Big Brother 10: Ollie is a Son of A…

Preacher man.  What did you think I was going to say?

For those who aren’t up on Big Brother 10 (and why not?  This is solid summer programming)  Let me tell you about Ollie (real name Bryan Ollie).  This brother is the son of a preacher, has never had a sip of the devils nectar (he doesn’t drink), doesn’t curse, doesn’t smoke, played Football on full scholarship at Iowa State.  His father’s church is the real deal.  I’m talking faith healing, speaking in tongues, the whole nine.  I mean he really sounds like a good wholesome dude.

Oh and another thing?  Ollie is banging out April, the blonde haired white girl in the house like the next time might be his last time.

I’m talking about in broad daylight under a blanket.  I’m talking about in night vision.  Not to mention the fact that there is a straight up 24 hour a day live webcam feed going on in the house.  That means that everytime they get busy, that joint is being beamed all over the world live.

Now I haven’t been to church in a long time, but who cares if you don’t drink when you will cut on the internet live?  I doesn’t seem that impressive if you flaunt your principles and you are having sex every which-a-way.  Aren’t we picking our sins here?

I’m sure Ollie has the “I LV GSUS” licence plate.  I’m sure he doesn’t eat pork because he does not “partake in the cloven hoof”.  He is probably firm in his belief that all Jews and Muslims are going straight to hell because they have not accepted Jesus as their lord and savior.  Unprotected, premarital sex?  Hey, everyone needs one vice, right?

Look, normally I wouldn’t point this out, but Ollie ain’t making love here.  Once April won some privacy up in the HOH room, Ollie started fuckin.  I mean gettin it.  Don’t believe me?  Peep this. (NSFW, don’t turn up the volume either)

There hasn’t been night vision action like that since Paris Hilton.  It really starts getting loose at long about the 2:50 mark.  I didn’t watch it, but that is what I hear.  I mean slap it up, flip it, rub it down Ohhnooooooooo!

Look, when I saw that Ollie was that classic, comfortable with everyone football player, but I didn’t know he could run game like that.  I mean is it part of what they cover in practice?

That’s not Ollie, but you can tell they we’re trained in the game at the same school.  Look at this cat.  Got six chicks throwing the shocker.

Ollie.  You have one of the strongest games I’ve ever seen on Big Brother.  In fact, you might be the US Reality pimp of all time.  Sure your lady let an old dude grab her j’s on national tv as soon as she walked into the house, but she’s still a catch.  Oh, and she caught you giving Janelle a little too much love the other night.  Blonde girls are your kryptonite, huh?

Play on Playa.  Us Versus Them salutes you.

-Brock

Tropic Thunder: This Looks Hilarious

Robert Downey Jr. is in the movie of the year. No, not Iron Man…Tropic Thunder. Wait hear me out on this. Here’s Robert Downey Jr.

Everyone knows RDJ. But here he is in Tropic Thunder as Kirk Lazarus:

Offended by his black face performance? Sure, maybe at first, but somehow it works. Here’s the joke, Downey Jr is playing a white man who is playing a white man who is cast as a Black man in a movie. So he commits hard and stays in character no matter what. Seriously, you’ve got to watch this

That looks like it is worth seeing.

-Brock

Man Up Monday: The Morehouse Man

Or is that the Man of Morehouse?  You all know that Morehouse is the pinnacle of the Black college experience.  They are a proud, proud bunch of men.

You’ve got every kind of brother here.  Bowtie Brother.  Proud sweatshirt Brother.  Dreadlock brother.  Successful business brother…and if I wear this suit I’ll look like a successful business brother.  I think when you get there you are a Man of Morehouse, and when you leave you are a Morehouse Man.  Or maybe it is the other way around.  The funny thing is it works both ways…that shit doesn’t make sense.

Well either way there are some brothers at Morehouse who are not happy this morning.  Here is the 2008 valedictorian, Joshua Packwood.

Awwwwwww damn.  Is nothing sacred?  The white boy came in and dropped a 4.0 on Morehouse.  Morehouse man, man of Morehouse.  Nobody wanted to step up and box this dude out?  You know, make him pledge Que or something so his grades would get jacked up for a semester.

