted to keep, make your lady, now she’s just a chick you want to cut. Of course, I prefer her in cut mode, but again let me just say that this show generally and their relationship especially, cannot be real (this wasn’t helped by rumors of Heidi’s single that just came out on the internet, please). That whole ring purchase, all 5 minutes of it with no discussion of clarity, cut — hell, ring finger size, was laughable. Oh well, I guess it’s like pro wrestling. Even though you know it’s fake, it’s still fun to have the debate.

3. Lauren is terrible

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Don’t be fooled fans, this pic is hot (can you say airbrush?), but what about this one?

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Oh yes, there is nothing interesting about this chick. She is that babe you just can’t stand. All she does is sit around, talk mess and underachieve. She’s not as pretty as Heidi or that chick Whitney, not as cool as my main man Spencer, and she’s not even as sexy as her new roommate/homey Audrina who has that dirty chick kind of appeal (but not really). I can’t tell if Lauren is chubby or if she’s just got a boring shape with basically nothing to offer…all I know is that she adds nothing to the show and he feud with Spencer is a no-brainer for Heidi. You gotta go with Spencer. Lauren was nothing until I heard she had a sex tape, then she said it wasn’t real, so she’s literally got no value at this point. The show needs a new focal character if it’s going to keep me watching…. Oh and that Lauren boob job is about one full season late at this point. Come on MTV.. throw some Ds on that b*tch so we can spice this thing up!

At any rate, I think the new Hills is tonight…I may watch. We shall see.

– Lake?