You know the proud sisters of Spelman also thought they had found the ultimate white boy who appreciated Black culture.  You know ol’ Josh had his killer crossover game tight.  Even the most bohemian, poetry slamming, natural hair wearing sister gave Josh some play.

So this is to the men of Morehouse.  You can’t let this happen again. Dude was probably an African-American studies major.  You cats need to Man Up on this one.  Make some study groups.  Let the power of Black Pride make you wake up in the morning.  You can’t just let a white boy roll up in the spot and establish himself as an authority on Black Culture.  You can’t let him legitimize himself as the best of what Black institutions have to offer.  First, you let a white boy do that, then next thing you know they are trying to take over the world.  Is nothing sacred?  Wait a minute.  I just realized…I’ve got to go have a talk with Lake…dammit!

-Brock

————UPDATE————–

How did I miss the fact that this dude’s last name is “Packwood”?  Is there anything more pimpin’ than that?  With a name like that he was definitely up on the sisters.  Is there a better white boy trying to pick up a sister name than that? 

Spelman Sister: I don’t know.  I’ve never dated a white boy before.  I don’t know what that’s like.

JP:  My last name is Packwood, baby.  Pack.  Wood.  Know what I’m sayin’?  I think I might have something you’ll like.

In fact, the interns were able to pull a pic of Playa Packwood and his girlfriend off the internets.

Josh is rocking the full on shadow and the bad girlfriend who I’ve got on good authority would fall into the “Us” category of body type.  Nice work Josh!

By the way, Lake and I were discussing why a white dude as valedictorian of Morehouse hasn’t happened before.  We realized that most white boys who bring the kind of academic heat to be valedictorian at a major academic institution probably isn’t electing to go get that “cultural experience” over at Morehouse.  They are either down the street at Georgia Tech or they took that ride to Athens to chill between the hedges at Georgia.

-Brock

Dress Codes are a Mothaf*cka!

You know what I hate? Dress codes. You know dress codes are racist, right?

Here’s an example of the dress code for Lucky Strike, which is a f’ing bowling alley…a little full of itself, right? Check it out.

No Sweats or Sports Jerseys

No Sleeveless or Excessively Baggy T-Shirts

No Construction Boots

No Headgear (which I assume means hats and not those things Lake had to wear in high school)

(If you didn’t get the point the first time) No Excessively Baggy Clothing

No Plain White Short or Long Sleeve T-Shirts

No Chains

No team logos or gear

Listen, I’m down with no shirt, no shoes, no service rules all day. If you roll into a spot looking like you are about to chill by a pool or step into the Octagon, I don’t want your half naked ass anywhere near me, so I can handle that. I also understand hitting a nice restaurant in flip flops, jeans and the grubby ass t-shirt you got for signing up for a credit card in high school. Those are wide open rules that can be pretty evenly applied. The rules here though…they might as well say “don’t dress like a Black person.”

Case in point. Let’s do a little multiple choice. All three of these people are technically breaking the rules. Who isn’t getting in the club?

Sorry buddy. Long sleeve white T…not getting in. Yeah right.

Excuse me miss. No short sleeve white t’s. I’m afraid you and your headlights are not welcome here.

Excuse me sir. You appear to be a menace to society. Please bowl elsewhere. Seriously. This young brother doesn’t have a chance. He’s not getting in. Meanwhile Ms Pam Anderson up there is probably the most inappropriate of the three. Meanwhile all three of them supposedly wouldn’t get in. You know good and damn well that the “no white t-shirt” rule does not apply to the fitted crew neck Brad Pitt is rocking. It just doesn’t. So why is it there? Because black people like to wear plain white t-shirts and this is a way to keep them out. At the door Brad isn’t getting a second look.  Not never.

Let’s take another look. Dress codes are designed to keep a place looking good right? Keep the place looking respectable, keep it grown and sexy. I get that. So, these guys are basically the epitome of people who aren’t getting in to this spot.

Let’s see, headgear, Excessively baggy shirts and excessively baggy clothing, and chains. Not getting in. But this guy:

Come on in buddy. Those pink crocs really bring out the orange spots in your daisy shorts.

Seriously. That outfit is all good according to this dress code. Birkenstock guy gets in too. As does douchebag overtanned big hair guy, and pop four collars guy.  All those guys are inappropriate as hell.

All I’m saying is this. You know good and damn well what the dress code is set up for. No one wants any of the people above in that club. But the rules don’t prevent them from getting in. “Excessively baggy” just means you get to make a judgment call at the door. When was the last time you saw a fat person in some tight ass gear? They like to keep it loose. Let the air flow.

So now fat people can’t get in? But this guy is sooooo jolly. Sorry big fella, your pants are too loose…I need to see those pants gripping up on those thigh rolls if you want to bowl here tonight. Of course not, this guy is going to get in too.

So fake bouncers at this fake ass club. Loosen up.

-Brock

Can Someone Come Get Lake’s Little Sister?

Lake,

We need to talk.  I know you like kicking it with the brothers.  I know you’ve grown to like fat asses, appreciate the thick white woman, and enjoy the hip-hop music.  This is important.  We’ve got more than 2.5 Million hits, you are a role model now.  But I’m not talking about the loyal UvT readers.  I’m talking about your little sister…Jane Arlington.

When was the last time you saw Jane?  Have you ever met ‘yo girl’ Lil’ J?  I didn’t think so.  Here was her message to a schoolyard rival:

Lake, I’ve got something to share with you.  You’re cool, it’s all good with me.  But putting on her ‘black’ voice and talking all this shit is bound to get your little sister’s ass whooped!  It is time for an intervention.  Take her webcam, shut down her myspace page, and turn on some Friends reruns, or Seinfeld, something…damn.  Thanks.

Your Boy,

-Brock

Britney Jr. is Preggers, of course she is!!!

The blogs are blowing up about Jaime Lynn Spears being pregnant. Well, of course she’s pregnant, she’s Jaime Lynn Spears aka Britney Jr. Jr. which means two things, 1. She’s f*cking all the time and 2. She’s country stupid. Remember this?

Brit was showing her the ropes back then and from the look of the expression on that face, she already had some ahem field study underway. Jaime Lynn is now the same age Britney was when she unleashed the freak back in her first recording days. It’s only natural that a 16 year old Jaime will endeavor to cut raw dog and get knocked up just like her sister did back then.

The questions is not “Is she Pregnant?”, if you’re a Spears girl and above the age of 15, you’re either preggers or fixin to be, the issue is whether she’ll be preggers for long! My guess is no.

Come on now, yall know Brit was 5 months away from either “gonna be pregnant” or “used to be pregnant” in that shot. It’s just the way of the young and stupid freak.

Damn, I’m always surprised at how tight Britney used to look. Intern, run another Brit pic at me for old times sake.

Oh yes, I remember it well. My goodness, it’s pretty crazy when you consider how far she’s fallen off.

– Lake

——–UPDATE———

Damn.  That is messed up. I was going to put ol’ Jamie-Lynn on the watch list for the second coming of Britney.  She had a shot once she filled out and got the Spears family boob job.  At least Britney got a few glory years in.  Now Brit Jr. is going to go straight from this:

To this:

By the way, the interns found this pic I had never seen before.

She just propped right up in those boots, huh?  Damn…the thrill is gone.  The best part of the internet may just be the instantly accessible preservation of these memories.

-Brock

Appreciation for Christina Milian Day

Oh yes, we just had to do it again. Christina Milian is the kind of babe you just never get tired of.

For some reason, it’s like she’s always looked exactly as you’d want her to look. Always that perfect age (half your age plus 7, thanks to the Hon. Elijah Muhammad for that one). Always that perfect look… Shape right. I mean, I guess she’s like the personification of that terrible “Cater to You” song by Destiny’s Child, but with Milian, you actually believe it. The smile, the body, the look in the eye.. It’s just everything you want and more. And her look is so diverse. I mean, one day she’s cute and sweet.

The next day she’s hot and sexy.

One day she’s the uber black chick.

The next day it’s a “It’s black, it’s white, who cares because it’s RIGHT” special.

One day you’re getting soft, smooth and supple.

The next day it’s taut, cut and steamy.

(watch that eye now girl)

The one unifying characteristic: They’re all fine and you just have to go back to it every now and again to recharge your batteries. I mean, it’s that right, that good. She’s got a different quality than a Kim Kardashian or even a Vida Guerra. With those chicks, you just know it’s all about sex.. They can’t show the range of a Milian.

(Are you kidding me? This chick gonna put KFC out of business with them thighs)

Seriously, a babe that’s this fine just aint right and somehow that cat Nick Cannon managed to lose her?

(Really sittin on them thangs)

Insane.

– Lake

There’s something about the Juice

You just gotta admit it. There’s something about this dude that you love or even love to hate, but he’s just got that thing.. That it. I can’t quite put my finger on it. Is it the resilience?

If it doesn’t fit, you must acquit…bitch

Maybe it’s the ladies he keeps, for instance, peep his current girlfriend and Nicole Simpson look-a-like Christine Prody:

(do those crazy veins popping out mean her rack is real or do they put the fake joints underneath the real thing…life’s mysteries)

Yooo, this must be the wildest white woman in America. Virtually everyone hates the Juice for beating a murder rap on a chick that looks exactly like YOU and you’re just rolling with the cat like he aint public enemy number 1. I mean, really loving life, enjoying his company, riding that white horse and keeping your head held high. haaaa And believe you me, she and OJ are having the time of their lives together:

I love how this babe keeps the chest aerated… Haaa boy oh boy, look at the Juice enjoying a fine Cuban no doubt and peep that wild necklace the cat has on. What’s he like 55? Classic. Oh and I like to see OJ’s lady standing by him in court.

Ride or die baby, ride or die!

As for the substance of the charges against the Juice; look, I heard the tape of the alleged crime and I didn’t hear anybody catching an ass whooping. In fact, roll the uncensored tape.

(did you think you could steal my shit? LOL)

Sheeyut, I’d be mad if a cat stole my shit too.. haa Hey, it just sounds like a bunch of arguing. I heard perhaps some momentary false imprisonment, but certainly no evidence of armed robbery, kidnapping and all this other nonsense. Hey justice system: YOU ALREADY LOST THE SIMPSON/GOLDMAN TRIAL. Stop acting like this cat did something that’s worth anything more than a trip to anger management classes. The only reason why anyone cares about this nonsense in Vegas is because you think the Juice skated on the murder rap.

Nobody is even talking about whether the dude the Juice rolled up on actually stole his shit. Come on clowns…you’ve got nothing on the Juice. Leave him be, he’s got a tee time back in Florida…haters. It don’t matter if it’s 95 or 2007:

Jigga OJ not guil-tee

– Lake

Throwback: Britney at her best

Sometimes we can forget just how tight Britney once was.

And sure, you can say she was all airbrushed up, but even her more candid shots used to really look right…

Again, I’m a fan of Ms. Spears and I want to see her do well.

If nothing else, Mel B has shown us that you can take it back to the pre baby form with a little work.

(Wow, the beginning of an era my friends….)

Brit just needs to lay off the drinks, pick up the white horse and hit that gym/dance studio like she once did.

Anyway, I suspect her body will make it back. I’m thinking positive…after all, that’s what I’m all about.

But contrast those lovey pictures above against this shot of Brit in her draws outside her house yesterday.

Awwww haaail naw.. that just aint right. Someone should whoop K-Fed’s ass for how he ruined this national treasure.

– Lake

Vanessa Hudgens: White or Black?…Or both?

Now I didn’t even know who this chick was before Lake’s post on her a few days back, but even when he posted it, she looked like about three different chicks in those pictures. So I have to ask…Is Vanessa Hudgens White or Black? Let’s take a look:

Black.

White.

White

Light-skinned black chick.

I’m going to go with Exotic Tanned up White here.

Semi-negative arse white babe.

No evidence here, I just like the uhhhhh, photo composition.

Well the evidence is overwhelmingly obvious, it’s been decided…

she’s Filipino!

-Brock